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Alcoholics. I met one 20 years ago. Struggling, lost everything, bankrupt....he recovered and we made a life. He came back from bankruptcy, we built a beautiful home and life together. New cars, tryck, peace, happiness....I thought But, his family of origin just wasn’t having it. They never let him alone really to live his life with me. I was treated like the kind social worker who rehilbilitated the drunk. I stood by him thru 5150, relapses, nursed him back to life, treated him like a king... For the past 2 weeks it has been a living hell. Police, hospitals, paramedics, more police, passing out....of course his family is all up in it. Tonite he’s coming out of it, I told him I’m filing for divorce. He says to me, I bought that truck knowing I was going. I’m happier with them, and my grandkids. He wanted to leave all along! He did this drunk episode to put the final nail in it seems. He pretended for 20 years? Now he’s going to lose it all again! Everything he worked for, his job, his home, his wife...I’m stunned that 20 years means nothing....crazy. I’m so so hurt.
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Dazed......sounds, to me, like h e is trying to save face.....
Don't be surprised if he and his family try to place all of the blame on you...projection is a favorite maneuver to put the blame elsewhere to keep the focus off of themselves.....
Was he working a diligent program, or was he just "dry"?
Don't be surprised if he and his family try to place all of the blame on you...projection is a favorite maneuver to put the blame elsewhere to keep the focus off of themselves.....
Was he working a diligent program, or was he just "dry"?
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Dazed......sounds, to me, like h e is trying to save face.....
Don't be surprised if he and his family try to place all of the blame on you...projection is a favorite maneuver to put the blame elsewhere to keep the focus off of themselves.....
Was he working a diligent program, or was he just "dry"?
Don't be surprised if he and his family try to place all of the blame on you...projection is a favorite maneuver to put the blame elsewhere to keep the focus off of themselves.....
Was he working a diligent program, or was he just "dry"?
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Dazed...it seems like you have been through this cycle of events (except for filing for divorce part) more than once.....? What usually happens when "reality sets in"? How long was he sober when you all built the beautiful house and life, together...or was he able to "control" his drinking, during that time.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Dazed...it seems like you have been through this cycle of events (except for filing for divorce part) more than once.....? What usually happens when "reality sets in"? How long was he sober when you all built the beautiful house and life, together...or was he able to "control" his drinking, during that time.....
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Haters are going to hate. Better late than never . sounds toxic. I got out of a 23 year marriage due to being toxic. Cut my losses and ran. Sure I had things to fix in me so I'm not blaming all on other half. But the hating thing. She hated my mom.sis.son. and I cater to her hand and foot. For what? So that being said what is the price for peace of mind?
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[QUOTE=dandylion;7220445]Dazed...it seems like you have been through this cycle of events (except for filing for divorce part) more than once.....? What usually happens when "reality sets in"? How long was he sober when you all built the beautiful house and life, together...or was he able to "control" his drinking, during that time.....[/
reality is the grass is not greener on the other side. He thinks being with his family will make him happy again. 20 years ago he thought leaving his family and being with me was the answer. We had a wonderful 20 years of travel, love, happiness and home. Alcohol stole it all away. 😢
reality is the grass is not greener on the other side. He thinks being with his family will make him happy again. 20 years ago he thought leaving his family and being with me was the answer. We had a wonderful 20 years of travel, love, happiness and home. Alcohol stole it all away. 😢
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Originally Posted by SoberRican
Haters are going to hate. Better late than never . sounds toxic. I got out of a 23 year marriage due to being toxic. Cut my losses and ran. Sure I had things to fix in me so I'm not blaming all on other half. But the hating thing. She hated my mom.sis.son. and I cater to her hand and foot. For what? So that being said what is the price for peace of mind?
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Of course it hurts, he is going to say anything he can to keep you from leaving and if you are going to do it, to hurt you in the process. He is being enabled, and in no way does he want that to stop. Prepare for his family to turn on you as they sound like they are his top enablers.
Steel yourself against the things he says and really only keep contact about the things that are necessary.
Big hugs, I am sorry you are hurting.
Steel yourself against the things he says and really only keep contact about the things that are necessary.
Big hugs, I am sorry you are hurting.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Of course it hurts, he is going to say anything he can to keep you from leaving and if you are going to do it, to hurt you in the process. He is being enabled, and in no way does he want that to stop. Prepare for his family to turn on you as they sound like they are his top enablers.
Steel yourself against the things he says and really only keep contact about the things that are necessary.
Big hugs, I am sorry you are hurting.
Steel yourself against the things he says and really only keep contact about the things that are necessary.
Big hugs, I am sorry you are hurting.
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Dazed, So sorry this is happening to you.
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to lend my support. I know how it feels to have to extract yourself from a long term marriage to an alcoholic. It was the hardest most painful thing I ever had to do. I had to do it though, or I was going to end up going down with the ship. I also got labeled the "bad guy" not only by him, but many others, because it was me that decided to leave the chaos. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to lend my support. I know how it feels to have to extract yourself from a long term marriage to an alcoholic. It was the hardest most painful thing I ever had to do. I had to do it though, or I was going to end up going down with the ship. I also got labeled the "bad guy" not only by him, but many others, because it was me that decided to leave the chaos. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Dazed, So sorry this is happening to you.
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to lend my support. I know how it feels to have to extract yourself from a long term marriage to an alcoholic. It was the hardest most painful thing I ever had to do. I had to do it though, or I was going to end up going down with the ship. I also got labeled the "bad guy" not only by him, but many others, because it was me that decided to leave the chaos. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to lend my support. I know how it feels to have to extract yourself from a long term marriage to an alcoholic. It was the hardest most painful thing I ever had to do. I had to do it though, or I was going to end up going down with the ship. I also got labeled the "bad guy" not only by him, but many others, because it was me that decided to leave the chaos. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
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Key words, you did all you could. Those words are profound and some people stay in relationships that are absolute hell because they never realize, there is just nothing else they can do.
I am glad you are aware of this and hope it gives you peace in moving forward.
I am glad you are aware of this and hope it gives you peace in moving forward.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Key words, you did all you could. Those words are profound and some people stay in relationships that are absolute hell because they never realize, there is just nothing else they can do.
I am glad you are aware of this and hope it gives you peace in moving forward.
I am glad you are aware of this and hope it gives you peace in moving forward.
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it sounds like he never really had it "together" but was able to appear so with tons of "help" from you. and over the past few years the effort to keep trying to keep up the facade just became too much for him. even the nice toys and fun trips were no longer "enough" to fill the endless void of MORE.
some people can play at being responsible, but never really BECOME responsible. they never own it, wear it, live it. and will cheerfully blow off being a grown up whenever it suits them. or if something else shinier flickers in their peripheral vision. or they simply WANT - in their head is the constant drum beat of Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.
some people can play at being responsible, but never really BECOME responsible. they never own it, wear it, live it. and will cheerfully blow off being a grown up whenever it suits them. or if something else shinier flickers in their peripheral vision. or they simply WANT - in their head is the constant drum beat of Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.
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Dazed.....I am confused as to the logic, here.....If his truck was so important to him that he bought it in preparation of leaving....why would he leave it and his other posessions 2000 miles away? Who will drive it to him?
It sounded like his family was involved in the marital/drinking situation...and, it turns out that they live 2000 miles away?!
If he does end up go into to family.....the family will get a much more realistic picture of what is going on with him...…..
It sounded like his family was involved in the marital/drinking situation...and, it turns out that they live 2000 miles away?!
If he does end up go into to family.....the family will get a much more realistic picture of what is going on with him...…..
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Dazed.....I am confused as to the logic, here.....If his truck was so important to him that he bought it in preparation of leaving....why would he leave it and his other posessions 2000 miles away? Who will drive it to him?
It sounded like his family was involved in the marital/drinking situation...and, it turns out that they live 2000 miles away?!
If he does end up go into to family.....the family will get a much more realistic picture of what is going on with him...…..
It sounded like his family was involved in the marital/drinking situation...and, it turns out that they live 2000 miles away?!
If he does end up go into to family.....the family will get a much more realistic picture of what is going on with him...…..
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How can he just drink his life down the tubes after re-building it? All that work and effort! He’s right back to where I found him. Jobless, homeless, and drinking. If he wanted out of our marriage so badly, he didn’t have to do all this. He could have just told me. I am so dazed and confused. After all this, comes time to enjoy the fruits of our labor and he burns it all down. 😢
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How?
Alcoholism. It's what this disease does as it progresses. It takes over. It's not a moral failing or a matter of will power. Some people make it back to true recovery. Some don't. The same can be said about all of us who are affected by being around alcoholics. I didn't have a clue the many ways it affected me internally until I truly started working on myself.
At one of the recovery centers my husband went to, I learned that friends and family members often have more severe physical problems resulting from dealing with alcoholism in their lives than the alcoholic does. The stress can greatly effect our organs and overall health.
Alcoholism. It's what this disease does as it progresses. It takes over. It's not a moral failing or a matter of will power. Some people make it back to true recovery. Some don't. The same can be said about all of us who are affected by being around alcoholics. I didn't have a clue the many ways it affected me internally until I truly started working on myself.
At one of the recovery centers my husband went to, I learned that friends and family members often have more severe physical problems resulting from dealing with alcoholism in their lives than the alcoholic does. The stress can greatly effect our organs and overall health.
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