Fiancée of Alcoholic — Legal Trouble — Guilt
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Fiancée of Alcoholic — Legal Trouble — Guilt
I’m “engaged” to an alcoholic.
His ex-wife passed away in April of this year. I moved to be with their kids, very far from everything and everyone I know.
He was sober from May through just last Thursday. I came home from work and he was drinking bourbon. His drink of choice was vodka in the entire time I met him. I thought it was a little strange he was drinking different alcohol.
He crashed a four wheeler last Thursday at his friend’s house. He was laughing, then mad, then happy. Said he was going to stop drinking the next day. Never happened. He would get angry when he couldn’t find his beer (that he was nursing his hangover with). That led to him getting more beer and alcohol. Friday passed. Mostly slept. Ate. Saturday came. Drank more. Got angry when he couldn’t find his beer. His would swipe a table with coffee mugs on it and broke the majority of coffee mugs in the house.
I called my fiancé’s best friend who lives 30 minutes away. He told me he couldn’t come to the house because he was working but to leave my fiancé at the house and call 911 if we felt threatened.
I took all of the keys to yes to the vehicles in the driveway. Took the kids with me. Went to another friend of my fiancé’s and asked him to come to the house. His friend has been sober for 15 years. He said he would come to the house and I told him we would meet him there.
I sat on the street before the house to wait for him to arrive. All of the sudden, here comes my fiancé. Driving one of the trucks. I had forgotten to take the keys to that truck because it was parked in the back of the house. He approached my vehicle with the kids in the back and cornered us so I couldn’t pull forward. The kids were screaming and crying in the back. and begging for him to move. He finally backed out and was laughing. I pulled around to his driver’s side and asked, “what are you doing?” He replied, “going to the store to get soda.” I told him he couldn’t drink and drive and he said he was going to do whatever he wanted to do then started driving off.
I called 911 to report him as a drunk driver. The operator insisted I stay on the line so I did. I told her I had to leave the street in case he came back because the kids were scared. She reminded me to stay on the line. I told her I couldn’t talk and drive, especially with the kids in the back, but she still insisted I do so. So I did.
I began to pull off the street to the main road. He was coming back. I turned, hoping he wouldn’t see me. His youngest yelled, “go! Go! Go!!!” And I saw the truck approaching faster and faster. I had to speed up because I wasn’t sure if he had the ability to stop without hitting my vehicle. I couldn’t continue to drive at such speeds so I made a left turn into someone’s partial driveway, and drove up another driveway. I veered to the left and hid by some trees.
His youngest son said, “he turned around and was laughing!” Apparently, he was going back to the house. But I wasn’t sure. All I knew is he was drunk and I didn’t want his driving to affect the kids, or me!
I looked down at my passenger floorboard where I had dropped my phone. I picked it up and it was still connected to the 911 operator.
He ended up being arrested for his first DUI and because of the chase, DV Assault in the 3rd degree (3 counts), and a DV Assault in the 4th degree for blocking us in on the street before the chase.
He is to have no contact with me lr the two boys. But he can have contact with his 17 year old who wasn’t home at the time. His 18 year old son is a commercial Fisher in the summer and he despises his dad’s drinking and the two sent some very angry, hurtful texts when he started drinking again.
My problem is this: I feel terribly guilty. I know I did the right thing to protect the kids and myself as well as HIM, but I can’t shake the guilt. Various people have also told me it isn’t my fault but STILL. I know he must own up to his drinking and his poor choices.
His best friend bailed him out of jail earlier this week. My fiancé is apparently going to AA meetings and staying with his recovering alcoholic friend who I begged to come to the house before the 911 incident. He stopped by the day before yesterday and reminded me it wasn’t my fault.
If I had to call the police all over again, I would. He started drinking a different alcohol (maybe it does or has nothing to do with the anger he was displaying). He was getting angry. Crashed a four wheeler. Was breaking things. He was never an angry drunk and it was NEW and scary and unpredictable. When anger and drinking were present, it became intolerable.
I’m hoping my fiancé understands and doesn’t place the blame on me. If he does, there is nothing I can do, except to move on with my life.
Are alcoholics remorseful? He did say sorry and gave me hugs and told me I’m a good woman Friday morning before he started drinking again.
I guess i just want to prepare for my exit if that’s what it comes down to. I have no problem staying if he can focus on his recovery. Ultimately it’s up to him and his recovery is more important than our relationship.
With the kids’ mom having just passed away, and then dealing with their dad being away and the youngest telling me he doesn’t want me to leave because I’m like a mom to him — I’m dealing with guilt, grief, anger, confusion, worrying.
So many emotions. I moved away from all of my friends. I really have no one supporting ME emotionally. So, I thought I’d come here and hopefully engage with people who know where I’m coming from.
Xo
~ Cat
His ex-wife passed away in April of this year. I moved to be with their kids, very far from everything and everyone I know.
He was sober from May through just last Thursday. I came home from work and he was drinking bourbon. His drink of choice was vodka in the entire time I met him. I thought it was a little strange he was drinking different alcohol.
He crashed a four wheeler last Thursday at his friend’s house. He was laughing, then mad, then happy. Said he was going to stop drinking the next day. Never happened. He would get angry when he couldn’t find his beer (that he was nursing his hangover with). That led to him getting more beer and alcohol. Friday passed. Mostly slept. Ate. Saturday came. Drank more. Got angry when he couldn’t find his beer. His would swipe a table with coffee mugs on it and broke the majority of coffee mugs in the house.
I called my fiancé’s best friend who lives 30 minutes away. He told me he couldn’t come to the house because he was working but to leave my fiancé at the house and call 911 if we felt threatened.
I took all of the keys to yes to the vehicles in the driveway. Took the kids with me. Went to another friend of my fiancé’s and asked him to come to the house. His friend has been sober for 15 years. He said he would come to the house and I told him we would meet him there.
I sat on the street before the house to wait for him to arrive. All of the sudden, here comes my fiancé. Driving one of the trucks. I had forgotten to take the keys to that truck because it was parked in the back of the house. He approached my vehicle with the kids in the back and cornered us so I couldn’t pull forward. The kids were screaming and crying in the back. and begging for him to move. He finally backed out and was laughing. I pulled around to his driver’s side and asked, “what are you doing?” He replied, “going to the store to get soda.” I told him he couldn’t drink and drive and he said he was going to do whatever he wanted to do then started driving off.
I called 911 to report him as a drunk driver. The operator insisted I stay on the line so I did. I told her I had to leave the street in case he came back because the kids were scared. She reminded me to stay on the line. I told her I couldn’t talk and drive, especially with the kids in the back, but she still insisted I do so. So I did.
I began to pull off the street to the main road. He was coming back. I turned, hoping he wouldn’t see me. His youngest yelled, “go! Go! Go!!!” And I saw the truck approaching faster and faster. I had to speed up because I wasn’t sure if he had the ability to stop without hitting my vehicle. I couldn’t continue to drive at such speeds so I made a left turn into someone’s partial driveway, and drove up another driveway. I veered to the left and hid by some trees.
His youngest son said, “he turned around and was laughing!” Apparently, he was going back to the house. But I wasn’t sure. All I knew is he was drunk and I didn’t want his driving to affect the kids, or me!
I looked down at my passenger floorboard where I had dropped my phone. I picked it up and it was still connected to the 911 operator.
He ended up being arrested for his first DUI and because of the chase, DV Assault in the 3rd degree (3 counts), and a DV Assault in the 4th degree for blocking us in on the street before the chase.
He is to have no contact with me lr the two boys. But he can have contact with his 17 year old who wasn’t home at the time. His 18 year old son is a commercial Fisher in the summer and he despises his dad’s drinking and the two sent some very angry, hurtful texts when he started drinking again.
My problem is this: I feel terribly guilty. I know I did the right thing to protect the kids and myself as well as HIM, but I can’t shake the guilt. Various people have also told me it isn’t my fault but STILL. I know he must own up to his drinking and his poor choices.
His best friend bailed him out of jail earlier this week. My fiancé is apparently going to AA meetings and staying with his recovering alcoholic friend who I begged to come to the house before the 911 incident. He stopped by the day before yesterday and reminded me it wasn’t my fault.
If I had to call the police all over again, I would. He started drinking a different alcohol (maybe it does or has nothing to do with the anger he was displaying). He was getting angry. Crashed a four wheeler. Was breaking things. He was never an angry drunk and it was NEW and scary and unpredictable. When anger and drinking were present, it became intolerable.
I’m hoping my fiancé understands and doesn’t place the blame on me. If he does, there is nothing I can do, except to move on with my life.
Are alcoholics remorseful? He did say sorry and gave me hugs and told me I’m a good woman Friday morning before he started drinking again.
I guess i just want to prepare for my exit if that’s what it comes down to. I have no problem staying if he can focus on his recovery. Ultimately it’s up to him and his recovery is more important than our relationship.
With the kids’ mom having just passed away, and then dealing with their dad being away and the youngest telling me he doesn’t want me to leave because I’m like a mom to him — I’m dealing with guilt, grief, anger, confusion, worrying.
So many emotions. I moved away from all of my friends. I really have no one supporting ME emotionally. So, I thought I’d come here and hopefully engage with people who know where I’m coming from.
Xo
~ Cat
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
I’m sorry all that happened to you and the kids. It’s real scary when an alcoholic behaves that way. You’re in the right forum for support. It’s hard to shake the guilt, I know, but your first priority needs to be safety for you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You did the right thing. Drunk and scary doesn't just go away all by itself, and it's dangerous to you and to the children. I hope your fiance will stick to recovery and make a go of it, but whether he does or not, you should not have to live with this kind of behavior. His behavior was violent and dangerous (the coffee mugs incident as well as the road-rage incident, and it sounds like he's getting worse if this is qualitatively different from what you've seen from him in the past. You have a right to have a life that is free of the threat of violence.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
In my opinion, this was the most important aspect of what you shared:
”So many emotions. I moved away from all of my friends. I really have no one supporting ME emotionally.”
This is exactly why living with an alcoholic becomes so deeply toxic, isolating and dangerous for your own well-being.
There are a long list of “red flags” in what you shared with us. And I know, from my own experience as well... the power of guilt and shame... even if, you made the right call.
Yet another reason why dealing with an alcoholic’s insane choices makes every situation even further warped. It’s such a toxic cycle.
Every decision then becomes extremely overwhelming... and you start to second guess everything.
There’s no easy answer — but you do have one major saving grace: you aren’t married to him... YET! Cat, you have options to remove yourself from this toxic environment. Others here, I know will provide suggestions and support.
I wish for you clarity, inner peace & the very best outcome. I’m sorry all this happened. Not easy. Thankfully you’ll find so much support here on this forum.
”So many emotions. I moved away from all of my friends. I really have no one supporting ME emotionally.”
This is exactly why living with an alcoholic becomes so deeply toxic, isolating and dangerous for your own well-being.
There are a long list of “red flags” in what you shared with us. And I know, from my own experience as well... the power of guilt and shame... even if, you made the right call.
Yet another reason why dealing with an alcoholic’s insane choices makes every situation even further warped. It’s such a toxic cycle.
Every decision then becomes extremely overwhelming... and you start to second guess everything.
There’s no easy answer — but you do have one major saving grace: you aren’t married to him... YET! Cat, you have options to remove yourself from this toxic environment. Others here, I know will provide suggestions and support.
I wish for you clarity, inner peace & the very best outcome. I’m sorry all this happened. Not easy. Thankfully you’ll find so much support here on this forum.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Dont feel guilty!!! He was being a bone head. Things could have been worse feel me? I cant tell you what to do. But drop him like a hot potato. You deserve to be happy . real talk. Do you. Do your kids. You need peace of mind . period
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I’m hoping my fiancé understands and doesn’t place the blame on me. If he does, there is nothing I can do, except to move on with my life.
Two things jumped out at me here:
He can place blame wherever he wants - you know the score and you can absolutely accept RESPONSIBILITY for doing the right thing by protecting yourself, the minor childre, and the rest of society. So yes, you are responsible - feeling guilty is a choice you're making. There's a difference between being to blame for something (which implies negativity) and being responsible for something. You're responsible in every sense of the word! Don't ever feel any shame for that.
And then this part: If he does, there is nothing I can do, except to move on with my life.
And if he doesn't? The rest of your sentence stills stands: "there's nothing I can do except move on with my life." Tape that sentence to your mirror and live by it - it is the answer to everything no matter what the alcoholic chooses to do.
Peace,
B.
Two things jumped out at me here:
He can place blame wherever he wants - you know the score and you can absolutely accept RESPONSIBILITY for doing the right thing by protecting yourself, the minor childre, and the rest of society. So yes, you are responsible - feeling guilty is a choice you're making. There's a difference between being to blame for something (which implies negativity) and being responsible for something. You're responsible in every sense of the word! Don't ever feel any shame for that.
And then this part: If he does, there is nothing I can do, except to move on with my life.
And if he doesn't? The rest of your sentence stills stands: "there's nothing I can do except move on with my life." Tape that sentence to your mirror and live by it - it is the answer to everything no matter what the alcoholic chooses to do.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Congratulations on having the courage to do what was necessary to save yourself and kids.
No doubt you MUST leave him....he's a an alcoholic and a mean one at that. For ALL of his kids to be terrified and/or despise him tells me this ugly, violent behavior isn't a new thing. He was LAUGHING while running you and his kids off the road?
I agree with Dandylion, about finding a safe place for the children, whether it be with normal relatives or maybe you can receive some sort of temporary custody of them.
He's a menace to society and my heart breaks for those kids and you.
PLEASE do not feel one second of guilt or remorse for acting so bravely to truly save the lives of the kids and yourself.
Don't believe a single word out of his mouth about him being sorry or feeling guilty, etc. etc.
No doubt you MUST leave him....he's a an alcoholic and a mean one at that. For ALL of his kids to be terrified and/or despise him tells me this ugly, violent behavior isn't a new thing. He was LAUGHING while running you and his kids off the road?
I agree with Dandylion, about finding a safe place for the children, whether it be with normal relatives or maybe you can receive some sort of temporary custody of them.
He's a menace to society and my heart breaks for those kids and you.
PLEASE do not feel one second of guilt or remorse for acting so bravely to truly save the lives of the kids and yourself.
Don't believe a single word out of his mouth about him being sorry or feeling guilty, etc. etc.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
You are only preparing for your exit if he doesn’t blame you? He was charged with domestic violence, it will NOT just go away on its own, it WILL escalate. Please seek out help with this and I do hope you have left the situation.
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