Aellyce

I have also posted the content in an extended thread of mine under "Alcoholism" but just thought it might be useful as a new thread here.

Hi friends

I have not posted in a good while. It's been a very stressful period for me as well. My husband (from whom I was already planning to separate) died a couple months ago. Suicide with an opioid overdose. I did not even have the slightest idea that he had an issue with drugs himself, in spite of knowing his first wife was an opioid addict and also died of an overdose many years ago. From all the info we have gathered, my ex-husband was never an addict, but he must have been extremely depressed and used "our" method to finally check out. There was heavy legal/police involvement in his death and it is still ongoing somewhat - I really don't want to get involved in it but have no choice. My husband was also a respected psychiatrist and clinical psychologist, a very self-aware person, so must have been thinking a lot about the consequences of his suicide... I know he has because we discussed suicidal ideation a lot. I knew he was prone to it. Just would have never expected it to happen when it finally happened. He was also not an impulsive person at all, nothing like someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (or any other personality disorders). No detectable symptoms of severe depression either. I think his overdose was definitely on an impulse, but not one I, or his family, could have anticipated. I kinda relate to that but that is a different discussion...

Anyhow, this seems to be the "natural resolution" to my previous marriage problem...

I am also just having an incredibly stressful period in my professional life. Will likely be able to get a break from it in August, so I very much look forward to August.

I have had plenty of thoughts and desires to drink again throughout these things. Some days with kinda constant urges. I think this is expected with stress, stress the one of the primary factors to precipitate addiction. I even had many strong urges to act out some old questionable relationship patterns... But have not acted on any of these. It wasn't easy to resist the old relationship pulls. Still sober for several years. It is definitely easier to deal with life's adversities sober.

There are all those moments of desire to escape, but the feeling of NOT escaping, seen in the next day, is priceless. It is some of the most intensely rewarding experiences I have ever had. How it feels to have remained sober and dealt with things differently.

MyLittleHorsie

Sober muscles, I think they are called, I remember hearing about them when I first started.
I am sorry about your husband and the stress. I too am going through some professional stress, but your message is point on. In the old days I would have drank my face off at night worrying, creating more anxiety, screwing up my stomach, smoking like a chimney. Now, it is what it is, I will get through, I always do.
Thanks for posting this

entropy1964

I'm sorry for your loss. He must have been an expert at truly hiding what was going on. Wearing masks....soooo intensely difficult.

I had a very hard time processing the loss of my husband to cancer. Still do. I loved him deeply so his death was no resolution of anything for me. We were newly weds when he was diagnosed.

I'm sharing this because I feel a certain 'emotional' detachment in your post. I guess I'm just saying to be vigilant of how you feel over this. Even if you wanted him out of your life, you were still very intimate at one point. There has to be some kind of emotional event or interruption at some point.

Hang in there and take care of you.

JoePenner

It's a tremendous accomplishment to endure what might be the most difficult time of your life with sobriety. Be good to yourself.

Aellyce

Thanks so much for sharing and pointing that out. Yes, the emotional detachment is something I am very prone to and was also the primary reason I made this post on a less conscious level, hoping that someone would call me out on my BS, as many times before on this forum that I found helpful - I know it is not necessarily a good thing to call myself so resilient.

This statement sounds like you know me and my interest in psychology and behavior quite a bit... well, I wrote about it a lot before here on this forum. Yes, he must have applied all that he himself knew about it, to mask it from me like that. I always knew we were alike quite a bit, it was part of the appeal when we met... and so the emotional detachment or concealing also became part of it. But was this "successful", that he managed to conceal it so completely, until the end?

As I said, now there is nothing else remaining but me thinking about it... I can only relate. Two seemingly extremely introspective people, self-analytical to a point of all of that analysis preventing a true revelation and connection. Surely both with avoidant tendencies. At this time, I have no chance to mend the relationship but can maybe use the experience as some sort of emotional exploration/lesson... Perhaps I would never relapse with my addiction due to stress like this, but is it good to be such an "expert" at applying dissociation? May not be an appropriate post in Newcomers though.

Dee74

I think it's often a defence mechanism.
Understandable at a time like this for you, Aellyce?

Good or bad? maybe more will be revealed with hindsight, or maybe neither is strictly applicable.

D