QuietlyTired

How to deal with parents? My husband tells his mother absolutely everything including my medical issues. Those with long term alcoholics, how do you deal with these third parties knowing so much of your lives!?

FeelingGreat

From your other post I take it that your relationship with your MIL isn't too bad on it's own? Or am I wrong? You might mention that he's breaking confidences - not sure how much good that would do, but at least she'd know.

The other thought was not to tell him anything you wouldn't want her to know. If you do tell him something, assume she will hear.

A lot depends on your own relationship with her.

LovePeaceSushi

There is the issue of your husband breaking your confidence, and there is the issue of your relationship with your inlaws. 2 very separate issues. I am NC with my inlaws, and I suppose I really don't care what my husband tells them.

AnvilheadII

the parents aren't the issue here - your AH's dysfunctional bond with his mommy IS. you can't get between them anymore than you can get between him and his booze.

i can think of a pretty simple solution, but i'm not sure it's what YOU are willing to consider? accept it all for what it is, quit trying to change it, and move on.

QuietlyTired

The relationship with the mil is not bad, she is a nice person, and when I put my own **** aside and think for a moment I do think she genuinely cares. I get resentful because ah tells her everything before or if he even tells me.
I am fine with her knowing the basics of issues, she is family and technically some would argue has a right to know if something major were happening I however think it’s none of her business if I go to the doctors, but ah tells her and then an hour after having a Pap smear she phones and says ohhhh dear how was the bloody doctors.
I think you’re right about not telling him things I don’t want others to know but it makes me just... sad? To know I can’t tell things to my husband. My parents have a very close impenetrable bond and I always assumed my own spouse someday would be like that with me, but here we have his mom being the third wheel in our marriage.

QuietlyTired

Yes! Just yesterday we had a fight and he changed subject and brought up his mother and how all of his male cousins have girls who think the relationship between the males and their mothers is strange, as do I. I need to remember I can’t tell him anything I don’t want his mom to hear about. Their family is very close and tells each other everything. I’ve come to terms with the fact that his mom will always be the number one lady in his life, sometimes I just need a reminder to let that **** go. It is what it is, no matter how sucky.

LovePeaceSushi

QuietlyTired, YES, just let that **** go. My AH has a relationship like that with his father. It's irksome. The more I harped on it and made an issue of it, the more unhappy I was....(and I never "won" or saw a difference in behavior). If anything, it made things worse and created this "us vs. her" mentality.

hopeful4

My XAH was like this with both his mom and sister when his mom was alive. Now that his mom has passed, it's his sister. I just accepted it really when we were married. This is ingrained from a very young age and it's not going to change.

SmallButMighty

My alcoholic father had a weird relationship like that with his alcoholic mother. It drove my mum nuts her whole marriage until my grandma died. They really were like best friends, it was weird. My mum never felt first in his life because of it. My mother still harbors resentment about their "closeness" and they are both dead and gone.

I don't think relationships like that are merely "close" I think they are enmeshed, and it's not at all healthy.

My ex in laws are extremely enmeshed with their adult children and that entire family is so sick and dysfunctional. My kids (and my AXH) are no contact with that side of their family. My daughter refers to the relationships amongst that side of her family as cases of "emotional incest"... I am glad she has chosen to stay far away from that.

I used to frequent another board similar to this one that was for people that had problems with their in laws. It was helpful, very much like this one is!

itsmepoppy

That’s exactly what it did in my situation. My (recently relapsed) AH has a totally whacked out relationship with his mother where he tells her stuff she has no business knowing. The more upset I got when I found out about it, the deeper it drew these lines of division where it was very ‘us against her’ - which I think his mother loves since she usually likes to shut me out anyway.

QuietlyTired

Thanks for sharing, would love to know what board that is if you don’t mind sharing!

QuietlyTired

My mil is nice, I think she does really care but at the same time ... I think she’s happy to know we don’t always get along, especially since their family always blindly agrees with the blood relative. which I don’t get because my mom says she doesn’t care what her kids do as long as they’re happy, obviously caveats to that like don’t become a heroin addict, but still. My parents also don’t blindly believe their children,
Over anyone else, if you’re being an ass they’ll tell you. One time mil was visiting and ah said I was walking too quickly for his mom and we ended up arguing and mil got to be the one to push us, literally push us together, and be like there there make up you love each other.
I know he complains about me to her and tells her things that are none of her business but I don’t do that with my parents. It’s just frustrating.

SmallButMighty

I don't know if we are allowed to link to other sites... but if you google " I hate my in laws" it will pop right up...

The link to their forums/boards is on the top right side of the front page.

It's also worth googling "emotional incest". I was uncomfortable with the term, but when I read up on the topic, it explained so much about some of the dysfunctional things I've witnessed from some of the people who have been in my life.

LovePeaceSushi

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

I was going to recommend that site, but then edited it out of an earlier post! I may or may not have vented over there............