Dating ...
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Dating ...
So I have been dating... a little
met a guy who I am really liking and checked him out online but Was looking at the wrong person... the guy I am really liking yep of course alcoholic past, domestic violence and the whole nine yards. Maybe not so much ready for this ...
someone tell me this gets easier?
I am a little lonely but doing the best I can
i felt like I was ready because ex AH and I have been sleeping separately for two years and I finally got out of his house and I thought I was ready to date, but I just don’t think I am. I am a little terrified at getting back out there so I think I may step back and rethink the dating thing.
met a guy who I am really liking and checked him out online but Was looking at the wrong person... the guy I am really liking yep of course alcoholic past, domestic violence and the whole nine yards. Maybe not so much ready for this ...
someone tell me this gets easier?
I am a little lonely but doing the best I can
i felt like I was ready because ex AH and I have been sleeping separately for two years and I finally got out of his house and I thought I was ready to date, but I just don’t think I am. I am a little terrified at getting back out there so I think I may step back and rethink the dating thing.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Yes, perhaps a bit of time alone is not a bad thing.
I hope you don't mind me asking but what attributes or personality traits drew you to him do you think?
I hope you don't mind me asking but what attributes or personality traits drew you to him do you think?
Re read my journal and that’s when it hit me...red flags or maybe just things that weren’t jiving right with me — got a couple of weird “feelings” I can’t describe it - and rather than ignore, it made me look him up again and a little deeper digging got me the info that confirmed things for me
i certainly don’t want to get into a relationship at this point just spend time with new people but feel like I have to be super careful as I don’t want to fall back into my co dependent behavior and some of my thoughts/feelings were sending me back again
i don’t want to ever be that person again, and it scared the crap out of me
and if I have to be that careful and am that scared it’s telling me I am not ready
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I'm interested to know how you researched this online? I've tried to do that with people I've dated and I can't ever find any good info (like arrests/financial problems, etc.) I can only find social media type stuff.
It used to be I could search local arrest records online, but it seems even that has gone dark.
It used to be I could search local arrest records online, but it seems even that has gone dark.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I'm interested to know how you researched this online? I've tried to do that with people I've dated and I can't ever find any good info (like arrests/financial problems, etc.) I can only find social media type stuff.
It used to be I could search local arrest records online, but it seems even that has gone dark.
It used to be I could search local arrest records online, but it seems even that has gone dark.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by ScaryTime
I went to my state circuit court access and website. And a couple of things he said in conversation, like how long divorced, kids, where he grew up and such I dug into other state circuit court as well. It’s all public information and I have a little bit of a research bug in me already so it led me to the info I needed.
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Well, I'm sorry that didn't work out so well but looking at it another way, it kind of did.
You suspected red flags, looked at your journaling and did research. You listened to yourself. Is this something you would have done historically? Probably not! I think it's great how pro-active you are being about protecting yourself, that's a huge achievement.
You suspected red flags, looked at your journaling and did research. You listened to yourself. Is this something you would have done historically? Probably not! I think it's great how pro-active you are being about protecting yourself, that's a huge achievement.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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I am a little terrified at getting back out there so I think I may step back and rethink the dating thing.
this might be my opinion only, but when people start dating because they are lonely, it isnt the best of motives to start dating.
this might be my opinion only, but when people start dating because they are lonely, it isnt the best of motives to start dating.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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...feel like I have to be super careful as I don’t want to fall back into my co dependent behavior and some of my thoughts/feelings were sending me back again
i don’t want to ever be that person again, and it scared the crap out of me
and if I have to be that careful and am that scared it’s telling me I am not ready
Yup - we have to listen to our inner voice (which has often been tamped way way down for years) and exercise those new muscles/new ideas! It is painful to change. Just remember you deserve to be treated well, and you are right to pay attention to every little red flag.
Taking time while "alone" to really self reflect and make a list of what you do want in a relationship will help you avoid being pulled by old familiar patterns, or neediness, or attention, or sexual attraction.
From your post it sounds like you are on the right track -- BRAVO!!
Peace,
B.
i don’t want to ever be that person again, and it scared the crap out of me
and if I have to be that careful and am that scared it’s telling me I am not ready
Yup - we have to listen to our inner voice (which has often been tamped way way down for years) and exercise those new muscles/new ideas! It is painful to change. Just remember you deserve to be treated well, and you are right to pay attention to every little red flag. Taking time while "alone" to really self reflect and make a list of what you do want in a relationship will help you avoid being pulled by old familiar patterns, or neediness, or attention, or sexual attraction.
From your post it sounds like you are on the right track -- BRAVO!!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
I have dated since my divorce. It didn’t go well for me. The guy I found out after 4 month was sleeping with numerous other women. When I had asked him if he was seeing other people he of course said no. I ended things in March.
Im finally in a place where I am completely fine being alone. I still have many goals to accomplish. And of course focusing on my children is my main priority. So I do agree that maybe taking some time by yourself isn’t a bad thing. I feel like God will being the right person along in the right time.
Im finally in a place where I am completely fine being alone. I still have many goals to accomplish. And of course focusing on my children is my main priority. So I do agree that maybe taking some time by yourself isn’t a bad thing. I feel like God will being the right person along in the right time.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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I started dating a few months after my husband died, but the *marriage* had been over for years.
Pro tip: when I was lonely, my ads and responses showed it. When I was busy as heck and didn't know how I was going to schedule a meet and greet, I sounded much more appealing. Go figure.
I did have to do some additional processing. I had to reach a point where I was okay with the idea that I might not meet someone soon, or ever, and it was MY job to make my life fulfilling, not that of an as-yet-unmet stranger.
Pro tip: when I was lonely, my ads and responses showed it. When I was busy as heck and didn't know how I was going to schedule a meet and greet, I sounded much more appealing. Go figure.
I did have to do some additional processing. I had to reach a point where I was okay with the idea that I might not meet someone soon, or ever, and it was MY job to make my life fulfilling, not that of an as-yet-unmet stranger.
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Join Date: May 2016
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I think I am ready to give up on the idea of finding a new love. I have been on dozens of first dates in the last two years. Nothing panning out. Probably a big problem is my age- I am 65. But I am putting the focus on just developing a good life for myself, with the assumption that I will be alone the rest of my life. I have loving friends and family, so I am grateful for that. I have to make some good plans for going into my older years alone - just taking one day at a time now.
I am not meeting anyone at work or in my activities so I have tried online dating for 2 years now. Has anyone else found that a lot of men- I am beginning to think- like 95% - are just hoping to have a hookup- a sexual encounter within a few minutes of meeting? Hence my dozens of first dates- always at a coffee shop for an hour- but maybe I just don't get it yet. Are there any men out there who want more than sex with whomever?
I am not meeting anyone at work or in my activities so I have tried online dating for 2 years now. Has anyone else found that a lot of men- I am beginning to think- like 95% - are just hoping to have a hookup- a sexual encounter within a few minutes of meeting? Hence my dozens of first dates- always at a coffee shop for an hour- but maybe I just don't get it yet. Are there any men out there who want more than sex with whomever?
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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I’m not fully ready to date... yet... but I do have one profile on a popular dating/new friends site. Creating it was actually healing for me... and get this... I actually added a statement that says something similar to: “I love all — but won’t date active or recovering addicts/alcoholics/smokers. I have respect for your efforts but you’re not for me.”
May sounds a bit too forward but it’s been great! So many women have reached out to me just to say... they truly respected my honesty. And for me, personally... it’s a deal breaker. Not that there aren’t other crazies out there... but dating an alcoholic or recovering addict would just be a massive trigger for me.
Anyhow, it’s a learning process but yes... notice the red flags!!
May sounds a bit too forward but it’s been great! So many women have reached out to me just to say... they truly respected my honesty. And for me, personally... it’s a deal breaker. Not that there aren’t other crazies out there... but dating an alcoholic or recovering addict would just be a massive trigger for me.
Anyhow, it’s a learning process but yes... notice the red flags!!
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Originally Posted by qtpi
Has anyone else found that a lot of men- I am beginning to think- like 95% - are just hoping to have a hookup- a sexual encounter within a few minutes of meeting? Hence my dozens of first dates- always at a coffee shop for an hour- but maybe I just don't get it yet. Are there any men out there who want more than sex with whomever?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, I'm sorry that didn't work out so well but looking at it another way, it kind of did.
You suspected red flags, looked at your journaling and did research. You listened to yourself. Is this something you would have done historically? Probably not! I think it's great how pro-active you are being about protecting yourself, that's a huge achievement.
You suspected red flags, looked at your journaling and did research. You listened to yourself. Is this something you would have done historically? Probably not! I think it's great how pro-active you are being about protecting yourself, that's a huge achievement.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Yes I did have success. I've been with new Guy for....(counts on fingers) Six years .
Some of the men were not for me. Sometimes, I was not for them. Sometimes, they should have been attending to things other than dating. (If you're unemployed and your hostess's landlord is reminding her the apartment lease was for one person only, you should be looking for work, not dates)
For what it's worth, I found that listing my strengths and hobbies instead of a list of requirements for a mate did two things: it sounds less needy and demanding, and gives a potential mate a window into your character. For instance, I would say in my ad, I'm not a girly girl. If that's what some one DOES want, no point wasting his time with me. There will be no second date.
Some of the men were not for me. Sometimes, I was not for them. Sometimes, they should have been attending to things other than dating. (If you're unemployed and your hostess's landlord is reminding her the apartment lease was for one person only, you should be looking for work, not dates)
For what it's worth, I found that listing my strengths and hobbies instead of a list of requirements for a mate did two things: it sounds less needy and demanding, and gives a potential mate a window into your character. For instance, I would say in my ad, I'm not a girly girl. If that's what some one DOES want, no point wasting his time with me. There will be no second date.
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