I struggle to let go because of my dad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
I struggle to let go because of my dad
I feel for everybody on here who just want their husband/wife/family back. We all want to hold on just in case they sober up... Become themselves again. I think we're all still in shock that we're here at all. Even those like me with the red flags. How did this happen?
I think everyone who loves an addict is a natural healer. Cos we can't/won't let go. Even when it physically and mentally harms us. We forget to love ourselves first ironically because we're so nonplussed by the addict who can't love himself either. How can you show an addict self love when you're self harming by allowing their actions? We only stop when our parental instincts kick in. NOT MY CHILD TOO.
My dad drank. He was a fun drunk. He never drank at home and pretty much kept it to the weekends. He'd be hung over Sat & Sun drank Sun afternoon too. When he was sober he was poisonous. I never knew what we were gonna get. He was only violent when he was sober. My mum finally separated from him when it became legal in my home country. 16yrs later after absolutely no contact with him, I reached out so that I could forgive him and move on. I had maybe 18 months contact via phone calls and letters. We met once. I knew I was saying goodbye and Im glad I got to hold him one last time. My lil bro made brief contact with him too. My other siblings were horrified that I could forgive. A month later he was found dead in his bedsit. He'd been dead 3 days. There was a half penned letter to me on his desk.
He NEVER, stopped drinking. He lost his wife of 21yrs, all of his kids, home.. God knows how many friends. Only one of his sisters was in contact with him. He died, in pain, all on his own.
He could have gotten help... Anywhere along the way. Bizarrely we were both into energy healing. But in his mind he wasn't sick.
I know we all want our sober loved ones back. Nobody wants them to end up like my dad. My EXAH knows what happened to my dad. But he's still drinking.
I'm not sure what I wanted to say today other than its hard to let go of somebody who's killing themselves. Today I asked God to just let him go. If that's what he really wants. Just let it be peaceful and don't let it drag out for another 30years. I don't want to watch anymore.
And I just lost my job... Like an hour ago. Any millionaires out there want to fund my life?
I think everyone who loves an addict is a natural healer. Cos we can't/won't let go. Even when it physically and mentally harms us. We forget to love ourselves first ironically because we're so nonplussed by the addict who can't love himself either. How can you show an addict self love when you're self harming by allowing their actions? We only stop when our parental instincts kick in. NOT MY CHILD TOO.
My dad drank. He was a fun drunk. He never drank at home and pretty much kept it to the weekends. He'd be hung over Sat & Sun drank Sun afternoon too. When he was sober he was poisonous. I never knew what we were gonna get. He was only violent when he was sober. My mum finally separated from him when it became legal in my home country. 16yrs later after absolutely no contact with him, I reached out so that I could forgive him and move on. I had maybe 18 months contact via phone calls and letters. We met once. I knew I was saying goodbye and Im glad I got to hold him one last time. My lil bro made brief contact with him too. My other siblings were horrified that I could forgive. A month later he was found dead in his bedsit. He'd been dead 3 days. There was a half penned letter to me on his desk.
He NEVER, stopped drinking. He lost his wife of 21yrs, all of his kids, home.. God knows how many friends. Only one of his sisters was in contact with him. He died, in pain, all on his own.
He could have gotten help... Anywhere along the way. Bizarrely we were both into energy healing. But in his mind he wasn't sick.
I know we all want our sober loved ones back. Nobody wants them to end up like my dad. My EXAH knows what happened to my dad. But he's still drinking.
I'm not sure what I wanted to say today other than its hard to let go of somebody who's killing themselves. Today I asked God to just let him go. If that's what he really wants. Just let it be peaceful and don't let it drag out for another 30years. I don't want to watch anymore.
And I just lost my job... Like an hour ago. Any millionaires out there want to fund my life?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Milano, so sorry to hear about your job! That must have come as a shock. I hope you find another (even better) job really soon.
What you said was really interesting. My Father was also an alcoholic all his life (well as long as I knew him!). I only went no contact with him for about a year, once, as I was fed up.
So yes he lost his marriage but we kids all still visited him occasionally although he could be hard to be around sometimes he was pretty much sober when we did visit.
I hear what you are saying about "giving up". It really goes against all the good things we are taught:
- Loyalty
- Kindness
- Love
- Understanding
- Empathy
- Compassion
These are all great things! Thing is, they are great when they are in their proper place/context.
When those things become something that is used as a tool to hold you to some kind of dysfunctional relationship, then what are they? I think it makes them misplaced. I think they can all be there without throwing yourself under the bus and that's not an easy thing to do. Sacrifice could probably be in that list, but at what cost?
The compassion the empathy the support that loyalty when misplaced helps no one (and especially not you). You need to apply all those things (first and foremost) to yourself, you deserve all of them as well.
What you said was really interesting. My Father was also an alcoholic all his life (well as long as I knew him!). I only went no contact with him for about a year, once, as I was fed up.
So yes he lost his marriage but we kids all still visited him occasionally although he could be hard to be around sometimes he was pretty much sober when we did visit.
I hear what you are saying about "giving up". It really goes against all the good things we are taught:
- Loyalty
- Kindness
- Love
- Understanding
- Empathy
- Compassion
These are all great things! Thing is, they are great when they are in their proper place/context.
When those things become something that is used as a tool to hold you to some kind of dysfunctional relationship, then what are they? I think it makes them misplaced. I think they can all be there without throwing yourself under the bus and that's not an easy thing to do. Sacrifice could probably be in that list, but at what cost?
The compassion the empathy the support that loyalty when misplaced helps no one (and especially not you). You need to apply all those things (first and foremost) to yourself, you deserve all of them as well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
Milano, I’m so sorry you lost your job. I’m no millionaire but I am working on winning the lottery 😉 When that works out for me I’m happy to share.
Your post feels like it was written just for me. I am still living with my AH and have just recently made the decision to separate. AH will admit that he’s an alcoholic, and I had been mistaking that for him wanting to quit. Within the last month I have seen clearly that he is still very much in denial and has no desire to quit, and that I can’t keep myself and our son in this situation. I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping a stiff upper lip, and have been researching alcoholism, codependency, addiction, treatment, all of it. Trying to take steps in the right direction.
But the last few nights, after he’s gone to bed, I have been looking at the pictures of the three of us that are still hanging on the walls and it’s been tearing me up completely. I would give ANYTHING to have that guy in the pictures back. For me it feels like I’m grieving his actual death. Intellectually I know that he has to choose to quit, and I’m struggling to accept that he might not ever make that choice.
I’m trying so hard to learn how to let go, but I don’t want to let him go. I have told him so many times before, it’s like I have an alternate track of our lives together that is running in my head, and it’s nothing crazy or far-fetched. It’s us doing normal stuff - staying up late on Fridays with our son watching cheesy 80’s movies, going out for snow cones after work, taking our kiddo to the drive in movies, having family game nights. Having the occasional date night where we end up talking about how cool our kid is. We had every bit of that, and he says that he still wants that life... but it’s absolutely not possible the way he’s drinking.
And you are are spot on about us being natural healers. I’ve been a nurse for 8 years, and I absolutely feel like it’s a calling. But at the same time, I feel guilt because I’m helping to take care of other people every single day, and I can’t help my husband.
Sorry, I feel like I might be rambling. But thank you so much for this post. It is exactly what I needed.
Your post feels like it was written just for me. I am still living with my AH and have just recently made the decision to separate. AH will admit that he’s an alcoholic, and I had been mistaking that for him wanting to quit. Within the last month I have seen clearly that he is still very much in denial and has no desire to quit, and that I can’t keep myself and our son in this situation. I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping a stiff upper lip, and have been researching alcoholism, codependency, addiction, treatment, all of it. Trying to take steps in the right direction.
But the last few nights, after he’s gone to bed, I have been looking at the pictures of the three of us that are still hanging on the walls and it’s been tearing me up completely. I would give ANYTHING to have that guy in the pictures back. For me it feels like I’m grieving his actual death. Intellectually I know that he has to choose to quit, and I’m struggling to accept that he might not ever make that choice.
I’m trying so hard to learn how to let go, but I don’t want to let him go. I have told him so many times before, it’s like I have an alternate track of our lives together that is running in my head, and it’s nothing crazy or far-fetched. It’s us doing normal stuff - staying up late on Fridays with our son watching cheesy 80’s movies, going out for snow cones after work, taking our kiddo to the drive in movies, having family game nights. Having the occasional date night where we end up talking about how cool our kid is. We had every bit of that, and he says that he still wants that life... but it’s absolutely not possible the way he’s drinking.
And you are are spot on about us being natural healers. I’ve been a nurse for 8 years, and I absolutely feel like it’s a calling. But at the same time, I feel guilt because I’m helping to take care of other people every single day, and I can’t help my husband.
Sorry, I feel like I might be rambling. But thank you so much for this post. It is exactly what I needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
We're separated.. So the relationship as such is at a distance
He's also with a new enabler. Sorry, today has just been a hard day. To go through job loss on my own now too. Yeah, I know I'll get a new role. Its not a reflection of my work or anything. They just don't need my specialty anymore. It just sux cos they were there for me when I split with EXAH. They even gave me a week off for domestic violence and offered to come to court with me. Somebody even cooked me meals for a week when I was really struggling. I even told my boss that I'd never have left my EXAH if I'd been working somewhere else, cos I wouldn't have had the support. They'd become my 2nd family. And now they're gone too. Never rains but it pours eh?? Sorry... Just needed something in my life to stay the same.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Milano....gosh, you have had a hard time, today....I understand that you will miss the people at your job....the connections....Maybe, you can keep in touch with some of them.....?
In light of what you shared about your father.....I am thinking that the organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics" could be of use and comfort for you....In case there are no groups where you are....There is a lot of their literature on amazon.com.....
Actually, they are recommended for those who are from dysfunctional families, also...even if there was no alcoholic parent....
I am quite sure that the material will resonate a lot with y ou!
My heart goes out to you...and, I am glad that you p osted here.....
In light of what you shared about your father.....I am thinking that the organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics" could be of use and comfort for you....In case there are no groups where you are....There is a lot of their literature on amazon.com.....
Actually, they are recommended for those who are from dysfunctional families, also...even if there was no alcoholic parent....
I am quite sure that the material will resonate a lot with y ou!
My heart goes out to you...and, I am glad that you p osted here.....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very sorry for your loss.
The reality is, you did not cause it, you could not control it, and you could not cure it.
Using for an addict is like breathing. They cannot imagine life without it. It does not mean they don't love, it just means they cannot put anything above their addiction.
Big hugs to you!
The reality is, you did not cause it, you could not control it, and you could not cure it.
Using for an addict is like breathing. They cannot imagine life without it. It does not mean they don't love, it just means they cannot put anything above their addiction.
Big hugs to you!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Milano,
I'm sorry for your losses. It hurts. It sucks. We acknowledge these things. The three A's: awareness, acceptance, action.
We can let go.
We can love ourselves and care for ourselves first. These are learned habits and skills that can actively be nurtured.
I'm sorry for your losses. It hurts. It sucks. We acknowledge these things. The three A's: awareness, acceptance, action.
We can let go.
We can love ourselves and care for ourselves first. These are learned habits and skills that can actively be nurtured.
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