bodhi01

Hi, so I'm here again. I failed my last attempt and did it with open arms. I feel quite ashamed especially in light of what drove me to become sober the last time. Since then I've again, taken drugs and my alcohol intake has become dangerous. A few things have happened in the past month that I've stepped up for and I feel like I'm finally ready to ask people for help myself. My best friend was killing himself with cocaine. I staged an intervention and it's saved his life. He came out of rehab earlier this week and is clean, sober and happy. I'm very proud of him. My best friends brother, also someone I knew well killed himself last week due to mental health issues. I've been with my friend and his family since then. Fortunately I quit my job three weeks ago and have been able to give the time to him. I feel sad, confused, tired, weak and scared. I've been drinking a lot. I'm a functioning alcoholic and people don't even know when I'm drunk a lot of the time. I think about drinking all the time. It consumes my mind. I find life very hard to handle but when I'm drinking I appear to be stronger to other people. I've only managed to keep my **** together through this past week because of alcohol. I know I'm going to kill myself or someone else if I don't stop. I'm making reckless decisions and get behind the wheel after drinking too much. It has to stop. I'm going to an AA meeting tonight. It will be my first ever one. I didn't want to post on here because my failed attempts make me feel like a joke. Somethings changed this time after my friends suicide. Life feels different and my relationship with my friends feels different. What I want from life now feels different. I feel humbled and my insane drive is dampened. I know it's early days and I'm saying a lot here but I feel more of a clarity to the importance of life and I want to embrace it now and not hide behind the mask of alcohol. I hope in the coming days, months and years I can prove to everyone I'm the person I always dreamt I would be. Thanks for reading.

Pinky1

Alcohol doesn't make you stronger to deal with the situation, however awful the situation is.
Your friend is coping with the loss of a sibling sober after coming out of rehab. You can do this and you can be the person that you want to be.
Keep posting and stay strong.

Ayers

Hi Bodhi,

You have already taken the first step of many on your path to blissful serenity and arriving at a stage where you feel happy with yourself and your life.

Good on you for going to an AA meeting tonight. And stay close here on SR. It has saved my life, my relationships with my loved ones and my relationship with myself.

My hopes for you is that you find peace within yourself during this life altering and exciting journey.

Dee74

Welcome back Bodhi

I dunno - I'd have sworn I was functional and appeared strong to others but in reality that was SO not the case.

I think true strength - real strength - is not always readily apparent anyway.

Anyone who can set aside their ego and ask for help and live with addiction yet stay in recovery is like Charles Atlas, Chuck Norris and Andre The Giant rolled into one for me.

I'm glad you're back and super glad you're trying out a meeting.

Whatever happens, please don't drive drunk anymore - you not only risk your own safety but you put others life at risk too when you do that

D

RetiredGuy

I wish you success in your effort to stay sober. It is hard work at first, but the good news is that if you stick with it will be the best thing you ever did for yourself!

These forums were a huge help to me in my early days and I am sure they will be for you.

Anna

Welcome back, and I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now. You can be the person you want to be and this is a good start. I hope that you have a plan for how to remain sober, because, as you know, recovery involves so much more than stopping drinking/drugs.

Abraham

Andre The Giant Was a huge drinker though. Said he drank 156 beers in one sitting once.

needshelp111

He struggled with massive back pain since he was growing still as an adult.

Callas

I also had to learn the hard way that a functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic. It never ends well. Good to start changing now.

needshelp111

I would say in some ways, being a Functional Alcoholic is worse than a full-blown alcoholic. The functional type kind of fool themselves and others they are okay with drinking for much longer than stage 5's. Don't get me wrong about being either. Neither is fun to be.

JoePenner

Welcome, I just got here myself a few days ago. I like to keep reminding myself that there is no downside to sobriety. It's all good. The coolest thing is that once you stop you feel better in no time. Focus on the pleasure you'll get by being sober. Soon you'll realize how much pain you've been living in. But, it's like when you stop poking yourself in your eye. At the time you may not have realized it but once you stop it becomes obvious.

SoberRican

Thanks for sharing sounds to me like you're getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. Get to that meeting surround yourself by positivity

january161992

thats the ticket!

Delilah1

Welcome back!

bodhi01

Thanks everyone. AA was really something. I had a point where I realised just what I'm going through in life atm. Both my Mum and Dad have autoimmune diseases and their life expectancies are dramatically shortened. My Nan is laso dying of alzheimers and doesn't have long left. I only got back in touch with my Mum to make amends over a family breakup due to a hard childhood a few months back. I saw her yesterday for only the second time in five years. I've been supporting my friend post rehab and supporting my other friend and his family after his brother comitted suicide. I only had a very near miss with death a few months ago after a bad mix of drugs and alcohol and left my job three weeks ago.
I just sat there in AA last night and it all hit me. It was the first time I acknowledged just what I'm having to process and I welled up. I spoke out in the group and it helped. My friend out of rehab was there also which helped me to find the courage to talk. I stayed with him and his family last night and there's love and support for us both. I'm not kidding myself anymore. I know this is it now. Do or die. I have too many challenges to face that can't be helped with alcohol. It's a mask, that's all and I need to step up. I also need to take care of my own mental health. I am going to go to as many AA meetings as I can to work through this.

Do I need to worry about going cold turkey on the alcohol? Last night felt really sick and was sweting it out and having heart palpitations. Day two should be far easier I know.

Thanks everyone.

D122y

The company line, I think this site is funded by rehab centers, is see a Dr.

I went cold turkey and it hardened me. I probably have ptsd from going cold turkey. That might be good thing. If getting sober was easy, everyone would do it.

Popping some feel good pills could lead to a nastier addiction of meds and booze. But, it could get a person well they tell me.

All the stats I have seen said that chances of an addict staying sober for 5 years is very low. But once they get there, the chances of staying sober increases.

5 years seemed like I long time when I was day 1.

Suffering silently in the face of all issues was my way out. The cool thing is that i never really got better, I just got used to feeling this way. Then it got better.

That is the best way I can explain my sober state. I am used to feeling this way now. I don't think I feel normal, but what is feeling normal?

The main thing is I don't drink anymore. I deal with life stone sober, minus a red bull sometimes. It feels super cool

Being an ex addict is rock star. If I was a non drinker for life I could not be as together as I am now.

Knowing what awaits for me at the bottom of a whisky bottle is powerful stuff.

I stay clean by any means necessary.

Thanks.

Dee74

Hi Bodhi

No one here can give you any guarantees on cold turkey.
Best advice I can offer is see your Dr if you're worried about withdrawal.

D

january161992

hows day 2 going for you?

Anustart

Only through the grace of my Higher Power did I never kill anyone while driving under the influence. I did it so many times. In Los Angeles. And I'm a terrible driver even sober!

It's good that you recognize that as an indicator that its time to pack it in.

Misssy2

I know what you mean about feeling like a "joke"...but the alternative is....to be dead from alcohol or to kill someone else or yourself while drinking and driving and what a tragedy it would be.

I have to push aside what anyone may think of me if I drink...because if I want to STOP it becomes the most important thing I can do for my life...and those around me and at that point it doesn't matter what anyone thinks...

If I need to vent about it...these are the types of forums where one person may think I'm a "joke" but another person may know right where I am at....and something I say...just like some things you said can help other people to be brave and come out and ask for help.

The people that want to mock you when you fall....don't matter.
Its the ones that give you the love and support and you never KNOW which time ....its going to really help you get thru a tough day.

So never sell yourself short by not typing because of what you THINK someone may think....Your LIFE is more important.

I wish you luck this time...I think you sound good and I think you sound ready.

And if your not ready? Guess what? I will still be here "by the Grace of God" to support you if you fall.