New to things, Maybe it's just me?
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 2
New to things, Maybe it's just me?
Very new to this forum, but have loved knowing I'm not alone. I don't do well in the "meeting" setting and i'm so blessed to know you are all here.
I met my RABF about a year and a half ago. When we met, he was attempting "self recovery". I had no clue. What a wonderful connection, we are so great together. He has always been kind and patient, loving and it wasn't until about Fall of last year that i started to piece it together that he is and alcoholic. At first i felt guilt because his turning point from refraining from drinking to full on pass out drunk was my birthday. (I have since gotten over that guilt and know better). I was at the point last October to finally tell him this was not working for me, when he made the choice to seek real help.
His mother and I drove him to the ER for detox. He almost died it was so bad. ICU under medical sedation while on a ventilator. Thankfully he has come out and made a full medical recovery. we are still dealing with the esophageal varacies and the cyrosis.
He has did the 30 day Inpatient (over Christmas holidays) and then a 90 day OIP and now has been in Sober living. He is thriving! AA is doing well and he is over 200+ days sober.
All of this sounds great - and it is. Personality wise - he is still my man. He still talks to me everyday (call or text) but i can't help feel that i am slowly being left in a corner? He has a young daughter with his XW - and she is beyond a joy!!! But the X? it seems like she is fining excuses to have him communicate with her more. She is living with another man currently so it all gets sticky.
So basically i don't know if anyone else felt like they don't fit in the picture anymore. He still tells me he loves me, he still makes time here and there - but his daughter (Obviously) and commitments to the SL House come first. I feel like i'm always the last choice and to top it off there has been very very very little intimacy between us since the hospital last October. If there is such a thing, is any of this normal? or does it sound like he is moving on?
Thank you all for listening to my nut case head jumble. I appreciate you all.
I met my RABF about a year and a half ago. When we met, he was attempting "self recovery". I had no clue. What a wonderful connection, we are so great together. He has always been kind and patient, loving and it wasn't until about Fall of last year that i started to piece it together that he is and alcoholic. At first i felt guilt because his turning point from refraining from drinking to full on pass out drunk was my birthday. (I have since gotten over that guilt and know better). I was at the point last October to finally tell him this was not working for me, when he made the choice to seek real help.
His mother and I drove him to the ER for detox. He almost died it was so bad. ICU under medical sedation while on a ventilator. Thankfully he has come out and made a full medical recovery. we are still dealing with the esophageal varacies and the cyrosis.
He has did the 30 day Inpatient (over Christmas holidays) and then a 90 day OIP and now has been in Sober living. He is thriving! AA is doing well and he is over 200+ days sober.
All of this sounds great - and it is. Personality wise - he is still my man. He still talks to me everyday (call or text) but i can't help feel that i am slowly being left in a corner? He has a young daughter with his XW - and she is beyond a joy!!! But the X? it seems like she is fining excuses to have him communicate with her more. She is living with another man currently so it all gets sticky.
So basically i don't know if anyone else felt like they don't fit in the picture anymore. He still tells me he loves me, he still makes time here and there - but his daughter (Obviously) and commitments to the SL House come first. I feel like i'm always the last choice and to top it off there has been very very very little intimacy between us since the hospital last October. If there is such a thing, is any of this normal? or does it sound like he is moving on?
Thank you all for listening to my nut case head jumble. I appreciate you all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Hi Krazykitty and welcome.
I don't have anything to share on this but I have heard it several times on these boards. I'm going to search to see if I can find some of those older threads for you.
So to answer your question, yes, it does happen, I don't know how often and I haven't actually ever read a description of "why" that resonates across postings.
If a person is involved with an addict/alcoholic and they then become sober, chances are you don't know the sober person really. They may not even know the "sober" person themselves if they have been addicted for years.
Even when a person is in active addiction but not drinking for a day or two, their mind is still not sober. I think its hard to say where his head is at right now, he may not even know. Have you asked him?
I don't have anything to share on this but I have heard it several times on these boards. I'm going to search to see if I can find some of those older threads for you.
So to answer your question, yes, it does happen, I don't know how often and I haven't actually ever read a description of "why" that resonates across postings.
If a person is involved with an addict/alcoholic and they then become sober, chances are you don't know the sober person really. They may not even know the "sober" person themselves if they have been addicted for years.
Even when a person is in active addiction but not drinking for a day or two, their mind is still not sober. I think its hard to say where his head is at right now, he may not even know. Have you asked him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Here are a few links to threads KK - some of them are old so probably not worth replying in but I thought they might be helpful. I'm sure there will be other people coming along that have experience with this as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Boyfriend in Recovery and Need Advice)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-distant.html (He is about to leave rehab, seems distant.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...n-nothing.html (Has it all been for nothing?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...behaviors.html
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...b-romance.html (Cheated for a Rehab Romance)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ter-rehab.html (Will he leave me after rehab?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ter-rehab.html (Boyfriend ignoring me after rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Boyfriend in Recovery and Need Advice)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-distant.html (He is about to leave rehab, seems distant.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...n-nothing.html (Has it all been for nothing?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...behaviors.html
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...b-romance.html (Cheated for a Rehab Romance)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ter-rehab.html (Will he leave me after rehab?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ter-rehab.html (Boyfriend ignoring me after rehab)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I understand why you feel that way. Sobriety is a life/death proposition so he must put recovery first. He is still in very early recovery; the first year is not only about not drinking but also finding out who you are. Have you gone to Alanon? It would probably be a big help. Big hug!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KK......As per Trailmix….this is, indeed, a common cmplaint of those who are in relationships with someone who is very active in their recovery program...."feeling left out"....
Even for those who are not in active recovery, which takes a lot of time...the partner often complains that the "dry" alcoholic is not the same as they had expected...and, seem very shocked and disappointed...because they had expected that the absence of alcohol would turn the alcoholic into the person that they had wanted them to be....
Another big shocker, for many partners---they did not realize that this would essentially be a "new" relationship, and that they would have to make as many changes and adjustments as the alcoholic...
In your situation..it appears that these are still very early days. Just over 6 months...? It takes at least six months for the alcoholic's head to begin to come out of the fog...and a year or two to really physically heal....
In intense recovery program IS very time consuming....
This is just the reality of it...and, the recovery program is essentially, the first priority....it has to be...because it is the difference between life and death for the alcoholic....
Your boyfriend may be trying extra hard to be a conscientious parent, now...
***Perhaps, you could talk to him regarding the relationship with his ex wife....so, the both of you can put your cards on the table about that and clear the air....and, define your respective expectations around that issue....
Of course, the daughter will always be in his life...as well as a recovery program, if all goes well.....
I do get it, that he has less time for spending with you, these days, and, that must leave a void in the position that he occupied, previously....and, that is quite an adjustment, in a relationship.....
I know it can leave a person feeling un-needed and/or unwanted.....
A question---I notice that you say that you don't do well in "meetings".....
Would It be accurate to ask if you might consider yourself to be an introvert...?
If so, is it possible that you depended on getting a lot of your companionship needs met through your boyfriend...? If so, I can see why the void would be especially bothersome for you....
It will become necessary for you to get more of your social and friendship needs met through developing other friendhips and activities....which will become part of your own adjustments to the new relationship....
***the lack of intimacy issues is actually a complex and common one....
Over in the mens' forum, there is a lot of discussion, among them, regarding this issue.....and, there are a lot of factors involved....
It is still very early days,,,,and, I think it will take more time to see what the water level will be when it is all settled out.....at least a year or more...probably more....
Meanwhile, I suggest that it is now time to turn your focus toward yourself, more and your own activities and insights.....
Some relationships survive, and some don't.....time will tell....
Even for those who are not in active recovery, which takes a lot of time...the partner often complains that the "dry" alcoholic is not the same as they had expected...and, seem very shocked and disappointed...because they had expected that the absence of alcohol would turn the alcoholic into the person that they had wanted them to be....
Another big shocker, for many partners---they did not realize that this would essentially be a "new" relationship, and that they would have to make as many changes and adjustments as the alcoholic...
In your situation..it appears that these are still very early days. Just over 6 months...? It takes at least six months for the alcoholic's head to begin to come out of the fog...and a year or two to really physically heal....
In intense recovery program IS very time consuming....
This is just the reality of it...and, the recovery program is essentially, the first priority....it has to be...because it is the difference between life and death for the alcoholic....
Your boyfriend may be trying extra hard to be a conscientious parent, now...
***Perhaps, you could talk to him regarding the relationship with his ex wife....so, the both of you can put your cards on the table about that and clear the air....and, define your respective expectations around that issue....
Of course, the daughter will always be in his life...as well as a recovery program, if all goes well.....
I do get it, that he has less time for spending with you, these days, and, that must leave a void in the position that he occupied, previously....and, that is quite an adjustment, in a relationship.....
I know it can leave a person feeling un-needed and/or unwanted.....
A question---I notice that you say that you don't do well in "meetings".....
Would It be accurate to ask if you might consider yourself to be an introvert...?
If so, is it possible that you depended on getting a lot of your companionship needs met through your boyfriend...? If so, I can see why the void would be especially bothersome for you....
It will become necessary for you to get more of your social and friendship needs met through developing other friendhips and activities....which will become part of your own adjustments to the new relationship....
***the lack of intimacy issues is actually a complex and common one....
Over in the mens' forum, there is a lot of discussion, among them, regarding this issue.....and, there are a lot of factors involved....
It is still very early days,,,,and, I think it will take more time to see what the water level will be when it is all settled out.....at least a year or more...probably more....
Meanwhile, I suggest that it is now time to turn your focus toward yourself, more and your own activities and insights.....
Some relationships survive, and some don't.....time will tell....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 2
When i say i don't do well in meetings ... I have so much i want to say, but i can't make sense so i ramble. there are a small few people that we meet fro coffee every other week that is like our mini support. they are great! In fact one of them turned me to this very forum.
I try to keep my focus on me - I go out with friends, I have a summer place out of town that i have no issue going alone so i can have the quiet reading time
!!
We are very open with each other. no topic is off the table. He talks to me about what he "gets" out of meetings. He talks to me about his X and he pointed out that he feels its odd that she is talking to him so much again. He has pointed it out to me that he reminded her that he IS in a relationship and he is in a good place in his life, they can be friendly for their daughter - but that's the line he is choosing to draw.
I guess the biggest part for me is the loss of physical intimacy. I crave to have him want me like he did before. I fear that the attraction is no longer there, but he assures me that he fells that way - he just doesn't know why it off. I'm so proud of him and how far he has come. We have talked about this, and i don;t want to add more pressure to what he already has on his shoulders. He is back to working full time, had a solid relationship with his daughter, he has been named assistant to the assistant house manager st the SLH....
Again, maybe its me? I usually have the patience of a saint, and i have supported him with boundaries. I just don't know if I am being too selfish wanting to have the physical intimacy?
All of you have been so great!
I try to keep my focus on me - I go out with friends, I have a summer place out of town that i have no issue going alone so i can have the quiet reading time
!! We are very open with each other. no topic is off the table. He talks to me about what he "gets" out of meetings. He talks to me about his X and he pointed out that he feels its odd that she is talking to him so much again. He has pointed it out to me that he reminded her that he IS in a relationship and he is in a good place in his life, they can be friendly for their daughter - but that's the line he is choosing to draw.
I guess the biggest part for me is the loss of physical intimacy. I crave to have him want me like he did before. I fear that the attraction is no longer there, but he assures me that he fells that way - he just doesn't know why it off. I'm so proud of him and how far he has come. We have talked about this, and i don;t want to add more pressure to what he already has on his shoulders. He is back to working full time, had a solid relationship with his daughter, he has been named assistant to the assistant house manager st the SLH....
Again, maybe its me? I usually have the patience of a saint, and i have supported him with boundaries. I just don't know if I am being too selfish wanting to have the physical intimacy?
All of you have been so great!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kK…..It is not you! I used to run a program for alcoholics, for an HMO....as a medical person.....
This was a common complaint of the alcoholic and their wives....most of my patients were middle aged.....In fact, there was a Urologist that I sent patients to for this specific reason....for a complete work up.....
Again, it is still early days....and, your boyfriend has esophageal varices and cirrhosis of the liver....so, there can be lots of physical, potential reasons, for this...including certain medications....
then, there is the whole realm of emotional reasons for this...all of which are usually very distressing for the male...even if they don't talk openly, about it....
Lack of desire or performance issues can strike fear to a man's heart...lol...
But, these issues can be dealt with....given the right kind of
professional help, enough patience and time, and, of course, if the relationship is a healthy one, in itself....
It really is a complicated issue...with many factors, on both sides....
I would suggest that you talk with your boyfriend and...
first....see a Urologist...first with your boyfriend, alone....and, then an appointment as a couple, to discuss it. Most urologists have some therapists in their back pocket that they send patients to for the psychological, emotional aspect of this.....
I, also suggest that you might so some reading over in the men's forum, as they frequently discuss this important issue....(just read/don't post...it is only for men)…..
There is a lot of information, on line, also....so, you might want to do some reading on the subject, there....but, don't fail to get professional help and advice, if this continues to be an issue in the relationship..This is one issue that it doesn't help to sweep under the rug....it,eventually, needs to be faced and talked about, openly...otherwise it just festers....
Quote---"In a relationship, if al is going well, sex is only ten present...but, if there are problems, it feels like ninety percent".
This was a common complaint of the alcoholic and their wives....most of my patients were middle aged.....In fact, there was a Urologist that I sent patients to for this specific reason....for a complete work up.....
Again, it is still early days....and, your boyfriend has esophageal varices and cirrhosis of the liver....so, there can be lots of physical, potential reasons, for this...including certain medications....
then, there is the whole realm of emotional reasons for this...all of which are usually very distressing for the male...even if they don't talk openly, about it....
Lack of desire or performance issues can strike fear to a man's heart...lol...
But, these issues can be dealt with....given the right kind of
professional help, enough patience and time, and, of course, if the relationship is a healthy one, in itself....
It really is a complicated issue...with many factors, on both sides....
I would suggest that you talk with your boyfriend and...
first....see a Urologist...first with your boyfriend, alone....and, then an appointment as a couple, to discuss it. Most urologists have some therapists in their back pocket that they send patients to for the psychological, emotional aspect of this.....
I, also suggest that you might so some reading over in the men's forum, as they frequently discuss this important issue....(just read/don't post...it is only for men)…..
There is a lot of information, on line, also....so, you might want to do some reading on the subject, there....but, don't fail to get professional help and advice, if this continues to be an issue in the relationship..This is one issue that it doesn't help to sweep under the rug....it,eventually, needs to be faced and talked about, openly...otherwise it just festers....
Quote---"In a relationship, if al is going well, sex is only ten present...but, if there are problems, it feels like ninety percent".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I just don't know if I am being too selfish wanting to have the physical intimacy?
HI Krazykitty! Welcome
I mean, we all want we want out of an intimate relationship, so there is nothing wrong/selfish with you craving more intimacy. Totally a normal impulse!
Relationships with addicts can be so frustrating because it seems like everything has to be on their terms, can't interfere with their alcohol use and then when they get sober can't interfere with their recovery! Sometimes what we learn from that is that our needs aren't as important, we put OURSELVES second.
It doesn't take "patience" although being patient in any relationship is a gift. I think it takes you knowing what you want and what you are willing or not willing to compromise to get it. This happens in normie relationships too - and people have to find ways to address problems.
I wonder if physical intimacy is your "love language" and the lack of it and feeling like you are last on a list of priorities makes you feel unloved. Feeling unloved in a relationship is no bueno!
It's nice you have a quiet place to go to alone to read and think. So you have space to contemplate whether this particular relationship is working for you and if it's possible for you to get what you need from it? Recovering alcoholics have to learn how to resolve issues while sober...if it seems he is making progress in that direction and you are honestly getting something out of the relationship then carry on. But if you are dissatisfied pay attention to that voice inside you! For me, after my divorce, I realized the loneliness, frustration, and sadness of being in a crappy relationship was WAY worse than being single.
It all comes down to what do you want? The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
HI Krazykitty! Welcome
I mean, we all want we want out of an intimate relationship, so there is nothing wrong/selfish with you craving more intimacy. Totally a normal impulse!
Relationships with addicts can be so frustrating because it seems like everything has to be on their terms, can't interfere with their alcohol use and then when they get sober can't interfere with their recovery! Sometimes what we learn from that is that our needs aren't as important, we put OURSELVES second.
It doesn't take "patience" although being patient in any relationship is a gift. I think it takes you knowing what you want and what you are willing or not willing to compromise to get it. This happens in normie relationships too - and people have to find ways to address problems.
I wonder if physical intimacy is your "love language" and the lack of it and feeling like you are last on a list of priorities makes you feel unloved. Feeling unloved in a relationship is no bueno!
It's nice you have a quiet place to go to alone to read and think. So you have space to contemplate whether this particular relationship is working for you and if it's possible for you to get what you need from it? Recovering alcoholics have to learn how to resolve issues while sober...if it seems he is making progress in that direction and you are honestly getting something out of the relationship then carry on. But if you are dissatisfied pay attention to that voice inside you! For me, after my divorce, I realized the loneliness, frustration, and sadness of being in a crappy relationship was WAY worse than being single.
It all comes down to what do you want? The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KK....Bernadette makes an excellent point about love language....In fact, there is a very popular book...."The 5 Love Languages" ...by Gary Chapman....
It is easy to read and it is so enlightening....
I think this is a book that every person in a relationship could benefit from....
You can get it on amazon.com. I read it, a few years ago, and I really benefitted from it....
It is easy to read and it is so enlightening....
I think this is a book that every person in a relationship could benefit from....
You can get it on amazon.com. I read it, a few years ago, and I really benefitted from it....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR! This is a place of great support and I am so glad you are here.
I think the feelings you are having are pretty common. The reality is, addiction, and recovery, are very selfish. They both take a lot of time, and patience.
Do you have a counselor? I would say that was key for myself. Having a counselor who could help me through MY feelings. To help me take the focus off of everyone else for a little while and put it on me and my feelings and help me work through that.
Keep sharing. As I said, this is a place of huge support. You are not alone!
I think the feelings you are having are pretty common. The reality is, addiction, and recovery, are very selfish. They both take a lot of time, and patience.
Do you have a counselor? I would say that was key for myself. Having a counselor who could help me through MY feelings. To help me take the focus off of everyone else for a little while and put it on me and my feelings and help me work through that.
Keep sharing. As I said, this is a place of huge support. You are not alone!
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