Lost and confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Lost and confused
Tired of endless internet searches to try to find answers so figured I'd throw some specifics out here and see if I can get some help. Will be a long post so thank you for reading and any advice is greatly appreciated.
Here's the back story. I had some issues with drugs and alcohol that definitely played a bad role In my life in my 20s. Derailed a very promising pro baseball career and for the last 15 years or so I've been in good shape, physically and mentally. Drink only on a healthy level, here and there at this point.
A couple years ago I met an amazing woman. Funny, smart and attractive, all a person could want. It was apparent from the start though that she had a drinking problem. We had fun but it always escalated into her being the last one standing at all functions, big or small and alwsys looking for more. Not literally standing, as dozens of times in 2 years i had to help her walk and she also fell down pretty bad multiple times. From early on I expressed concern and probably wasn't thst nice about it at times. Basically she'd drink just about every night during the week on a low level (a half to 3/4s of a bottle of wine) but the weekends were always constant drunk fests. At times she would give in to my concerns and requests to slow down at least during the week but this would always result in her hiding it from me, drinking sparkling water but sneaking airplane bottles of vodka into them and pretending she wasn't drinking. I found the bottles many times and tasted the drinks to confirm when she was in bathroom or whatever. Also on many occasions she'd fill up wine or liquor bottles with water to mask how much she had drank.
This was a constant item of tension between us, especially me. She would and still won't admit it's an issue at all. Her friends have expressed concern to me, her family staged a half ass intervention as to her reply was "I'm not gonna drink for a few weeks to prove you all wrong ". She proceeded to drink every night for 21 days and it never changed at all. She had a seizure back in the fall.
All along, she was still my best friend and I loved her. The constant buzz or drunkenness really had an impact on my physical attraction for her. It created a huge wedge between us. She gave me multiple ultimatums along the way, where we'd live and eventually getting engaged. I gave in to them all, mostly due to my love for her. She even said if we got engaged she would cut way back or quit all together, which didn't happen at all. If anything the drinking escalated.
Throughout the engagement I was miserable. I felt like I was going down a bad road with someone that was so addicted and couldn't get excited or show excitement for it at all. I was negative and unhappy for sure. Her drinking also created alot of chaos in other ways. I drove everywhere, and did 95% of the work around the house. She might not be the most tidy person to begin with, but the drinking and residual apathy and laziness only was made worse and really bothered me.
About a month ago, she broke up with me. It was a huge surprise and I'm really struggling. I know in that state our relationship wss doomed, but I always hoped she'd see the light and get sober, or at least drink on even a moderately healthy level. Despite breaking up with me, she spent the next few weeks ripping me apart with some of the nastiest comments about just about everything she could hit me with. All the while not remotely acknowledging the impact her drinking had on it all. She's convinced that it was all me and even told me to get therapy. I did agree to that as I do have some things I can work on to be a better partner, for her or anyone and for overall happiness in life. But she still doesn't get it. I'm not even sure if me talking to someone and improving myself is with the interest of her getting back together with me, or as just a way of proving to herself that it was indeed my fault all along. All I know is she is my best friend, and I miss her a ton, and know she is now dating other people and I feel like I'm just an afterthought and that the cycle is going to continue for her without end. She's pressed to get married and have a family as she is 33 and "on the clock". I don't even have any specific questions, I just wanted to share my story and see if there was any feedback I could get on how to get through this brutal time. Thank you
Here's the back story. I had some issues with drugs and alcohol that definitely played a bad role In my life in my 20s. Derailed a very promising pro baseball career and for the last 15 years or so I've been in good shape, physically and mentally. Drink only on a healthy level, here and there at this point.
A couple years ago I met an amazing woman. Funny, smart and attractive, all a person could want. It was apparent from the start though that she had a drinking problem. We had fun but it always escalated into her being the last one standing at all functions, big or small and alwsys looking for more. Not literally standing, as dozens of times in 2 years i had to help her walk and she also fell down pretty bad multiple times. From early on I expressed concern and probably wasn't thst nice about it at times. Basically she'd drink just about every night during the week on a low level (a half to 3/4s of a bottle of wine) but the weekends were always constant drunk fests. At times she would give in to my concerns and requests to slow down at least during the week but this would always result in her hiding it from me, drinking sparkling water but sneaking airplane bottles of vodka into them and pretending she wasn't drinking. I found the bottles many times and tasted the drinks to confirm when she was in bathroom or whatever. Also on many occasions she'd fill up wine or liquor bottles with water to mask how much she had drank.
This was a constant item of tension between us, especially me. She would and still won't admit it's an issue at all. Her friends have expressed concern to me, her family staged a half ass intervention as to her reply was "I'm not gonna drink for a few weeks to prove you all wrong ". She proceeded to drink every night for 21 days and it never changed at all. She had a seizure back in the fall.
All along, she was still my best friend and I loved her. The constant buzz or drunkenness really had an impact on my physical attraction for her. It created a huge wedge between us. She gave me multiple ultimatums along the way, where we'd live and eventually getting engaged. I gave in to them all, mostly due to my love for her. She even said if we got engaged she would cut way back or quit all together, which didn't happen at all. If anything the drinking escalated.
Throughout the engagement I was miserable. I felt like I was going down a bad road with someone that was so addicted and couldn't get excited or show excitement for it at all. I was negative and unhappy for sure. Her drinking also created alot of chaos in other ways. I drove everywhere, and did 95% of the work around the house. She might not be the most tidy person to begin with, but the drinking and residual apathy and laziness only was made worse and really bothered me.
About a month ago, she broke up with me. It was a huge surprise and I'm really struggling. I know in that state our relationship wss doomed, but I always hoped she'd see the light and get sober, or at least drink on even a moderately healthy level. Despite breaking up with me, she spent the next few weeks ripping me apart with some of the nastiest comments about just about everything she could hit me with. All the while not remotely acknowledging the impact her drinking had on it all. She's convinced that it was all me and even told me to get therapy. I did agree to that as I do have some things I can work on to be a better partner, for her or anyone and for overall happiness in life. But she still doesn't get it. I'm not even sure if me talking to someone and improving myself is with the interest of her getting back together with me, or as just a way of proving to herself that it was indeed my fault all along. All I know is she is my best friend, and I miss her a ton, and know she is now dating other people and I feel like I'm just an afterthought and that the cycle is going to continue for her without end. She's pressed to get married and have a family as she is 33 and "on the clock". I don't even have any specific questions, I just wanted to share my story and see if there was any feedback I could get on how to get through this brutal time. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear California
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
To be brutally honest, she did you a favor on several fronts. The breakup was the last big favor.
If you look around on these pages, you will not find a single post where this kind of thing ended well for someone when they stayed. In fact, by the time children were in the picture, it was already a mess.
Please take this opportunity to work om YOU. Find out why you picked an addict. We are here to help and support you.
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
To be brutally honest, she did you a favor on several fronts. The breakup was the last big favor.
If you look around on these pages, you will not find a single post where this kind of thing ended well for someone when they stayed. In fact, by the time children were in the picture, it was already a mess.
Please take this opportunity to work om YOU. Find out why you picked an addict. We are here to help and support you.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I am so very sorry for your hurt. I am glad you’re here, because I hope it will help you understand that no matter what nonsense has come out of her mouth about the breakup, the cold fact is that she is addicted to alcohol and everything else is a distant second.
If you read many of the stories here, you may come to realize what a nightmare you’ve dodged. Imagine having married her...being tied to her legally and financially...as her addiction worsened. Your instincts were screaming at you not to go there and they were right.
Imagine having a child with her, possibly one with fetal alcohol syndrome. Imagine being responsible for 95% of that child’s care AND desperately loving that child while trying to protect him from the fallout of his mother’s addiction.
Your hurt will fade and you will live a better and happier life.
Wishing you peace and clarity.
If you read many of the stories here, you may come to realize what a nightmare you’ve dodged. Imagine having married her...being tied to her legally and financially...as her addiction worsened. Your instincts were screaming at you not to go there and they were right.
Imagine having a child with her, possibly one with fetal alcohol syndrome. Imagine being responsible for 95% of that child’s care AND desperately loving that child while trying to protect him from the fallout of his mother’s addiction.
Your hurt will fade and you will live a better and happier life.
Wishing you peace and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
California, the pain... confusion... lack of closure... sadness is real. You need time — time to step back and dive deep into what is truly a healthy relationship and most importantly, what is it that YOU need in life.
Continue reading the posts on this forum. They are so extremely life changing... personally, this forum and everyone here saved me!
I think some of the most important aspects I learned from others on here...
-unfortunately, expect the worst and prepare yourself. Stay on your “side of the street”! Detach! No contact works! Just like everyone said, my ex girlfriend’s alcoholism & her disease/issues became progressively worse... everything snowballed. Tolerable soon became intolerable! It’s such a helpless feeling but you have zero control over HER life and addiction.
-as sad as this sounds, be thankful she ended things. Yes, that realization will take much time. But as much as I’d like to say otherwise—the only closure you’ll ever find is within yourself! There’s always zero closure from an addict as you already probably know.
-for me, I truly had an inner awakening when I read all the heartbreaking stories of having children with an alcoholic! I read and read and read. I want children and to imagine bringing a child in such chaos is absolutely unacceptable for me. Consider yourself lucky... as negative as that sounds.
There’s just nothing healthy about being in a relationship with an active alcoholic or addict. Because an active addict simply cannot have a healthy relationship. It’s impossible and ultimately they will bring you down, and destroy your heart.
I’m sorry you’re in pain. Been there. All of us have. Go no contact and baby steps forward, day by day.
Continue reading the posts on this forum. They are so extremely life changing... personally, this forum and everyone here saved me!
I think some of the most important aspects I learned from others on here...
-unfortunately, expect the worst and prepare yourself. Stay on your “side of the street”! Detach! No contact works! Just like everyone said, my ex girlfriend’s alcoholism & her disease/issues became progressively worse... everything snowballed. Tolerable soon became intolerable! It’s such a helpless feeling but you have zero control over HER life and addiction.
-as sad as this sounds, be thankful she ended things. Yes, that realization will take much time. But as much as I’d like to say otherwise—the only closure you’ll ever find is within yourself! There’s always zero closure from an addict as you already probably know.
-for me, I truly had an inner awakening when I read all the heartbreaking stories of having children with an alcoholic! I read and read and read. I want children and to imagine bringing a child in such chaos is absolutely unacceptable for me. Consider yourself lucky... as negative as that sounds.
There’s just nothing healthy about being in a relationship with an active alcoholic or addict. Because an active addict simply cannot have a healthy relationship. It’s impossible and ultimately they will bring you down, and destroy your heart.
I’m sorry you’re in pain. Been there. All of us have. Go no contact and baby steps forward, day by day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Thanks to everyone for the heart felt advice, I really appreciate it and by all means keep them coming if there is more to add. It's nice to hear from people that have been thru this type of thing. My main question at this point would be regarding "no contact". I have a hard time with that, as even though I don't ever reach out first, she still texts me fairly frequently (mostly nasty stuff) and I have a hard time not replying, especially when the message is actually the rare normal one. I feel like someone that is hurting as much as she is would be extra impacted by getting ignored and it could make matters worse for them. Is that a wrong assumption? Keep in mind, I do love her despite everything, she is loving and kind soul when it's all said and done. Very confusing how to proceed with the contact/interaction---
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I feel like someone that is hurting as much as she is would be extra impacted by getting ignored and it could make matters worse for them.
and what makes you think she is "hurting"?
she was a heavy/problem drinker when you met.
she continued to be a heavy/problem drinker during your time together.
she continues to be a heavy/problem drinker afterwards.
her time with you ran it's course cuz you wouldn't play along. you saw the drinking for what it was - a problem - and you didn't just ignore it. things never go well when we try to get between an alcoholic and their booze.
as for contact - you are simply enabling her to be mean and nasty at someone by letting those texts come thru and then also replying. please remember, you are not the only phone number on her phone and thus quite likely the only person she is drunk texting and spewing her venom.
she is also already seeing other people. auditioning for the next participant in her chosen lifestyle. next victim/volunteer.
let go of the desire to fix her. work on letting her go. as time goes by you will likely see that the relationship was far from ideal, and far less than what you deserve. and that she might not be all that after all. nothing was ever going to be "good enough" for her.
and what makes you think she is "hurting"?
she was a heavy/problem drinker when you met.
she continued to be a heavy/problem drinker during your time together.
she continues to be a heavy/problem drinker afterwards.
her time with you ran it's course cuz you wouldn't play along. you saw the drinking for what it was - a problem - and you didn't just ignore it. things never go well when we try to get between an alcoholic and their booze.
as for contact - you are simply enabling her to be mean and nasty at someone by letting those texts come thru and then also replying. please remember, you are not the only phone number on her phone and thus quite likely the only person she is drunk texting and spewing her venom.
she is also already seeing other people. auditioning for the next participant in her chosen lifestyle. next victim/volunteer.
let go of the desire to fix her. work on letting her go. as time goes by you will likely see that the relationship was far from ideal, and far less than what you deserve. and that she might not be all that after all. nothing was ever going to be "good enough" for her.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Why does she get a pass on text abusing you?
Alcoholism is not an excuse for this behavior. Actually, the more people let her get away without consequences the more entrenched the addiction becomes.
If you had broken up with someone who wasn’t an alcoholic (because people break up, it happens), would you continue to let them rage at you?
Blocking her is the shortest path to getting on with the necessary reality of moving on with your life. Note...not easiest. Hardly easy. Brutally hard. But if you stay in contact she will file you under Plan B and come back around the next time she needs a place to land.
And you’ll get to do this all over again.
You seem like a good guy. I hope you can move forward to a better life for yourself.
Alcoholism is not an excuse for this behavior. Actually, the more people let her get away without consequences the more entrenched the addiction becomes.
If you had broken up with someone who wasn’t an alcoholic (because people break up, it happens), would you continue to let them rage at you?
Blocking her is the shortest path to getting on with the necessary reality of moving on with your life. Note...not easiest. Hardly easy. Brutally hard. But if you stay in contact she will file you under Plan B and come back around the next time she needs a place to land.
And you’ll get to do this all over again.
You seem like a good guy. I hope you can move forward to a better life for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I feel like someone that is hurting as much as she is would be extra impacted by getting ignored and it could make matters worse for them.
and what makes you think she is "hurting"?
she was a heavy/problem drinker when you met.
she continued to be a heavy/problem drinker during your time together.
she continues to be a heavy/problem drinker afterwards.
her time with you ran it's course cuz you wouldn't play along. you saw the drinking for what it was - a problem - and you didn't just ignore it. things never go well when we try to get between an alcoholic and their booze.
as for contact - you are simply enabling her to be mean and nasty at someone by letting those texts come thru and then also replying. please remember, you are not the only phone number on her phone and thus quite likely the only person she is drunk texting and spewing her venom.
she is also already seeing other people. auditioning for the next participant in her chosen lifestyle. next victim/volunteer.
let go of the desire to fix her. work on letting her go. as time goes by you will likely see that the relationship was far from ideal, and far less than what you deserve. and that she might not be all that after all. nothing was ever going to be "good enough" for her.
and what makes you think she is "hurting"?
she was a heavy/problem drinker when you met.
she continued to be a heavy/problem drinker during your time together.
she continues to be a heavy/problem drinker afterwards.
her time with you ran it's course cuz you wouldn't play along. you saw the drinking for what it was - a problem - and you didn't just ignore it. things never go well when we try to get between an alcoholic and their booze.
as for contact - you are simply enabling her to be mean and nasty at someone by letting those texts come thru and then also replying. please remember, you are not the only phone number on her phone and thus quite likely the only person she is drunk texting and spewing her venom.
she is also already seeing other people. auditioning for the next participant in her chosen lifestyle. next victim/volunteer.
let go of the desire to fix her. work on letting her go. as time goes by you will likely see that the relationship was far from ideal, and far less than what you deserve. and that she might not be all that after all. nothing was ever going to be "good enough" for her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
she has admitted to being very depressed, hopeless for future etc. I think being single at 33 and all the pressure of having a family etc makes her feel really bad.
and has she done anything to improve her situation, such as it is? or is that maybe just a topic used to garner sympathy? oh poor me. pour me another drink?
and i'm sorry, checking the calendar year, yup 2019. what PRESSURE to have a family??? sounds like she's a bit too busy whooping it up to be truly worried about her age and circumstance?? she did try to trick you into marrying her..........which i am so very glad you got out of.
if you were the magic answer to her problems, she'd be a walking talking glowing example of recovery in action. but no one can GIFT that upon another person, no matter how hard they might try. she is choosing a different approach to life. a selfish, self absorbed path.
she can get sober any time, any where. recovery isn't a secret.
and has she done anything to improve her situation, such as it is? or is that maybe just a topic used to garner sympathy? oh poor me. pour me another drink?
and i'm sorry, checking the calendar year, yup 2019. what PRESSURE to have a family??? sounds like she's a bit too busy whooping it up to be truly worried about her age and circumstance?? she did try to trick you into marrying her..........which i am so very glad you got out of.
if you were the magic answer to her problems, she'd be a walking talking glowing example of recovery in action. but no one can GIFT that upon another person, no matter how hard they might try. she is choosing a different approach to life. a selfish, self absorbed path.
she can get sober any time, any where. recovery isn't a secret.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
California, everyone hurts & feels pain. Alcoholics just emphasize that their pain is so much grander than anyone else’s... thus, giving them yet another reason... yes, to drink. Sure, their life could very well suck or come from a very troubled past — but they can get help. All that misery needs professional help, not you. No amount of love can cure someone’s pain. It’s such a toxic cycle. Unfortunately the ship they’re on... includes you at the moment & it will sink! But they won’t throw you a life jacket... instead they’ll just float away saying you’re such a horrible person while cradling their bottle of booze.
No contact, just like all boundaries isn’t about them. It’s about saving yourself. Block her. Cry... grieve... get angry... sleep... in time, the pain does subside.
I didn’t believe it — but I just kept doing one positive thing for myself every day. It was so hard. Beyond. But then my mind naturally started to replace thoughts/obsessions of my ex/her addiction with other things... things I loved and needed. Then the fog started to lift and a new clarity emerged.
Hang in there. Putting up with toxic, abusive behavior will only bring you down!
No contact, just like all boundaries isn’t about them. It’s about saving yourself. Block her. Cry... grieve... get angry... sleep... in time, the pain does subside.
I didn’t believe it — but I just kept doing one positive thing for myself every day. It was so hard. Beyond. But then my mind naturally started to replace thoughts/obsessions of my ex/her addiction with other things... things I loved and needed. Then the fog started to lift and a new clarity emerged.
Hang in there. Putting up with toxic, abusive behavior will only bring you down!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hi California, just a quick post to let you know, in case you haven't had time to look around yet that you can read someone's history of posts or threads by clicking on their name in the thread and choosing either of those from the drop down menu.
Just thinking you might want to read LifeChangeNYC's recent threads and posts.
Just thinking you might want to read LifeChangeNYC's recent threads and posts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by California123
It's hard to not support someone you care about.
the support i got when i was a active alcoholic was enabling me to continue the same behavior of a practicing alcoholic because the people around me didnt know how to support me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
another excellent post on this topic is from HardLessons - over on the F&FSA forum but still very relevant.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-help.html (New Here - Train Wreck - Please Help)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-help.html (New Here - Train Wreck - Please Help)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
Hello California from another new member!
I am smack dab in the middle of learning that when you engage with your alcoholic loved one (responding to the nasty texts, trying to argue with them, trying to rationally discuss their alcohol use, etc), they will ALWAYS twist your words to fit their narrative of the situation and enable them to continue drinking. Always. So when we think we are supporting them, we’re actually just helping them dig deeper and deeper into their addiction.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this, and so glad that you found SR. I’ve been reading these forums for about three weeks now and just recently started posting myself, and the amount of support and understanding has been a salve to my spirit. I hope that you can find that comfort here, too.
I am smack dab in the middle of learning that when you engage with your alcoholic loved one (responding to the nasty texts, trying to argue with them, trying to rationally discuss their alcohol use, etc), they will ALWAYS twist your words to fit their narrative of the situation and enable them to continue drinking. Always. So when we think we are supporting them, we’re actually just helping them dig deeper and deeper into their addiction.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this, and so glad that you found SR. I’ve been reading these forums for about three weeks now and just recently started posting myself, and the amount of support and understanding has been a salve to my spirit. I hope that you can find that comfort here, too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Hi California,
Really sorry for what you are going through--I know how devastating it is. I would agree with the other posters, no contact is really the best way to go. Even though you think your ex is a wonderful person, and she may be, you probably know that there is no way you can have a life with her and it's not looking very promising that she's going to get help. I didn't stick to my guns with no contact and it kept me stuck, took a further toll on my mental and physical health, and, surprise, nothing changed with my ex. I would suggest you don't put yourself through that. It will be extremely painful, probably excruciating, to cut off contact, but it's better to face it now than waste another year of your life just to get further confirmation that the relationship isn't going to work/nothing has changed. Therapy/counseling has also been very helpful for me. You may want to continue that for a while as, emotionally, you will likely be all over the place for a while. Wishing you the best.
Really sorry for what you are going through--I know how devastating it is. I would agree with the other posters, no contact is really the best way to go. Even though you think your ex is a wonderful person, and she may be, you probably know that there is no way you can have a life with her and it's not looking very promising that she's going to get help. I didn't stick to my guns with no contact and it kept me stuck, took a further toll on my mental and physical health, and, surprise, nothing changed with my ex. I would suggest you don't put yourself through that. It will be extremely painful, probably excruciating, to cut off contact, but it's better to face it now than waste another year of your life just to get further confirmation that the relationship isn't going to work/nothing has changed. Therapy/counseling has also been very helpful for me. You may want to continue that for a while as, emotionally, you will likely be all over the place for a while. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
California, if she's already out and dating, then why is she texting you? And it's just nasty stuff? Who needs that? I suggest you block her phone number. I have Verizon and its free to block someone...it lasts 3 months and then you can renew it for free. That frees her up to go on with her drinking and dating and that frees you up to heal without having to deal with her alcoholic bs. It's normal to still care, but she'll use your phone to just stay in your head enough to prevent you from moving on like you should. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Hi California
Glad you found us because I wish I had found this a long time ago. Sorry for what you are going through right now. I am sure you are hurting, after all you spent 2 years of your life with her. But if you are really honest with yourself what was so great about her and the relationship because from what you are describing here alcohol has been a point of contention and she had been out of control since you met her.
First of all, she would never be able to be a “normal drinker”. Just not possible with alcoholics. Once they start again it is only a matter of time before they spin out of control. And even if they had stopped for a prolonged period of time, once they start it is like they had never stopped. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. For some it progresses quicker than others.
I agree with others that she did you a huge favor, you may not see it yet but take it from us who have lived it that she did. Alcoholics will come up with any reason to drink, such as the “pressure to get married and have kids”. She manipulated you into getting engaged by promising that she would cut back. Great reason to get engaged and she of course didn’t keep her word. Alcoholics say and promise a lot, they just never take action. She won’t quit unless she wants to.
My ex was an alcoholic when I met him, he was great at hiding how much he drank. Plus he is a professional with a very good paying job (MD) and so I figured he knew better. I had asked him a couple of times about his drinking but of course he minimized it and he has a stressful job, was going through a nasty divorce so give the man a break right? Now I know better, and it is all so obvious in hindsight. But while your are living it it is all chaos and hard to make sense of it. My ex quit several times because I asked him to. It would last 2-3 months and then he would start drinking in moderation which of course didn’t last. Longest time he quit was 13 months but he didn’t seek any he’ll so it really wasn’t any better because now he was depressed and stressed an no longer had his coping mechanism.
We did have a kid and I obvisouly love her to pieces and don’t regret having her but it probably wasn’t the best decision in hindsight. But I figured things would get better once we had a kid. They didn’t. Also I was the one pregnant and so no alcohol during the pregnancy was not a problem. However in your case what if she was to get pregnant? Chances are she wouldn’t be able to stop and that can do a lot of bad damage to a baby (fetal alcohol syndrome). My ex has a very busy job and I worked very part time after I had my kiddo so basically a stay at home mom. I did everything for everyone (we also raised his nieces who have 2 addicted parents )and basically raised my kid by myself, partially because he does work long hours but also because when he was home he was not hat involved. He loves his kid don’t get me wrong but he wasn’t very present. And I honestly didn’t encourage it much when drinking got bad because I couldn’t trust him.
I hit my rock bottom after 16 years with him after his drinking once again completely spun out of control. Once he started drinking again I subconsciously knew I had to just let it go until he or I hit rock bottom. Because otherwise he would’ve stopped again without treatment, be clean for a couple of months, restart, rinse and repeat. Unfortunately once I hit rock bottom it was too late. He did end up going to rehab but the only reason my ultimatum worked it becsause he himself had gotten to the point that he felt he could no longer go on like that. He just needed a kick in the butt to actually do it (my ultimatum). This was after 40 years of drinking, he started as a teenage. He is clean 2.5 years later but the ast couple of years before rehab really destroyed my relationship and I couldn’t come back from it. 2 years after he got clean we got divorced. At least I can trust him with our kid now. Huge reason why I was afraid to leave earlier, while he was drinking.
Also, he was married before and in our marriage session he admitted that he got divorced because his ex was started to interfere with his drinking. Their relationship wasn’t good when I met him and we hit it off and that is when he asked for a divorce. Both his parents are alcholics but we’re only die king once in a blue moon when I met him and I didn’t know until after rehab that they were both alcoholics. . His sister is a druggie (that I knew)
He is a professional with a god paying job, very charming and kind and not a bad person at all. He was functional at work, just not functional at home as far as in the relationship with me or the kids. The didn’t get that then but now it is so obvious. He was a mellow drunk so also harder see that it is a problem.i was so clueless but I have learned so much since this all blew up. And I feel so dumb for not having understood all of this sooner.
I would highly recommend reading codependence no more and watch Pleasure Unwoven if you can find it. It is a documentary on alcoholism and it explains it very well, including why it is a progressive disease and they can’t ever drink moderately.
Get counseling for yourself so you don’t fall back into a similar relationship in the future, because most of us tend to be drawn to people like that and until we fix ourselves that is likely to continue.
There is lots of info here and when you read peoples stories you will realize they are basically all the same adn often without a positive outcome. I will say that my ex got clean but even though he is a good person overall and caring he has really changed as have I (i had to change my codependent ways as well) . Gettin sober is so much more than removing the alcohol. People have to change or they won’t stay clean.
I recently told my friend (who was not with an alcoholic but had all the behaviors of one) that she was in love with his potential if he would just change his ways, get his depression and anger issues taken care of. Because sometimes he was really caring and that is what she hung on to, and she tried to minimize all the time s he treated her badly.
Block your ex, you have no kids together there is no reason to have contact with her. She will continue to harass you to make you feel bad and make her feel better by putting the blame on you. My ex was depressed and hated his job. He got clean and his job didn’t change but he learned coping skills to deal with the stress. Alcohol is a depressant so no surprise your ex was depressed. Addicts self medicate and unless whatever the reason for their self medication gets addressed and treated she will not get clean.
Like someone else said, grieve, be mad, sad, cry and feel all the emotions. That’s healthyand it will help you move on as hard as it might be to see that now. I think once the dust settles and you go no contact you will realize how much chaos you were living in and you will probably feel so much better.
Glad you found us because I wish I had found this a long time ago. Sorry for what you are going through right now. I am sure you are hurting, after all you spent 2 years of your life with her. But if you are really honest with yourself what was so great about her and the relationship because from what you are describing here alcohol has been a point of contention and she had been out of control since you met her.
First of all, she would never be able to be a “normal drinker”. Just not possible with alcoholics. Once they start again it is only a matter of time before they spin out of control. And even if they had stopped for a prolonged period of time, once they start it is like they had never stopped. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. For some it progresses quicker than others.
I agree with others that she did you a huge favor, you may not see it yet but take it from us who have lived it that she did. Alcoholics will come up with any reason to drink, such as the “pressure to get married and have kids”. She manipulated you into getting engaged by promising that she would cut back. Great reason to get engaged and she of course didn’t keep her word. Alcoholics say and promise a lot, they just never take action. She won’t quit unless she wants to.
My ex was an alcoholic when I met him, he was great at hiding how much he drank. Plus he is a professional with a very good paying job (MD) and so I figured he knew better. I had asked him a couple of times about his drinking but of course he minimized it and he has a stressful job, was going through a nasty divorce so give the man a break right? Now I know better, and it is all so obvious in hindsight. But while your are living it it is all chaos and hard to make sense of it. My ex quit several times because I asked him to. It would last 2-3 months and then he would start drinking in moderation which of course didn’t last. Longest time he quit was 13 months but he didn’t seek any he’ll so it really wasn’t any better because now he was depressed and stressed an no longer had his coping mechanism.
We did have a kid and I obvisouly love her to pieces and don’t regret having her but it probably wasn’t the best decision in hindsight. But I figured things would get better once we had a kid. They didn’t. Also I was the one pregnant and so no alcohol during the pregnancy was not a problem. However in your case what if she was to get pregnant? Chances are she wouldn’t be able to stop and that can do a lot of bad damage to a baby (fetal alcohol syndrome). My ex has a very busy job and I worked very part time after I had my kiddo so basically a stay at home mom. I did everything for everyone (we also raised his nieces who have 2 addicted parents )and basically raised my kid by myself, partially because he does work long hours but also because when he was home he was not hat involved. He loves his kid don’t get me wrong but he wasn’t very present. And I honestly didn’t encourage it much when drinking got bad because I couldn’t trust him.
I hit my rock bottom after 16 years with him after his drinking once again completely spun out of control. Once he started drinking again I subconsciously knew I had to just let it go until he or I hit rock bottom. Because otherwise he would’ve stopped again without treatment, be clean for a couple of months, restart, rinse and repeat. Unfortunately once I hit rock bottom it was too late. He did end up going to rehab but the only reason my ultimatum worked it becsause he himself had gotten to the point that he felt he could no longer go on like that. He just needed a kick in the butt to actually do it (my ultimatum). This was after 40 years of drinking, he started as a teenage. He is clean 2.5 years later but the ast couple of years before rehab really destroyed my relationship and I couldn’t come back from it. 2 years after he got clean we got divorced. At least I can trust him with our kid now. Huge reason why I was afraid to leave earlier, while he was drinking.
Also, he was married before and in our marriage session he admitted that he got divorced because his ex was started to interfere with his drinking. Their relationship wasn’t good when I met him and we hit it off and that is when he asked for a divorce. Both his parents are alcholics but we’re only die king once in a blue moon when I met him and I didn’t know until after rehab that they were both alcoholics. . His sister is a druggie (that I knew)
He is a professional with a god paying job, very charming and kind and not a bad person at all. He was functional at work, just not functional at home as far as in the relationship with me or the kids. The didn’t get that then but now it is so obvious. He was a mellow drunk so also harder see that it is a problem.i was so clueless but I have learned so much since this all blew up. And I feel so dumb for not having understood all of this sooner.
I would highly recommend reading codependence no more and watch Pleasure Unwoven if you can find it. It is a documentary on alcoholism and it explains it very well, including why it is a progressive disease and they can’t ever drink moderately.
Get counseling for yourself so you don’t fall back into a similar relationship in the future, because most of us tend to be drawn to people like that and until we fix ourselves that is likely to continue.
There is lots of info here and when you read peoples stories you will realize they are basically all the same adn often without a positive outcome. I will say that my ex got clean but even though he is a good person overall and caring he has really changed as have I (i had to change my codependent ways as well) . Gettin sober is so much more than removing the alcohol. People have to change or they won’t stay clean.
I recently told my friend (who was not with an alcoholic but had all the behaviors of one) that she was in love with his potential if he would just change his ways, get his depression and anger issues taken care of. Because sometimes he was really caring and that is what she hung on to, and she tried to minimize all the time s he treated her badly.
Block your ex, you have no kids together there is no reason to have contact with her. She will continue to harass you to make you feel bad and make her feel better by putting the blame on you. My ex was depressed and hated his job. He got clean and his job didn’t change but he learned coping skills to deal with the stress. Alcohol is a depressant so no surprise your ex was depressed. Addicts self medicate and unless whatever the reason for their self medication gets addressed and treated she will not get clean.
Like someone else said, grieve, be mad, sad, cry and feel all the emotions. That’s healthyand it will help you move on as hard as it might be to see that now. I think once the dust settles and you go no contact you will realize how much chaos you were living in and you will probably feel so much better.
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