lessgravity

These days I find myself, more often than I have perhaps since I got sober 14+ months ago, thinking back on my drinking. Not sure if it's the seasons or my age or what but I find myself at times suddenly confronted with memories of very specific, often shame-ridden, ugly episodes from the last years of my drunken life. A horrible Saturday with my son as I sipped from vodka in water bottle and almost got into a fist-fight with a delivery man. Forgetting to take empties from the spare tire compartment of my parent's car we borrowed for a weekend, wracked with fear they would be found, taking half a day off of work to sneak into the car and get them even though they live an hour away from me. A morning of violent vomiting in the bathroom of a conference center I was at to make a big work presentation. There are so many and they have so much more meat on their bones than bears going into here.

I am not sure why my subconscious is sending me these thoughts and memories now. But as I thought about it tonight I have come to believe that there is a part of me that is finally over the self-destruction, self-immolation and brutal shame that both accompanied these drunken days and was borne by them. I think I'm in the clear now in terms of being able to look back at the regrets I have, confront them and, in doing so, let them die. I will never, ever return to the man who sacrificed so much to his addiction. I will never be that person, filled with the toxic combination of self-hate and utter selfishness. I'm sober and sure in my sobriety.

These thoughts also feel like part of the grieving process. Whatever self it was who lived that way, drinking drinking drinking, is gone - but it was still me then, and I've lost him, I've forgiven him, I feel sadness for the pain he caused himself and he caused to so many others. But I'm not consumed by that sadness or regret anymore. I'm living a life that I can be proud of, finally finally finally.

Stay strong everyone - regardless of the place we find ourselves, we can always make the decisions, small or large, to save ourselves.

LiveLikeGold6

I love your tagline. And I loved your post. An important reminder that it's okay to go there, we don't have to live there

Congrats on your sober time!

needshelp111

Congrats on the 14 months. That is amazing.

least

I love your post. I feel the same way. Ashamed of my old self, but determined to never repeat that bad behavior.

kiki26

butcher70

Great post bud. And great job on your sober time!

August252015

Thanks lg.

I am not sure if they have been cropping up more than usual, but I have had a few pops of memory in the past few days....I remember falling apart about a week after I did my step 4 inventory in AA - and my sponsor told me something that still resonates. Acknowledge these memories of "awfulness" ... then put them in a little box compartment in my head. They're "there" but they don't have power or dominance any more. I did many bad things, if you will, so who knows what might come up when, but I have a way to handle it and not let shame grip me (again).

Thanks for sharing.

Accord1

I too have some of those horrific memories pop up often. Sometimes I wish they'd go away for good but part of me thinks it's not so bad to keep some of that stuff in the back of my head to avoid repeating it. I know I'm a good person and those last few years just weren't me. Thanks for the post.

bexxed

Thanks for this. I relate on every point you made. What a true post.

Look at what you’ve done. You made a decision, dared to struggle, dared to win. It’s inspiring.

Congrats, lg.

SoberRican

First off congrats on sober time. I use the phrase the stinky thinkin era. It gets me to think like wow I really was a bonehead. But I have 54 days sober under my belt I will not drink with you today

Ladysadie

Less - Your post resonates with me. I still cringe at some of my nightmarish and shameful memories of past drunken experiences. They serve to keep me going forward in my sobriety.

For me it truly is one.day.at.a.time.
Thank you for sharing.

thomas11

I can completely relate. I did the same thing not too long ago. It dawned on me just how abnormal and unhealthy my habits were. I personally think its good to reflect once in a while as a reminder.

Toughroad1209

ImNotThatGuy

Thanks for the super potent and inspiring stuff, lessgravity, and congrats on 14 months. As someone still in the early stages, I'm still wrestling with that drinking self and the pain he inflicted. Posts like yours give me hope that I can leave him in the dust once and for all one day.

Free2bme888

Wow, another GREAT post as my AV is romanticizing my drinking days lately .

Let’s see, there is the rotating the stores where I bought my booze, there is the time when I noticed a big scrape and bruise on my hand at work and wondered how it got there and then shamefully remembered that I fell down the stairs the night before —drunk as all get out .

How about the time I drunk Facebooked to my brothers girlfriend and she has blocked me and never spoken to me since?

Or maybe there was that time that I thought I would light a bonfire in the backyard, as I was doing my yardwork and always having a glass or five of wine at the time and poured gasoline on it and lit it. Came in with my hair singed and my eyebrows gone. Kids and then husband asking me if I was OK and how much I was drinking.

Being able to down 10 seven and sevens after two bottles of wine in one night and thinking it was normal and fun.

Thinking about when my next drink was before my first drink, and wondering when I’d stop for that session.

Yeah, lots of fun I’m missing out on.


Thanks for reminder LG

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Callas

Well written post. Thank you. I wonder about all the shameful behaviour I can not remember. Not sure if blackouts are a curse or a blessing. The point is whatever happened is in the past and can not be undone. It can not prevent us from now being the best we can be.

Fearlessat50

Thank you for your post, less!
I am also occasionally reminded of past shameful behavior when drinking. Im not sure these memories will ever go away, but it’s ok with me. Just like drinking dreams, which is rare but still happens, these memories are a reminder of the person I used to be, how awful alcohol was, how much I’ve worked on myself to recover and continually evolve to be the best version of myself.

I went for a long run today out on a country road I haven’t been to in a while. I saw several littered liquor bottles and empty beer cans. It made me a bit sad because I used to drive that road in my drinking days and would occasionally toss out bottles because the recycling bin was full and I didn’t want my husband to see how much I had been drinking. I sometimes had my water bottle filled with Chardonnay on these drives. One time, I even had one of my son’s sippy cups filled with wine. Don’t ask me why I did that. There’s no rational thought when a person is heavily drinking. But like the book says, “sippy cups aren’t for Chardonnay.” I can’t even imagine ever doing those things again. Such disregard for the environment, such recklessness driving while drinking, such self hatred. I don’t hate myself like I used to though. I have forgiven myself and have more compassion for myself and others (regardless of what they’ve done).

A young woman in my town was recently drunk driving, hit and killed a pedestrian. Last I heard, she was still on suicide watch. Prior to the incident, she had been struggling with a recent loss. But it really doesn’t matter why. I have compassion for not just the victim’s family but her and her family as well. Omg, that could have been me.

Outonthetiles

After about a year and half of sobriety I went through a phase of intense guilt as memories of my horrible behavior emerged. It was so bad I spent a lot of time posting about it, and also sought professional help. I am still shocked at amount of pain I inflicted and how much I hurt people around me, several people in particular. I destroyed relationships for no discernable reason, other than I was in pain and I wanted other people to suffer. I was very sick. I think I deferred a lot of emotions that came flooding back as my brain and psyche began to heal.