hearthealth

I was driving home from a fun time playing miniature golf with children. My DD states that's dad's car with a guy getting out wearing husband's attire entering a bar. It was him!

Deal breaker. I didn't do anything. Do I say anything? I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to get home from 'work'. Seems apparent it hasn't been the heat that has been getting to him lately . I wonder if he's been stopping off for some time now. I'm mad and perplexed.

AnvilheadII

when you say DEAL breaker, what does that look like in real life?

mad i get.
perplexed? he's just doing what alcoholics do....drink. chances are very good he never really stopped all the way, or had no intention of staying stopped.

hearthealth

I want a husband who is a partner. I want one who's priority is not drinking but being part of a family. We have two different priorities.

AnvilheadII

right, i get that part - so........NOW what are YOU going to do?
he has shown you over and over and over that he is not and will not even try to be the man you want him to be. he will not change for you. or anyone.
so now what?

mylifeismine

I'm sorry HH

But "caught"?
I think your caught.
He's just doing what he wants to with his life.

As you have every right to do what you want
with your life and seek out your happy place.

trailmix

I kind of thought you had already accepted that? I was under the impression that you were distancing yourself from his behaviour?

I know he quit drinking but there was "non-recovery drunk" behaviour that replaced that. Therefore the detaching and getting on with your own life?

Maybe I missed something, of course.

I'm going to guess he has been drinking for a while. What are the odds this is his first outing and you spotted him going in to the bar? I will be interested to hear what he has to say and remember not to JADE.

good luck HH.

hearthealth

I thought there was a glimmer of hope but that has been dashed today. I know I couldn't cause him to drink. I wish he truly wanted a relationship with me. It's apparent he doesn't. Non recovery drunk behavior or just him being him.

LovePeaceSushi

Hearthealth, all I can say is I'm sorry. I know what it's like to have high hopes and then you get disappointed. Vodka's been my husband's mistress for years. Vodka took precedence over school functions, church, anniversaries, family trips, etc. They all either got completely ruined by vodka OR he was drunk while there. (Even church - - that one would really set me off)

No advice, just a hug and empathy.

hearthealth

Quacker alert:
Me: How is ...bar?
H: pause...I stopped in because of the bacon.
Me: It took two hours?
H: I got an oil change first.
(That answered my question.)

Zevin

As LovePeaceSushi said, I'm so sorry. Hugs and empathy.

hopeful4

So sorry.

SmallButMighty

I am so sorry hearthealth. It sucks.

An alcoholic that's not in really recovery is going to drink, and they are going to lie about.

As much as I hated my AXH's drinking, it was the lying that I hated the most. In the end I couldn't stay married to someone whom I couldn't trust, and you can't ever trust a liar. It made my marriage feel like a lie. It took me 16 years from my realizing he was an alcoholic until I knew I had to leave for my own sanity. That was an awfully long time to live in a very dysfunctional relationship. It was horrible for my health.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this in your marriage too. Beaming some love, strength and support your way.


I referred to AXH's vodka as " his Russian Mistress" for the last few years of our marriage. It truly felt that way. Awful.

Gm0824

Hi HH, sending you strength to funnel that "mad" into action for a better life for yourself and kids. Before I started getting help for myself, if my dd saw ah going into a bar, knowing how miserable the home life is and after all the empty promises, I might not be able to take action for myself but I would be able to take action for her. I've seen the look of disappointment, fear and angst on my child's face before and that hit me way harder than any of the addicts words ever could. Hugs friend.

FWN

THIS!!!!!!!!!! This is such simple wisdom once you really wrap your head around it. Alcohol makes them LIE. It destroys trust in a marriage, and what in the world is a marriage if there is no trust.

mylifeismine

It really goes back to the basics - a healthy relationship
must have a foundation of trust, respect, & love.
Addiction ravages all of these.

Awal

Its an awful feeling when you find evidence that the wool has been pulled over your eyes.
You have to do what you feel is right for you, if you're not ready to get out...don't. l find it helpful to focus on myself, plan nice things to look forward to, and l leave the AH to get on with it. He will drink with or without my approval anyway. Time to focus on you. Sending hugs x