Just broke up with my girlfriend

Old 06-25-2019, 10:28 PM
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Just broke up with my girlfriend

Hi All,

I've posted on here intermittently over the past year. Tonight, I finally broke up with my alcoholic girlfriend. I am in pretty unimaginable pain. Friends think that it should be a relief given how bad our problems have been. I feel no relief. Just loss. She is an amazing person with a horrible problem. If she even recognized it as a problem, I would probably still be with her. She just expected me to submit and not even get upset by anything she does. It's an impossible standard to live by.

This morning, she told she was having trouble emotionally. I decided to cut my work day in half and bring my dog over to her place to spend the night. When I get there, she tells me that this friend of hers wants to meet up for drinks. It was this guy friend of hers that she had gone drinking with alone one time without me knowing who he was or where they were going. I only say this because this is something she would never let me do with another woman.

Anyway, I was instantly concerned and I expressed that. I didn't like that this guy (who has a long-distance girlfriend) keeps hitting up my girlfriend for drinks. I also didn't drop everything and pack my stuff so I could go get drinks with some dude that I don't know. Mind you, I also knew given how rough a patch she's been having lately, that she was going to get extremely drunk. I could tell she was just itching to drink even if it was almost certain to turn out badly.

It was around 5 pm and she already started mentioning that I could drive us back if she drinks too much. I instantly called out that we were heading for a problem if she had already decided she was getting drunk. It wasn't even an option in her mind to only have a couple of drinks.

Sure enough, she gets really drunk on vodka/sodas. The lady next to me was even concerned and asked me if she was alright. As she gets more drunk, she starts being very grabby and hugging this other dude. It was in a friendly way but still definitely uncomfortable and disrespectful towards me. She had her hand on his thigh and he put his hand on her thigh a couple of times. In my head, I am just thinking how badly she would lose her @#$ if I ever brought a girl out and acted like that. She loses her temper when friends text me to catch up.

At the same time, she starts being very grabby and embarrassing with me. She was grabbing my hair, trying to get me to make out with her at the bar... She could barely sit in her seat straight so it was just uncomfortable.

We get back to her place and I let her know that I can't stay and am going home. I just simply stated that she would never be ok with me behaving the way she did. Then she got up and told me that this wasn't going to work any more. Simple as that. I walked out.

I just absolutely hate everything about this. I'm just so angry that a strong connection with someone can be broken over wanting to get **** drunk with a random friend at a bar. It's heartbreaking.
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Old 06-25-2019, 10:56 PM
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Hi JJ, sorry you are having such a rough night - that hurts!

I know you aren't "relieved", certainly not now. Keep in mind that you won't always feel this way though. I don't mean the relationship was not important to you - not at all, I just mean that while immediately it's so painful, you will start to slowly feel better.

In the meantime, remember to take good care of yourself. Try to sleep when you can, eat well. While you might not feel like it, even try to get outside, take even a 10 minute walk.

Another thing that might help is reading your old threads here. Also writing a list of all the reasons why this relationship was not good. Seeing it right there in front of you can help. List all the boundaries of yours it crossed, mean things she said and did to you.

Keep this list with you all the time and every time you start to focus on the "good times" (and you will) pull that list out as a reminder of why it ended.
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Old 06-26-2019, 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
If she even recognized it as a problem, I would probably still be with her. She just expected me to submit and not even get upset by anything she does. It's an impossible standard to live by.
This is what stands out to me, JJ. I'm so sorry you're in pain. All of us are here because we love someone who has a problem. Most active alcoholics and addicts aren't evil incarnate, they are just people who use alcohol and/or drugs in order to not feel, relieve stress, mask insecurity, etc. Some get to a point that they 'have' to drink alcohol to function on even a basic level.

We can only decide how much we can tolerate. Personally, I can't tolerate being disrespected. I can't tolerate having a front-row seat on someone else's self-destruction--that is what is too painful for me. That is usually when those of us on this side back away--when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.

Hang in there, jj! Brighter days are ahead!
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Old 06-26-2019, 05:19 AM
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I'm so sorry for your situation. It is difficult to see someone we love destroy him- or herself.

People often think when a relationship breaks up, the people no longer love one another. I had planned to leave my husband a couple times, and I never stopped loving him.
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Old 06-26-2019, 05:35 AM
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Dear JJ
So much occurs to me just now, especially that you are young and have a whole life to live ahead of you. You would be better off for the rest of your life without this girl.

You have no kids together, which is a blessing. Read others' posts here about their life after a relationship with an alky trying to arrange parental visits.

Lastly, the hands on thighs reminds me of what a teacher told us in high school. He said that if people made out in public, even kissing, they were probably doing more than that in private. Do you really want to be with someone who will be unfaithful to you?

I am glad you reached out for support. We are here for you.
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Old 06-26-2019, 05:59 AM
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to me it sounds like she has a huge ego working overtime. as long as you gave her your full attention, she'd "grace" you with hers - until that wasn't enough. nothing was ever enough to fill the all consuming greed of the ego.

you got sucked into the times when she would mirror back attention - when she'd be "charming" and lively. she'd say whatever seemed to keep you hooked and continually feeding her ego.

but here's the thing - compassion isn't a sometimes thing. people who are truly compassionate and empathetic towards others are that way consistently, not when it suits them. she could only pretend to be those things.

i am glad to hear you finally hit your bottom on her unacceptable behaviors. i know it hurts.
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Old 06-26-2019, 06:20 AM
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I am sorry you are hurting. That sounds like the term "sloppy drunk."

Besides that, just the fact that she is doing this with another man is unacceptable, you are so right about that. Good for you to respect yourself more than that.

Big hugs. Go no contact, that is the best way to progress forward and heal.
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Old 06-26-2019, 06:33 AM
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You’re a good person. The right one for you will appreciate that.

Probably I don’t have to tell you that she’ll be back, or try to be. Boundaries go out the window in that world. So be ready, yes? Know what you truly want.

Wishing you all good things.
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Old 06-26-2019, 07:53 AM
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[QUOTE=Eauchiche;7214879]

Lastly, the hands on thighs reminds me of what a teacher told us in high school. He said that if people made out in public, even kissing, they were probably doing more than that in private.
/QUOTE]

That jumped out at me, too....if she's that comfortable with you right there, how handsy is she on these one-on-one drinking excursions with her drinking buddy?

You are serving yourself well to break it off with her. As another poster said, you are young, not married, no children... This is as non-messy as it can get, as far as break-ups go. She may try to suck you back in, but I would stay away.
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Old 06-26-2019, 10:29 AM
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I agree go no contact. Block her from contacting you, shut down the drama blame game and get some peace.

If you start to think that blocking her is mean or uncaring because MAYBE just MAYBE your absence in her life will have any kind of positive impact on her, remember that your presents in her life didn’t.

Ending are hard and I am sorry it didn’t work out how you wished it would have.
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Old 06-26-2019, 11:42 AM
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Several of you point out what made this so difficult for me to continue. I knew watching her with that guy, that she must always be like that when out drinking and I'm not there. She considers it not cheating because she's not having sex or making out with anyone. I personally consider being that affectionate with other people completely inappropriate.

She thinks that bothers me because of some kind of pride and ego thing. Or I'm not as affectionate as she would like so I shouldn't care if she touches other people. They will use any kind of justification to normalize hurtful behavior. That is just simply not a way you ever act around someone you're committed to and care about. No matter how bad things got with her, I never put her in uncomfortable situations like that. I always respected her.

She did call me last night. I was asleep and answered. She blamed absolutely everything on me. She refused to consider that her drinking had anything to do with the deterioration of our relationship. She just kept saying that I had this impossible standard and that anything short of it was unacceptable to me. I don't consider not wanting my girlfriend to get sloppy drunk and handsy with other people, "an impossible standard."

It's horribly difficult to not try to jump back in with her. There are so many things I appreciate about her. But I have to keep reminding myself that these incidents will never stop. And no matter how bad she ever gets, it will somehow be my fault. She will get drunk and curse me off then actually get mad at me for letting her know that it hurts me. That sounds like the more impossible standard to live up to.
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Old 06-26-2019, 11:53 AM
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You're right, it is impossible.

You have mentioned a few times that she has great qualities that you like about her. What are those?
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Old 06-26-2019, 12:05 PM
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- She has an amazing sense of humor. We can sit around and talk or joke for hours.
- I can tell she loves me a great deal. I think that's never something to take for granted.
- She is always there to help me if I'm in trouble.
- She is extremely talented and beautiful.
- We have very similar tastes in music, food, style etc.
- She loves to be around me.
- She tries to support my pursuits. I say "try" because, she verbally encourages me but definitely had trouble giving me the space I needed to achieve my goals. She would get really depressed or uneasy whenever spending time apart.
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Old 06-26-2019, 12:42 PM
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Look, the reality is she is an addict who has not even reached the first step of admitting she has a problem, and that may never happen. It will only continue to get worse.

She man handles other men and cannot see why you have an issue with it.

She has zero respect for you or she would not do the things she does. It's actions, not words, don't forget that.

I say this kindly because I know it's painful.
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Old 06-26-2019, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
- She has an amazing sense of humor. We can sit around and talk or joke for hours.
- I can tell she loves me a great deal. I think that's never something to take for granted.
- She is always there to help me if I'm in trouble.
- She is extremely talented and beautiful.
- We have very similar tastes in music, food, style etc.
- She loves to be around me.
- She tries to support my pursuits. I say "try" because, she verbally encourages me but definitely had trouble giving me the space I needed to achieve my goals. She would get really depressed or uneasy whenever spending time apart.
The reason I asked is because people often say this. For alcoholics/addicts in general. There is a "good" side and a "bad" side.

Now, you could add - after each of those statements "when she's not drinking" probably? Or to most. The fact is she is drinking and has no intention to stop. She doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do.

Could be the alcohol, could be the way she "is", no way to tell but regardless, is this the partner you want in your life? People who love you do not intentionally hurt you and then blame you.

She loves to be around you but you feel she is taking over your life (you mentioned this in your other thread). That's all about her and not that much to do with you. Not saying you aren't a great guy! But the fact that she must know what you are doing 24/7 and expects you to drop everything at a moments notice to run to her side is about dependence, not love.

I'm not trying to berate her by the way, although I'm sure it sounds like it. I just think that in a relationship with an addict ALL things are affected, it's just that the other things are so horrible that this stuff looks good in comparison?
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Old 06-26-2019, 01:48 PM
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- She has an amazing sense of humor. We can sit around and talk or joke for hours.
- I can tell she loves me a great deal. I think that's never something to take for granted.
- She is always there to help me if I'm in trouble.
- She is extremely talented and beautiful.
- We have very similar tastes in music, food, style etc.
- She loves to be around me.
- She tries to support my pursuits. I say "try" because, she verbally encourages me but definitely had trouble giving me the space I needed to achieve my goals. She would get really depressed or uneasy whenever spending time apart.


are we talking about the same woman who:
-She blamed absolutely everything on me. She refused to consider that her drinking had anything to do with the deterioration of our relationship.
-she gets really drunk on vodka/sodas. The lady next to me was even concerned and asked me if she was alright. As she gets more drunk, she starts being very grabby and hugging this other dude.
-She loses her temper when friends text me to catch up.
-She had her hand on his thigh and he put his hand on her thigh a couple of times.
-She just expected me to submit and not even get upset by anything she does.
-Then she got up and told me that this wasn't going to work any more.
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Old 06-26-2019, 02:33 PM
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Friend...

She is showing you no respect and your dignity is at risk. Going no/low contact and give yourself space will be a good option to re-evaluate your situation and force yourself to be good to you!!! Or you can play the crazy making game. I put up with that stuff and it became my normal....10 years later I found the strength to let go and focus on me. Take care
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Old 06-26-2019, 04:44 PM
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jjwinters; been right where you are.

Trailmix really pointed out a very important point;
”...the fact that she must know what you are doing 24/7 and expects you to drop everything at a moments notice to run to her side is about dependence, not love.”

We all have been there, in one form or another. I was completely consumed by my ex girlfriend. She expected 24/7 care. It started to eat me alive. I thought, worried, obsessed about HER & her addiction 99% of the day. She flirted with other men... etc etc.

That’s no way to live. There’s hope once you step outside of the chaos!
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Old 06-26-2019, 08:52 PM
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If my Axgf acted that way towards a guy in front of me (drunk or sober) I'd be 99.9% sure her behaviors/actions are worse when I'm not around. Block her from all forms of contact,grieve and work on moving forward without that person, is my advice.
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Old 06-26-2019, 09:15 PM
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jjwinters…..I think that seeing a person that we are supposed to have an exclusive relationship with....behaving in a sexually provocative way...for any reason...cuts very deep---I consider that to be human nature....

Also, I think that the fundamental basis of all healthy relationships is trust and respect....whether it be a friendship, parent--child relationship, or any close relationship.....
If you don't have those basic elements...all the rest is more form than substance.....

I realize that you are, for sure, experiencing one of the most painful of human emotions....the breaking of couple bonding....it really is grotesquely painful....
I hope that you will be fearless enough to endure the necessary short-term pain in favor of the long-term gain.....
time and distance will help you get there....
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