I am so glad I found these forums. I have been reading them daily for the last couple of weeks and going back and forth with myself on posting. Right now I am in a place of complete exhaustion, shellshock, and heartbreak, and just wanted to reach out. I will try to keep from rambling, hahaha.

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we have a ten year old son. I have never drank, and my husband only did socially at first. Progressively, my husband’s drinking became worse and worse, and two years ago he blacked out while home alone with our son while I was still at work 40 miles away. At that time he swore he would quit, and claims that he did for three months. Then he began hiding it and blacked out again eight months after the first incident, again home alone with our son while I was working. It tears me apart to put that down in writing. I cannot ever forget the mix of rage, bone-deep grief, and worry I felt as I talked to my son on the phone while racing home as quickly as I could safely go. And I can’t forgive myself for believing my husband’s promises to quit drinking, because I feel that makes me responsible for the fact that he endangered our son the second time. Of course, after the second time he swore he would quit too. And I was still so deep in denial that this was happening that I believed him. We went to his PCP and talked about his alcoholism, discovered he has fatty liver, and he agreed to be placed on an antidepressant and was really making an effort. That was about 8-9 months ago. Now he has a six pack or more daily before 1pm through the week (that he admits to), more if he’s off work the next day or the weekend. I have arranged alternate care for our son and am making plans to separate.

He has always been a very loving, very involved father. The thing that blows me away is that even during his active drinking, he participates in scouts and archery with our son, goes to eat lunch with him at school, helps with homework, basically all of the things he’s always done. That has declined as his drinking has progressed, because now he’s not sober when it’s time for scouts or school lunch, but he still makes statements about wanting to help coach the archery team or take a more active leader role in scouts... and he acts completely surprised when I tell him he cannot live the lifestyle he does and expect to have any type of leadership role around children. It is a level of denial that completely stuns me. He will admit to being an alcoholic but denies that it is hurting anyone but himself. He is not a mean or violent drunk, but our home has basically turned into a bachelor pad. When I pick up our son and come home from work, he is drunk in the garage with music blasting, and stays that way until late at night, then he staggers into the house and sees no problem with our son seeing him that way. I get sick at my stomach turning onto our street every day, and I am beyond tired of living like this.

Our fights about it have have gotten so bad. I have been so hurt because I NEVER thought we would come across something we couldn’t overcome together (but I’m pretty sure no one ever gets married with the thought that one day it’s going to end). I have been taking to him this whole time like he is still the same sane, rational person that I’ve always known, but within the last month his behavior has shown me that his addiction has absolutely compromised his mind. Now he will scream at me at the top of his lungs, and tell me I’m crazy for making such a big deal about his drinking. He has even said things like, “I don’t know who you are anymore, and I don’t feel safe around you. I deserve better than this.” His go-to defense is that I am trying to control him, and that he has every right to drink as much as he wants to. What he refuses to hear is that I agree - he does have the right to drink... but I (and our son) have the right to not live with an alcoholic. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my husband is gone.

I have held held on to the hope for so long that he will decide he wants to quit. I have always said that if he truly wanted to quit I would go to the ends of the earth to help in whatever way I can. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and soul searching, and know that I am codependent. Right now I’m in the process of changing my own behavior and way of thinking. I am trying to keep things as calm as possible for our son, and have finally broken my silence about our situation by telling some of my family. We’re in this weird in-between place right now where we’re still living in the same house until different arrangements can be made, and I’ve been alternating back and forth with relief that I am finally taking solid steps to change this, and heartbreak that it’s actually happening.

For those of you who made it through that novel, thank you so much for reading. I hope to be able to get to a point in my life where I can be a shoulder for you all to lean on.

Hi, I just wanted to say welcome and I’m going through the same as you. My AH put my daughters life at risk last year by plugging an iPad into a mains electricity cable when she was in the bath then he passed out. It still haunts me that she could have died but he doesn’t remember doing it nor did he show any remorse whatsoever.

I left 3 months ago but had to go through that horrible no mans land thing you are going through now whilst we sorted out new accommodation. It hurts like hell and it’s the most confusing rollercoaster I’ve ever been on. Just wanted to offer my support and say you are not alone. You are not wrong. You are not crazy. And you are doing the right thing. Even though you will get moments where you doubt yourself keep going for your son. Huge hugs xxx

RainingButtons - I am so sorry for what you’re going through too! You are so right about it being an emotional roller coaster, and you don’t know how much it helped me that you said I’m not crazy. Deep in my heart I know I’m not, but the lines get awfully blurry, especially when you’re told this by a person you once trusted implicitly with everything.

SBM and Sasha - thank you so much for the welcome. This has actually been going on for several years and I had my head firmly in the sand for at least three of them. I kept repeating to myself that when it came down to the wire, my husband would absolutely choose his family over alcohol, despite all evidence to the contrary. And for the longest time I was so caught up that I couldn’t separate his right to drink from my right not to live with it - his battles were my battles. It has just been within the last month that I have finally reached the point of “enough”. I don’t even know what it was that finally nudged me up and over that edge. As painful and surreal as it is, I’m so glad I’ve finally reached that point. For the first time in years it doesn’t feel like I’m blowing around aimlessly. I’m reaching out for my right to a peaceful life for my son and myself.

Trailmix, thank you for the links - especially ‘letting go of someone not in recovery’. I had missed that one and it really struck the nail on the head.

Clarity - he absolutely refuses any offer of AA, therapy (couples or single), or rehab. He says that his mother dragged him to therapists and medicated him when he was younger (ADHD) and that he hates it. He is not treated for ADHD as an adult and that complicates everything.

He also has these very weird ‘boundaries’, for lack of a better word, that make no sense. It took me two years to convince him to go to the MD for an anti-depressant, because he can’t stand taking pills on any kind - get this - because they can be harmful. He has always had this resistance to meds, well before any drinking problem ever arose. He very literally told his sister, while lying drunk out of his mind on our kitchen floor, that he didn’t want to take ibuprofen to avoid a hangover headache because it would hurt his liver 🤷*♀️

Sorry, I accidentally hit a button and submitted my post too early.
I was just going to say that whenever I bring up the very obvious liver damage that he’s causing by drinking, he changes the subject. Whenever I try to bring up the reality of our situation at all, he shuts down. The other day we were having a decent discussion, and I asked him, “Do you feel in your heart that this is an appropriate living environment for a ten year old boy?” I could see him get angry instantly. He started yelling and screaming that I won’t ever give him a break, and then he stomped off. Anything to keep from facing the very real consequences of his actions.

But I have seen him reach his limit with other things and just be “done”, just exactly like what you’ve suggested, seekingcalm. He was a pack a day smoker, give or take a few, for a little over five years. He woke up one day and just decided he didn’t want to smoke anymore, threw a fresh pack of cigarettes away, and hasn’t picked them back up since. That was ten years ago. I don’t want to fall back into denial, or to get into the “our situation is different” trap... but there is a part of me that is just desperately waiting for him to reach his limit with alcoholism.

This is is where I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere. I just want my husband back... but at the same time I can’t continue to allow my son to live in this environment (and to live in it myself). It’s too volatile.

Since you brought it up... a lot of close addicts I know, including my ex were able to give up cigarettes after years... some decades. They all stopped cold turkey.

But..... less common with drinking. Different addiction (& different withdrawal) completely, in my opinion. My ex mentioned the differences many times. She said giving up smoking was nothin’ in comparison to fighting the beast of her alcoholism.

LifeChange - that’s exactly what I keep telling myself. And even if he were to quit cold turkey, right now... I still think it’s best that we separate. Right now our relationship with each other is as toxic as the alcohol he’s drinking.

Trailmix - Your posts are a wonderful counterweight and help me so much. It is absolutely NOT a gamble I can take anymore. I was raised in a loving, stable household and never dealt with anything resembling alcoholism or addiction until I was an adult. I don’t expect my son’s life to be perfect, but I do want his home to be as safe, loving, and stable as it possibly can be. I can’t wager that on my husband’s track record with alcoholism and I can’t continue to let the damage pile up on my son.

I haven’t gone to al anon yet. It’s just been very recently that I snapped out of the denial I’ve been in, regarding both his alcoholism and my codependency. I have found a lot of irony in the fact that I’ve been just about as adamant at denying my issues as he has his addiction 🤦 I think it would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Right now now my focus has been on living arrangements. This is an area I’m pretty sure denial still has a hold on me. Husband is dragging his heels at finding another place to live. I didn’t really expect any different, but I’ve been trying to give him a chance to move out before I start looking for a place, because the house we live in is in my parents’ names. We’ve been paying the mortgage for the last 11 years and the plan was to turn it over to our names when paid off. I haven’t told my parents about his drinking or our problems yet because they are very straight-laced, absolutely no drinking, drugs, etc... they don’t even curse, lol. I’m pretty sure their reaction would be just short of nuclear, especially if their daughter and grandson are moving out of the house because AH won’t. When AH and I discussed it, we both agreed that the best way to go about this would be for AH to move out, and once he found an apartment, we would then discuss the situation with my parents and determine long term plans for the house. He agreed and swore he would start looking, but he hasn’t hit a lick at any of it in the three weeks since that discussion. And the stress of not knowing what condition he is going to be in when me and my son get home is completely tearing me up. So I’ve just about come to the conclusion that as much as I hate to, I might have to find my own place, tell my parents I’m moving out, and let the cards fall where they may. I just really, REALLY wanted to avoid all the extra heartache and stress of doing it that way.

I just need my own space so badly. I need my own safe spot for me and my son. I feel like I’m going crazy. I just want a home where I know no one will be drinking, or staggering, or blasting music, or screaming at me. I have to have some peace.

Sorry for the meltdown. I’m just about at my wits’ end.

I haven’t talked to a lawyer yet and I agree, that’s definitely going to need to happen in the very near future.

Puzzled, really I’m just trying for any peace that can possibly be had, lol. It’s going to be enough of a bombshell to drop when I tell them about our separation and his drinking. It’s going to infuriate them and possibly damage their relationship with him beyond repair if he will not leave the house that’s in their names. I’m just trying to avoid that if I can at all.

Trailmix, I hadn’t thought of telling him I would find him a place. That is a good option to consider. I have politely suggested a few options off the top of my head before, and he has always had a reason why they wouldn’t work. He has always been easily overwhelmed with getting projects off the ground. Maybe if I actually get applications and get the ball rolling he would be more likely to follow through.

I just have to get something going. I told him that we absolutely have to have things figured out before my son starts school in August... he needs some stability and routine before jumping headfirst into fifth grade.