Massive coke / drink binge 😱
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Massive coke / drink binge 😱
So I hit the button an ****** up, last night I drank for no reason. Or no valid reason I can blame, I've a few things going on but,nothing that normal people can't cope with, I ended up doing coke as well, a massive binge. So where do I go from here ? I don't know. I fell out with people with my attitude, I just didn't give a ****. I hit self destruct. I got tunnel vision an wanted to reach oblivion. I'm sitting at home feeling sketchy paranoid beating myself up. Couldn't go to work, I even blocked out the fact I have a son, at home.
He looked deflated this morning it broke my heart.
I have no desire to carry on now, the thought turns my stomach, the fact of the matter is I'm an addict, I need help to stop these outbursts.
I'm not making excuses for myself, but when I get smashed the chat in my head stops, I don't know if any of you understand that. I don't mean the AV I mean the constant chatter in my head. The inner bully.
I've finally got my shrink appointment through its this Thursday. I'm trying I really am. But I get so far an I want to explode into oblivion.
I've just got to stop this, I can't keep go in g round in circles. I'm 48 for God's sake, I've been like this for 30 years. I'm tired of it
Sorry for going on
Doris x
He looked deflated this morning it broke my heart.
I have no desire to carry on now, the thought turns my stomach, the fact of the matter is I'm an addict, I need help to stop these outbursts.
I'm not making excuses for myself, but when I get smashed the chat in my head stops, I don't know if any of you understand that. I don't mean the AV I mean the constant chatter in my head. The inner bully.
I've finally got my shrink appointment through its this Thursday. I'm trying I really am. But I get so far an I want to explode into oblivion.
I've just got to stop this, I can't keep go in g round in circles. I'm 48 for God's sake, I've been like this for 30 years. I'm tired of it
Sorry for going on
Doris x
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Originally Posted by Doris47 
I'm not making excuses for myself, but when I get smashed the chat in my head stops, I don't know if any of you understand that. I don't mean the AV I mean the constant chatter in my head. The inner bully.
My self-esteem has been pretty low my entire life for most of the time I can recall, and I would beat myself up at the drop of any hat. I was convinced that I was just wrong, an aberration of existence, nobody is supposed to feel like this, I told myself. Drinking and other drugs distracted me from these feelings.
Then the chemicals took over, the drinking in my case, and I felt the worst that I have ever felt. That chatter in my head would not go away, especially since I started isolating myself and trying to hide everything from others that I was fragile. I had two images of me, and both were false constructs. I was a *mess* and making huge mistakes.
Being sober has helped me to deal with the inner noise, and I have gotten help from professionals, too.
If you are listening to that inner bully now, remember that you have a problem, but you are not a mistake of a person like I thought I was when I was just tired of everything.
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Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
Hey, sorry to hear that Doris but you're back here and thats a great start.
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Originally Posted by Guener
Yes, I can understand what you are talking about here. I have a constant inner dialogue with myself when I'm not busy or preoccupied by something else. It can be damn annoying, and it's a big reason of why I come to SR daily for some perspective.
My self-esteem has been pretty low my entire life for most of the time I can recall, and I would beat myself up at the drop of any hat. I was convinced that I was just wrong, an aberration of existence, nobody is supposed to feel like this, I told myself. Drinking and other drugs distracted me from these feelings.
Then the chemicals took over, the drinking in my case, and I felt the worst that I have ever felt. That chatter in my head would not go away, especially since I started isolating myself and trying to hide everything from others that I was fragile. I had two images of me, and both were false constructs. I was a *mess* and making huge mistakes.
Being sober has helped me to deal with the inner noise, and I have gotten help from professionals, too.
If you are listening to that inner bully now, remember that you have a problem, but you are not a mistake of a person like I thought I was when I was just tired of everything.
My self-esteem has been pretty low my entire life for most of the time I can recall, and I would beat myself up at the drop of any hat. I was convinced that I was just wrong, an aberration of existence, nobody is supposed to feel like this, I told myself. Drinking and other drugs distracted me from these feelings.
Then the chemicals took over, the drinking in my case, and I felt the worst that I have ever felt. That chatter in my head would not go away, especially since I started isolating myself and trying to hide everything from others that I was fragile. I had two images of me, and both were false constructs. I was a *mess* and making huge mistakes.
Being sober has helped me to deal with the inner noise, and I have gotten help from professionals, too.
If you are listening to that inner bully now, remember that you have a problem, but you are not a mistake of a person like I thought I was when I was just tired of everything.
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I hate this feeling, I just don't know what to do with myself, i feel like my head is going round in circles, the whole "why the hell did you do that" I know it always ends up with me feeling like total shite, it's total madness. I'm such an idiot. But here I am again 😥
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I came to SR in 2010 for my drinking, and haven't drank since. But I did relapse in 2014 on drugs, losing over 5 years clean time. I was pretty down, you can imagine, convinced I'd struggle with addiction the rest of my life.
That turned out not to be the case.
I am not a victim of my addiction. I made a choice to use. A poor one, but a choice. I tried to rationalize it, justify it, but the reason I got high was I wanted to, more than I wanted to stay straight.
That hasn't been the case since. I re-doubled my recovery efforts. I realize I don't have to struggle if I don't want to. The struggle is my own doing. Therefore, I work on my recovery daily.
As far as the chatter in our brains...everyone has it. It's part of consciousness. But it doesn't have to be negative chatter. That you can work on. Google ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) therapy.
You are not doomed to be an addict.
That turned out not to be the case.
I am not a victim of my addiction. I made a choice to use. A poor one, but a choice. I tried to rationalize it, justify it, but the reason I got high was I wanted to, more than I wanted to stay straight.
That hasn't been the case since. I re-doubled my recovery efforts. I realize I don't have to struggle if I don't want to. The struggle is my own doing. Therefore, I work on my recovery daily.
As far as the chatter in our brains...everyone has it. It's part of consciousness. But it doesn't have to be negative chatter. That you can work on. Google ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) therapy.
You are not doomed to be an addict.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 412
One thing I have learned so far in sobriety is we have to face our emotions and not run from them. It has only been a short amount of time sober for me but in this short amount of time I have made great progress in dealing with my inner bully. Not being good enough, life is hopeless, never going to feel good. These were all lies which alcohol and drugs made much worse. I was also a heavy coke user using 3-4 balls a week, that stuff will do a number on anyone's mind and is almost unavoidable once someone has a few drinks in them if they are an addict. I can tell you I went from suicidal 45 days ago to being very optimistic about my future. You can get through this and feel better, if i can anyone can.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: UK
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Hi Doris,
I understand the constant head-chatter and the overall feeling of hopelessness.
I had a month sober last month and then went on a 2-day bender; something which has happened time and time again.
You and I, though, we CAN be and live sober, happy lives.
Booking an appointment with a professional is a great first step. That's what I did *high five*
I go to mine next Monday. In the meantime, I've kept myself as busy as possible, without pushing myself too far. Baby steps.
Also, I take great heart from my Dad, who drank all his life until the age of 65, when he quit. He is now 71, and he's the happiest I've ever seen him. I grew up watching him drink every night. He only seemed to want to talk to me when he was slurring. Now, though, our relationship is amazing. You can be that father to your son too, Doris.
Hang in there
I understand the constant head-chatter and the overall feeling of hopelessness.
I had a month sober last month and then went on a 2-day bender; something which has happened time and time again.
You and I, though, we CAN be and live sober, happy lives.
Booking an appointment with a professional is a great first step. That's what I did *high five*
I go to mine next Monday. In the meantime, I've kept myself as busy as possible, without pushing myself too far. Baby steps. Also, I take great heart from my Dad, who drank all his life until the age of 65, when he quit. He is now 71, and he's the happiest I've ever seen him. I grew up watching him drink every night. He only seemed to want to talk to me when he was slurring. Now, though, our relationship is amazing. You can be that father to your son too, Doris.
Hang in there
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[QUOTE=Resurgence;7214098]Hi Doris,
I understand the constant head-chatter and the overall feeling of hopelessness.
I had a month sober last month and then went on a 2-day bender; something which has happened time and time again.
You and I, though, we CAN be and live sober, happy lives.
Booking an appointment with a professional is a great first step. That's what I did *high five* I go to mine next Monday. In the meantime, I've kept myself as busy as possible, without pushing myself too far. Baby steps.
Also, I take great heart from my Dad, who drank all his life until the age of 65, when he quit. He is now 71, and he's the happiest I've ever seen him. I grew up watching him drink every night. He only seemed to want to talk to me when he was slurring. Now, though, our relationship is amazing. You can be that father to your son too, Doris.
Hang in there
Thank you, I feel quite sad and tearful right now. I feel as if my heart is breaking. But I do it to myself all my own doing
I understand the constant head-chatter and the overall feeling of hopelessness.
I had a month sober last month and then went on a 2-day bender; something which has happened time and time again.
You and I, though, we CAN be and live sober, happy lives.
Booking an appointment with a professional is a great first step. That's what I did *high five*
I go to mine next Monday. In the meantime, I've kept myself as busy as possible, without pushing myself too far. Baby steps. Also, I take great heart from my Dad, who drank all his life until the age of 65, when he quit. He is now 71, and he's the happiest I've ever seen him. I grew up watching him drink every night. He only seemed to want to talk to me when he was slurring. Now, though, our relationship is amazing. You can be that father to your son too, Doris.
Hang in there
Thank you, I feel quite sad and tearful right now. I feel as if my heart is breaking. But I do it to myself all my own doing
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Hi Doris
the important thing is you're back which means you realise how bereft that other state of mind is.
I've often said it took two phases for me to stay sober - one was staying clean and sober, and the other was finding ways to be happy with myself and my life.
I think a lot of us are familiar with that chatter in our heads and the desire that it stop.
I used to be terrified of it - I didn't ever want to be alone with my own thoughts. I was my own worst critic - there's probably a layer of self hatred in a lot of us I think.
I decided whatever the answer was it wasn't getting high or drunk - and as I faced my demons one by one in sobriety I grew to love myself again and the chatter ceased to bother me.
I can still think a million things at once but it's not destructive and I don't get scared by it anymore.
Its a process - it takes time - a willingness to change and ask for help - and little courage.
Think about what happened and why - thing about why you stopped yourself from reaching out and asking for help. That will give you a good start to go on to get towards that happiness peace and contentment we all need to find.
the important thing is you're back which means you realise how bereft that other state of mind is.
I've often said it took two phases for me to stay sober - one was staying clean and sober, and the other was finding ways to be happy with myself and my life.
I think a lot of us are familiar with that chatter in our heads and the desire that it stop.
I used to be terrified of it - I didn't ever want to be alone with my own thoughts. I was my own worst critic - there's probably a layer of self hatred in a lot of us I think.
I decided whatever the answer was it wasn't getting high or drunk - and as I faced my demons one by one in sobriety I grew to love myself again and the chatter ceased to bother me.
I can still think a million things at once but it's not destructive and I don't get scared by it anymore.
Its a process - it takes time - a willingness to change and ask for help - and little courage.
Think about what happened and why - thing about why you stopped yourself from reaching out and asking for help. That will give you a good start to go on to get towards that happiness peace and contentment we all need to find.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Hi Doris im sorry you are going through this, im on day 1 again to and feel exactly the same as you stick in a relentless battle, sick and tired of thinking about it, sick of failing, sick of not being normal.
i cant offer much advice except I'm trying again and guess thats all we can start by doing, trying and taking it day by day.
i cant offer much advice except I'm trying again and guess thats all we can start by doing, trying and taking it day by day.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Hi Doris
I'm sorry to read you are feeling so low right now. I know what you mean about the 'inner bully'. The voice(s) in my head that were kicking me left, right and heavy in the tidbits from early on went quiet the first time I drank to intoxication. I didn't understand what had happened, they just fell silent. And I fell in love then and there. Little did I know at the time that this 'love affair' would lead me to the darkest, dampest, absolutely horrible places both in the physical world as well as in my mind. And it just kept going and going and going - drink, screw up, shout at someone/break up with someone/lose someone/throw up on something or someone, including myself/ignore someone or something important, feel depressed, curl up/close the curtains/sob/suffer insomnia/sweat out the toxins, come to, try and clean up the mess, feel better, drink. For more than 10 years from late teenage years until now I've been in that circle. I just got so freaking tired of it. Life's not roses whilst sober, because life 'doesn't care' - but I feel a lot better facing it sober.
What's that saying ... death smiles at all men, so the only thing we can do is smile back? Easier to smile when sober
Hang in there, recognise what's currently going on inside you and what's causing it (both chemically and spiritually) and find your way out. It's more than possible.
Wish you the best.
I'm sorry to read you are feeling so low right now. I know what you mean about the 'inner bully'. The voice(s) in my head that were kicking me left, right and heavy in the tidbits from early on went quiet the first time I drank to intoxication. I didn't understand what had happened, they just fell silent. And I fell in love then and there. Little did I know at the time that this 'love affair' would lead me to the darkest, dampest, absolutely horrible places both in the physical world as well as in my mind. And it just kept going and going and going - drink, screw up, shout at someone/break up with someone/lose someone/throw up on something or someone, including myself/ignore someone or something important, feel depressed, curl up/close the curtains/sob/suffer insomnia/sweat out the toxins, come to, try and clean up the mess, feel better, drink. For more than 10 years from late teenage years until now I've been in that circle. I just got so freaking tired of it. Life's not roses whilst sober, because life 'doesn't care' - but I feel a lot better facing it sober.
What's that saying ... death smiles at all men, so the only thing we can do is smile back? Easier to smile when sober
Hang in there, recognise what's currently going on inside you and what's causing it (both chemically and spiritually) and find your way out. It's more than possible.
Wish you the best.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
Doris- I hope you were able to get some rest and are feeling better. My suggestion is to think back to what lead up to this relapse and learn from it. I clearly remember the last time I drink ...when I stubbed up and decided to do it. So I watch for that now.
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Stressed why did that happen not what I need today
Day 8. Last night I was involved in a messenger chat with other parents about arrangement for a day out for the school class. I only personally know a couple as I isolate. Anyways it kicked off in there I kept out. However just checked my messenger and last night late I sent about 30 messages that don’t make sense like a few words kind of like predictive texts. I had no idea. Today one of the mum’s comments she hopes I’m ok???? And there is a mum joining the chat that I really don’t get n with and she has called authorities on me years ago for drunk. I’m feeling like crap cos it looks like iv lost plot and was drunk!!!! I wasn’t 😢 now I think they all think I was drunk and will report me or something. I was sober anybody else had their phone do this crap. I really was starting to get to grips with my anxiety and now this. Sorry if I have gone on but it’s a big thing for me I do not want people to think I did that drunk cos I don’t even know some of them 😢😢😢 that’s why I isolate flipping typical sorry if I’m being childish
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