Having a hard time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Having a hard time
Guys, I'm having such a hard time today... I had been NC for 6 weeks after ending things with my XABF, but then last weekend he reached out to me with a "nice" goodbye letter that only consisted of him saying I gave up on him, and that I was "never one to stand beside, you're a free spirit" and all this b.s. And at first I saw it for what it was and wasn't too bothered. But I guess it ate at me. And then a couple days later he started up with telling me he was suicidal and whatnot. I didn't do anything crazy, just told him I was sorry and that I wished him the best. But then today I went to brunch with friends and had too many mimosas, and called and texted him saying I needed him. He didn't answer thankfully. And now that I'm sober I'm mortified that I did that. He is reblocked. But I'm sitting here bawling because it is so hard for me to understand how he could reach out to me when he's hurting, and I wanted to be there for him and do whatever I could to help him through his hard time, but he couldn't even be bothered to answer or respond when I had a low moment. I know it's for the best and all, but God this hurts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
Hi Trinity - him saying you gave up on him and was never one to stand beside doesn't sound very "nice".
As for your text, I really wouldn't worry about it too much. First of all, he probably realizes you were drinking? Secondly it's really not much different that what he did (except your content wasn't mean).
What I mean is, he gets drunk and morose and emails you pouring out the feelings he is having at the moment to you. You get drunk and morose and text the feelings you were having at the moment to him.
The difference is, you then sobered up and starting thinking about all this. He hasn't, he is still in active addiction. If he doesn't want to think about it he just needs a few drinks perhaps. Did you find him to be at all emotionally available while you were with him?
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
As for your text, I really wouldn't worry about it too much. First of all, he probably realizes you were drinking? Secondly it's really not much different that what he did (except your content wasn't mean).
What I mean is, he gets drunk and morose and emails you pouring out the feelings he is having at the moment to you. You get drunk and morose and text the feelings you were having at the moment to him.
The difference is, you then sobered up and starting thinking about all this. He hasn't, he is still in active addiction. If he doesn't want to think about it he just needs a few drinks perhaps. Did you find him to be at all emotionally available while you were with him?
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 23
Addicts/Alcoholics are manipulative and self-serving.
The addict/alcoholic is incapable of love because they can't love themselves.
They are incapable of honesty because they can't be honest with themselves.
They are incapable of respect because they can't respect themselves.
Any break-up/divorce is hard even under the best of circumstances.
Keep moving ahead to get to the other side.
You deserve to find happiness.
The addict/alcoholic is incapable of love because they can't love themselves.
They are incapable of honesty because they can't be honest with themselves.
They are incapable of respect because they can't respect themselves.
Any break-up/divorce is hard even under the best of circumstances.
Keep moving ahead to get to the other side.
You deserve to find happiness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Thank you both. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself for attempting to contact him, feels like I gave my power away after doing so well with NC all this time. But I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly. It's a good thing he didn't answer, I would've gone to see him in that moment, and that would've been really unhealthy. Our relationship was extremely toxic, and it's crazy to me that I still miss him and have feelings for him after all that he has done to me. It's sick.
Trailmix, thank you for sharing that... I keep losing sight of the fact that he isn't capable of any of those things. No, when it came down to it he wasn't ever there for me emotionally. I always felt like it wasn't ok for me to have a negative feeling around him, yet I had to be supportive of all his negative feelings.
Breaking free from this relationship has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and that makes me feel pathetic. I've heard about trauma bonding and all that and it seems to be what happened to me. 7 weeks out since I ended things now, and while I'm doing better than I was on day one, I'm not as far along as I wish
This is the worst.
Trailmix, thank you for sharing that... I keep losing sight of the fact that he isn't capable of any of those things. No, when it came down to it he wasn't ever there for me emotionally. I always felt like it wasn't ok for me to have a negative feeling around him, yet I had to be supportive of all his negative feelings.
Breaking free from this relationship has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and that makes me feel pathetic. I've heard about trauma bonding and all that and it seems to be what happened to me. 7 weeks out since I ended things now, and while I'm doing better than I was on day one, I'm not as far along as I wish
This is the worst.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Trinity, what support do you have with people who understand
addiction? Alanon, a sponsor, a therapist? These are all people
who could be there for you when you need them or have a weak
moment. You could reach out to them instead of exab.
It would make this difficult time easier for you. ((((hugs)))))
addiction? Alanon, a sponsor, a therapist? These are all people
who could be there for you when you need them or have a weak
moment. You could reach out to them instead of exab.
It would make this difficult time easier for you. ((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Trinity
Don't be too hard on yourself. We all understand this process, which sometimes seems like one step forward and five backward....
Grief takes on a life of it's own. All you can do is ride it out and try not to make any life changing decisions based on it, like going back to him.
After five years, I have finally begun to ask myself what the hell was I thinking to go or to stay.
Obviously I am not the same person I was then.
Hang in there!!!!
Don't be too hard on yourself. We all understand this process, which sometimes seems like one step forward and five backward....
Grief takes on a life of it's own. All you can do is ride it out and try not to make any life changing decisions based on it, like going back to him.
After five years, I have finally begun to ask myself what the hell was I thinking to go or to stay.
Obviously I am not the same person I was then.
Hang in there!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
my ex used to call them "driveway slips" - where we somehow find ourselves driving by their house....just to see..........i've only done that 432 times myself. your mileage may vary.
it happens. we're humans who cared very much for someone. i think it's a good sign when we cannot just shut that off, like a toggle switch.
it happens. we're humans who cared very much for someone. i think it's a good sign when we cannot just shut that off, like a toggle switch.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I slipped up with my addict. It was after a six month period of not talking to her. It was the longest time we ever went without talking to each other.
I was stuck in traffic driving home from work. I started thinking about her. Almost in a trance like state I picked up my phone and texted her "you are stubborn like a mule" I did not expect her to respond.
My phone quickly flashed back a text from her "no your stubborn"
From there over the next hour or two she totally blew my phone up with text & phone calls all major problems going on in her life. All she wanted was money!!!!! That lasted for maybe a week. Then poof she vanished for another 3 months.
It was horrendous for me.
I slipped up badly & hopefully learned my lesson. I haven't done that again.
Her & I are over a year now without contact.
I was stuck in traffic driving home from work. I started thinking about her. Almost in a trance like state I picked up my phone and texted her "you are stubborn like a mule" I did not expect her to respond.
My phone quickly flashed back a text from her "no your stubborn"
From there over the next hour or two she totally blew my phone up with text & phone calls all major problems going on in her life. All she wanted was money!!!!! That lasted for maybe a week. Then poof she vanished for another 3 months.
It was horrendous for me.
I slipped up badly & hopefully learned my lesson. I haven't done that again.
Her & I are over a year now without contact.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Trinity,
They're addicts and they're manipulative. They lie. They cheat. They do worse. They use words to hurt you because they want to inform you that they are never at fault for anything, nor do they have responsibility for anything--and you should inherently know this because that is the game they played with you all through your relationship.
Part of letting that go is accepting that, yes, we loved that person and how did we allow ourselves to get involved with that kind of individual (more self-blame and the A would be happy to know you are doing that). It's because he never showed you who he really was until he was good and ready. And by that time, you had bought into him and the line of BS he was feeding.
I know the grief that is in your chest and how heavy it feels. I remember not sleeping. Being too tired to breathe. How obtrusive and confusing the thoughts were. Constant nausea. You are going to get through this. It's not just a break-up -- your reality was twisted and you don't feel like you know anything or anyone. You question everything.
Forgive yourself for texting him. You have a good heart. You still care about him as a human being. I used to explain this feeling to myself as I cared about him, the same way I would when I saw a homeless person and felt badly that their life had come to this. Empathy is not a bad thing, but some people can use it against you.
Hang on and hang in there. A lot more people than you think understand how you are feeling and we all know that you will get better.
They're addicts and they're manipulative. They lie. They cheat. They do worse. They use words to hurt you because they want to inform you that they are never at fault for anything, nor do they have responsibility for anything--and you should inherently know this because that is the game they played with you all through your relationship.
Part of letting that go is accepting that, yes, we loved that person and how did we allow ourselves to get involved with that kind of individual (more self-blame and the A would be happy to know you are doing that). It's because he never showed you who he really was until he was good and ready. And by that time, you had bought into him and the line of BS he was feeding.
I know the grief that is in your chest and how heavy it feels. I remember not sleeping. Being too tired to breathe. How obtrusive and confusing the thoughts were. Constant nausea. You are going to get through this. It's not just a break-up -- your reality was twisted and you don't feel like you know anything or anyone. You question everything.
Forgive yourself for texting him. You have a good heart. You still care about him as a human being. I used to explain this feeling to myself as I cared about him, the same way I would when I saw a homeless person and felt badly that their life had come to this. Empathy is not a bad thing, but some people can use it against you.
Hang on and hang in there. A lot more people than you think understand how you are feeling and we all know that you will get better.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
As someone who had an addiction, I really think statements that are all inclusive such as the above are more harmful than helpful.
Not all addicts are without morals or the ability to act in a socially appropriate way. It might be better to qualify statements like "Many addicts, or "addiction often increases such and such behavior"
As a double (actually triple) winner, I know addicts can often behave badly, but not all of us without exception "lie, cheat, manipulate, and worse".
That's simply not true.
Not all addicts are without morals or the ability to act in a socially appropriate way. It might be better to qualify statements like "Many addicts, or "addiction often increases such and such behavior"
As a double (actually triple) winner, I know addicts can often behave badly, but not all of us without exception "lie, cheat, manipulate, and worse".
That's simply not true.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Hawkeye I also enjoy your texts and I get what you Are saying. I do think addicts lie to themselves.I work in health care and I haven't seen one who doesn't do this. I think the addictive substance is the most important thing and as time passes the addict makes up his own rules and becomes self centered with no regard for other people eventually. There may be degrees of this. It is a disease process. An addict does what works to keep on using. I have had trouble with depression and anxiety...and there are degrees of this. If I don't get treatment eventually I could become suicidal or be too afraid to leave my house. That's close to the end. Its progressive but I do think in the end stages certain personality traits enable addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Thank you all again, truly... I have been holed up nursing my wounds for a few days.. Made it through my birthday alone.. This just plain sucks, no way around it.
Leelee, thank you.. Your post did give me some strength. As Hawkeye pointed out, I do know that those traits aren't true across the board for every addict.. But unfortunately they were all true in my situation
I'm still working on accepting reality and accepting that he is not going to be my future. We won't ever be able to give each other what we want/need. I gave it 2 years of chances and unfulfilled promises of change. I have to accept that. I hate it
Leelee, thank you.. Your post did give me some strength. As Hawkeye pointed out, I do know that those traits aren't true across the board for every addict.. But unfortunately they were all true in my situation
I'm still working on accepting reality and accepting that he is not going to be my future. We won't ever be able to give each other what we want/need. I gave it 2 years of chances and unfulfilled promises of change. I have to accept that. I hate it
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