amy55

I had a conversation with my mother today. She was telling me about these cramps that she would get in her legs and she is now taking medication for that, and it doesn't happen anymore. I told her that I also get painful cramps in my legs, (not a charlie horse), it's like someone is trying to push a marble through my vein and the pain is so excruciating that I am almost paralyzed when it happens. I told her I was getting a different pain in my ankle now, where I just can't get up and walk, that I have to push my foot into a hard surface to sort of realign my ankle before I can stand up. I asked her about what med she was taking and that perhaps I would consider going t.o a Doctor and ask about that.

Well, that's when my mother went after me. She asked me if I had a PCP. (primary care physician) The answer was "no". She asked me when was the last time I went to see a Doctor. Oh well, that would probably be back in about 2010. She asked me why I'm not going to Doctors especially after all I've been through. ( I had cervical cancer, stage 3 b, breast cancer, stage 1, DVT, (deep vein thrombosis) I know I'm irrational and my thoughts about this are irrational, I for some reason have a phobia about seeing Doctors. It's not that I fear Doctors or the examinations.

My first explanation was that I am Polish and you know that Polish people hate to go to Doctors. You go to a Doctor and you are feeling well, and those Doctors find something wrong with you and now you are dying. Perhaps an old Polish joke, but whatever, it's not rational thinking. I know this, so what is my problem?

I think one of my problems is that I have a death wish. I was married when I had cancer, and I didn't see anyway that I could leave the marriage. (I was also wrong about that). When I found out that I had stage 3B cancer, I was at peace. It felt like I finally found a way to get out of my marriage. I thought about suicide so many times then, and it was against my religion, and I felt God was giving me a way out, I lived through it, but was still in the same abusive situation, which intensified then. I felt like I was robbed of being in a peaceful ending.

I also dislike being on any kind of pills. I don't want to take any prescriptions. That in a way is weird, because I have animals, one of my dogs is on an anti depressant. I will try to stop this in the next few months if things are going OK, I can do this religiously for another person or dog, but I can't seem to want to do this for myself.

I do have health care and also a dental plan. I just don't use them. It's like if I'm well, why see a Doctor, if I'm sick, then I feel too sick to drive to see a Doctor. When I get better , it's like, see, you got better without a Dr.

IDK, it's like I did have medical conditions, (and still do) I am now 63 yrs old, I know I should be going to Dr's.

Can't seem to figure out what my phobia is about this. I also know that I need to see a periodontist, but I am embarrassed about how my teeth look and how I let them get that way. An abusive relationship, alcoholism, and chemo will all contribute to that.

Why am I posting this? Well, I really don't know. Perhaps it's because I need a push, perhaps it's because I think other people are out there experiencing the same thing but too embarrassed to post. Maybe it's because I want to complain about HMO's and sometimes having to travel 50 miles for dental care. Or maybe it's just because I am hating myself right now for not taking care of myself.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

SparkleKitty

I keep regular doctor's appointments, but I can relate on a very specific issue:

I get migraines, and any time that I wwake up with one, I'll be lying in bed, in pain, and I'll find myself having a lengthy debate over whether or not to take my prescription. While the triptans aren't cheap, neither are they criminally expensive, and hoarding them serves no practical purpose whatsoever. The only reason I have them is to treat migraines. And yet every time, there I am lying in bed, telling myself maybe it isn't a migraine. Maybe it will go away.

The longer you wait to take these things, the less effective they are, and the longer they take to kick in. It makes absolutely no sense not to just take one--even if it ISN'T a migraine, it's still worth the risk! My therapist and I just can't figure this one out, so I'll be paying attention to this thread to see if anyone has any ideas.

amy55

SparkleKitty, I suffer with migraines also. When I was younger it was about one a week, with changes in hormones, now maybe 1 or 2 a year.

I was thinking more about this today. Perhaps another reason I don't want to see a Doctor is because I don't want another person telling me that there is something wrong with me.

Another thought was, asking for help was showing your weakness, so I would suffer through anything so I wouldn't be labeled as a complainer.

((((((((hugs))))))))
amy

PS I do know that I need to make medical appointments, just trying to figure out why I have this phobia.

Zevin

Amy, your posts on here are always so helpful and kind. I can tell you are compassionate.
So please take care of yourself. For your Mom. And your sweet dogs. And us.

I don't blame you for being afraid of seeing a Dr. because you might get bad news. BUT....you have already beat down some VERY serious medical issues.
You will probably get a good report and if not, then you will deal with it, just as you have in the past.

Thanks for bringing this topic up, because I was supposed to see a periodontist 2 years ago. And I am overdue for other medical tests.
Guess I just wanted to say I understand your predicament.
I'll call my periodontist if you will.

Ariesagain

I don’t blame you, at all. I have some of that...

I don’t like feeling vulnerable.
I don’t like feeling judged.
I feel like I’ve failed if there’s something wrong with my health.
I don’t like trusting strangers.
I don’t like losing control over my body...it’s like if I dip a toe into the medical vortex, I’ll be sucked in for a zillion tests and appointments and huge bills and no one will ever ASK if this is what I want to do.

I just spent eighteen months dealing with a vicious chronic pain problem and saw more medical people in that time than I have in twenty years. Two MRIs, multiple cortisone shots, tests, physical therapy, multiple misdiagnoses, blablabla.

So I don’t blame you one bit for feeling fatalistic about it all, especially after what you’ve been through.

But you’re in a new location, right? Maybe you can ask around and find someone you could start small with and just get the basics done?

Wishing you well and sending you a hug.

Maudcat

Amy,
I love your posts, and I am so very glad that you have moved to a place you like, that you have family nearby, and your sweet pups.
You have so much to live for, and you have come through the fire in many ways.
Time to take care of you.
Find a physician, go to the appointments.
Yes, it’s a pain, but, at our age, I’m 67, it’s necessary.
I have a PCP, an ob/gyn , an eye person, a dentist,and a dermatologist.
My dermatologist told me I had skin cancer and needed a Mohs procedure.
My eye guy told me I had cataracts that had to be removed.
This is my team. They tell me when I am well, and when I need some help.
As the poet Mary Oliver said, what will you do with your one precious life?
Take care of yourself. You get one chance.

amy55

Zevin,

Make your appointment with that periodontist, don't let your teeth get like mine did. I did go to a dentist, I think it was back in 2015. I had dental insurance. My teeth hurt so bad that I couldn't even think. I had a gum infection. Well, the pills worked and took the pain away. I looked to see where a periodontist was in my area that was under my dental plan. I couldn't find one. The closest was over an hour away. There were periodontists in my area, they just didn't take my insurance. It was also the time period that my alimony stopped because my ex was retiring and I needed to wait for the pension division. I drink green tea a lot. I found out that I like green tea, and green tea tea bags work for gum infections. You suck on them for awhile, they have anti oxidants in them. It worked, so I pushed off the periodontist. I had this guy friend that told me that he would drive me to these appts, but my mind said that I never want to be beholden to any other guy. I have to look up my providers here, but my dental plan is better than what I had. So, I'll go if you go. May take me a bit longer since I think I should probably see a Dr first. I'm checking online where I can go. I guess that's why I hate HMO's.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy

amy55

Ariesagain, sometimes it feels like you are my twin. You know exactly what I am feeling. I was thinking tonight for another reason for why I don't want to do this, and you nailed it. I'm a perfectionist. I'm getting a lot better than that now. I don't want to hear another person tell me that there is something wrong with me. I know that is all irrational. Perhaps it had to do with my cancer. I needed help, I was dependent, and I never want to feel that way again. I remember going through the cancer and DVT and my exah took care of me and everything, then I was getting better and he attacked me because I was stronger. He told me that the only reason he took care of me was because he thought I was dying, and he was only taking care of me because that's what husbands are supposed to do, if not people will not look at that husband kindly.

I am in a new place now. I don't really know my neighbors, but what I do know of them is that they would help out, if I needed help. I already have a neighbor that cleans my car port when it snows and wants nothing for it.

I guess my biggest fear is that if I go to the Dr. I might find out my cancer is back, and I can't deal with that. I never want to feel dependent and vulnerable again. What's irrational is that I feel fine, well maybe not the best, I am aging, but I never want to hear again that I need weekly chemo and daily radiation. I never want to feel dependent again. Never. I would prefer just to die. I already accepted death about 20 years ago.

There is only a few things that keep me going. That is my daughter, my son, dil, grandson, and my 3 cats, and 2 dogs. There is a song that I keep playing in my head, it's this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkMVlzf5lo0.

There are times that I can just about walk because my legs swell up so much, That's the DVT, it's permanent.

When I left my ex, I left with the feeling that you can do anything that you want to, you just have to put your mind to it, and it can be done.

That was 10 years ago. There are many things that I want to do now, and I just can't do it. Yes (age). Perhaps that's why I dread going to a doctor. I always use to think, just tell me what the problem is, and I'll just work with it, deal with it, as long as I know the problem. I don't feel that way anymore, I feel I am getting older and I don't want to be a burden or beholden to anyone. I know all of this is irrational, but this is just some of my thinking.

I will be going to a Doctor soon, once I look up my health insurance to find one I can go to. These were just all of my irrational thoughts, and excuses for why I haven't done this.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

amy55

Maudcat, I hear you. I had the Mohs procedure done. I had a tumor on the side of my nose, they cut it out, or whatever, put in butterfly stitches. I was on vacation, and the stitches came out. I have a scar on my nose from that, but probably would have still had that scar even if the stitches didn't fall apart. That was over 30 years ago. I stay out of the sun as much as possible.

I don't have an ob/gyn, I know I should. I had cervical cancer. Guess I need to add that one to my list also, once I get over my phobia.

I guess at times I can't believe how much I neglected myself, and not being used to getting medical treatment, how much I am afraid.

amy55

I found another reason or excuse for not wanting to see Dr's. I have a drama queen dtr. If a doctor finds something wrong with me, then she will have it also. I just remembered that she wanted me to have genetic testing. I asked her what would that prove when she can have her own genetic testing done . (Note: I am no contact with that daughter)

I'm glad to have this space to write out my own reasons, denials, arguments that I have inside my own head. Realizing that I am illogical, irrational, irresponsible about my own health. All of the reasons that I gave for not going for an annual check up seem silly, once I look at them.

I guess from my experiences why would you go to a Dr. when you are feeling OK, but then you won't go to a Dr when you feel sick, because you just want to stay in bed.

With cervical cancer the only reason I went to the Dr was because I was passing blood clots, 20- to 30 each time I was on the toilet. It still took me a year to go. I thought I was going through menopause. I was anemic when I finally went, they were talking about a blood transfusion.

I want to know what my #'s are. I want to know if I should change my diet. I want to know if there is a pill to stop the cramping in my legs, or a pill that can help me go to sleep at a reasonable time. I am usually up till 4:00 am. I'm awake all day, but I really wake up about 9:00pm. It's after 3 in the morning here, I should probably wind down now.

I also know that I have depression, was on many anti depressants, they don't work for me. Something in them that I only really get the side effects from them, just like I get side effects from anything to do with estrogen. Perhaps another reason why I don't want to see a Dr. I don't want to take pills.

Anyway, talk to you tomorrow, or later.

amy

Seren

Hi Amy!

What would you tell me? I'm diabetic. Would you tell me not to see a doctor because they're all quacks and could hurt me? If I had a drama-queen in my family, would you tell me not to go because if I do and the drama-queen finds out, then she would cause drama? So, I should go untreated to avoid drama? Would you tell me I'm not worth medical attention because of everything wrong that I've done in my past? Would you tell me that going to a doctor means that I'm weak?

Or...would you encourage me to take care of myself in the best way possible so that I will be around for others in my life? That the drama-queen in my world will just have to be a drama queen, and I don't have to let the guilt drive my actions and choices? That most doctors are good and competent and that going to a doctor is smart choice for self-care, not weak?

And if you would encourage me to care for myself....then you should encourage yourself.

You are just as worthy of care as anyone!

LifeChangeNYC

Ariesagain

Hugs back atacha...

You know, with my HMO I was able to select my PCP and they had bios online for all of them. I chose mine because she’s a PA, she’s a woman, has two kids and two rescue dogs. I like her, although I do wish she were older. Nobody understands menopause better than women who have been through it.

Find someone who looks like she would relate and then, if you can, be right up front with your emotional history as much as your medical one. “I am a domestic abuse survivor and have trouble trusting people as a result. I have avoided doctors for a long time because of my trauma history.”

The right person will be respectful of that and proceed slowly and with your consent. Try to get appointments right after lunch when they’re not as rushed.

Trust your instincts. You’ll know if this is a fit. With HMOs, the primary is the key to everything, as I found out the hard way.

You earned your autonomy at an enormous cost...it’s no wonder you’re protecting it now. But the right doctor will be an ally, not a threat.

Your pets need you...your family needs you. (Well, minus your DQ daughter, but she’s out of your life with goid reason.) You may well find that some of the things you think are age or permanent can in fact be remedied, and wouldn’t that be great?

You got this.

hopeful4

My dear friend, just go to the doctor. You will feel better when you take charge of this situation. You will also do things to keep any issues from getting worse.

My heart is with you. We love you and want you to take good care of yourself! I am not negating your fear of the doctor, however, I know you are one strong woman. Your strength has always amazed me, and encouraged me.

I know you would tell me the same if I were in this situation! Keep posting, you are not alone, we will walk with you always!

SmallButMighty

Hi Amy. I hadn't had a regular doctor for years either. Just last month I rectified that. Having moved in 2016 to the U.S. (from Canada) I can tell you I was intimidated and petrified of the American medical machine. Gosh it's so much more complicated and expensive here. It was scary and defeating trying to find one that suited me that also took my insurance. Not something I'd ever had to before... but after almost three years here I knew I had to buckle down and just do it already. I'm not a spring chicken anymore and that's getting more and more apparent.

I loved the doctor I had as a young woman, but shortly after my last baby was born in 1998, he moved. I got handed over to one of the other doctors in the practice. He was a man older then myself with a Napoleon complex and a very condescending air about him, he was always rushed, appointments lasted all of about three minutes. I tried a different doctor, a woman younger than myself and she was also very condescending but at least she didn't shove me out the door quite so quickly. I ended up learning who the doctors were at my local walk in clinic and would go there when one of the two I actually liked were in. It was not a perfect situation, but it was better. But you don't develop any kind of doctor patient trust relationship in that scenario so there were things I just didn't address. Important things. Then I moved and went three more years without any medical attention what so ever.

I finally managed to find a doctor I thought I might like and got an initial intake appointment set up. I was shocked to find out it was to be a two hour appointment! I kind of chuckled to myself because I didn't think I would have two hours of things to discuss with the doctor. I'm relatively healthy, I was taking no medication for anything, I walk 30+ miles a week for exercise, and I only had a few little concerns I wanted to address. I was his last appointment of the day...good thing... because I was there for FOUR HOURS.

I have never in my life had a doctor be so thorough with me. He really got to know me in that time, he asked important things. He got information out of me I didn't even realize was important medical things for him to know. He connected one aspect of my sleep patterns with something I have suffered with my entire life. He asked about emotional health as well as mental health. He paid a lot of attention when I talked about my family's multi-generational mess of alcoholism and codependence...and he seems to have a lot of knowledge on addiction and codependence too. He did a thorough physical exam. I have never had a doctor listen to the veins/arteries my legs with a stethoscope before! He sent me for blood work and we just went over that last week. My follow up appointment was much shorter, only an hour this time instead of four. I have some chronic issues I didn't ever think would be "fixable" but it looks like we are going to work together to find some solutions that will be better than me just "living with it" like I have been for so long. I don't think I just found a new doctor, I think I found an actual healer, someone who cares about whole mind and body wellness. I am so grateful for that.

Anyways, that was my long winded way of saying, I found it very challenging to get my butt to the doctor, but now that I have, I am damn glad that I did. I think there are lots of reasons and some fears that keep us from seeking medical attention. I also know for me, part of it is my codie tendency to think," I'm the one that takes care of other people, there isn't anything wrong with me!" It's a personal flaw, I know it, I'm working on it... I've learned I can't take responsibility for or fix others' lives for them... and now I am at the part where I'm learning it's OK to be the one to take help, it doesn't make me weak...

I hope you find a doctor(s) to partner with in keeping you healthy Amy. You are a precious part of many lives and I want you to be around for a long time to come. xo

Ariesagain

One other thing...your legs swelling and that pain can be all kinds of things, many of them easy to treat. It’s not necessarily the DVT.

You’re an amazingly strong person. You can handle this...remember, you are the customer in this situation.

Zevin

Ok, ok....I'll find a periodontist, Amy.
And that Cat Stevens song is beautiful!! Perfect for this situation.
Thanks!

amy55

I didn't want to come back here until I found a Doctor. I did. My appt is for July 8th. I made an appt for right after their lunch. Thanks Ariesagain. I tried so hard yesterday to do this, and I got panic attacks, I finally just picked up the phone today before they hit and I made that appt.

I posted this here because I know I was being irrational and that I needed people to push me to do this. It's like of course I would tell someone else that they should see a Doctor. I was taking care of a 90 yr old man about 8 years ago, he didn't want to go to a Dr. I scheduled the appts, and I took him to the appts. I made him take his meds, he took a lot and at different times of the day. I set him up with the right meds and put them in packages and labeled the day and when he should take them, morning, noon, dinner or night. If I wasn't seeing him at the time he would need to take the meds, I would call him, and I wouldn't get off the phone till he took them. He was very stubborn, a lot like me. He was Polish also, (lol), and he was stubborn, but I was more stubborn. He used to empty all of his pills into a candy dish and only take the ones that he liked to take.

I do think my biggest problem is that I am embarrassed about how long it's taking me to do this, and with having a medical condition, that I never followed through with it.

Forward, and onward. Next, need to make an appt with a dentist, then a periodontist, next ob/gyn, next eye doctor, then perhaps a vascular doctor. The reason why for a vascular doctor is because I had the DVT in 2000. That's a long time ago. Most PCP's didn't deal with this, and I was told by a vascular surgeon that they did thrombolytic surgery and they couldn't break up the blood clot that I will always suffer with this. Perhaps in 19 years things have changed.

Zevin, I'm glad you like that song. I play it each time I get into my car.

Cat Stevens lyrics,

I buy the nicest things from a super market store
Vitamin land and marzipan and I know just what they're all for
I've organized my useless life in a way I've never done before
Even visit the dentist now
But I've got no time for silly chitter chatter
I'm on my way
Cause while my blood's still warm and my mind doesn't matter
I'm hoping to stay
'Cause I've got a thing about seeing my grandson grow old

(((((((((hugs, and thank you for pushing me)))))))))
amy

LovePeaceSushi

Amy, I'm behind on my dr's appointments too. You're right in your approach: just pick up the phone and make yourself do it!

Ariesagain