Amaranth

Yesterday my husband's girlfriend took her own life. I heard this afternoon from a neighbour. My reaction was to go and find my husband (in the bar) to tell him I love him and am there for him if he needs anything. Then I went to our house to see my kids.

I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know what role to play. Should I be stepping right back? I don't feel like doing that. Neither do I feel like moving back in to be mum and make everything OK.

I'm so worried about my husband's mental state. I worry.

I think I'm in shock. I feel like I should do something but I don't know what to do.

I'm looping

Ariesagain

Deep breaths, yes?

You can’t fix this or make it not true. And getting involved again will only drag you down. Here’s the link to your first thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ds-health.html (worried about my husband's health)

My hope is this might help you remember why this situation is what it is.

Your compassion is remarkable. But by comforting him it may have opened a door you closed for very good and healthy reasons.

I think I get it, I really do. It’s hard to break the nurturing habits of a lifetime, even when they’ve grown dysfunctional in keeping us tethered to a toxic relationship. Been there. Lots of tee shirts!

He’s an adult, not a child. This is a situation that is his to handle, yes?

Wishing you peace of mind...

SparkleKitty

I think you have already done what is appropriate for you to do. Sending you strength and clarity.

trailmix

Yes, I think it was very kind of you to reach out. I do agree though that getting any further involved could be a slippery slope.

Sasha1972

I am very sorry to hear about your husband's girlfriend. However I don't see that anything good could come of you going to him to offer support. You do not have any role to play here.

Perhaps some part of you unconsciously sees this an opportunity (maybe a final opportunity) to "rescue" him from himself?

It is really painful to sit back and do nothing while someone self-destructs, but I think all the other options ("being there" for him, offering emotional and practical support, etc) are worse.

PeacefulWater12

You have expressed your compassion to him, perhaps now you need to step back and let him deal with the situation.

Take care of yourself.

Amaranth

Thank you for the replies. I agree that stepping back would be the best thing to do then I think about my kids (who are teenagers) and living with their dad. They're not really old enough to deal with this on their own. As their mother I should be there for them. But I can see how difficult that would be for their dad.

I'm going to go there today. I have a fridge in my car for them that I had arranged with my husband last week that I would take up today. I was also supposed to be picking up the marriage certificate. I have got a lawyer now and my husband and I have been communicating quite well over the last few weeks. We had the property valued and have been discussing how to move on with the divorce.

I still want to take the fridge because theirs is broken. I won't mention the marriage certificate of course. I guess I put the divorce on hold for now.

It feels like such a fine line to walk between abandoning my kids and making the situation worse.

I'm also aware that I do still have a massive urge to rescue him from himself. But that won't make me withhold the fridge from the kids.

still looping

Amaranth

OK now I feel like I've done my bit. I took the fridge and a bag of shopping to spare him the stress of going to town for food today. I saw my kids.

I am backing out now. His denial is mind boggling. His take on the situation puts him squarely as the victim, just like he did when I was in hospital with cancer. I have had thoughts about my husband I did not enjoy today. I'm finding it hard to feel love for him. I find myself wondering what kind of person he actually is.

I don't like these thoughts. He has plenty to do now dealing with his girlfriend's daughter and the funeral etc. He has his bar friends around him, they are already organising the wake. He does not need me.

I'm going to check in with my kids by phone every day but my husband must find his own way in the world without me now. I could see the massive enabler shaped void in his life today that I could easily slip into. I'm not going there.

My kids know I'm here for them. There is food at my house, it is clean, they know they are welcome. That's all I can do for now.

Thank you for getting me through a tough 24 hours

Eauchiche

Dear Amaranth
If we were alcoholics instead of codependents, would we be able to go sit in a bar around alcohol and remain sober? Not for very long.
As codependents, we are addicted to the people who use alcohol.

I TOTALLY understand your desire to help. I have a lot of personal experience. Fortunately, I have two qualifying families that are so toxic, they help to keep me on the straight and narrow.

I am starting to see more and more that what I do for them is a waste.
Hang in there!!!

Ariesagain

Glad you’re feeling better. I guess better isn’t exactly the right word...more detached?

Are you ahead with the divorce now? It’s quite likely your ex will now escalate his drinking. You may need to step in to protect your kids and a court mandated order might be a big help, not mention separating your finances.

Wishing you well.

Amaranth

I decided I'm not going to think about the divorce until July. I have some paperwork to pick up tomorrow, I will still do that but it feels so callous pushing on with the divorce at the moment.

So I will wait and see how he behaves over the next couple of weeks. I am taking the kids to my parents in 10 days time. One is staying on for the summer with a friend. Me and the other are staying on for a week or two.

I see this as a very dangerous time for my husband to be alone. I was worried he might be suicidal but after seeing him today I've let go of that worry.

I will just keep my head down and see what he does over the next few weeks.

hopeful4

Sending you a big hug, what a bad situation!

Ariesagain

You are a very empathetic person. Sometimes that’s an incredible gift and sometimes it’s a handicap because it’s too easy to assume that we know what others are feeling when they’re not.

My point is, your husband may not be all that upset, although it’s a great excuse to drink more. His primary relationship at this point is with alcohol.

At least figure out how to protect your equity? I have a distant relative whose soon-to-be ex killed himself right before the divorce hearing. He left no will and her name was not on the house deed. It was a MESS because his kids from a prior marriage showed up and moved into the house without her knowing.

Hope for the best. Ask your lawyer how to plan for the worst, yes?

trailmix

Personally I wouldn't be worried about him for a minute, just about the kids. They are around him all the time. They are being taught to be codependents.

I'm glad you're not but that only leaves your kids.

Not a good reason but you will probably get blamed for this down the road. Why didn't you talk us out of living there? Why didn't you have him attend AA or rehab. We were too young to be looking after an alcoholic.

Just a head's up. While I haven't been down that road in an alcoholic relationship - well suffice to say, they aren't as grown up as they seem.

I also know that getting a teen to do anything is sometimes next to impossible since they know everything lol.

Since, realistically, you cannot really force them to do anything, at the very least I would have a long talk with them about all of this, perhaps while you are away on your trip. Let them know that they are too young to be dealing with all of this and the environment with their Dad is very unhealthy for them to be around.

May not produce a change but at least they know where you stand.

Amaranth

Our assets are very simple. House and farm, both our names on deeds, no joint bank accounts. I'm not worried about that.

The kids, yes, they are too young to be dealing with this. A couple of weeks ago one of them told me that if I could have held on another year at home, they would have stood up for me. He said they were too young and a year on he understands so much more and wouldn't have let his dad speak to me like that.

Unfortunately , they don't like to hear what I have to say at the moment, apparently that's to be expected from teenage boys. I have to wait for them to initiate these conversations. Hopefully the trip to my parents will allow the space for that.

I am totally distancing myself from my husband now. His wife (me) left him because of his drunken verbal and emotional abuse. Five months later he gets into a drunken drug fueled relationship that is toxic and abusive from both sides. A year later she has decided to end her life.
He sees himself as a victim and sees no connection between these two events. I fear he is completely possessed now and the man I fell in love with is no longer there in his body. He is totally unable to see his part in any of this and I will not communicate with him for now. Anything I say to him just now I will surely live to regret.

trailmix

I really hope so and even if not, I would force the conversation, just say you want to make a statement, it doesn't even have to be a back and forth.

What your child said above is just the beginning of the "if she had" - notice no one said - if he had quit drinking and pulled himself together then perhaps - .

Now, I say this not just for you (although it will save you a lot of discussions and hurt down the road) it's for them too. Later on there will be a bunch of second guessing. He is the "victim", they are the caretakers and you are the one who bailed. None of this will be so clear 10 years down the road. Unless you make the statement that you cannot continue to enable his alcoholism and live with an active alcoholic and you would like them to come and live with you for those same reasons - it tends to get jumbled up later on.

AnvilheadII

A couple of weeks ago one of them told me that if I could have held on another year at home, they would have stood up for me. He said they were too young and a year on he understands so much more and wouldn't have let his dad speak to me like that.

that is not a job for a child. even a teenaged one. a child should never feel forced to take sides, or feel forced to defend one parent over the other. i hope that is expressed to him. HE is not your protector, you are supposed to be HIS........

hopeful4

This.
Even if kids cannot see the why behind what you are doing now, they will eventually. Don' t doubt yourself.

Amaranth

"HE is not your protector, you are supposed to be HIS"

yes this a very hard one for me. When I left it was to force the issue of the drinking. I would never have been able to get the kids to leave with me and the place I ended up was so tiny but just next door. Then I got ill and couldn't physically protect them. I have been physically unable (due to hospital and surgery) to look after my kids 6 months out of the year my husband was with his girlfriend. Circumstances just caused me to slip further and further away. And he wasn't there for them either. He has been on a massive year long party that has ended in tears.

I am working on my guilt that I feel for not being there. How to protect them now? I am working with one on college plans in the nearest city for next year. I will apply for funding for him. The other? I think he will go somewhere under his own steam. He doesn't want my input just now.

NYCDoglvr

Yes, definitely step back. There's nothing you can do or say that will make the situation better; only worse if you get involved.