better handling of today's hurdle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
better handling of today's hurdle
Today I spent with DS. AH (who's been staying at his mom's house the last week, after having to leave SL due to slipping up--he confessed to the SL house, which I give him credit for)...today AH said he was going to an 8 pm AA meeting, and would swing by the house to say hello to DS before going back to his parents'.
AH did the same brief visit, and by body language I knew he'd drank on the way to/from or both to AA. I told him I knew, he denied, I said "let's do the breathalyzer then". I told him if he wants to establish trust, he should be dying to blow into it, or more willing to. We calmly talked about about the fact he drank on the way to AA. I told him I do miss him living here, and he knows that, but we both know it won't work because the anger and tension will not help him stay sober.
He said his parents are going to help him get a 1 BR place nearby us, so he can have more stability (it's been inpatient, then SL x 3 months), which he thinks will help him. I get that--your own room and bed are helpful. The thing is, his parents don't realize (he said) that he's getting his drinks when he's off doing the meeting tonight. And whenever else too.
Tonight I calmly realized again that he is so entrenched in this that he really cannot or will not be getting out anytime soon. He told me that everything he does has always been linked to having a drink. I know that. I feel so badly for him. I guess this is what it means to love from afar. I guess his parents won't know unless I tell than about today's slipup, and they don't think it's healthy here, and he doesn't want to inconvenience them, so they want to help him with a deposit. He makes good money and is very functional and makes me question my sanity over how "bad" his addiction is. I just told him that his dream of having overnights with DS, once he "gets his own place", after today when he's drinking during his AA outing, are pretty much a non-starter and I wasn't sure SoberLink could even cover that one. I mentioned that being the alcohol police is horrible for us both. Earlier, he'd been saying "I don't want to blow, I just want to come here and get along..." Well, he told me a month ago he needs solid accountability, so to see DS that's what I will be dealing out (and not thrilled to do it, either). What a mess. Thanks for letting me get this out. Without this community, I don't know where I'd be, honestly. This is tough stuff that in no way should ever be attempted alone. Much love...
AH did the same brief visit, and by body language I knew he'd drank on the way to/from or both to AA. I told him I knew, he denied, I said "let's do the breathalyzer then". I told him if he wants to establish trust, he should be dying to blow into it, or more willing to. We calmly talked about about the fact he drank on the way to AA. I told him I do miss him living here, and he knows that, but we both know it won't work because the anger and tension will not help him stay sober.
He said his parents are going to help him get a 1 BR place nearby us, so he can have more stability (it's been inpatient, then SL x 3 months), which he thinks will help him. I get that--your own room and bed are helpful. The thing is, his parents don't realize (he said) that he's getting his drinks when he's off doing the meeting tonight. And whenever else too.
Tonight I calmly realized again that he is so entrenched in this that he really cannot or will not be getting out anytime soon. He told me that everything he does has always been linked to having a drink. I know that. I feel so badly for him. I guess this is what it means to love from afar. I guess his parents won't know unless I tell than about today's slipup, and they don't think it's healthy here, and he doesn't want to inconvenience them, so they want to help him with a deposit. He makes good money and is very functional and makes me question my sanity over how "bad" his addiction is. I just told him that his dream of having overnights with DS, once he "gets his own place", after today when he's drinking during his AA outing, are pretty much a non-starter and I wasn't sure SoberLink could even cover that one. I mentioned that being the alcohol police is horrible for us both. Earlier, he'd been saying "I don't want to blow, I just want to come here and get along..." Well, he told me a month ago he needs solid accountability, so to see DS that's what I will be dealing out (and not thrilled to do it, either). What a mess. Thanks for letting me get this out. Without this community, I don't know where I'd be, honestly. This is tough stuff that in no way should ever be attempted alone. Much love...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Wow. It's just so complex, and I agree - I'd be lost without this forum.
You are doing a great job of protecting DS and yourself.
His sands are shifting. It is so very hard to see someone doing this to themselves. Don't second guess it - he has clearly admitted he has a significant alcohol problem.
Stay strong.
Resign from the alcohol police job. It is exhausting, pays poorly, the hours and long and there are no meal breaks. And forget about holiday leave!!
I'm sorry you need to go through this. Keep posting. X
You are doing a great job of protecting DS and yourself.
His sands are shifting. It is so very hard to see someone doing this to themselves. Don't second guess it - he has clearly admitted he has a significant alcohol problem.
Stay strong.
Resign from the alcohol police job. It is exhausting, pays poorly, the hours and long and there are no meal breaks. And forget about holiday leave!!
I'm sorry you need to go through this. Keep posting. X
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
clarity888, you are handling this well, don't ever doubt it. There is nothing straight forward about this, one minute he is seeking recovery and living at sober living, the next he has to leave and stay at his parents because he is drinking.
One minute he says, I want solid accountability! A month later he doesn't want to blow in the breathalyzer he just wants to get along.
Sadly, these are not "slip ups" he has never stopped drinking. He's not in recovery, he's just drinking. Unfortunately I'm thinking he wants his own place so he can drink freely alone.
More will be revealed.
But again, you are in choppy waters here and the sands keep shifting, you are doing amazingly well, protecting yourself and your child.
One minute he says, I want solid accountability! A month later he doesn't want to blow in the breathalyzer he just wants to get along.
Sadly, these are not "slip ups" he has never stopped drinking. He's not in recovery, he's just drinking. Unfortunately I'm thinking he wants his own place so he can drink freely alone.
More will be revealed.
But again, you are in choppy waters here and the sands keep shifting, you are doing amazingly well, protecting yourself and your child.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Clarity.....I agree that you would be better off if you resigned your alcohol police job.....lol.....
You already knew that he was drinking...so there was no use in doing the whole breathalizer deal. He knew he was drinking, also....
You both knew he was drinking.....ao what was the point? It was just wasted energy and extra stress for you to get into the argument about it....
It is said, over and over on this forum...but, it bears saying, again, I think.....
Active alcoholics will drink....that is what alcoholics do....Do not be surprised.
Acoholics will deny (lie) the drinking. Do not be surprised...…
Your husband has the disease of alcoholism. He is under control of the disease. He is not as functional as you think,,,,he is holding on for dear life by his fingernails. Just because he still has a job and earns a salary does not make a person functional. He has a war going on inside h is own head...and, it doesn't have much of anything to do with you....
Of course, he is probably trying to pull the wool over his parents eyes...again, that is what alcoholics do. Don't worry too much about what they know or don't know....as the truth will bubble up....and, they will find out the truth, as things unfold....without your "help". By being in the middle of the triangle between your husband and his parents...you just set your own self up for resentments from both sides!!
You have so much going on with your son and your father's condition, etc....you have more than enough on your plate. The more you can stay on your side of the street.....the more restful it will be for you...
I think you need to unload a lot of the burdens off your shoulders.....It is a terrible drain on your energies and mental health.....
You can't control everything....
You already knew that he was drinking...so there was no use in doing the whole breathalizer deal. He knew he was drinking, also....
You both knew he was drinking.....ao what was the point? It was just wasted energy and extra stress for you to get into the argument about it....
It is said, over and over on this forum...but, it bears saying, again, I think.....
Active alcoholics will drink....that is what alcoholics do....Do not be surprised.
Acoholics will deny (lie) the drinking. Do not be surprised...…
Your husband has the disease of alcoholism. He is under control of the disease. He is not as functional as you think,,,,he is holding on for dear life by his fingernails. Just because he still has a job and earns a salary does not make a person functional. He has a war going on inside h is own head...and, it doesn't have much of anything to do with you....
Of course, he is probably trying to pull the wool over his parents eyes...again, that is what alcoholics do. Don't worry too much about what they know or don't know....as the truth will bubble up....and, they will find out the truth, as things unfold....without your "help". By being in the middle of the triangle between your husband and his parents...you just set your own self up for resentments from both sides!!
You have so much going on with your son and your father's condition, etc....you have more than enough on your plate. The more you can stay on your side of the street.....the more restful it will be for you...
I think you need to unload a lot of the burdens off your shoulders.....It is a terrible drain on your energies and mental health.....
You can't control everything....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Clarity
You are doing SO much better than I did early in my recovery. In hindsight, the fact I left at all was a miracle.
Then, I got the bright idea to stage an "intervention." I called my ex's sister trying to set one up. She called him instead and told him abut my call.
I was SO codependent. Still recovering by the Grace of God.
You are doing SO much better than I did early in my recovery. In hindsight, the fact I left at all was a miracle.
Then, I got the bright idea to stage an "intervention." I called my ex's sister trying to set one up. She called him instead and told him abut my call.
I was SO codependent. Still recovering by the Grace of God.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
which he thinks will help him
well in-patient was supposed to "help" him
sober living environment was supposed to "help" him
attending AA was supposed to "help" him
how's that working out?? he's in the shallow end of the pool with no less than 12 flotation devices bobbing around him......what he IS NOT doing is grabbing on to any one of them and kicking his legs as he aims towards the steps to get out.
well in-patient was supposed to "help" him
sober living environment was supposed to "help" him
attending AA was supposed to "help" him
how's that working out?? he's in the shallow end of the pool with no less than 12 flotation devices bobbing around him......what he IS NOT doing is grabbing on to any one of them and kicking his legs as he aims towards the steps to get out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Just to clarify, I asked him if he'd blow or tell me so that I would know that I'm not "just crazy"...I am still haunted by doubt over what's really going on, and he likely was not legally intoxicated last night, so it was harder to tell. I needed to know if last Saturday's incident was continuing on, and it is...
Mainly I felt like I must know because now I'm once again stuck with "how do I protect DS"; can I ever leave them alone together? AH told me last week that he would "use SL whenever I see DS", after he mentioned getting his own place and doing overnights. Fine, alright. This is what I mean by being the "alcohol police"--I will HAVE to do the SoberLink thing to allow DS to see AH unsupervised. Unless I try to cut off their relationship, which I don't see happening (I would never want to do that).
It's very hard, but I will take the advice not to mention the drinking while going to AA to his parents. It's just not going to make much difference either way, very true. I am sure they would still like to give him the help to at least try living in his own place.
Mainly I felt like I must know because now I'm once again stuck with "how do I protect DS"; can I ever leave them alone together? AH told me last week that he would "use SL whenever I see DS", after he mentioned getting his own place and doing overnights. Fine, alright. This is what I mean by being the "alcohol police"--I will HAVE to do the SoberLink thing to allow DS to see AH unsupervised. Unless I try to cut off their relationship, which I don't see happening (I would never want to do that).
It's very hard, but I will take the advice not to mention the drinking while going to AA to his parents. It's just not going to make much difference either way, very true. I am sure they would still like to give him the help to at least try living in his own place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you would NOT be cutting off their relationship.....HE would (is) by continuing to drink. his choice - his consequences.
try to change your thinking a bit from a drinking "incident" to he's still drinking, period.
prime example, he asked to see his child the other night. after attending an AA meeting. but when he showed up, he had consumed alcohol. that is all on HIM. he cannot be trusted. he is unwilling to do whatever it takes.
if you found out the babysitter had been drinking before coming over to watch the kid, would you let him/her watch the child? and would you even consider giving them "a chance" to be in charge of your child unsupervised EVER again? just because he has the title of Dad doesn't give him any special passes that you wouldn't expect from a hired child care provider.
try to change your thinking a bit from a drinking "incident" to he's still drinking, period.
prime example, he asked to see his child the other night. after attending an AA meeting. but when he showed up, he had consumed alcohol. that is all on HIM. he cannot be trusted. he is unwilling to do whatever it takes.
if you found out the babysitter had been drinking before coming over to watch the kid, would you let him/her watch the child? and would you even consider giving them "a chance" to be in charge of your child unsupervised EVER again? just because he has the title of Dad doesn't give him any special passes that you wouldn't expect from a hired child care provider.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I think it’s not really fair to say he should be treated like a daycare provider. Not because I care about his feelings but that’s just not how the law sees it. Unfortunately, you either have to be the alcohol police, find a way for the court to do it, or ignore the threat to your children. This is my problem too and I hate it but I just don’t think it’s useful to treat fathers with legal rights like hired help intellectually when if you treat them like that in real life you could be be deep s******.
i’m sorry for your situation clarity. That is great he is agreeing to use sober link anyway. Assuming he actually does. I have been pretty shocked the few times I have breathalyzed my ex at how astronomical the numbers were. Because he has always drank so heavily I would never have guessed that he was walking around and talking with a .27, and yet I have seen that in the last few days. It really helps w the “am I imagining this?!” Part of my brain since he is directly lying to my face about the fact he is relapsing.
i’m sorry for your situation clarity. That is great he is agreeing to use sober link anyway. Assuming he actually does. I have been pretty shocked the few times I have breathalyzed my ex at how astronomical the numbers were. Because he has always drank so heavily I would never have guessed that he was walking around and talking with a .27, and yet I have seen that in the last few days. It really helps w the “am I imagining this?!” Part of my brain since he is directly lying to my face about the fact he is relapsing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i was not saying to TREAT him as if he is merely hired help - but that the same MINIMUM expectations should be met. if you would not let the drunk or drinking babysitter be in charge of watching over your precious children, why would expectations and boundaries of appropriate state of being in order to have children in your guardianship unsupervised be the different??
also.....i would hope the hired help would be treated with fairness, respect and value. and not be considered lesser than or less deserving of simple civility and equity.
also.....i would hope the hired help would be treated with fairness, respect and value. and not be considered lesser than or less deserving of simple civility and equity.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Some ESH
Hi there. I wanted to share what happened to me when I did reach out to my Q' s mom about his drinking, my fears, etc.
I thought I was confiding in someone who would understand my focus in protecting my minor child. I thought I would have an ally, someone who also loves the Q deeply, and could stand up against The Bottle as a common threat.
Alas, I found a mother so entrenched in their FOO dynamic, one who blindly loves her son and in protection of her own part in his issues, that I became Enemy #1 and my son was left ignored and resented. She refused to attend al-anon with me or on her own, however she thought it was a good idea if I went.
I hope my story helps you see that people we love and trust can and will get twisted in this disease in wholly unpredictable ways.
I thought I was confiding in someone who would understand my focus in protecting my minor child. I thought I would have an ally, someone who also loves the Q deeply, and could stand up against The Bottle as a common threat.
Alas, I found a mother so entrenched in their FOO dynamic, one who blindly loves her son and in protection of her own part in his issues, that I became Enemy #1 and my son was left ignored and resented. She refused to attend al-anon with me or on her own, however she thought it was a good idea if I went.
I hope my story helps you see that people we love and trust can and will get twisted in this disease in wholly unpredictable ways.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Here is how it went with my XAH.
I kicked him out of the house. We played nice for a while, I allowed him to come over and visit kids, etc. He was living w/a family member. He then moved into his own apartment fairly near me. He fell apart completely and drank like a fish. He then met a woman who had went through a bitter and nasty divorce. She was the catalyst to him not working together for what is safe for the kids and shifted his attitude to "his rights" as a father. I personally don't think you get any rights when you are drinking around your kids and putting them in danger. He ended up marrying this woman and it has been a real challenge.
The reason I am even saying all of this is that I will continue to tell people, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Don't cover for him. Keep the focus on you and your children and what is best for them every step of the way.
Sending big hugs.
I kicked him out of the house. We played nice for a while, I allowed him to come over and visit kids, etc. He was living w/a family member. He then moved into his own apartment fairly near me. He fell apart completely and drank like a fish. He then met a woman who had went through a bitter and nasty divorce. She was the catalyst to him not working together for what is safe for the kids and shifted his attitude to "his rights" as a father. I personally don't think you get any rights when you are drinking around your kids and putting them in danger. He ended up marrying this woman and it has been a real challenge.
The reason I am even saying all of this is that I will continue to tell people, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Don't cover for him. Keep the focus on you and your children and what is best for them every step of the way.
Sending big hugs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
