Day 10, honesty and lies
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Day 10, honesty and lies
Today I begin day 10 despite the drinking-related messes I have to sort out (there are many but job mostly) I am feeling good. I mean actually good. Sleep is back to normal and I can feel the difference between drunk sleep and actual sleep already.
I used to think the extended sleep I got from being drunk was restful. It isn't.
The honesty part. I am being honest with myself after five years where I ignored medical advice and getting offended by other people making me think "I might as well". I am being honest with those people I still have left in my life (the number has become very small).
The lies. Again to myself. Someone told me "all addicts lie". But some of the lies I told other beggar belief. Bottles hidden everywhere from my now-gone partner. I even kept a bottle in the toilet cistern. The "water bottle" I took to work never contained water. Going "for lunch" which meant buying a ready mix can of vodka and finding some corner or alleyway to chug it then going back. "Have you been drinking?" Me: "I was at a birthday party last night". The walk home, immediately buy a bottle of vodka, find various places along the way to take a swig where people couldn't see me. By the time I got home I was halfway to my goal of being wasted. The lengths I went to hide the obvious...
I used to think the extended sleep I got from being drunk was restful. It isn't.
The honesty part. I am being honest with myself after five years where I ignored medical advice and getting offended by other people making me think "I might as well". I am being honest with those people I still have left in my life (the number has become very small).
The lies. Again to myself. Someone told me "all addicts lie". But some of the lies I told other beggar belief. Bottles hidden everywhere from my now-gone partner. I even kept a bottle in the toilet cistern. The "water bottle" I took to work never contained water. Going "for lunch" which meant buying a ready mix can of vodka and finding some corner or alleyway to chug it then going back. "Have you been drinking?" Me: "I was at a birthday party last night". The walk home, immediately buy a bottle of vodka, find various places along the way to take a swig where people couldn't see me. By the time I got home I was halfway to my goal of being wasted. The lengths I went to hide the obvious...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
For us, lying was the core of operations for everything we did. How else would we have been able to do what we did, right?
I can relate to that alleyway/street corner. Mine was a hidden corner of the store where I'd get the beers from. The distance from the store to my home is like a 100 m straight shot. When I bought more beer that I could chug behind the corner, sometimes I'd turn right or left, keep walking until I got to another patch of forest. The beer had settled by then. It wasn't difficult for people to figure out why a 15-20 minute trip to the store often ended up being 50 mins to an hour...
I can relate to that alleyway/street corner. Mine was a hidden corner of the store where I'd get the beers from. The distance from the store to my home is like a 100 m straight shot. When I bought more beer that I could chug behind the corner, sometimes I'd turn right or left, keep walking until I got to another patch of forest. The beer had settled by then. It wasn't difficult for people to figure out why a 15-20 minute trip to the store often ended up being 50 mins to an hour...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
I relate to this very much. The lies I told myself and others just to keep on drinking, we’re awful. But now for me, living sober, living a daily amends, most of the those people I lied too are in my life and seeing me change. I realized pretty quick all the bridges I burned and how no one trusted me anymore, so the only way to change that was staying sober and getting honest. It’s freeing!! You got this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by kk1k5x 
For us, lying was the core of operations for everything we did. How else would we have been able to do what we did, right?
I can relate to that alleyway/street corner. Mine was a hidden corner of the store where I'd get the beers from. The distance from the store to my home is like a 100 m straight shot. When I bought more beer that I could chug behind the corner, sometimes I'd turn right or left, keep walking until I got to another patch of forest. The beer had settled by then. It wasn't difficult for people to figure out why a 15-20 minute trip to the store often ended up being 50 mins to an hour...
I can relate to that alleyway/street corner. Mine was a hidden corner of the store where I'd get the beers from. The distance from the store to my home is like a 100 m straight shot. When I bought more beer that I could chug behind the corner, sometimes I'd turn right or left, keep walking until I got to another patch of forest. The beer had settled by then. It wasn't difficult for people to figure out why a 15-20 minute trip to the store often ended up being 50 mins to an hour...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by kiki26
I relate to this very much. The lies I told myself and others just to keep on drinking, we’re awful. But now for me, living sober, living a daily amends, most of the those people I lied too are in my life and seeing me change. I realized pretty quick all the bridges I burned and how no one trusted me anymore, so the only way to change that was staying sober and getting honest. It’s freeing!! You got this!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 290
Your post reminded me of all the lies and alibis we live in when we're drinking. Even now as I think of getting back together with some people I find myself putting together some kind of story about a "different work schedule" to explain my absence. It might not be a "total lie", but it sure isn't the total truth. And the alcoholic life adds this clutter and baggage to so many situations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by BrianK
Your post reminded me of all the lies and alibis we live in when we're drinking. Even now as I think of getting back together with some people I find myself putting together some kind of story about a "different work schedule" to explain my absence. It might not be a "total lie", but it sure isn't the total truth. And the alcoholic life adds this clutter and baggage to so many situations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I relate to this.
We have to lie to ourselves as what we are doing is so destructive to both ourselves and those around us.
We have to lie to ourselves as what we are doing is so destructive to both ourselves and those around us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
I've been there many times as well. I'm in my 15 month sober but recently memories of the places I lied and hid and drank or passed out or was recovering from a horrible hangover seem to be presenting themselves to me. Gives me a chill up my spine to think life of the shame and pain that I lived with for so many years. But there is a way out. And it's so much of a better or beautiful peaceful and enriched life. Good work on your sober time. Keep it moving.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
