How do you or DO you EVEN talk to your Q about their recovery?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Englewood
Posts: 76
How do you or DO you EVEN talk to your Q about their recovery?
So after a few conversations with my AH, and me reiterating that my boundary was that he be in active recovery he went to an A.A. meeting and cracked open the book on sobriety that he’d purchased a few days ago.
More new territory. And I am trying so hard to take it day by day. Our communication right now is awful and non existent. He’s been dealing with unemployment and a failed business and it’s really dealt him an excruciating blow.
So, how does one-or does one even- talk to an alcoholic about their recovery?
I would like to talk to him about his recovery- alanon and thinking about recovery and the tenets have helped me- but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to really talk about anything- which is alienating and frustrating but a slightly different issue.
More new territory. And I am trying so hard to take it day by day. Our communication right now is awful and non existent. He’s been dealing with unemployment and a failed business and it’s really dealt him an excruciating blow.
So, how does one-or does one even- talk to an alcoholic about their recovery?
I would like to talk to him about his recovery- alanon and thinking about recovery and the tenets have helped me- but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to really talk about anything- which is alienating and frustrating but a slightly different issue.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Thursdays...I would not suggest talking to him about his recovery. It will just come back and bite you on the backside. It is not your role...his recovery is a personal journey and belongs on his side of the street....
Your own recovery and welfare is on your own side of the street and that is all you need ….or should...be handling.
His recovery can be shared with his AA members and sponsor, as well as hos own counselors. They are not as subjective as you....and, they can give hism honest feedback.
You are trying to come between him and the alcohol...and, anyone who is doing that is considered to be the "enemy" and is resented...even if he never says it. An alcoholic can relate to other alcoholics better than anyone else.
All of this is above your pay grade, anyway...lol...
Your own recovery and welfare is on your own side of the street and that is all you need ….or should...be handling.
His recovery can be shared with his AA members and sponsor, as well as hos own counselors. They are not as subjective as you....and, they can give hism honest feedback.
You are trying to come between him and the alcohol...and, anyone who is doing that is considered to be the "enemy" and is resented...even if he never says it. An alcoholic can relate to other alcoholics better than anyone else.
All of this is above your pay grade, anyway...lol...
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Are you willing to work your own recovery from this side (friends/family) of the disease?
Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, etc.
My communication with my husband has changed in many ways and as my recovery gets stronger I keep having more tools and skills with this.
Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, etc.
My communication with my husband has changed in many ways and as my recovery gets stronger I keep having more tools and skills with this.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I echo DandyLion that you need to step away and let him get on with it (or not).
If you try and discuss it, it is likely to get twisted around and fired back at you.
Recovery works best if we all focus on ourselves and our own program.
Perhaps some lovely self care for yourself would be nice.
If you try and discuss it, it is likely to get twisted around and fired back at you.
Recovery works best if we all focus on ourselves and our own program.
Perhaps some lovely self care for yourself would be nice.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
What Dandylion said. If you try to talk with them about it, then you are perceived as the “bad guy.” I couldn’t understand that at the time because all I wanted to do was to help him (a very noble goal). The truth was that he never wanted help and wanted to drink. He continues to drink and suffer the consequences—and there have been many.
If he wants it, he will do it. If he doesn’t want it...then he won’t. That was the hardest part for me to understand and accept.
Mango says to concentrate on you and that’s the best advice, too. You go through a lot living with a A. You need to take care of you first and build your own resources for whatever comes next.
I wish you all the best.
If he wants it, he will do it. If he doesn’t want it...then he won’t. That was the hardest part for me to understand and accept.
Mango says to concentrate on you and that’s the best advice, too. You go through a lot living with a A. You need to take care of you first and build your own resources for whatever comes next.
I wish you all the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Englewood
Posts: 76
Thank you all so much. I didn’t go to a meeting last night (I should have) and it was much harder to get the rebalancing I needed. Now I’m in a holding pattern of “don’t know.” It is SO HARD. As an alanon, I’m so used to jumping into reaction and DOING. And the hardest thing is to Do Nothing. So hard and scary.
Thanks again for the responses. I will not talk to him about recovery, his or mine but try to put all that anxious energy I feel into doing nothing. It’s loke exercising a very weak muscle group. Stronger with practice.
Thanks again for the responses. I will not talk to him about recovery, his or mine but try to put all that anxious energy I feel into doing nothing. It’s loke exercising a very weak muscle group. Stronger with practice.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I know it's hard when you see someone you love struggling and unwell. It's natural that you want to help your loved one. I have certainly been there! I tried for years to fix my AXH, nothing I ever did ever got him into real recovery ( I probably have permanent dents in my skull from banging my head against that brick wall for so long) so I finally learned the only person's life I could control was my own.
The part I quoted here from you sounds more like a rule for him, rather than a boundary for yourself. Rules and boundaries are different. Telling somebody they must behave in a way that you want them to, is a rule.
rule: "If you want to stay married to me you need to stop drinking."
boundary: "I don't want to live with active addiction in my life, if my spouse doesn't work hard at recovery I will leave."
Boundaries don't have to be spoken out loud to anyone really. If he wants to get sober and live a life in recovery, he will do that no matter what you are or are not doing for your own life. It took me a long time to finally understand that concept. I had spent so many years tangled up in the chaos and I thought it was my job as wife to have to stay involved. It didn't ever actually help him straighten up and it certainly was awful for my own health.
I think that it is great you are willing to go to alanon. Please keep going. Also there is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie which is an excellent source of information about setting and maintaining boundaries and so much more. It was invaluable to me on my journey to getting my own life back on track. I am also glad you are talking things out with us, I hope you hang around!
Originally Posted by Thursdays 
So after a few conversations with my AH, and me reiterating that my boundary was that he be in active recovery
rule: "If you want to stay married to me you need to stop drinking."
boundary: "I don't want to live with active addiction in my life, if my spouse doesn't work hard at recovery I will leave."
Boundaries don't have to be spoken out loud to anyone really. If he wants to get sober and live a life in recovery, he will do that no matter what you are or are not doing for your own life. It took me a long time to finally understand that concept. I had spent so many years tangled up in the chaos and I thought it was my job as wife to have to stay involved. It didn't ever actually help him straighten up and it certainly was awful for my own health.
I think that it is great you are willing to go to alanon. Please keep going. Also there is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie which is an excellent source of information about setting and maintaining boundaries and so much more. It was invaluable to me on my journey to getting my own life back on track. I am also glad you are talking things out with us, I hope you hang around!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
His recovery is his side of the street, yours is your side of the street. Everyone handles recovery in different ways. Some jump in with everything they have, some put a toe in and test the waters. You want to see him do what you are doing. He is in a different place. Time will show if he is committed or not, and that is the hard part.
Keep working on you. Cheer him on when he seems open to it. Distract yourself and do not let his being in this place drag you down with him, that will destroy your own recovery.
Big hugs. We get it.
Keep working on you. Cheer him on when he seems open to it. Distract yourself and do not let his being in this place drag you down with him, that will destroy your own recovery.
Big hugs. We get it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Englewood
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
said gently but attending ONE meeting and opening ONE book does not recovery equate.
leave him to it. he has a lot to sort out and he either will........or he won't. more will be revealed!
leave him to it. he has a lot to sort out and he either will........or he won't. more will be revealed!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Thursdays
Thank you all so much. I didn’t go to a meeting last night (I should have) and it was much harder to get the rebalancing I needed. Now I’m in a holding pattern of “don’t know.” It is SO HARD. As an alanon, I’m so used to jumping into reaction and DOING. And the hardest thing is to Do Nothing. So hard and scary.
Thanks again for the responses. I will not talk to him about recovery, his or mine but try to put all that anxious energy I feel into doing nothing. It’s loke exercising a very weak muscle group. Stronger with practice.
Thanks again for the responses. I will not talk to him about recovery, his or mine but try to put all that anxious energy I feel into doing nothing. It’s loke exercising a very weak muscle group. Stronger with practice.
Carry on you fine person. You might not have figured it out yet but you seem to be on your way.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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Originally Posted by Thursdays
As an alanon, I’m so used to jumping into reaction and DOING. And the hardest thing is to Do Nothing. So hard and scary.
Yes, many many times over. Incredibly hard not to jump into reaction. It felt to me that every atom of my body screamed for me to jump in and DO! The discomfort was off the scale. I had to learn to sit with it. (It feels similar to when I quit alcohol, the withdrawal physical and mental feelings).
I have gradually retrained myself by working my Al-anon program to step away from issues that are not mine.
To focus on my own recovery.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
If you put your child's well being first, you won't go far wrong.
What possible scenarios do you see if your AH doesn't stay sober?
They say hope for the best but plan for the worst.
You may not be able to do anything directly for his recovery, but you can certainly work on your own, and make sure you have strong and productive boundaries for you and your child.
What possible scenarios do you see if your AH doesn't stay sober?
They say hope for the best but plan for the worst.
You may not be able to do anything directly for his recovery, but you can certainly work on your own, and make sure you have strong and productive boundaries for you and your child.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by Thursdays
Yes I agree with all of this- here’s my but (lol I said but)- I have a 9 year old. There are other considerations here. It’s not just me involved.
This is where your boundaries come in. The boundary is a clear understanding of what you and your child need to be happy and what you will do to create a situation where this is possible. It doesn't depend on the alcoholic getting sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Yep there are other people involved. This is why it is so important not to but the "doing" energy into reacting to the alcoholic when he does what alcoholics do. Instead put that energy into planning what to do if he does not achieve recovery.
This is where your boundaries come in. The boundary is a clear understanding of what you and your child need to be happy and what you will do to create a situation where this is possible. It doesn't depend on the alcoholic getting sober.
This is where your boundaries come in. The boundary is a clear understanding of what you and your child need to be happy and what you will do to create a situation where this is possible. It doesn't depend on the alcoholic getting sober.
SO MUCH THIS. This is exactly what my therapist said. I’ve gone to therapists on an off for decades and I’ve never met someone who was as clear and firm as this last one was.
i told the story of what happened a month ago and then again two nights ago. And the therapist said: this is your boundary: husband needs to leave. Now.
I talked to my lawyer and there are some legal steps I must take in order to make a separation happen. The action that must occur is: we need to separate. I wish it was easy and that husband would quit the property gently and willingly. I haven’t told him yet that he needs to do so. I’m still in the same place: I’m scared and I don’t know how he will react. I don’t know if he will quietly pack a bag and go or if he will fight. I’m trying to think of ways to convince him if he argues. But he hasn’t argued yet. And I will focus on the telling him after I get back from the lawyers on Monday.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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Thanks to Alanon I learned a powerful lesson: nothing anyone else does is any of my business. Of course as one who wants to tell everyone how to run their lives it ain't easy. This is your hubby, but his recovery is his own. And, there's nothing you can say or do that will get him sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Englewood
Posts: 76
One MOMENT I’m up, then down. Then up. Even when I think I’m free it’s back to being sad again.
So, Q refuses to leave the house, then says he’ll go to rehab if it can save his marriage then changed his mind. We did have a good night last night. Now he’s talking about how smarmy rehabs are and writing a list of all things I haven’t done in the marriage. I’ll submit the separation paperwork Thursday. Now I’m sad but had a great day with my boy and will go to my meeting tomorrow. I wish equinamity and serenity lasted a little longer and wasn’t so tenuous.
Its really hard to detach.
So, Q refuses to leave the house, then says he’ll go to rehab if it can save his marriage then changed his mind. We did have a good night last night. Now he’s talking about how smarmy rehabs are and writing a list of all things I haven’t done in the marriage. I’ll submit the separation paperwork Thursday. Now I’m sad but had a great day with my boy and will go to my meeting tomorrow. I wish equinamity and serenity lasted a little longer and wasn’t so tenuous.
Its really hard to detach.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Thursday.....here is an article from our Classic Reading section (in the stickies)…..which I think is a good yardstick for knowing how motivated an alcoholic is for recovery....I think it may be helpful for you, right now....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Thursdays
One MOMENT I’m up, then down. Then up. Even when I think I’m free it’s back to being sad again.
So, Q refuses to leave the house, then says he’ll go to rehab if it can save his marriage then changed his mind. We did have a good night last night. Now he’s talking about how smarmy rehabs are and writing a list of all things I haven’t done in the marriage. I’ll submit the separation paperwork Thursday. Now I’m sad but had a great day with my boy and will go to my meeting tomorrow. I wish equinamity and serenity lasted a little longer and wasn’t so tenuous.
Its really hard to detach.
So, Q refuses to leave the house, then says he’ll go to rehab if it can save his marriage then changed his mind. We did have a good night last night. Now he’s talking about how smarmy rehabs are and writing a list of all things I haven’t done in the marriage. I’ll submit the separation paperwork Thursday. Now I’m sad but had a great day with my boy and will go to my meeting tomorrow. I wish equinamity and serenity lasted a little longer and wasn’t so tenuous.
Its really hard to detach.
Some folks have been in your situation here but not me. All I ever do is take the next right step to the best of my ability. It looks like submitting that paperwork is your next right step.
Keep the faith.
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