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Step One: Admitting I'm an alcoholic

Old 06-18-2019, 10:36 AM
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Unhappy Step One: Admitting I'm an alcoholic

I've gotten a sponsor and am working on step one; admitting I am an alcoholic, I'm 84 days sober. Even though I've said I'm an alcoholic to my family, and in meetings I still can't seem to do the first step, saying it to myself, my sponsor told me to write my drinking story but every time I write it out it ends up being something entirely different, my bisexual story, my depression/anxiety story, my codependent relationship story, my childhood trauma story, my adult trauma story, my cocaine addiction story, its like no matter what I do to make it about my drinking when I first start, by the end of it, it is about something else entirely. I guess I am blocking myself from admitting it, and don't know how to unblock myself. Any advice or personal stories would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:00 AM
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I would guess perhaps that it is all part of it?
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:02 AM
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Forgive me if this sounds dismissive of your sponsor's approach, but writing out a step 1 sounds like a very 'treatment centre' thing to do. Don't get me wrong I spent time in three rehabs, and while writing Step 1 out in the way you describe can be a benefit, when it comes to AA sponsorship, I'm not really sure of the value of it, particularly if you are finding you are writing about all kinds of trauma and consequence. This really isn't what Step 1 is about, and I do wonder of the wisdom of this being dug up; to what end I am not sure.

For myself, I benefited far more from a pure AA approach, and when I needed, or indeed need now, professional psychological input about trauma, and or consequence, I go and find this outside AA with people who are professionally qualified to offer it, and provide proper support to help you work through it.

The programme of AA can be found in the Big Book, and I cannot tell you the benefit I found in being taken through this from someone who had being taken this route himself. It is not complicated, and there is no need for life stories. Being able to recite a list of consequences of my drinking got me no further with accepting my alcoholism, or powerlessness over it, than writing a shopping list would have done. What I needed to understand was the nature of the condition I have, one that is not peculiar to me, or the particular consequences of my drinking. That set me free from my addiction.

It may be that this is the route you found your sponsor, but if there are step meetings, or big book study meetings in your area, and you haven't yet attended one of these, that may be a good place to find someone to take you through the steps

Wish you well in your recovery.
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:04 AM
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SU,
I’m not an AA’er so I’ll let others address the step portion...but it seems to me that each one of those stories deserves their own unpacking and undoubtedly contributed to your drinking problem. It took me a lot of time, and still a work in progress, to get ahold of the issues that lead me to where I am today. For me, it was, and is a critical part of the process.
I suppose what I’m saying is it sounds like you are making great strides to identify, define, and address things that lead you to this point. IMO, that is the work of sobriety.

Congrats on 84 days, and staying sober while doing the heavy lifting of introspection. It can be a brutal process.
-bora
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:05 AM
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Keep writing! I got a lot out of my journalling - but it wasn't to share it with strangers, it was just for me.

We all have trauma and stories. Drinking is a way to not deal with all of in an honest way - it's a place to run and hide from it all.

It can be painful to unwind all that, have you considered therapy instead of or in addition to the Steps? I think the 12 Steps can be too difficult for people with a lot of unprocessed anger and pain, and sponsors are not mental health professionals, they are just alcoholics with a book and a solution to the drinking.

I needed to process my life story outside the rooms of AA, not in them.
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:21 AM
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Have to agree with Pipfish here. Writing out your past as you describe is very much a rehab thing where you have access to counsellors and trained psychiatrists to help you process it all. It's is dangerous to ask someone to write out all the trauma in their lives if you are not professionally qualified to help them process it in a healthy way. In the UK Addiction Counsellors by law are not allowed to get you opening up past trauma as they are not qualified to do this, they are only allowed to offer advice in more of a life coach way.

In terms of a drinking story maybe stick to:
- When did you start drinking and how did you feel about alcohol then
- Did you always know when to stop or have you always not been able to find the off switch
- When did your drinking start ramping up and becoming more regular
- When did your life start to become impacted by your drinking
- What type of drinking did you do? Secret drinking, binge drinking, social drinking to excess etc
- What kind of behaviours did you have that were created by drinking (Anger / Isolation / Risky Behaviours / Depression / Sadness / Self Loathing / Self Pity etc)
- What has been the impact of your drinking on your life (weight gain, loss of friendships, loss of self respect / others respect / financial losses / physical illness / motivation / hobbies)

That's my 2 cents anyhow and you're doing a great thing getting sober, it's not easy but it's worth it and you are worth it too!! xx
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:21 AM
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Walking into the rooms was step one for me. My story was irrelevant until I got to the 4th step. Powerless and unmanageable were kind/lenient words of my behaviors. I came in of my own volition, so the jury was pretty much out when I stumbled in.

Few people I know where bopping down the street one day living a grand life and thought - gee, I think I'll go check out an AA meeting>

I found moving through the steps while there was a window of opportunity imperative. Remove the boulders, get going........Action and more action.

YMMV
Keep coming back
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:22 AM
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Hello, Sobered.

Congratulations on 84 days sober.

Everyone sponsors differently. I've sponsored a lot. I speak only for myself.

Two things: I, like you, would say I was alcoholic, but I felt like a fraud. I really didn't realize what an important role alcohol had played in my life. I wasn't hurting anyone, right? I was just having a grand old time drinking - until the bottle stopped working.

My sponsor did not have me write down my first step. We met face to face and she asked me one question, and that one question was: After a pitiful and incomprehensible demoralized night out of drinking did I swear I wasn't going to do that anymore, and if when I started did I have the power to stop on my own. She asked me when I went to one of my cocktail parties, once I took that first drink was I able to go home at 7 o'clock to be with my family, like I had promised them I would. Of course my answer was no. Once I started I couldn't stop and I could not of my own power stay away from the first one. I slowly began to realize that alcohol was making choices for me, and if that's not unmanageable, I don't know what is.

My sponsor had me read the first 43 pages of the Book Book, and then we met face to face. I also had tried to do a first step on paper but didn't get very far. I'd end up writing in circles.

So when I sponsored I stuck with what worked for me, sponsees reading the first 43 pages, we'd met face to face, and took an hour or so to talk about their history and relationship with alcohol, the consequences of drinking and the unmanageability of their lives.

I did, much later on in sobriety, write about my relationship and history with alcohol; such as, when a relationship didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, did I turn to alcohol; when my finances were good or finances were bad, did I drink; when my ex-husband said hurtful things, did I drink AT him. What I discovered was a pattern; i.e., turning to alcoholic to either intensify my feelings or drank to alter my perception of reality.

So, I don't know. That's just how I worked my first step. I continue to work my first, second, and third steps daily. I don't do them perfectly, but I do the best I can.

I didn't go to treatment. I just walked in a meeting one day and said, when I drink, I get in trouble.

I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing this.
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:28 AM
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I suspect all of those things are part of your drinking story.

Congratulations on 84 days of sobriety.
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:37 AM
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My sponsor had me read The Doctor's Opinion every day for 30 days. I chose to print out worksheets that I found online and filled them in and wrote out in detail how unbelievably unmanagable my life had become.

I was seeing a therapist weekly for all the other stuff. The stuff that either sprouted up because of my drinking and undoubtedly stuff that led me to drinking.

What I knew though, without a doubt, was that I could never have 1 beer, 1 glass of wine or 1 drink. I wrote out all the ways I tried to compromise my drinking: only at home, never at home, only with my husband, only at bars, never at bars, only at social functions...you get the gist. Whatever I tried, I couldn't manage my drinking.

Good luck and great job! 84 days is amazing!
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Old 06-18-2019, 12:49 PM
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“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

OK, I'm not a step guy, but I don't see why this is so difficult. I even googled this site which explains how to complete the step, and even this doesn't make it into the issue that yours has become:
https://www.recovery.org/alcoholics-anonymous/step-1/

Basically, it just says to do what you've already done with your family. Most people figure this out before they get to AA. In fact figuring it out is why they ended up in AA to begin with. It requires you admit you have a serious problem with alcohol. It doesn't specify writing out your story. It's fine if you want to, but it's not what the step specifies.
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Old 06-18-2019, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by MantaLady View Post

In terms of a drinking story maybe stick to:
- When did you start drinking and how did you feel about alcohol then
- Did you always know when to stop or have you always not been able to find the off switch
- When did your drinking start ramping up and becoming more regular
- When did your life start to become impacted by your drinking
- What type of drinking did you do? Secret drinking, binge drinking, social drinking to excess etc
- What kind of behaviours did you have that were created by drinking (Anger / Isolation / Risky Behaviours / Depression / Sadness / Self Loathing / Self Pity etc)
- What has been the impact of your drinking on your life (weight gain, loss of friendships, loss of self respect / others respect / financial losses / physical illness / motivation / hobbies)
Thank you for this MantaLady! I am relatively new to the whole AA meeting thing and I know that at some point I will want to begin sharing. This list will help keep me from rambling nonsensically!!
D.
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Old 06-18-2019, 02:33 PM
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Welcome SoberedUnicorn! It's so good to have you join us.
84 days is wonderful. You're in the process of learning to live in a new way - we're here to encourage you.
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Old 06-24-2019, 08:17 PM
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Thank you to everyone who gave me advice, I talked with my sponsor and gave her a shortened version of my drinking story, and have moved on to step 2, also
I am celebrating 90 days today.
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Old 06-24-2019, 08:46 PM
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Congrats on 90 days sober! Keep going, it gets better.
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Old 06-24-2019, 10:30 PM
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Welcome and congrats on 90 days!!
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Old 06-24-2019, 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted by MantaLady View Post
Have to agree with Pipfish here. Writing out your past as you describe is very much a rehab thing where you have access to counsellors and trained psychiatrists to help you process it all. It's is dangerous to ask someone to write out all the trauma in their lives if you are not professionally qualified to help them process it in a healthy way. In the UK Addiction Counsellors by law are not allowed to get you opening up past trauma as they are not qualified to do this, they are only allowed to offer advice in more of a life coach way.

In terms of a drinking story maybe stick to:
- When did you start drinking and how did you feel about alcohol then
- Did you always know when to stop or have you always not been able to find the off switch
- When did your drinking start ramping up and becoming more regular
- When did your life start to become impacted by your drinking
- What type of drinking did you do? Secret drinking, binge drinking, social drinking to excess etc
- What kind of behaviours did you have that were created by drinking (Anger / Isolation / Risky Behaviours / Depression / Sadness / Self Loathing / Self Pity etc)
- What has been the impact of your drinking on your life (weight gain, loss of friendships, loss of self respect / others respect / financial losses / physical illness / motivation / hobbies)

That's my 2 cents anyhow and you're doing a great thing getting sober, it's not easy but it's worth it and you are worth it too!! xx
THIS ^^^. The thing to remember is MantalLady has listed triggers. Particularly in the last few points. What you have to realise is the trigger for these triggers come from the biggest trigger of all - alcohol itself.
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Old 06-24-2019, 11:03 PM
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Congrats on 90 days!!
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Old 06-25-2019, 03:20 AM
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for me, step one is knowing deep in my soul I can't drink safely like those normies.

Once I embrace this fact, life is easier; now I can learn how to work the rest of those steps and to live sober.
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Old 06-25-2019, 03:24 AM
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90 days is awesome! Great job.

Around here, the "story writing part" is very common in rehabs. My first sponsor told me to do it and I started....but got into the weeds just like you describe.

Working the steps was far more important so I put the story aside. It has allll come out as I have gone along.

Two parts to step one and for me part 2 can really be more powerful: my life had become unmanageable. This was beyond true and I knew it, but I also had to understand the layers and depths and fact that EVERYTHING in my life from the state of my apt to my 24/7 vodka drinking to my attitudes to....was unmanageable.

And, those first 164 pgs were where I lived for the first 3 steps, then stayed as I added more of the book as I did 4 and 5.

Keep going and learning- and remember that willingness - and acceptance- are the key to the whole thing.
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