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Anybody else's alcoholics trying to force their normal on you?



Anybody else's alcoholics trying to force their normal on you?

Old 06-17-2019, 09:25 PM
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Anybody else's alcoholics trying to force their normal on you?

Each time I've gone no contact.. Or minimal contact he suddenly plays the 'responsible parent'. I don't know if it's because I'm actively running for the hills, detaching, blanking etc and he still needs my validation. But he quit texting a fortnight ago cos his bed warming enabler is very insecure their 'relationship'. I revelled in being left alone, especially after his recent.. I love you.. Can we get back together.. I can't drink?.. Right I'll go back to wotsherface and take her on that 10k trip to Europe'

I've taken all the support here to heart and just detached. And he's effin hating it. I'm assuming it doesn't fit with his alcoholic reality that we're all good.
'I haven't hurt my ex wife.. I'd never hurt her. My drinking doesn't hurt anybody.. See.. Just ask my bed warmer. She's seen me drunk. Look I'm responsible, I just found a way to save on school fees' (I manage the bills.. I'm leagues ahead).
'Our son is really playing up at school' .... Yesssss, I know. I have day to day care so I get ALL the fallout. He's playing up because his daddy is an active alcoholic who's really hurt his mommy. And although she's doing EVERYTHING to move on, recover and try to hide her pain from her kids.. My lil boy is hurting.

It just farrrrks me off so much that he thinks he's blameless. I swear.. Give it another week and he'll be calling me immature for being distant towards him. The insanity..

Sorry for the rant... There's just no remorse.
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Old 06-17-2019, 10:42 PM
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That has got to be so incredibly frustrating and annoying, I so understand that from what you just described Milano.

You are doing the best you can, it's all you can do.
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Old 06-17-2019, 10:58 PM
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It is. I feel like I need some blanket response for the enevitable... 'you need to grow up and quit blanking me. You're being really immature in front of the kids'

I was thinking of 'you have no power over me' from Labyrinth.

'Go blow it out yer arse hole' doesn't really encompass the message:

You hurt me. I'm distancing myself from you to protect myself, to show myself and my kids what self love looks like. I will not suffer your behavior towards me. I deserve and will only accept love and kindness from anyone in my life.

Just need to get that down to a tagine. Anybody?
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Old 06-18-2019, 12:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Milano58 View Post
'Go blow it out yer arse hole' doesn't really encompass the message:
You made me laugh out loud with this one Milano (and yes it is fitting).

'you have no power over me' - is really good.

If he has ever attended AA - you could ask - Is that your side of the street? If he hasn't, it will probably have zero impact.

Then again, perhaps nothing will, but if you stick to whatever you decide he might get tired of his attempts to control you, one can hope.
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Old 06-18-2019, 01:23 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You made me laugh out loud with this one Milano (and yes it is fitting).

'you have no power over me' - is really good.

If he has ever attended AA - you could ask - Is that your side of the street? If he hasn't, it will probably have zero impact.

Then again, perhaps nothing will, but if you stick to whatever you decide he might get tired of his attempts to control you, one can hope.
He did go to AA for a couple of months but he had selective recovery. Not sure what the street reference is, though somebody else on her mentioned it sounded like my ex wanted to walk both sides of the street.

It's weird he's quoted the serenity prayer, once when was pretty much pleading me to let him drink around the kids.. And me. (when he wanted to get back with me). And the second time when he told me he'd gone back to his enabler. His use of the prayer was completely out of context with our 'shared' reality. His entire perspective is so warped right now.. Its like he's had a head injury. I am genuinely worried about his thinking.. More for the kids. He feels dead to me now... That man I married.
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Old 06-18-2019, 05:04 AM
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Milano,

It's easier for them to force their reality on you--and you change, than to accept responsibility for their own actions and behaviors. They don't want to change but want you to change for them. Ugh.

The insanity you experience because someone else's mind, that is incapable of rational thought and yet still trying to tell you what to think, is exhausting. Have as little contact with him as possible and don't engage; walk away. It's easier to give him the ass than exhaust yourself with his deranged thinking.

And for the record, I do kind of like "blow it out yer arse."
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Old 06-18-2019, 07:01 AM
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altho i too very much favor the "arse" response, sometimes the best response is no response at all. just . . . . .crickets. treat his "messages" like spam.....just a bunch of useless crap.....delete.
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Old 06-18-2019, 07:50 AM
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Rant away and don't engage! Just because he is speaking (or texting or whatever), does not mean you have to respond. Eventually (and it takes a good long while) he will realize that you don't plan to respond.

My constant response to my XAH is that I will only converse if it's a constructive conversation about our children that requires a response. If not, crickets. He tries to poke me every now and again, but not very often. He has learned LOL.

And......it's given me much more peace that I have ever had.

Big hugs.
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Old 06-18-2019, 08:41 AM
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I think, Milano, that if it is possible to do so (difficult when you are co-parenting,) that you should treat his stupid communications as so much noise. As others have said, try to gray rock, neutral face and manner, don’t engage or JADE.
That will drive him absolutely batcrap crazy.
It’s tough to do when we are just so angry.
I found Al-Anon helped me with anger and resentments. So did journaling.
But what REALLY helped, tbh, was living 350 miles away from the addict in my life.
Alas, that is no longer the case. I moved back to my home state to help with aged parents, and I see my alcohol addicted sib almost every day, as he lives with my mother.
I engage with him as little as possible, and keep my wellness visits to mom short.
Otherwise, I know I will get into it with him, as I am just so angry at his worthless self.
I wish humans came with an anger tap that we could turn on and drain every day. I think that if anger had a color and texture it would be oily and black.
It sticks to us.
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Old 06-18-2019, 09:13 AM
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If you respond, he knows you’re still hooked in.
If you respond with anger, no matter how justifiable, he knows you’re REALLY hooked in.

A reaction is what he wants because he might need you as a backup someday. I’m not saying he’s thinking this all through...its just self-preservation.

No contact. Let her deal with him.
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Old 06-18-2019, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Leelee168 View Post
Milano,

It's easier for them to force their reality on you--and you change, than to accept responsibility for their own actions and behaviors. They don't want to change but want you to change for them. Ugh.

The insanity you experience because someone else's mind, that is incapable of rational thought and yet still trying to tell you what to think, is exhausting. Have as little contact with him as possible and don't engage; walk away. It's easier to give him the ass than exhaust yourself with his deranged thinking.

And for the record, I do kind of like "blow it out yer arse."
Ye yesterday I thought I'd nailed it.. Texted him precisely what he needed to do for picking up daughter (she was home sick). Right down to her meds. When he came to pick her up he'd taken our son out of the car.. Then asked me to help him get him back in his car seat.. Then wanted a quiet word about sons recent tantrums in school. Our son has been acting up since day one of the separation. To the point he was hurting his sister. I suggested a play therapist, councillor to help him through his feelings and ex said no. (thought he was sober back then and thinking rationally). Lawyer said I can't make guardianship issues like that without his consent. Gonna go back to lawyer and demand that I make a call on what my son needs since his father his mentally unwell and actively drinking. The lunatics are running the feckin asylum.

Thankfully I'm getting councilling from an addict specialist. I'm going to see a play therapist/ child psychologist.. And there's not a damn thing he can do about it.
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Old 06-18-2019, 10:40 AM
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Our Son is having behaviour problems!

Yes, I think professional help is needed, play therapy seems to have good success.

No!

Good for you Milano. Isn't it insane.
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Old 06-18-2019, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
altho i too very much favor the "arse" response, sometimes the best response is no response at all. just . . . . .crickets. treat his "messages" like spam.....just a bunch of useless crap.....delete.
Ye.. Unfortunately he makes it all about the kids. I'm just keeping it short, boring. No greetings or sign-off. It's more like more code.
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:00 AM
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@Milano: That sucks! Keep working on your arse affirmation and turn it into key chain...I will buy one.

Also you raise an interesting question, why do they continue to reach out?

Ariseagain says: A reaction is what he wants because he might need you as a backup someday. I’m not saying he’s thinking this all through...its just self-preservation.

I wonder what other reasons they reach out when they have seemingly moved on.

And on the topic of my drinking did no harm BS...my wife used to say that her drinking never impacted our daughter...what a load.

Peace
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:15 AM
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I don’t respond to texts or statements that aren’t handoff related and when my XAH tries to make me talk about parenting (usually trying to whine about how unfair it is she prefers me and what can he do about it, mostly), I tell him if he has specific parenting questions he can email them. He totally hates it, I am sure. It works very well for me as long as I don’t slip and respond!
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Old 06-18-2019, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost View Post
@Milano: That sucks! Keep working on your arse affirmation and turn it into key chain...I will buy one.

Also you raise an interesting question, why do they continue to reach out?

Ariseagain says: A reaction is what he wants because he might need you as a backup someday. I’m not saying he’s thinking this all through...its just self-preservation.

I wonder what other reasons they reach out when they have seemingly moved on.

And on the topic of my drinking did no harm BS...my wife used to say that her drinking never impacted our daughter...what a load.

Peace
He hasn't moved on. He wants to be with me and the kids AND drink. Being with me means:
-sobering up and being in permanent recovery

-once he's sober he'd have to finally be accountable that his drinking ruined our marriage, split up our family and he never actually ever recovered. He'd have to admit he has an aggressive nature when drunk. I think in the past he blamed his youth for his behaviour.. But a father... Husband. Too hard basket.

In my Disney minds eye there's a small part of him that really wants to sober up, be who he used to be and come back to his family and he's trying to keep that anchor.

From my Tarantino lens.. I'm just that one person who won't smile, talk or revert to form like his family do. I won't pretend it's OK and he has to see me weekly. I'm that constant reminder that his drinking hurts others. He can't ignore me. He's trying to normalise my behaviour so it fits his reality.
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Old 06-18-2019, 02:37 PM
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No remorse, no ability to understand what he's put you & the kids
through - classic red flags of narcissist.

Maybe try to expect the irrational & illogical & flat out lies, and
when something rational or logical or truthful comes out of
his mouth you can be surprised.

He can call you a chair, but that doesn't mean you are a chair.

You can acknowledge that something is HIS reality, but that
you will continue to do what is best for you & the kids.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:06 PM
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He hasn't moved on. He wants to be with me and the kids AND drink.

he wants to be in the house with all the accouterments, which happens to include a wife/women person and small humans. it also means a stable roof over his head, food on the table, clean clothes, clean bed sheets, clean towels, magic toothpaste that never runs out, and if there IS a God.........cold beer in the fridge. he's mentally a five year old that doesn't wanna go to school, or do his chores, or have to go to bed at 8pm.

obviously option B with the new woman person isn't quite meeting up to his scrupulous standards and meeting the threshold of what he is entitled to.

continue to do whatever you have to for the children's safety and security. he always has the option to hire an attorney and make claims to the court if it matters THAT MUCH to him.
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Milano58 View Post
He did go to AA for a couple of months but he had selective recovery. Not sure what the street reference is, though somebody else on her mentioned it sounded like my ex wanted to walk both sides of the street.
The street reference is that we all have our side of the street. Your issues and other's issues.

They take care of/stay on their side, you take care of yours (your side).

If you are <insert whatever insult he has decided to sling at you> that's your issue to take care of, none of his business.
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Old 06-18-2019, 04:46 PM
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Milano...just keep on with your good boundaries! In fact, install a moat with alligators, if necessary.
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