Strugglingto

I'm trying to post every day, but for some reason day 5 was a write off. I felt almost as bad as I did on day 2, nausea mostly, sweaty palms (again), inability to concentrate on anything (not even to log on here), and no interest or energy in cooking or eating. The most I did was make a coffee and that for some reason just made me worse almost vomit worse. Add to that intense depression. The realisation of all the things that had gone wrong because of drinking, all the things I had neglected, all the emails and messages that had gone unanswered... The basic fact I had neglected all responsibility. My finances... The list is so endless that you can't even cry about it. You just feel hollow and numb.

I got to mid-late afternoon and ​​​I was faced with two alternatives. Buy alcohol or put myself under home detention so I chose the latter and went to bed. But I was oh so close to choosing the first.

Today day 6 begins

Dee74

Congrats on day 6 strugglingto - hope its a better day

D

Strugglingto

Thank you, energy levels are still low but step-by-step trying to reassemble the jigsaw. As others have said about formulating a plan. I'm doing that. The law where I live is to only sell alcohol between 10am and 11pm with the exception of bars and restaurants (of course there are places that flout the rules) but part of my plan is to buy food outside of those times.
The social isolation isn't easy, and on day four it was already suggested to me. It makes things awkward. Everything here (Kiev) revolves around drinking. And there is a saying in Russian if you refuse "do you not respect me?" It actually offends people. And if I track back it is a cause. That of course is one of many excuses of course, but it is a bump in the road that led me here

Strugglingto

Honestly, I believed I would feel better by now. But it is a roller coaster. Doing simple things in short bursts and then retreating into a zombie-like state.
Short engagement with people online then quickly wishing the conversation would end.
A lot like when I was drinking. Just wanting to disengage from everything and everyone. It is 11.45am where I am here. I would have started drinking by now. Becoming what I believed to be functional within the next hour or so.
Now it just feels like I am a car without any gas.
I got no joy from being drunk, it was long past that point but sober is a different level of boredom and emptiness.
It always felt like alcohol coloured me in. I could be witty, productive, engage.
Without it I don't even know how to describe the feeling but I don't feel like me

BrianK

This speaks to me so much! It's like life is bland, then we add alcohol and we see in color, and take it away and everything seems faded. What I'm slowing learning is all the layers of illusion we see the world through, and this goes for drinkers and non-drinkers alike. As I've started to accept that a lot of what I think I know might be an illusion, and more and more amazing world is coming in to view.

"Had to be up early today." Ok, get up, grab my coffee, open the windows since it's nice out...the birds are singing at sunrise! People actually pay money for relaxation music like this! This is free! And just naturally added to part of my day. Now I don't "have" to be up early, I "get" to be up early. And clear-headed enough to enjoy it Ok, that's one example, but now it puts me in the mood of looking for the next hidded highlight in what I thought was a drab world.

I do hope things shine a little brighter for you soon! I hate that feeling of, "Ok, I'm sober, now what?" I had to write a note to my self and put it on my fridge to just go ahead and stay in the "now what" for a little while. It's helping a bit.

Peace to you!!!

Strugglingto

Brian, that all makes sense. I cleared out my fridge at about 6am. Just things that had long passed use by and I had never even opened. My drunken logic was to buy items as well as a bottle of vodka because I would feel uncomfortable just buying the alcohol.
Eventually that didn't matter. It was urgent and getting out of there and having a hit was all that mattered because of the gagging and waves of nausea. Clearing the fridge out would make drunk me feel like I had done something great. Today it was just depressing.

How ridiculous was this? Prior to maybe the last 18 months I ran a rotation policy. Visit one outlet one day, and a different one the next. There are four in my neighborhood. But I added a couple of others 10 to 15 minutes walk away so it could be a week before I went back to one of them. So I had this sense of shame fighting with this need every day.
This forum really helps BUT it is also (for me at least) a little like someone talking about...say, a Big Mac, and you think "hmm, that sounds good", there is a seed planted in your mind.

Strugglingto

Can someone explain "H.A.L.T"?

BrianK

H - Hungry
A - Angry
L - Lonely
T - Tired

If you're feeling any of these, pause, reflect, allow yourself to become aware and address the situation. These are major triggers for folks like us to take a drink.

Strugglingto

Thank you Brian

BrianK

Your post in #6: rotating stores...SO many of us have done that! The more I interact with folks at AA meetings and on this forum the more I see we all have in common. We've all tried so many of the same tricks, and they generally failed us all in the same way.

For me the main benefit of a place like this isn't so much learning this or that things that's going to finally make me "get it", but just taking in the overall feel of the place and the people; their tone and spirit. They're not drinking and they're enjoying life. They're not sitting closed up in their house, gritting their teeth, trying not to drink (ok, maybe sometimes, but we all have bad days ). From what I gather, they're living Life. And I know for me, the more I try to do these things, and the more they become a habit, the more fully alive I feel.

But it does take time. We've gotten into so many habits we don't realize how much of our thinking is destructive. But we're all working on it together. At least the fact that we're aware that we're not in a good place shows that some kernal of Truth spoke to us to make us aware of that.

Just some random musings that came to me...hope it was at least a little useful

ImNotThatGuy

Hey Strug, congratulations on Day 6, and thank you for reminding me of why I never want to go through that again. You're almost out of the woods for the worst of it; I started to feel better physically by the seventh day.

Are you doing anything to deal with other issues that may underlie your drinking? Counseling? AA? If not, you might want to consider it.

Strugglingto

My issues are compounded by the fact I am 17,000km from home. Living in Ukraine for the past eight years. My Russian is very basic, I drank away any cash reserves I had, and I was so bad I have been unemployable for the past six months. A lot of people here talk about hangovers. I never really got them. And I was well beyond that point. Within a max of five hours from my last drink and I was straight into withdrawal. For me alcohol was fuel. Simple as that. The tank got near empty and I needed a refuel.
I'm 37 and I could feel that I was close to getting to end stage.

Resurgence

Hi Strugglingto

Many thanks for your comment on my thread. I've been reading through yours and I can empathise with your predicament finding yourself in a hard-drinking environment. I once had the chance to teach in Ukraine (Poltava), but I was too concerned that I'd get obliterated there. And that's only 1 of 3 opportunities in Eastern Europe alone that I've wasted due to drinking.

You say that you're formulating your plan at the moment; how's that looking? I'm doing the same thing but I'm coming up short.

Peace!

Strugglingto

My plan is fairly simple to begin with. Isolate as much as possible. In this world of "instant gratification" people expect you to answer immediately. I say do so when you feel like it. On day 2 I could barely hold my phone let alone reply to messages that are not so important. You can always make excuses.
I didn't leave home for several days.
I don't know where you are, but here in Kiev because drinking is such an issue that alcohol is only available between 10am and 11pm. Insomnia is such as issue that I simply decided I would get food and supplies outside of alcohol sales hours. I was at the supermarket at 4am today.
I changed the route I would normally take to get somewhere.
Any messages/emails I have had in the past few days I'm dealing with now.
To begin with it has just about making it impossible to feed the addiction.
Get out and move as a lot of people say is good. But that depends on how bad you feel on day 3 I decided to clean up. I could do 10-15 minutes and needed to lie down. I was so unsteady on my feet.
It is a mix of people here. Some seem able to still keep a routine. I simply couldn't in those first few days. Stairs or steps were terrifying being I had this feeling I was going to fall.

Strugglingto

Resurgence, I'm only day 6. In short my plan is a little like kicking tyres in a car sales lot. You look at the cars you want but you know you can't have them. Living life while everyone else sleeps for a while. They can't see you are online, they are asleep. You can take that walk and fight the temptation because alcohol simply isn't available to you. Water, water, water...