quercusalba

Hello. My name is Anne and I'm an alcoholic. I am in the beginning stages of trying to quit drinking. I have had some trouble with relapsing; it is happening less and less frequently, but it has been an issue. My husband has suspected me of drinking on some occasions; sometimes he's been wrong, sometimes he's been right. He has threatened to leave me if I have another relapse, and I believe him. My question is this: as the spouse of an alcoholic, how would you feel if your alcoholic spouse handed you a box of home kits for alcohol testing and told you you could ask them to take one any time you felt that your loved one had been drinking? I am considering this option because I feel as though it will give him some sense of control over this disease of mine, as he will be able to find out in no uncertain terms whether or not I've been drinking. I will not resent his asking, and I will tell him that any time he feels that I'm behaving strangely or he thinks he smells alcohol, I will take one of the tests. At the moment, I deserve his distrust and I am looking for a way for him to begin building trust again. I understand that only time can heal, but I think this might be a useful tool. I am going to copy this message to the Newcomer's board as well.

Please let me know what you think.

Thank you in advance,
anne

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Anne and welcome to the forums!

Before any type of recovery for myself, I would have thought that was a great idea! It would have given me the illusion of control for brief parts of every day. Brief parts. The rest of the time I would have wondered why the manipulative, sneaky little worm was being so cooperative and what the game was this time.

A kinder thing for you to give your husband would be a list of alanon meetings in your area, but he might not see it that way right now. My take is that if being around you in your alcoholism has brought out or morphed him into a control freak, you're not doing him any favors by encouraging this illusion. It might get him off your back for awhile, though. Normally we don't allow duplicate posts, but I think you need input from some addicts who have a little time in recovery and their perspective about how this might affect YOUR recovery.

Hugs,
Smoke

Blondie

I agree with Smoke. It gives the other person the illusion of control over your disease and your problem. It is a "quick fix" that will not work in the long run and after about a few months it would probably breed resentment. Recovery takes time and patience on the part of both partners. Lots of time and patience and treatment for both people.

I'm just curious. If you find yourself relapsing at times, what will you do if he insists that you take the test when you know it will come out positive?

quercusalba

I probably didn't explain well enough what my intentions for this kit would be... I don't see it as a quick fix; I don't expect it to fix anything, I just feel as though I need to give him something more tangible than my own words with regard to sobriety. I fully intend to do the right things - go to AA meetings, participate in Women for Sobriety, find a sponsor, work the steps... I am coming to terms with my reasons for relapse, the primary driver being the fact that I have continued to tell myself that it's ok for me to have a drink now and then when in fact I CANNOT do that. Too many times I've said words like this, though, so my husband has no real reason to believe me this time more than any other. I truly am determined this time, and only time and my sobriety will mend our relationship and reestablish his trust. Giving him the kit is simply an outward expression of what I really feel - I want him to really *know* how serious I am about this.

If I do relapse and he demands for me to take the test, I will take it and face the consequences.

Thank you both for telling me how you feel about this, and thanks for letting me have a duplicate post. I didn't know there was a rule like that, so I won't do it again!

take care,
anne

zazengirl

that is so honorable, that you are caring for his feelings, as a wife, separated from an AH, it warms my heart to hear this...it shows you respect his feelings and have integrity for yourself...goodluck on your journey, and be gentle with yourself, you will find true support here.....be good to you.

frankly

Before I found this sight I would have jumped up and down with joy had my H done that. But to be honest it would have been temporary. I would have started thinking OK whats the catch, I know he's found another way to fool me. Your actions will probably be the only thing that can ever restore trust that and time. But on the other hand why not sit down and talk to him about it. Let him decide weather or not it would be something he would like to do. Each of us are different and that way he would be in control of weather or not it would help him or not.

Chy

With time and honest work of your program there will be no need to hand anything over to him. He'll see by your change and continued sobriety he can slowly begin to restore those trust issues, if, you remain sober. It's taken me nearly 2 years to get my relationshiop back with all the perks of trust, intimacy, genuine care of one another. This didn't happen over night, and will take time.

Ann

I can't think of anything more demeaning on either side than to ask for or insist on a drug test.

Your actions will speak louder than any test. I like Smoke's idea of giving him a list of Al-Anon meetings instead.

Good luck in your recovery, and in your relationship with him.

Hugs
Ann

JT

My son did this very thing. We were in a drug store and he showed me where the tests were. Personally I saw it as manipulative on his part.

Your intent might be very honorable, I am not saying you don't mean well but you asked. And you asked US.

My first thought was what if you have been drinking? I don't believe you will be so willing to be tested.

My second thought was what happens if he guesses wrong?

JT

Cap3

Hi,you say,that you want him to really know how serious that you are about this.There is only one way to convince him,and yourself too..Words fall on deaf ears...ACTION..is the key.Go to meetings.Get a sponsor,read the Big Book,and apply program, to your life.There is more to soberiety than just putting down the drink.Putting down the drink is the beginning,and important,part....Recovery is all about...changing.inside...The kit wont help you to change.Without some kind of recovery program,your still with your ole self.Thoughts,feelings,,and acting out on them.Probably thats why sometimes that he thinks your drinking and your not.There is no change,.The non-alcoholic becomes sick too.They also need some sort of recovery.Alcoholism is called the ...family...disease... Folks,are humans too.I do not put people, as a Higher Power,.They cannot ever fill that roll.EVER.This would be a burden to them.Plus help both of us to..stay..in the sickness.Actions speak louder than words..AA is in the phone book.Call find out where the meetings are....
All the best of the best,

Cadence57

I agree with everyone here - my exA just quit the other day. I thought hard about your proposal to agree to random testing with your husband, and then I put that shoe on my foot. It's a tempting offer and appeals to my control-freak side but, in the long run, actions really do speak louder than words. And, truthfully, quitting drinking does not solve the problem (although it is a start). Recovery is what will provide the soil for confidence and faith and trust to grow - I firmly believe that.
Congratulations on taking the first step!

Magichappens

Hi Anne,
I didn't catch if you were in a program of recovery, such as AA. In all 12 step recovery, we learn that we are each only able to find healing and happiness within ourself. That means that no matter what happens in your recovery and life, you can't "fix" how your husband feels. If he is concerned about his own serenity in life, he will seek the help he needs.

The best thing you can do is concentrate on finding your own recovery. Trust that in doing this, and learning to take care of yourself, that you will be able to share that healing with others. Recovery doesn't happen overnight. The more we focus on being honest, and doing the best we can, the closer we are to having a balanced and full life. Allowing others to find their own peace is a gift too. Hugs, Magic

gelfling

Hello Que,

This is your disease, and you have 2 people to answer to. Yourself and God. I don't feel this kit is any kind of support for you. It's a control issue on his part and won't make you quit drinking. You need people who have walked the same path and who can give you the scoop on the disease and everything it involves and hold your hand during the tough times. Not demand a test to see if you slipped. Because in AA, if you slip, they hug and love you and welcome you back.

One problem I've seen with alcoholics that go into some type of recovery is that they "anticipate" a slip. And they do. It's like they're pre-programming themselves and will have an excuse when they do. My son did the same thing and kept telling us that he was expected to slip. I told him that it was time to stop using that as an excuse. And that he had to be more positive and gentler on himself. Not everyone is the same. But using positive thougths and affirmations will help keep you away from alcohol then thinking you're going to slip.

If you've gotten into a recovery program of some sort, that's great. That's what you need. You can't do this alone. Like the rest of us who are spouses of the alcoholic, we can't recover without help too.

Blessings and grace on your path to recovery.
Kathy

jlu

Anne,

My husband is a crack addict. He's been through rehab and is clean... so far no relapses. We talk about his addiction a LOT! It was easy for me to forgive him for the past once I started understanding the disease. Trust, on the other hand, wasn't going to come so easy. I told him that I needed his help with that and he agreed... but I didn't tell him what I expected, I left that to him. So far, he's been wonderful with calling when he's gonna be late and letting me know what's going on, etc. Is that co-dependent? Yes, but I'm working on it and not nearly as bad as I used to be. Is that controlling? I don't think so... Letting your spouse know what's going on is courtesy.

I also posed that question to my therapist. She told me to have a little faith and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Oh, and I also told my husband that if he relapsed I was done. He looked at me and said "No you're not. You've threatened too many times. I don't believe you." Well what could I say except you're right. He told me threatening him doesn't help him either and I agreed that it probably doesn't. I won't leave if he relapses. If life goes back to actively using 3-4 nights a week.... then I'm definitely gone and he believes that.

All that being said, I don't think that I would accept the drug test if my husband offered it to me. This has been a huge leap of faith on my part and a test to my ability to let go but our key has been openness, honesty, and lots, and lots of talking.

All I can say is give your husband time.....

Veronica

My AH and I did this. Early in my AH's sobriety, there were times when I thought he was drunk. He denied and he hated that I would not believe him. He wanted to rebuilt the trust that had been damaged in our relationship and suggested that we get a breathalyzer. We did - the same one that cops use. IF I suspected he had been drinking, then he would take the breathalyzer - if he refused for any reason than it was understood that he had been drinking. Oddly, I found that whenever I suspected he had been drinking, the breathalyzer only confirmed what I thought. In our case, what was meant to rebuild trust ended up teaching me how to believe my instincts regardless of what words my AH chose to explain away his drunken behavior (ex. he took medicine on an empty stomach, he didn't take his antidepressant, he was just REALLY, REALLY tired and felt loopy...). We've mostly stopped using the breathalyzer. I know when he is drunk and when he is sober, regardless of words. I realize you want to rebuild the trust, etc. that has been damaged by your drinking, but that takes time. Purchasing a breathalyzer or drug kit will not make that happen. In time, your actions will speak louder than words and your husband will learn that you are trustworthy. My AH and I have been going to marriage counseling. On top of his AA program, I think the marriage counseling is the one thing that is truly restoring our marriage.

Good luck and stay encouraged!