The in-laws....again
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The in-laws....again
Yet another scenario unfolds with my in-laws.
My brother-in-law turns 50 this year. My son turns 13 this year. Their birthdays are one day apart.
My BIL is going to Vegas to ring in his 50th. The whole family (minus kids) and a ton of friends are invited to go. (I should state here that I went to Vegas to ring in my 40th and BIL came out to Vegas to celebrate with us).
Now, I cannot go to Vegas. I will not be able to protect my sobriety there so this is a firm NO for me. Also, my son is celebrating a milestone birthday so it’s important to me to be there for him to usher in his teenage years.
My husband and I talked this over. We agreed that he will go to Vegas alone. He knows my real reason for not going is because of drinking. Finally, he supported a decision about my sobriety!
My mother in law, on the other hand, is appalled that I’m not going to Vegas. Per her, I must go and I can celebrate my son any other time. I was very clear in telling her that I would not be attending. She was not pleased. She does not understand alcoholism or sobriety.
Out of respect for my elders, I did not say the things I wanted to say nor did I use the tone that I wanted to use. But come on lady, butt out and stay in your own lane. My patience for her, and the rest of the in-laws, is wearing quite thin....
My brother-in-law turns 50 this year. My son turns 13 this year. Their birthdays are one day apart.
My BIL is going to Vegas to ring in his 50th. The whole family (minus kids) and a ton of friends are invited to go. (I should state here that I went to Vegas to ring in my 40th and BIL came out to Vegas to celebrate with us).
Now, I cannot go to Vegas. I will not be able to protect my sobriety there so this is a firm NO for me. Also, my son is celebrating a milestone birthday so it’s important to me to be there for him to usher in his teenage years.
My husband and I talked this over. We agreed that he will go to Vegas alone. He knows my real reason for not going is because of drinking. Finally, he supported a decision about my sobriety!
My mother in law, on the other hand, is appalled that I’m not going to Vegas. Per her, I must go and I can celebrate my son any other time. I was very clear in telling her that I would not be attending. She was not pleased. She does not understand alcoholism or sobriety.
Out of respect for my elders, I did not say the things I wanted to say nor did I use the tone that I wanted to use. But come on lady, butt out and stay in your own lane. My patience for her, and the rest of the in-laws, is wearing quite thin....
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Wow. The level of immaturity of your in-laws is astounding! Your son is a KID and your BIL is a grown man (sort of?). I'm glad you've put your foot down and said no to Vegas. I wish your husband would stay for your son's birthday, though. How will your son feel about his dad not being their for his special day?
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Originally Posted by sammymaguire 
Does she know that you are an alcoholic?
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Originally Posted by PippoRossi
Wow. The level of immaturity on your in-laws is astounding! Your son is a KID and your BIL is a grown man (sort of?). I'm glad you've put your foot down and said no to Vegas. I wish your husband would stay for your son's birthday, though. How will your son feel about his dad not being their for his special day?
The in-laws were quite displeased when I didn’t serve alcohol at my daughter’s birthday party. Lots of commenting and snickering that I had to ignore that day.
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Good for you for standing firm in your recovery. You made a good choice by not serving alcohol at your daughter's birthday, and a good decision in being present for your son's birthday, as well.
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You're doing exactly the right stuff, Atlast- while trying to be respectful. It's tough in these situations and I am glad that my husband always has my back if I don't go to something (and we don't have scenarios like this!).
Keep your head up - and your son's bday at the forefront of all this. That's a good reason to stick to your guns about not going.
You can do this.
Keep your head up - and your son's bday at the forefront of all this. That's a good reason to stick to your guns about not going.
You can do this.
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your m-i-l has it backwards as far as where you "should" be. good for you for being with your kid on his special day and not carrying forward this family's priorities.
looking after yourself and your sobriety is opening the door to breaking all kinds of destructive cycles.
hang in there!
looking after yourself and your sobriety is opening the door to breaking all kinds of destructive cycles.
hang in there!
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Why are son's needs being so devalued in the family, alcoholism aside?
My kids hate going to family events because they get ushered into one room to watch tv while the adults get drunk and want nothing to do with them.
For the last year now (since I’ve been sober), we attend the family functions for a very short amount of time and I can now validate my kids feelings. Unfortunately that wasn’t always the case, as I was one of those drunk, ignoring adults.
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Clearly I’m still in the funk I posted about yesterday and I’m letting this get under my skin.
The good news is I won’t drink over this. I’m quite stubborn and have, shall we say, a feisty personality. I won’t change my mind about Vegas or fold to the in-laws warped ways of thinking.
I was thinking of the situation, trying to find the silver lining, and I found it.
Whenever we host events where where both my family and my husbands family are invited, it becomes an awkward affair. Our families don’t really get along. My family is comprised of “Normies” and they don’t care if alcohol is available or not. They don’t like my in-laws and the feelings are mutual.
The silver lining is that I can have just my family over to celebrate my son - a party where no one is drunk, there are no awkward divisions, and no tension. For that I consider myself lucky and will present that as what I am grateful for today.
Thanks for for the insight, support, and replies, all!
The good news is I won’t drink over this. I’m quite stubborn and have, shall we say, a feisty personality. I won’t change my mind about Vegas or fold to the in-laws warped ways of thinking.
I was thinking of the situation, trying to find the silver lining, and I found it.
Whenever we host events where where both my family and my husbands family are invited, it becomes an awkward affair. Our families don’t really get along. My family is comprised of “Normies” and they don’t care if alcohol is available or not. They don’t like my in-laws and the feelings are mutual.
The silver lining is that I can have just my family over to celebrate my son - a party where no one is drunk, there are no awkward divisions, and no tension. For that I consider myself lucky and will present that as what I am grateful for today.
Thanks for for the insight, support, and replies, all!
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Originally Posted by fini
your m-i-l has it backwards as far as where you "should" be. good for you for being with your kid on his special day and not carrying forward this family's priorities.
looking after yourself and your sobriety is opening the door to breaking all kinds of destructive cycles.
hang in there!
looking after yourself and your sobriety is opening the door to breaking all kinds of destructive cycles.
hang in there!
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Sounds frustrating, but what is not is the fact that it's clear you have the correct perspective and your values in the right place. You can be affected by what your mother-in-law chooses to focus on but in the end you're making the decision that matters for yourself and thereby for all of those around you. Good work and stay strong.
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I think there is more than one silver lining here. Yes, you can avoid the awkwardness of having both families at your house, but more than that, you are setting boundaries, holding to them, and being there for your son, who NEEDS his mom present on his important day. I wish like heck your husband would be there, too, but that's a battle for a different day, I guess. In fact, this whole thing is a silver lining, if you ask me. You are getting your priorities straight, and letting the rest of the family know, in no uncertain terms, that you are in charge of your own actions.
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He has had 50 Birthdays, your son has had 13. Simple math to me 
Way to protect your sobriety. I too am not going to touch the Vegas situation. I actually never been because I thought (even while drinking) I was not responsible enough, now, I don't even want to risk it.
Way to protect your sobriety. I too am not going to touch the Vegas situation. I actually never been because I thought (even while drinking) I was not responsible enough, now, I don't even want to risk it.
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Felt compelled to login and post based on your thread. Have dealt with the same thing with my in-laws. It has been the toughest thing I've dealt with in sobriety. Nearly 1000 days sober now. I haven't spoken to them in 10 months at this point. My wife, their daughter, is an alcoholic too and coming up on a year sober.
My sobriety is a threat to them because I am no longer a mirror to their behavior. They tried everything they could to sabotage my sobriety, break our marriage up, etc.. It all came to a blow when I gave my wife a key card to a hotel that was good for 3 days and asked her to figure out what she wanted to do with her life and what family she wanted to be a part of. Immediately, they tried to jump in with a lawyer ready to help with a divorce. My wife finally woke up and saw how toxic they are and that I my instincts about them not supporting our marriage since I got sober were correct. It's unfortunate but alcoholism is a family disease. My first sponsor went through similar circumstances though with his own family and he did tell me "they will come after you with arrows." Being the first one is a tremendous responsibility and carries a heavy burden.
Ultimately, my two young boys now have two sober parents that are present in their life - when they're not driving us nuts....
My MIL is a master enabler, potential alcoholic and has been married to 2 alcoholic men - one that didn't hit any life trajectory who is my wifes bio father and the second an upper crust, wealth driven narc alcoholic who is extremely toxic. It's sad really. On top of that my SIL is an alcoholic also and had 11 months sober and is now drinking with the parents again.
It's been my experience that alcoholism kills families and AA brings them back together - it at least brought the one my two children depend on back together.
Best of luck and I just want to let you know that I carry the same burden and it is not easy but we have a tremendous chance to break the cycle for our families future.
Enjoy your child's birthday.
My sobriety is a threat to them because I am no longer a mirror to their behavior. They tried everything they could to sabotage my sobriety, break our marriage up, etc.. It all came to a blow when I gave my wife a key card to a hotel that was good for 3 days and asked her to figure out what she wanted to do with her life and what family she wanted to be a part of. Immediately, they tried to jump in with a lawyer ready to help with a divorce. My wife finally woke up and saw how toxic they are and that I my instincts about them not supporting our marriage since I got sober were correct. It's unfortunate but alcoholism is a family disease. My first sponsor went through similar circumstances though with his own family and he did tell me "they will come after you with arrows." Being the first one is a tremendous responsibility and carries a heavy burden.
Ultimately, my two young boys now have two sober parents that are present in their life - when they're not driving us nuts....
My MIL is a master enabler, potential alcoholic and has been married to 2 alcoholic men - one that didn't hit any life trajectory who is my wifes bio father and the second an upper crust, wealth driven narc alcoholic who is extremely toxic. It's sad really. On top of that my SIL is an alcoholic also and had 11 months sober and is now drinking with the parents again.
It's been my experience that alcoholism kills families and AA brings them back together - it at least brought the one my two children depend on back together.
Best of luck and I just want to let you know that I carry the same burden and it is not easy but we have a tremendous chance to break the cycle for our families future.
Enjoy your child's birthday.
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Chucktown- thank you for this post. Alcoholism is indeed a powerful family disease. My story echos much of yours.
Atlast- breaking the toxic boundaries is So. Hard. My situation is a little different in that the "dynamics" my husband and I are changing in our families are more benign - at this point, for my family, and for his it's a diff scenario where his parents don't get alcoholism but are completely supportive of our marriage and life. It took me a long time and truly, only into sobriety, to feel I had the right to make and keep healthy boundaries - and the compassion to do it with grace (99% of the time ).
Keep processing this- yet stick to where you are now with the decisions for your immediate family - and this can be one of those marking points in your journey that gives you strength going forward!!
Atlast- breaking the toxic boundaries is So. Hard. My situation is a little different in that the "dynamics" my husband and I are changing in our families are more benign - at this point, for my family, and for his it's a diff scenario where his parents don't get alcoholism but are completely supportive of our marriage and life. It took me a long time and truly, only into sobriety, to feel I had the right to make and keep healthy boundaries - and the compassion to do it with grace (99% of the time
).Keep processing this- yet stick to where you are now with the decisions for your immediate family - and this can be one of those marking points in your journey that gives you strength going forward!!
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Originally Posted by ChucktownMC
Felt compelled to login and post based on your thread. Have dealt with the same thing with my in-laws. It has been the toughest thing I've dealt with in sobriety. Nearly 1000 days sober now. I haven't spoken to them in 10 months at this point. My wife, their daughter, is an alcoholic too and coming up on a year sober.
My sobriety is a threat to them because I am no longer a mirror to their behavior. They tried everything they could to sabotage my sobriety, break our marriage up, etc.. It all came to a blow when I gave my wife a key card to a hotel that was good for 3 days and asked her to figure out what she wanted to do with her life and what family she wanted to be a part of. Immediately, they tried to jump in with a lawyer ready to help with a divorce. My wife finally woke up and saw how toxic they are and that I my instincts about them not supporting our marriage since I got sober were correct. It's unfortunate but alcoholism is a family disease. My first sponsor went through similar circumstances though with his own family and he did tell me "they will come after you with arrows." Being the first one is a tremendous responsibility and carries a heavy burden.
Ultimately, my two young boys now have two sober parents that are present in their life - when they're not driving us nuts....
My MIL is a master enabler, potential alcoholic and has been married to 2 alcoholic men - one that didn't hit any life trajectory who is my wifes bio father and the second an upper crust, wealth driven narc alcoholic who is extremely toxic. It's sad really. On top of that my SIL is an alcoholic also and had 11 months sober and is now drinking with the parents again.
It's been my experience that alcoholism kills families and AA brings them back together - it at least brought the one my two children depend on back together.
Best of luck and I just want to let you know that I carry the same burden and it is not easy but we have a tremendous chance to break the cycle for our families future.
Enjoy your child's birthday.
My sobriety is a threat to them because I am no longer a mirror to their behavior. They tried everything they could to sabotage my sobriety, break our marriage up, etc.. It all came to a blow when I gave my wife a key card to a hotel that was good for 3 days and asked her to figure out what she wanted to do with her life and what family she wanted to be a part of. Immediately, they tried to jump in with a lawyer ready to help with a divorce. My wife finally woke up and saw how toxic they are and that I my instincts about them not supporting our marriage since I got sober were correct. It's unfortunate but alcoholism is a family disease. My first sponsor went through similar circumstances though with his own family and he did tell me "they will come after you with arrows." Being the first one is a tremendous responsibility and carries a heavy burden.
Ultimately, my two young boys now have two sober parents that are present in their life - when they're not driving us nuts....
My MIL is a master enabler, potential alcoholic and has been married to 2 alcoholic men - one that didn't hit any life trajectory who is my wifes bio father and the second an upper crust, wealth driven narc alcoholic who is extremely toxic. It's sad really. On top of that my SIL is an alcoholic also and had 11 months sober and is now drinking with the parents again.
It's been my experience that alcoholism kills families and AA brings them back together - it at least brought the one my two children depend on back together.
Best of luck and I just want to let you know that I carry the same burden and it is not easy but we have a tremendous chance to break the cycle for our families future.
Enjoy your child's birthday.
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