Yesterday my sister asked if I'm an alcoholic
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Yesterday my sister asked if I'm an alcoholic
At a busy restaurant in front of her husband and my husband and it was a very awkward and unexpected moment for me.
I currently live in the USA with my husband. My sister and her husband have flown over to visit. They both LOVE wine. They go to regular wine tastings, fly to Alsace and various locations to do tastings. They even took some sort of degree in wine a year or so ago and own a huge wine fridge at home.
Yesterday my sister said 'We were both talking about this last night. We couldn't understand why you abruptly stopped drinking last July. Are you an alcoholic? Were you worried you were heading towards that way? It's just so strange that you suddenly don't drink at all!'
I don't really know how to describe my sister's personality, but I guarantee the question wasn't because I gave signs of being an alcoholic in the past, but clearly more because they just can't get their heads around the idea of someone just not drinking at all. It was very awkward for me to be asked that out of the blue at a busy brunch spot with my brother in law and husband there. I said 'No I'm not an alcoholic. Last year I did Dry January as I do every year, but I felt so healthy after it that I decided to reduce my drinking. Now that I'm not working and don't do as much after work social drinking, I decided to just give up all together and don't miss it because I never drank during the week any way. My husband then jumped in to save me and said 'You also love going to the gym to do cardio and weight lifting these days and are healthier in general!' He's the only one apart from one friend in the UK that I've told about my fears I was becoming an alcoholic.
She said 'But you panicked at Christmas when you thought I'd put alcohol in one of the sauces.' I said 'Um, no I didn't. YOU panicked at New Year when I ordered a dessert that had hints of liquor in it because I'd told you I don't drink any more. I still sometimes cook with alcohol. I just don't drink it.' So she didn't even remember events properly...
When I mentioned I still cook with alcohol, host parties for people and live with someone who drinks and asks me to pour them drinks she said 'Ah yes that is true! Well, did you know Mum accused ME of being an alcoholic recently! Hahahaha!' I said 'No. Really?' even though I did know because mum told me. My mum told me she had argued a lot with my sister last year and claims most of the time it was when my sister had been drinking and she never remembered the events the next day or pretended she didn't.
Then the conversation changed to something completely different.
I honestly don't know why I'm posting this! it's just been bothering me, as NO ONE has questioned me giving up at all, not even the people I used to drink with on weekends. I predicted my sister would mention it, but not so loudly at a restaurant.
316 days sober today by the way!
I currently live in the USA with my husband. My sister and her husband have flown over to visit. They both LOVE wine. They go to regular wine tastings, fly to Alsace and various locations to do tastings. They even took some sort of degree in wine a year or so ago and own a huge wine fridge at home.
Yesterday my sister said 'We were both talking about this last night. We couldn't understand why you abruptly stopped drinking last July. Are you an alcoholic? Were you worried you were heading towards that way? It's just so strange that you suddenly don't drink at all!'
I don't really know how to describe my sister's personality, but I guarantee the question wasn't because I gave signs of being an alcoholic in the past, but clearly more because they just can't get their heads around the idea of someone just not drinking at all. It was very awkward for me to be asked that out of the blue at a busy brunch spot with my brother in law and husband there. I said 'No I'm not an alcoholic. Last year I did Dry January as I do every year, but I felt so healthy after it that I decided to reduce my drinking. Now that I'm not working and don't do as much after work social drinking, I decided to just give up all together and don't miss it because I never drank during the week any way. My husband then jumped in to save me and said 'You also love going to the gym to do cardio and weight lifting these days and are healthier in general!' He's the only one apart from one friend in the UK that I've told about my fears I was becoming an alcoholic.
She said 'But you panicked at Christmas when you thought I'd put alcohol in one of the sauces.' I said 'Um, no I didn't. YOU panicked at New Year when I ordered a dessert that had hints of liquor in it because I'd told you I don't drink any more. I still sometimes cook with alcohol. I just don't drink it.' So she didn't even remember events properly...
When I mentioned I still cook with alcohol, host parties for people and live with someone who drinks and asks me to pour them drinks she said 'Ah yes that is true! Well, did you know Mum accused ME of being an alcoholic recently! Hahahaha!' I said 'No. Really?' even though I did know because mum told me. My mum told me she had argued a lot with my sister last year and claims most of the time it was when my sister had been drinking and she never remembered the events the next day or pretended she didn't.
Then the conversation changed to something completely different.
I honestly don't know why I'm posting this! it's just been bothering me, as NO ONE has questioned me giving up at all, not even the people I used to drink with on weekends. I predicted my sister would mention it, but not so loudly at a restaurant.
316 days sober today by the way!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
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Had a very, very similar experience with my mother in law. It wasn't underhanded or accusatory but, like your siste , she was surprised I quit entirely, especially based on the fact I used to drink etc. Was one of my least favorite things that has happened since I got sober. Can't exactly explain why. Something about the idea that something is wrong with me for me to have to quit drinking. I don't know.
Either way, I can relate. Big congrats on the 316 days!
Either way, I can relate. Big congrats on the 316 days!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Maybe I am weird but I don't see why anyone would need to explain or justify non-drinking. I think that non- drinking is natural, not the sign of a lunatic or fringe member of society. I can certainly understand why people need to explain or justify their use of alcohol, but not using it ???
Also maybe your sister is beginning to have concerns over her drinking and so is kind of testing the waters and interested in your reasons for being non-drinking.
Also maybe your sister is beginning to have concerns over her drinking and so is kind of testing the waters and interested in your reasons for being non-drinking.
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In my opinion, that's an inappropriate question to ask anyone. It's a personal decision. You didn't bring it up and she should not have asked. Who knows whether or not your sister has a drinking problem, but it does seem that alcohol plays a large part in her life.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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I guess it is different for everyone. When I got sober, it was in the hospital as I was getting treatment for my liver failure. My sister was the only one with me at the hospital, as she is the only one that lives local to me. So, right off the bat, she knew how serious my problem was. I then communicated it to the rest of my family and friends, as I did not want it to be a secret.
My parents still don't seem to get it, or don't want to accept the severity of it. Every time I see them, they still offer me alcohol, and ask if I'm "still doing the no drinking thing"....
Anyway, if I was you I would just make it abundantly clear that you don't drink anymore, and never will again. If you are uncomfortable with the word "alcoholic" you don't have to use it. Just say you do not drink anymore, and that's that.
My parents still don't seem to get it, or don't want to accept the severity of it. Every time I see them, they still offer me alcohol, and ask if I'm "still doing the no drinking thing"....
Anyway, if I was you I would just make it abundantly clear that you don't drink anymore, and never will again. If you are uncomfortable with the word "alcoholic" you don't have to use it. Just say you do not drink anymore, and that's that.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by lessgravity 
Was one of my least favorite things that has happened since I got sober. Can't exactly explain why. Something about the idea that something is wrong with me for me to have to quit drinking. I don't know.
Either way, I can relate. Big congrats on the 316 days!
Either way, I can relate. Big congrats on the 316 days!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Congratulations on your sobriety, that is wonderful!
I do think some people just cannot wrap their minds around someone who would choose not to drink. Ultimately, what she said was not supportive of you very much regardless of your reasons. Hats off to your hubs for stepping in and saying what he did.
I was with someone over the weekend who chooses not to drink for health reasons. She has had cancer and is afraid that will be damaging to her body. She was just telling me the same thing, that it is very aggravating that people ask her all the time why she does not drink. She, nor you, owe anyone an explanation.
You are accountable to you, and those whom you may choose to use as an accountability partner. Beyond that, none of their business.
Well done!!!
I do think some people just cannot wrap their minds around someone who would choose not to drink. Ultimately, what she said was not supportive of you very much regardless of your reasons. Hats off to your hubs for stepping in and saying what he did.
I was with someone over the weekend who chooses not to drink for health reasons. She has had cancer and is afraid that will be damaging to her body. She was just telling me the same thing, that it is very aggravating that people ask her all the time why she does not drink. She, nor you, owe anyone an explanation.
You are accountable to you, and those whom you may choose to use as an accountability partner. Beyond that, none of their business.
Well done!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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nez- Yeah it's a strange one and was very awkward! My drinking consisted of nothing Mon -Thurs then I'd go out with friends and get wasted on a Friday. I'd then wake up hungover on Saturday and often drink through to Sunday night. My sister and her husband have been Monday-Sunday drinkers for years, but I've never seen them in the crazy wasted state I used to get into.
Anna- I agree. It was very out of the blue and the fact she said 'We were discussing it last night' really made me feel bad. Like it was worth people actually sitting and trying to understand why I'd not be drinking.
WhoDeyPI- You've reminded me of something. My husband's parents do actually say 'Are you still not drinking?' every time I see them even though I say 'I'm never drinking again' each time I see them!
Anna- I agree. It was very out of the blue and the fact she said 'We were discussing it last night' really made me feel bad. Like it was worth people actually sitting and trying to understand why I'd not be drinking.
WhoDeyPI- You've reminded me of something. My husband's parents do actually say 'Are you still not drinking?' every time I see them even though I say 'I'm never drinking again' each time I see them!
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Congratulations on your sobriety, that is wonderful!
I do think some people just cannot wrap their minds around someone who would choose not to drink. Ultimately, what she said was not supportive of you very much regardless of your reasons. Hats off to your hubs for stepping in and saying what he did.
I was with someone over the weekend who chooses not to drink for health reasons. She has had cancer and is afraid that will be damaging to her body. She was just telling me the same thing, that it is very aggravating that people ask her all the time why she does not drink. She, nor you, owe anyone an explanation.
You are accountable to you, and those whom you may choose to use as an accountability partner. Beyond that, none of their business.
Well done!!!
I do think some people just cannot wrap their minds around someone who would choose not to drink. Ultimately, what she said was not supportive of you very much regardless of your reasons. Hats off to your hubs for stepping in and saying what he did.
I was with someone over the weekend who chooses not to drink for health reasons. She has had cancer and is afraid that will be damaging to her body. She was just telling me the same thing, that it is very aggravating that people ask her all the time why she does not drink. She, nor you, owe anyone an explanation.
You are accountable to you, and those whom you may choose to use as an accountability partner. Beyond that, none of their business.
Well done!!!
I feel very sorry for your friend having to explain why she doesn't drink. It's not like we were all born into the world clutching a vodka bottle, so I'm not sure why so many people can't get their heads around a person simply not drinking. I guess that's the society we live in and I'm fortunate that this situation with my sister is the only time this has happened.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
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I agree with the previous comment that she is prying because she is concerned about her own drinking. Also she may have the typical negative image of alcoholics as homeless people on park benches. I would have started spewing health statistics, fatty liver, cancer risks increases, increased risk of Alzheimer’s, etc until she herself was freaked out. Still want that wine sis?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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We definitely live in a society where drinking is the norm to many. I hope it does not happen to you again, but if it does just remember what a great thing you have done for yourself.
I don't know if you live in the US or not (I do). I was speaking to someone from another country the other day who said that they cannot believe how someone will just pry into your life in this country and ask questions that are not appropriate at all. I have to say, I agree with this in many circumstances.
It was an interesting talk. I wish you all the best!
I don't know if you live in the US or not (I do). I was speaking to someone from another country the other day who said that they cannot believe how someone will just pry into your life in this country and ask questions that are not appropriate at all. I have to say, I agree with this in many circumstances.
It was an interesting talk. I wish you all the best!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
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You know what I think?
I think your sister thinks SHE herself is an alcoholic...and wanted to hear from you that you think you are as well.
I think she is curious about HOW you stopped drinking cause she can't.
Congratulations on your 316 days.....that is awesome!
I think your sister thinks SHE herself is an alcoholic...and wanted to hear from you that you think you are as well.
I think she is curious about HOW you stopped drinking cause she can't.
Congratulations on your 316 days.....that is awesome!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
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People/society are/is incredibly fricken weird about drinking/not drinking/addiction/yours/theirs...blah blah. Its all an incredible game. When ya really stand back and watch the whole thing, its mind boggling. Humans love to get high, on lots of stuff. But shhhh, don't say anything. And god forbid ya lose the ability to control yourself....you're makin us all look bad......
Sober people are like a big mirror under fluorescent lights that others have to look in....and it makes some very uncomfortable.
Sober people are like a big mirror under fluorescent lights that others have to look in....and it makes some very uncomfortable.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by NerfThis
WhoDeyPI- You've reminded me of something. My husband's parents do actually say 'Are you still not drinking?' every time I see them even though I say 'I'm never drinking again' each time I see them!
All that being said, most people in my life know my diagnosis, but I've kind of "eased" my parents into it. Treating them with "kid gloves" if you will, because I don't want to break their heart. So to them, maybe they still believe I'm curable.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
I’m sorry this situation happened to you. My first thought was did you often drink when with your sister? The people who have been the most vocal to me have been the ones I typically drank with. Personally, I think it is utterly shocking for them to see us in a different way and also causes them to reflect upon their own drinking.
Glad and you have a supportive hubby. Congrats on 316 days!
Glad and you have a supportive hubby. Congrats on 316 days!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by hopeful4
We definitely live in a society where drinking is the norm to many. I hope it does not happen to you again, but if it does just remember what a great thing you have done for yourself.
I don't know if you live in the US or not (I do). I was speaking to someone from another country the other day who said that they cannot believe how someone will just pry into your life in this country and ask questions that are not appropriate at all. I have to say, I agree with this in many circumstances.
It was an interesting talk. I wish you all the best!
I don't know if you live in the US or not (I do). I was speaking to someone from another country the other day who said that they cannot believe how someone will just pry into your life in this country and ask questions that are not appropriate at all. I have to say, I agree with this in many circumstances.
It was an interesting talk. I wish you all the best!
I have had weird questions about my body when I lost a lot of weight years ago, people ask me all the time why I don't have kids (SO inappropriate) and ask me what's wrong with me because I'm single. They ask why I don't drink, flat out ask me if I'm alcoholic, ask me how much money I make, and all kinds of way too personal questions.
I am getting pretty good at saying, "Bless your heart, you didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable, did you?" or, like dandylion says over in Friends & Family, "I'll forgive you for asking if you'll forgive me for not answering."
People need to mind their own business.
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Join Date: May 2019
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I haven't had anyone ask me that yet, but it seems like it would be uncomfortable. I'm early enough (just over three weeks in) that I can still say, "Trying to lose a little weight" when someone asks why I'm not drinking. I've only been around people who were drinking a couple times in the past few weeks.
If someone asked me directly, "Are you an alcoholic?" I'm not sure how I would answer. When I think about how easily I used to lie about how much I had drunk ("Just a couple beers after work with some co-workers") or where I was when drinking ("At the gym. Be home in an hour!"), it should be pretty easy to come up with a white lie for this case.
"No. Why do you ask? Are you?" might be my go-to here.
If someone asked me directly, "Are you an alcoholic?" I'm not sure how I would answer. When I think about how easily I used to lie about how much I had drunk ("Just a couple beers after work with some co-workers") or where I was when drinking ("At the gym. Be home in an hour!"), it should be pretty easy to come up with a white lie for this case.
"No. Why do you ask? Are you?" might be my go-to here.
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