Numblady

Why does it bother me so much?

People have all kinds of delusions with themselves. There’s not really a productive reason I should let it bug me.

And yet it does. And I’m afraid I’ll say something bitchy when I’m trying not to say anything because I know I’m not in a good place about it. If I can get in a good place about touchy subjects I can usually make positive headway by asking non-judgmental open ended questions. But I am not there. So when I do see her (she lives out of town) I’m worried I’ll blurt something out.

She’s also talked (it kind of feels like bragged though I don’t really think that’s what she intended) about how easy it was to quit alcohol (and in the back of my mind I”m like, um, yeah, you told your husband to stop and he stopped, so you didn’t have to see it and also you get high every single day ).

If I saw her more regularly I’d probably just send her a non-confrontational email but I haven’t seen her for a long time but have heard through someone who just saw her that she was talking about how great life was now that she got sober (then offered him some pot).

Any advice from you wise owls?

biminiblue

I don't have any friends with whom I agree on every point in their lives or conversation, however I don't spend time with people who I know are pot smoking or doing any kind of drugs or who are heavy drinkers. That's just a choice I made for myself.

Is it legal where you live? It's legal in my state, but not in cars or in public. I wouldn't let anyone smoke in my house even though it's legal. So I'd have that conversation. It's in my interest to put boundaries in place for what I will be around and I wouldn't be around pot smoking at all.

If it's not legal where you live, I'd be careful about being in her company at all. I certainly wouldn't drive her anywhere knowing she would have it on her.

If it is legal, then I guess tolerance comes with understanding. It sounds like you two just have different definitions and if she's a friend you should be able to discuss that as adults, but you don't have to agree and you don't have to be around it if you don't want to be.

Jim1958

I think a better term here would be "sober from alcohol". Some people say that taking anything means you are not sober. There is a school of thought that any drug will take you back to your "drug of choice" - for me alcohol. I tried just weed and no alcohol, but what would happen is I would get stoned and think how great a beer would go with it. And there you go. If it works for your friend, ok then. It is not your issue.

nez

When other people's behavior bothers me it is because I am suffering from a lack of humility. I know what is best and what they are doing is not best.

NerfThis

If she was trying to quit alcohol and succeeded, then yes she is sober and smoking weed is really her choice. I'd not class it as connected to her alcohol sobriety. If it's not having negative impacts on your life then it really shouldn't be an issue for you.

Nictotine is a highly addictive drug and detrimental to health, yet I'm pretty sure a number of people on this board smoke and would still class themselves as sober.

tomls

I always have to keep reminding myself that you can't control other people. I am doing well to control myself.

Dee74

Thinks like that bothered me for a few years too.

Seen that 'someone is wrong on the internet' cartoon?



That was me only it extended into real life too and to things as well as people.

For me there was probably some ego involved as Nez suggests, but I really did genuinely worry about people and things. I wanted to help and to fix.

I look back now though and I see that someone/thing is wrong mindset was also an aid to drinking.

If something is always wrong, if I'm always upset over something, if I'm always working hard to fix unsolveable things and wearing myself down, it made it easier for me to make that decision to drink.

Once I realised that, I (gradually) gave up being General Manger of the Universe - which for me was good cos that was a lot of responsibility, lol.

I feel sorry for your friend, but it's not your burden to carry numblady

D

KissMyTiara

Nicotine is a drug. Caffeine is a drug. Lots of people say they are sober ingest these. It depends on where you draw the line. If you friend thinks weed is OK, then let it be. Not your problem.

tomsteve

Any advice from you wise owls?
not my circus
not my monkey.

ThatWasTheOldMe

If alcohol was her problem and she's sober from it, she's sober.

entropy1964

All I worry about is my abstinence.

If someones substance use is bothering me or in my face, I tell them. If not, I don't. I don't care if people smoke weed around me, or drink for that matter. But I wouldn't want someone lighting up in my house on a regular basis so I'd voice that boundary.

But the 'who's more sober/recovered' measuring stick? Who cares. I have enough of my own personality crap to deal with.

I'd let that stuff go cause it'll make ya crazy and distract you from, well, you.

BrianK

What stuck out to me was you opened with, "Why does it bother me so much?" Right from the get-go you were taking your own inventory.

entropy1964

Dee I love that cartoon. Ha! My daughter and I were just talking about that. How we used to get soooo worked up about online stuff, drama, etc. Ya know, ya can just turn it off. But it can be so hard to separate that stuff when you're new, or young.

And drama? Oh isn't it addicting.

Anyway, back to the regularly scheduled programming

ScottFromWI

Whether or not she is "sober" is a question only she can answer for herself. Why does it bother you? Maybe it makes you jealous that she can still get high but say she's sober? You say that you barely ever see her anyway and you are basing most of your judgments ( and that's what they are ) on third party knowledge anyway. So really the main reason it bothers you is because you let it bother you. Her version of what sobriety is is not relevant to your sobriety, so treat it like it is - and just let it go. My therapist taught me a phrase that I actually repeat in my head or even say out loud when things like this happen to me - "not for me". Simple and to the point and it really does work if you take a step back first and realize that it's mainly just your head going in circles.

MIRecovery

dcg

It's not a contest.

Misssy2

I don't think you should hold it in....I think you should tell her your "view" on it...everyone has one...doesn't mean yours is correct...just means it is your view and then at least you may not have to hear anymore "pot" stories.

My thought pattern is...I'm not going to die from smoking pot...I don't like smoking pot but if it is around I will smoke it....and I am not going to die from a couple hits of a joint.

BUT...if I have a couple SIPS of alcohol....I'm very close to being a "goner" everytime.....

I don't care what people think....I need to do what keeps me away from alcohol....Pot does not do that....meetings keeps me away....but some people use pot to stay away from alcohol.....I know people sober for years "from alcohol" that smoke pot.

I don't care what anyone DOES as long as they stay alive.

My son can drink beers and I'm not mad at him...he claims to not be a drug addict or alcoholic and I don't believe he is....but he will do both once in a while and has never over done either or gotten in trouble for either....so he has no problem.

Rd2quit

I have a friend who did the same thing. He used to drink excessively and smoke weed everyday. He quit drinking two years ago but still smokes weed everyday. It works for him so I don't care.

when I quit drinking 7 1/2 months ago I was smoking weed two to three times a month. I decided I wanted to be totally sober so I have not smoked weed since I quit drinking. I quit nicotine 10 years ago and never consumed much caffeine, just Pepsi sometimes. You could make the case though that I am addicted to sugar. Not overweight but I have a sweet tooth.

Numblady

Lots of good advice here. Thank you all. It really helps me. Will have to come back to this if my Ms Bossy. Pants thoughts return.

Bonniefloyd