suncatcher

When I first joined SR I was here because I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. Most of my posts have been about this alcoholic in my life. Now that I am back I am delving deeper into my own reasons for being here which is my codependency. Looking back I can see I have been codependent way before the relationship with the alcoholic in my life though that brought it to the forefront. When I watched Anne Lamonts video, she mentioned "you can't go chasing your children with chap stick and sunscreen...you have to let them go, it is disrespectful not to." I could see myself in that statement. Always worrying, trying to make everyone comfortable, trying to help everyone. It is very hard to look at ourselves sometimes. We tend to look outward at everyone else. I am relating to a lot of posts here lately and doing some real soul searching. Hoping to really get to the core and educate myself on this codependency thing. I am trying not to be too hard on myself but at the same time not lose momentum on the work I have ahead of me. I know it is going to take time and will most likely not be fixed with one book or one video as much as I would love that! Thank you for listening.

dandylion

suncatcher.....According to the written word..by scholars on the subject....the seeds for co-dependency and many personality features are sown in the early developing years....by our caretakers....
LOl...those who know me know that I am big on learning....I always say "Knowledge is Power".....and, I believe that,,,,
But, I think that if you want to get to the origins of your own co-dependency, you will need the added benefit of a good therapist to help you do the excavation....digging into your own family of origin dynamics and how you were effected....
Probably, a couple of years, at least...with a backhoe....

suncatcher

Thank you dandylion. I was just thinking about looking into a therapist. Do you have any ideas on where to begin and how to find one that is geared to helping those with codependency issues? I have had a few therapy sessions when I was in my marriage long ago but the codependency never came up back then. It is scary because I know it will bring up things I may be uncomfortable with but I am willing to do the work.

dandylion

suncatcher....I suggest looking for a therapist who is trained, specifically, in family therapy....not, just a generalist....
Yes, it really be scary to look into some of those kinds of issues...that is why it takes a skilled therapist to guide and support you, as it goes along.....

for what it is worth...there are so many versions of the definition of co-dependency....but, my favorite one is this: "Co-dependency is not so much about the relationship with another, as it is the LACK of relationship with the self".....

suncatcher

So true Dandylion! The Lack of relationship with the self! I think that may be why it is easier though not the healthy approach, to focus on others so much. That way we avoid that scary relationship with ourself. I think after my nursing school experience recently, not graduating because I failed the HESI exit exam, triggered those feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Then since those were uncomfortable for me I started focusing on the qualifier's issues and trying to rescue!

LovePeaceSushi

Very thought provoking! And dandylion, you are so correct (or whoever wrote it was so correct) - it really boils down to the lack of relationship with the self.

That can be a scary place. I can look back in my life and see poor relationship choices I made just so I didn't have to be alone for any long amount of time.

Suncatcher, can you retake the exam?

Also, do you want to know something? I went through online real estate school...finished the course, and DID NOT TAKE MY TEST in time to get my license. Now I have to do the school again. I think I was scared of failure, scared of having to actually get out in the world TO take the test, and scared of what I would do next. I self-defeated. Not proud of myself.

dandylion

Suncatcher....don't let the HESI exams give you the blues...there are tons of reasons for failing tests of that nature...which have absolutely nothing to do with how adequate you are or how much you have learned.....
I am an old veteran (victim...lol) of test taking......ugh!...sigh.....

suncatcher

Unfortunately, I was only able to take the test once in my last semester and since it was 20% of my grade it made my final grade at 79 and I needed an 80 to pass. I am going back for Spring semester in January and repeating the class I failed and will have to take the HESI exams again then. I have been studying while I am off. I know all about self defeating, lovepeacesushi. I think I don't even realize I do that to myself at times. Like staying in unfullfilling relationships to feel safe and not get hurt or to avoid putting myself out there to get hurt. I also tend to like to be alone which is not always a bad thing to enjoy your own company but it can be unhealthy to isolate too much also. Thank you for your encouragement, dandy and love peace.

pdm22

We tend to look outward at everyone else

Suncatcher, are you familiar with Myers Briggs? I’m going to leave this “cognitive functions” test here for you (there are 16 Myers Briggs personality types, and each type has a functions order of preference). When you are looking at nature vs nurture, this would be on the “nature” side of things.

This doesn’t explain everything, but it’s really helped me to understand myself and others better, and also when I’ve examined my own family of origins stuff, particularly the differences between me and a sibling close in age, who is quite different from me in a lot of ways. I’m going to guess that you might be high in “Fe” (focused on other people/ others rather than the internal world/ the self).

I tend to go back and forth looking at this and Enneagram, I don’t think any 1 thing explains it all, but this piece of it might be useful/ helpful?

https://sakinorva.net/functions

suncatcher

Thank you, pdm22. I have taken it but it has been a while. I do know it said I am an introvert. I do need a lot of alone time to recharge which did help me understand this is not a bad thing. I enjoy people but after being around them for a period of time, I need to go off by myself for a while. In college years ago, I wanted a single room while most wanted room mates. I live alone and have no desire to have a human to live with me. Cats acceptable lol. I have to have my solitude. I will take the myers briggs again to see what other the other letters were and what they mean. It may help me and others explain why I am the way I am. When I say focus on others here I think I tend to focus on others to avoid focusing on myself at times. Helping and rescuing. Then I get emotionally and physically drained and have to go to my happy place to be alone.

pdm22

^Me too, an introvert, and I also love cats. That’s one of my favorite pastimes if I’m just kicking around, is hanging out with my cats, or watching cat videos .


https://youtu.be/EFPTe9vOIkc

suncatcher

Love my cats too pdm22. I have two and always enjoy being home with them watching netflix or reading.

suncatcher

Sdm22 I guess the perfect relationship for me being an introverted codie would be let me fix you but then go away! �� working on a more healthy dynamic however. But in all honesty that is my current situation with my qualifier. He lives with his dad, I can go over and hang out while rescuing and trying to fix things and then come back home to my cats . Not the ideal but it does explain the trade off to some degree?

suncatcher

When I think about it, that is really rather selfish. But I think I am getting that is kind of what codependents do. They help and rescue more to fill a need within themselves more than to actually fill the other person's needs. Thought provoking indeed!

suncatcher

The need to be needed but also the need to be alone? Can others relate to this? It does seem strange to me.

LifeChangeNYC

Glenjo99

Makes sense and it's all related to attachment styles. If your not sure what they are there's loads online about it. I learned about them through a course I did, explains a lot! Secure, insecure and avoidant are the main types.

suncatcher

Thank you all. I have been in the extreme where I have lost myself caring for someone elses needs but then found some balance in learning when I needed to step back and regroup and maintain my independence. I think it is a process for sure. I also hate to make plans and prefer spontaneous get togethers. For me, the best plans are no plans. This has caused some conflicts with a coworker friend who always wanted to make advanced plans with me and would get upset with me when I bailed out sometimes. I work night shift and sometimes just need time to sleep and putter around the house catching up on my own stuff.

suncatcher

I finally had to tell the above mentioned coworker that I do not like to make plans in advance. He and I are very different. We have been close platonic friends and then he gets mad and won't speak to me. I have learned this person can be sort of toxic. I can still work with him and be civil but choose not to be friends outside of work with him. He can be very intense and demanding and I feel anxious around him.

dandylion

suncatcher......there is a website devoted to the introvert...…
introvertdear.com
You might enjoy looking at it....
Here is one article from that website that explains the difference between the introverted and extroverted brain.....

https://introvertdear.com/news/intro...ng-to-science/

***However, it is pointed out that introversion and extroversion are the extremes of this personality measure. It is a continuum with introversion on one end and extroversion being on the opposite extreme.
It is said by those who study this...that, the VAST majority of the people studied, worldwide, are clustered in the middle of the continuum.....(ambiversion)……That most people have the ability to "slide" in one direction or another, as needed.....

***This is solely a personal observation of mine---I have always been amazed, whenever this subject comes up for discussion,...at the number of people who identify themselves as "introvert", on this forum......