Newcomers to Recovery Forum
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 1
Newcomers to Recovery Forum
Hello,
I am currently in a dilemma and possibly will get some feedback on how to proceed.
I am 57years old and meet a wonderful person, only Last Year. He is the same age. We have a lot in common, love of family, both divorced over 5 years, older children and we both felt blessed this time around. We have traveled together. Went to an all-inclusive vacant!!!
Except, I didn't know he was an alcoholic, nor that he was sober for 20 + years and his disease has suddenly progressed for the worst. he started to drink 5 years ago but with so many lies, I don't know what to believe.
He went to dextox in March, lied about being sober, went to a psych ward and continued to drink after he came home. Now he is in a 30-day rehab with 3 weeks in. I heard from his sister that he was in rehab in his 20's. He surprised everyone this time around. Closet drinker. So sad.
With that being said. I know I will not be involved with him until I know for sure he is sober. Some people say at least 3 months. He called me once from rehab and wants to go back to what it was before but who knows now. I love him just not into all the lying. I have a hard time knowing what to say and not to trigger him.
Thank you and looking forward to hearing from you. Kate
I am currently in a dilemma and possibly will get some feedback on how to proceed.
I am 57years old and meet a wonderful person, only Last Year. He is the same age. We have a lot in common, love of family, both divorced over 5 years, older children and we both felt blessed this time around. We have traveled together. Went to an all-inclusive vacant!!!
Except, I didn't know he was an alcoholic, nor that he was sober for 20 + years and his disease has suddenly progressed for the worst. he started to drink 5 years ago but with so many lies, I don't know what to believe.
He went to dextox in March, lied about being sober, went to a psych ward and continued to drink after he came home. Now he is in a 30-day rehab with 3 weeks in. I heard from his sister that he was in rehab in his 20's. He surprised everyone this time around. Closet drinker. So sad.
With that being said. I know I will not be involved with him until I know for sure he is sober. Some people say at least 3 months. He called me once from rehab and wants to go back to what it was before but who knows now. I love him just not into all the lying. I have a hard time knowing what to say and not to trigger him.
Thank you and looking forward to hearing from you. Kate
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 184
Hi Kate, I really feel for you. I am far from an expert in relationships but all I would say is you need to focus on yourself and staying healthy and looking after yourself first. You clearly love this man but try to support from a distance/arms length a little if thats possible to do, until he is several months sober at least. If he loves you he will understand that you need to do that. My personal opinion on relationships is that Nobody in this world is worth ruining your recovery for.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Hi Kate,
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. I can only speak for myself, and I’m only early in my recovery, but coming from the other side, I can emphatically say that I would never have quit for anyone while I was actively drinking. I would lie, cheat, hide, made up excuses, argue, and fight anyone who would try to make me stop. Until I was ready to quit myself.
Ultimatums would not work, I would either lie (pretend to listen and agree, then stop for a little while until they dropped their guard, and then start in secret agin), or simply just walk.
I am not in a position to give advice, nor is it my place to suggest any actions that I think are right for you, so please just see this as one voice of many, but I think you may enter a world of hurt, anger, sadness, and disappointment, if you stay involved with him. I know I’ve done my share of that in past relationships.
FT
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. I can only speak for myself, and I’m only early in my recovery, but coming from the other side, I can emphatically say that I would never have quit for anyone while I was actively drinking. I would lie, cheat, hide, made up excuses, argue, and fight anyone who would try to make me stop. Until I was ready to quit myself.
Ultimatums would not work, I would either lie (pretend to listen and agree, then stop for a little while until they dropped their guard, and then start in secret agin), or simply just walk.
I am not in a position to give advice, nor is it my place to suggest any actions that I think are right for you, so please just see this as one voice of many, but I think you may enter a world of hurt, anger, sadness, and disappointment, if you stay involved with him. I know I’ve done my share of that in past relationships.
FT
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
Hi Kate,
I'm sorry for your situation.
Unfortunately, you will not know that he will not know for sure he is sober in 3 months. There are no guarantees with addiction. And, unfortunately addicts lie in order to sustain their addiction. I'm glad that he is seeking treatment.
For you, you might check out AlAnon in your city as a support.
I'm sorry for your situation.
Unfortunately, you will not know that he will not know for sure he is sober in 3 months. There are no guarantees with addiction. And, unfortunately addicts lie in order to sustain their addiction. I'm glad that he is seeking treatment.
For you, you might check out AlAnon in your city as a support.
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