Verbal abuse while drunk?
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Verbal abuse while drunk?
Came home and found my wife on the ground outside of our home wasted, babbling about how she hated me and wanted out. I got her inside. She lay on the floor saying the worst things about me and how she wanted out.
This went on for an hour till she went to sleep.
I said nothing the entire time... just sat and read a book.
She had a bad day due to family circumstances which is what triggered that night's drinking.
Should i even consider what she said to me?
The other night she was extemely affectionate and loving. When sober she is the most wonderful person and caters to me.
What's going on? Should I take anything she says when drunk seriously?
This went on for an hour till she went to sleep.
I said nothing the entire time... just sat and read a book.
She had a bad day due to family circumstances which is what triggered that night's drinking.
Should i even consider what she said to me?
The other night she was extemely affectionate and loving. When sober she is the most wonderful person and caters to me.
What's going on? Should I take anything she says when drunk seriously?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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None of us can read your wife's mind to know whether this stream of abuse came from the heart or not.
The question isn't really should you take it seriously, but why should you "take it" at all.
She did not drink because of family circumstances, my friend. She drank because she is an alcoholic. This will continue. That's what's going on.
The question isn't really should you take it seriously, but why should you "take it" at all.
She did not drink because of family circumstances, my friend. She drank because she is an alcoholic. This will continue. That's what's going on.
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Alcoholics and addicts have lowered impulse control because of the substance. Alot of those comments, thoughts etc that came out of her mouth were there somewhere in her mind. The alcohol just helped let them out. It didn't form them.
I've seen the rants and diatribes too often. Sports drinks and/or caffeine help fuel the alcoholic's here. But again alot of those rants are what they really think. It's not just about the list of grievances and comments but their attitude during the rant is probably a pretty accurate representation of their actual mindset.
I wouldn't let her use alcohol as an excuse to go on a rant or abuse you. Because if you don't set boundaries she will continue to do it.
I've seen the rants and diatribes too often. Sports drinks and/or caffeine help fuel the alcoholic's here. But again alot of those rants are what they really think. It's not just about the list of grievances and comments but their attitude during the rant is probably a pretty accurate representation of their actual mindset.
I wouldn't let her use alcohol as an excuse to go on a rant or abuse you. Because if you don't set boundaries she will continue to do it.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Current situation: She goes to bars, restaurants and hotels to drink. She sometimes buys a bottle and carries it in her purse drinking outside or in the house secretly. Sometimes when drunk she is extremely abusive especially if she is stressed or I say anything to set her off. Last month she called the police after she attacked me.
The violence and verbal abuse are not okay.
What are you doing for your own recovery from this very ill dynamic? Something has to change in order for healing of some kind to have room to start. We can't control other people, yet we can take new steps to helping ourselves.
Even leaving home for a few weeks can give space to start thinking more clearly.
The violence and verbal abuse are not okay.
What are you doing for your own recovery from this very ill dynamic? Something has to change in order for healing of some kind to have room to start. We can't control other people, yet we can take new steps to helping ourselves.
Even leaving home for a few weeks can give space to start thinking more clearly.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by endofmyrope65 
What's going on? Should I take anything she says when drunk seriously?
i think you should take it seriously in a sense that it shouldnt be tolerated.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by endofmyrope65
She had a bad day due to family circumstances which is what triggered that night's drinking.
Is this the life that you want? If not, you also have many choices. People, including you, perhaps have many fears that paralyze them, but these fears can always be shifted with tools, education and community. Nobody is ever stuck. Nobody.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
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My XAH did the same thing. I too made excuses, he had a bad day, he was drunk, etc...it is never ok. I never new who I was getting...angry guy, passed out guy, loving annoying guy, zoned out guy....doesn’t appear you do either with your wife. It will not get better.
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Originally Posted by endofmyrope65
....babbling about how she hated me and wanted out....She lay on the floor saying the worst things about me and how she wanted out....
....This went on for an hour till she went to sleep....
....Should i even consider what she said to me?....
What's going on? Should I take anything she says when drunk seriously?
....This went on for an hour till she went to sleep....
....Should i even consider what she said to me?....
What's going on? Should I take anything she says when drunk seriously?
I would have been tempted to record an episode like that.
I am very sorry that your wife is so sick, and I'm also really sorry you are suffering her behaviors. I hope in the future you decide to remove yourself from the situation so you don't have to endure such abuse.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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In vino veritas.
Originally Posted by thequest
Alcoholics and addicts have lowered impulse control because of the substance. Alot of those comments, thoughts etc that came out of her mouth were there somewhere in her mind. The alcohol just helped let them out. It didn't form them.
I've seen the rants and diatribes too often. Sports drinks and/or caffeine help fuel the alcoholic's here. But again alot of those rants are what they really think. It's not just about the list of grievances and comments but their attitude during the rant is probably a pretty accurate representation of their actual mindset.
I wouldn't let her use alcohol as an excuse to go on a rant or abuse you. Because if you don't set boundaries she will continue to do it.
I've seen the rants and diatribes too often. Sports drinks and/or caffeine help fuel the alcoholic's here. But again alot of those rants are what they really think. It's not just about the list of grievances and comments but their attitude during the rant is probably a pretty accurate representation of their actual mindset.
I wouldn't let her use alcohol as an excuse to go on a rant or abuse you. Because if you don't set boundaries she will continue to do it.
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I'm not entirely sure that what an alcoholic says when they are drunk really is how they feel--because of lowered inhibitions.
I've read many threads in our Newcomers forum written by newly sober alcoholics who are horrified to learn what they have said and done while drunk. They claim that it in no way reflects how they really feel.
To me, the heart of the matter is this: regardless of the reason for the torrent of abuse, I am not required to hang around and put up with it.
I've read many threads in our Newcomers forum written by newly sober alcoholics who are horrified to learn what they have said and done while drunk. They claim that it in no way reflects how they really feel.
To me, the heart of the matter is this: regardless of the reason for the torrent of abuse, I am not required to hang around and put up with it.
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It's up to you how much you want to take of this. I don't believe its not affecting you though, even if she's nice when she sobers up.
She seems pretty far gone if you found her outside the house on the ground. That's not very safe for her. I do understand why you would have stayed with her in that condition though, as she might have been a danger to herself.
She seems pretty far gone if you found her outside the house on the ground. That's not very safe for her. I do understand why you would have stayed with her in that condition though, as she might have been a danger to herself.
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can we back up a bit here??? i think a very important "event" is being overlooked:
Came home and found my wife on the ground outside of our home wasted,
isn't ^^^ this more of the issue? one is so drunk that they stumble around outside their own home and end up on the ground and STAY there? if you found her in this same state but she was saying "i love you" would it be ok in any way????
what if she had made it to the street? what if she had made it behind the wheel of a car? what if she had been at the top of the stairs and then fell? her condition is quite far progressed and is only going to get worse. her thinking on any level about anything is completely disordered and defective. focusing only on whatever ramble came out of her mouth WHILE she was laying on the ground completely inebriated AGAIN is like focusing on what she was wearing at the time.
i do not mean to discount the harm that abusive words have on us. sitting in the same room while reading a book is attempting to throw a slipcover over the elephant in the room and call it a loveseat.
Came home and found my wife on the ground outside of our home wasted,
isn't ^^^ this more of the issue? one is so drunk that they stumble around outside their own home and end up on the ground and STAY there? if you found her in this same state but she was saying "i love you" would it be ok in any way????
what if she had made it to the street? what if she had made it behind the wheel of a car? what if she had been at the top of the stairs and then fell? her condition is quite far progressed and is only going to get worse. her thinking on any level about anything is completely disordered and defective. focusing only on whatever ramble came out of her mouth WHILE she was laying on the ground completely inebriated AGAIN is like focusing on what she was wearing at the time.
i do not mean to discount the harm that abusive words have on us. sitting in the same room while reading a book is attempting to throw a slipcover over the elephant in the room and call it a loveseat.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
If she had 2 drinks and said that, sure, i'd take it in to account.
But for she is an alcoholic and you found her so drunk she was laying on the ground outside. Did she even know who she was talking to? Was she talking about you or herself? Are these resentments things that pop up when she is drunk to blame her drinking on or perhaps deflect blame from herself?
No one can say, I don't imagine even she can.
Then again, as several have mentioned, those are all her issues, what about you, how does this affect you and your life?
But for she is an alcoholic and you found her so drunk she was laying on the ground outside. Did she even know who she was talking to? Was she talking about you or herself? Are these resentments things that pop up when she is drunk to blame her drinking on or perhaps deflect blame from herself?
No one can say, I don't imagine even she can.
Then again, as several have mentioned, those are all her issues, what about you, how does this affect you and your life?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Seren
I'm not entirely sure that what an alcoholic says when they are drunk really is how they feel--because of lowered inhibitions.
I've read many threads in our Newcomers forum written by newly sober alcoholics who are horrified to learn what they have said and done while drunk. They claim that it in no way reflects how they really feel.
To me, the heart of the matter is this: regardless of the reason for the torrent of abuse, I am not required to hang around and put up with it.
I've read many threads in our Newcomers forum written by newly sober alcoholics who are horrified to learn what they have said and done while drunk. They claim that it in no way reflects how they really feel.
To me, the heart of the matter is this: regardless of the reason for the torrent of abuse, I am not required to hang around and put up with it.
i have read these too. I started a thread here months ago about this very topic. I felt like I really needed to know if that was his truth in the back of his head. It bothered me.
I still wonder in a way but I am trying so hard to let go of caring about that. Whether it is his truth or not it isn't right. I made the mistake of talking to him last night not realizing that he was drunk. I should have known By the hour. Maybe I had had enough. Lots of horrible things came out about how I'm horrible mother and he will be living with the kids in a house he buys. I was pissed and threatened him right back. I tried to record it and screwed it up. Today he is like a dog with a tail between his legs. This week I hope to find a lawyer.
To to the OP - I don't mean to take over your thread. The topic just resonated with me. You don't deserve it regardless of what is behind it.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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endofmyrope: based on this & your post from 2018, seems like this verbal abuse rollercoaster has been going on for some time (along with other huge issues). Your profile name alone says so much 
I'm so sorry you're struggling amongst a nightmare.
I have so many similar stories during the 5 years I was with my XAGF... I'd find her wasted, crawling... near blacking out... on an insane verbal abuse rampage until she'd black out or go into massive seizures. During these episodes -- she'd call me horrible names... degrade me... laugh in my face while nearly falling over... slam doors... open them up, just to slam them again. Raging texts (even though we were in the same house). Things progressed as abuse and addiction does... she threatened to beat my head in with a baseball bat... her drinking, episodes, seizures... all of it became worse (no surprise). I called the police/ambulance on numerous occasions but I'd "overlook" the abuse to focus on her black outs or seizures. Sad how I did that.
I had constant migraines... and even bleeding stomach ulcers from all the stress.
Ironic that my migraines stopped when I left last month...
Looking back... how I tolerated this behavior is insanity. And to think (even now) I still "miss" the good aspects of her/our relationship... the loving moments... UGH...
such a TOXIC cycle that I'm still working HARD to get over with therapy, support, etc. I'm doing everything in my power to move on & learn why the hell I put up with this ABUSE. Because that's exactly what it is.
After all that, I was hanging on by a thread. Verbal abuse destroys & eats away at your self esteem, well-being, mental sanity, and your health. Just my opinion & experience, but men (like me) who's with a verbally abusive/addict wife or girlfriend try & "act" like it's not that big of a deal... (re: "just sat and read a book") but let me tell you... it is a big deal!
100% I needed to leave... and I'm honestly so thankful I found a tiny bit of courage, all that I had left... to walk out with only a bag. What you choose to do is your call. But I was buried deep in a very toxic relationship and abusive cycle.
What you're explaining... in my opinion... is unacceptable. I hope clarity of some kind comes to you soon before it destroys your heart, body, & mind.
I'm so sorry you're struggling amongst a nightmare.I have so many similar stories during the 5 years I was with my XAGF... I'd find her wasted, crawling... near blacking out... on an insane verbal abuse rampage until she'd black out or go into massive seizures. During these episodes -- she'd call me horrible names... degrade me... laugh in my face while nearly falling over... slam doors... open them up, just to slam them again. Raging texts (even though we were in the same house). Things progressed as abuse and addiction does... she threatened to beat my head in with a baseball bat... her drinking, episodes, seizures... all of it became worse (no surprise). I called the police/ambulance on numerous occasions but I'd "overlook" the abuse to focus on her black outs or seizures. Sad how I did that.
I had constant migraines... and even bleeding stomach ulcers from all the stress.
Ironic that my migraines stopped when I left last month...
Looking back... how I tolerated this behavior is insanity. And to think (even now) I still "miss" the good aspects of her/our relationship... the loving moments... UGH...
such a TOXIC cycle that I'm still working HARD to get over with therapy, support, etc. I'm doing everything in my power to move on & learn why the hell I put up with this ABUSE. Because that's exactly what it is.
After all that, I was hanging on by a thread. Verbal abuse destroys & eats away at your self esteem, well-being, mental sanity, and your health. Just my opinion & experience, but men (like me) who's with a verbally abusive/addict wife or girlfriend try & "act" like it's not that big of a deal... (re: "just sat and read a book") but let me tell you... it is a big deal!
100% I needed to leave... and I'm honestly so thankful I found a tiny bit of courage, all that I had left... to walk out with only a bag. What you choose to do is your call. But I was buried deep in a very toxic relationship and abusive cycle.
What you're explaining... in my opinion... is unacceptable. I hope clarity of some kind comes to you soon before it destroys your heart, body, & mind.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
can we back up a bit here??? i think a very important "event" is being overlooked:
Came home and found my wife on the ground outside of our home wasted,
isn't ^^^ this more of the issue? one is so drunk that they stumble around outside their own home and end up on the ground and STAY there? if you found her in this same state but she was saying "i love you" would it be ok in any way????
what if she had made it to the street? what if she had made it behind the wheel of a car? what if she had been at the top of the stairs and then fell? her condition is quite far progressed and is only going to get worse. her thinking on any level about anything is completely disordered and defective. focusing only on whatever ramble came out of her mouth WHILE she was laying on the ground completely inebriated AGAIN is like focusing on what she was wearing at the time.
i do not mean to discount the harm that abusive words have on us. sitting in the same room while reading a book is attempting to throw a slipcover over the elephant in the room and call it a loveseat.
Came home and found my wife on the ground outside of our home wasted,
isn't ^^^ this more of the issue? one is so drunk that they stumble around outside their own home and end up on the ground and STAY there? if you found her in this same state but she was saying "i love you" would it be ok in any way????
what if she had made it to the street? what if she had made it behind the wheel of a car? what if she had been at the top of the stairs and then fell? her condition is quite far progressed and is only going to get worse. her thinking on any level about anything is completely disordered and defective. focusing only on whatever ramble came out of her mouth WHILE she was laying on the ground completely inebriated AGAIN is like focusing on what she was wearing at the time.
i do not mean to discount the harm that abusive words have on us. sitting in the same room while reading a book is attempting to throw a slipcover over the elephant in the room and call it a loveseat.
How did I just sit there and read a book while she hurled obscenities into the air after collapsing at our doorway? She was alive and quite awake. Once I got her inside I just did my thing knowing not to engage. Been there done that. I've been to Al-Anon for over a year and picked up a few great tools that helped me in dealing with this nonsense.
She is seeing a psychiatrist. I don't think it's helping.
She attended AA for over a year, did the 90 in 90. Then slide ever so slowly back into the hole.
As for me, I am a very strong man. Great career & business, great kids, Accomplished in my hobbies to a high level. I really like myself. No issue with my soul being destroyed. There's no way that's gonna happen and i am not in denial. Been seeing a therapist for a few years dealing with these issues.
I've already consulted a lawyer about where I would stand in a Divorce. I'm not there yet but it was liberating in a sense.
I know very well she is sick. I also know it's a choice she makes when she drinks. I also know she wants to stop but is having trouble doing it.
The abuse she releases when really drunk are echos of her childhood FOO issues and there are plenty. Lots of verbal and emotional abuse and a bit of physical. I can handle all of it easily.
The kids are all aware of the issues as she has aimed this crap at them at times - only recently. They are all grown and very well adjusted. So this is somewhat a family issue at this point. I shield them for the most part but they are involved and aware.
I know she is hurting and I love her very much. She is one of the most generous and benevolent people I know. Very smart and caring and talented, a very hard worker. Heck she brings me coffee every morning and we talk for an hour or two and spend a great deal of tie together, mostly sober.
We've gone through a lot together - sickness and death of loved ones, Business success and failures. Great times far outweigh the bad. 30+ years.
I have been very close to walking out the door and pulling the trigger. What stops me is I know she loves me deeply and is tremendous pain.
How can I just walk out? When I've been sick she was right there by my side non stop until I recovered. She bore my wonderful kids, she took my very old mother in when no one else would and cares for her.
So... she was inside, safe on the ground and making noise QUACK QUACK QUACK... she wasn't dead.
And I read my book... and recorded everything!
She knows I have the recording as I told her so. She doesn't want to hear it.
DUH.
My concern besides "she is killing herself from drinking" (we have no car, no driving - city life) is what she was rambling about really how she feels? It doesn't seem that way.
Many of you are far more experienced than I. But I am not a novice to this.
I value the hive mind here on this board. Each and every one of you. My gratitude to you.
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What stops me is I know she loves me deeply and is tremendous pain.
does she? i went back to your first post in 2018 and the things i read there did not sound like someone who loves you. affairs, multiple. insulting and pushing those who care about you (family) away. going out to bars, etc, solo. and now today still spouting vile vituperations at you.
while rolling around on the ground stinking drunk.
it's possible you are either holding on to what once was or what you wish was true. you don't seem to be really SEEING what you see. or maybe all of this is really ok with you? i mean that IS ok....it is your life. and you get to choose what your life looks like.
does she? i went back to your first post in 2018 and the things i read there did not sound like someone who loves you. affairs, multiple. insulting and pushing those who care about you (family) away. going out to bars, etc, solo. and now today still spouting vile vituperations at you.
while rolling around on the ground stinking drunk.
it's possible you are either holding on to what once was or what you wish was true. you don't seem to be really SEEING what you see. or maybe all of this is really ok with you? i mean that IS ok....it is your life. and you get to choose what your life looks like.
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