Here We Go Again...
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Here We Go Again...
I am a mother of an addict adult son.
I have spent too much of my life looking for better answers then the ones staring me in the face.
Wanting so badly to believe the lies.
If only for a moment of hope or peace.
Things seemed to be going well for a while and I was lulled into that place where I thought I no longer needed NarAnon or Alanon.
As if my son had "matured" and "outgrown" all of this.
That thought alone shows how I still tie my mental health to his. Even after all the work I had done . My heart said if he is doing well then I am doing well. Sigh...
Just shows how far I was from my own recovery.
He had been avoiding my phone calls. Big Red Flag # 1. When we did talk he was stressed and hurried. Flag # 2.
Couldn't reach him for a few days so my gut told me something was up.
I did a jail search and there he was.
Drug charges. Big ones... He is not getting out easily. I hurt...
My first instinct is to say," I just cant do this again..." I seriously just wanted to crawl into a ball and disappear. Because I know the painful road I have ahead.
One where I will have to be tough. I will have to detach. I will have to separate my heart from my only son whom I love so deeply. But is the one I can truly hurt even more right now by giving in.
Just don't feel strong enough right now...
I have spent too much of my life looking for better answers then the ones staring me in the face.
Wanting so badly to believe the lies.
If only for a moment of hope or peace.
Things seemed to be going well for a while and I was lulled into that place where I thought I no longer needed NarAnon or Alanon.
As if my son had "matured" and "outgrown" all of this.
That thought alone shows how I still tie my mental health to his. Even after all the work I had done . My heart said if he is doing well then I am doing well. Sigh...
Just shows how far I was from my own recovery.
He had been avoiding my phone calls. Big Red Flag # 1. When we did talk he was stressed and hurried. Flag # 2.
Couldn't reach him for a few days so my gut told me something was up.
I did a jail search and there he was.
Drug charges. Big ones... He is not getting out easily. I hurt...
My first instinct is to say," I just cant do this again..." I seriously just wanted to crawl into a ball and disappear. Because I know the painful road I have ahead.
One where I will have to be tough. I will have to detach. I will have to separate my heart from my only son whom I love so deeply. But is the one I can truly hurt even more right now by giving in.
Just don't feel strong enough right now...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sorry cece. i think it's pretty normal for a mom/parent to feel "attached" to how their children are faring. we want our kids happy and healthy and thriving.
addiction and bad life decisions upend all that.
if you need to go hide under the covers for a few days, what's wrong with that? you need to feel what you feel, let it out, not stuff it in a box. again, it's normal to be upset to learn your child, even very adult child, is sitting in jail. and likely to be there for some time.
however reactions like plotting how to break him OUT, or race in with a high priced attorney and a third mortgage to pay his bail is where we start to go off the rails a bit. that's the space where our recovery must live - between what we feel and what WE DO.
addiction and bad life decisions upend all that.
if you need to go hide under the covers for a few days, what's wrong with that? you need to feel what you feel, let it out, not stuff it in a box. again, it's normal to be upset to learn your child, even very adult child, is sitting in jail. and likely to be there for some time.
however reactions like plotting how to break him OUT, or race in with a high priced attorney and a third mortgage to pay his bail is where we start to go off the rails a bit. that's the space where our recovery must live - between what we feel and what WE DO.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
Cece, it's so hard not to tie our happiness to our children. I used to think that jail was the worse thing that could happen to my child. Then I had a few times when I called the police,called the probation officer,basically begging them to arrest my daughter. Please put her in jail to save her life.
Go to bed cover up you head for awhile.Its okay,we have to recover so we can be strong. We have to be able to lovingly say no to our adult children.
Go to bed cover up you head for awhile.Its okay,we have to recover so we can be strong. We have to be able to lovingly say no to our adult children.
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
however reactions like plotting how to break him OUT, or race in with a high priced attorney and a third mortgage to pay his bail is where we start to go off the rails a bit. that's the space where our recovery must live - between what we feel and what WE DO.
Yes, Luckily I am at least in a sane enough place to NOT do things to harm myself or him. I will not pay for an attorney or bail. I know he needs to find the change within himself. God knows if I really was that powerful, he'd be clean. healthy, and sane by now!! sigh... But when he calls , and he will, and I hear the pain in his voice, it will still hurt.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Cece, this mama knows your pain and my heart hurts for you. 
My suggestion, mama to mama, get back to those meetings and find your balance again. It won't hurt any less but it will help you to keep breathing and moving and living regardless of your son's bad choices.
I am so sorry, I truly know that "kicked in the gut" feeling.
You will be okay, I promise.
Hugs
My suggestion, mama to mama, get back to those meetings and find your balance again. It won't hurt any less but it will help you to keep breathing and moving and living regardless of your son's bad choices.
I am so sorry, I truly know that "kicked in the gut" feeling.
You will be okay, I promise.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
While I am not a mom, my addict niece has lived with me off and on for 15 years on her addiction journey and she is like a daughter to me.
My heart goes out to you --I know the same hope when they are doing well, fear and wondering when red flags pop up and the sadness, self doubt and pain when they relapse.
My niece has two huge felonies - first and second degree possession. She did time for those. After, she got out, got a paralegal certificate and got a job that she held for a year and then a better job for a year - then blew it all by relapsing. She repeated a similar pattern (drugs, consequences, recovery, relapse) at least twice or more (its hard to know when one is never really sure of the truth).
I think addiction is like cancer - one never knows when a person will come out of remission.
Others have given good advice. The only additional thing I can offer from my experience (particularly recently where my niece relapsed, I had to have her committed and now she's pregnant) is that when adults we love make bad choices, its equally important to take care of ourselves and appreciate the good things in our life that remain as it is to ponder what involvement in their journey is appropriate and helpful.
Prayers for healing, hope and clarity for both you and your son.
My heart goes out to you --I know the same hope when they are doing well, fear and wondering when red flags pop up and the sadness, self doubt and pain when they relapse.
My niece has two huge felonies - first and second degree possession. She did time for those. After, she got out, got a paralegal certificate and got a job that she held for a year and then a better job for a year - then blew it all by relapsing. She repeated a similar pattern (drugs, consequences, recovery, relapse) at least twice or more (its hard to know when one is never really sure of the truth).
I think addiction is like cancer - one never knows when a person will come out of remission.
Others have given good advice. The only additional thing I can offer from my experience (particularly recently where my niece relapsed, I had to have her committed and now she's pregnant) is that when adults we love make bad choices, its equally important to take care of ourselves and appreciate the good things in our life that remain as it is to ponder what involvement in their journey is appropriate and helpful.
Prayers for healing, hope and clarity for both you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
I feel your pain Cece. We've been riding the emotional roller coaster with our adult addict son. Over the past several years there were several glimmers of hope that we grabbed and held on to even when it was painfully obvious that it was just a brief lull in the never ending turmoil of his addiction. Upon reflection most of it was him manipulating us, telling us what "we" wanted to hear, doing things that "we" wanted to see.
He was just arrested as well on a serious assault charge, but fortunately for him his time behind the pipes was brief because he has no record and has a permanent address (not with us).
We also decided that we were not going to post bail or pay for a lawyer.....we've been burned far too many times and we weren't about to lose money or take responsibility for him while he was on bail. We couldn't control him when he was living with us as a teen so we sure as heck weren't going down that rabbit hole.
We saw him just recently. He's going on 22 and he looks like death warmed over. He has lost so much weight and is very gaunt looking. We know there is nothing we can do for him. We will always love him and be here for him but we are finally looking after ourselves as he is the only one that can look after himself. We know when we are being manipulated and it hurts knowing that the only time he "appears to care" for anything other than drugs and alcohol, he's putting on an act.
We will enjoy our time with him when we can (We told him he could visit IF he was sober) and other than that we pray for his well being and that he will eventually find his way.
He was just arrested as well on a serious assault charge, but fortunately for him his time behind the pipes was brief because he has no record and has a permanent address (not with us).
We also decided that we were not going to post bail or pay for a lawyer.....we've been burned far too many times and we weren't about to lose money or take responsibility for him while he was on bail. We couldn't control him when he was living with us as a teen so we sure as heck weren't going down that rabbit hole.
We saw him just recently. He's going on 22 and he looks like death warmed over. He has lost so much weight and is very gaunt looking. We know there is nothing we can do for him. We will always love him and be here for him but we are finally looking after ourselves as he is the only one that can look after himself. We know when we are being manipulated and it hurts knowing that the only time he "appears to care" for anything other than drugs and alcohol, he's putting on an act.
We will enjoy our time with him when we can (We told him he could visit IF he was sober) and other than that we pray for his well being and that he will eventually find his way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I truly wish I had something, ANYTHING- helpful or inspiring- to offer to you. The stories from loving parents like all of you break my heart.
I've watched some of my siblings go through this same situation with their kids. And my parents trying to help by giving the grandchildren money, paying for rehab, bail, attorneys, etc. etc.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by setting boundaries and STICKING to them. So much easier said than done, I know.
I enabled one of my nephews, right into his grave.
Many prayers for all of you.
I've watched some of my siblings go through this same situation with their kids. And my parents trying to help by giving the grandchildren money, paying for rehab, bail, attorneys, etc. etc.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by setting boundaries and STICKING to them. So much easier said than done, I know.
I enabled one of my nephews, right into his grave.
Many prayers for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hugs Cece! I know exactly that feeling of despair and frustration when the reality is staring us in the face and taking away OUR peace. So many times after a period of sobriety, I would have to pull the big girl pants back on and detach and accept the relapse. Its never easy even if my recovery game is strong. I am here as all of us in solidarity that you have support. Sometimes, jail is the BEST thing that can happen to an addict. Keep your peace.
FWIW, I did make time to visit JJ when he was in jail weekly. It was time for me to connect with him face to face (through the glass LOL) and it gave me the peace to accept where he was and allay all those pesky fears we get. I have always loved him whether he is sober or cray cray, but I found the way to say "no contact if you are using" and that was my boundary.
Hugs and prayers for you dear.
TT
FWIW, I did make time to visit JJ when he was in jail weekly. It was time for me to connect with him face to face (through the glass LOL) and it gave me the peace to accept where he was and allay all those pesky fears we get. I have always loved him whether he is sober or cray cray, but I found the way to say "no contact if you are using" and that was my boundary.
Hugs and prayers for you dear.
TT
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