Day 1, yet again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Day 1, yet again.
What can I say? I've said it all before - being on day 1 may be a blessing, but I'm so sick of it.
Something changed recently. My drinking habits changed - instead of drinking a lot in a short period of time I'm now drinking more slowly but for 8 hours at a time. I actually told my Dr - he ran tests and everything came back normal but his warning was clear. Alcoholism is progressive and I need to stop, now.
I decided to stop at 5pm yesterday, when I went to work. After work I went to the liquor store, even though I didn't want to. I dumped it all down the drain, but I can't even stop myself from going to a liquor store, how am I suppose to stop myself from drinking? I'm so sick of this ******* merry-go-round.
I've done everything I always do at this point - I'm posting here again, I went to AA this morning and am planning on another one this afternoon before I go to work - but I know it won't last. It never does. I wish I could get a cabin in the woods where I'm cut off from everything and physically unable to get alcohol - I wish I could afford to pay someone to restrain me from getting alcohol or consuming it - I feel like drastic measures are the only thing that will actually work.
I'm seeing my shrink on Monday - I have emetophobia (fear of vomiting), going to ask about Antabuse. For that to work I'd actually have to take it.....almost need someone to force it down my throat.
It's hard to realize that you have lost control of your life. As im typing typing this I'm actually thinking about going to the ******* liquor store. Why????
Funny how the cyclone of addiction just gets bigger and bigger. You start drinking because it's fun - then bad things start to happen in your life because of drinking, so you drink to not have to think about it. Before you know it control is completely gone. It's taken probably 15 years of drinking for me to get here - but it feels like a few months. Scared I'll blink and need a liver transplant or be dead. I watch intervention a lot and always think "damn, I'm not THAT bad" - truth is I will be.
I got so drunk at a bar a few weeks ago that I think I wet myself - i remember people laughing and taking pictures of me. I drove home. It's a matter of time before I kill someone or at the very least end up in jail. I had a dwi 8 years ago - another one would ruin my life. I'm starting grad school for social work - another dwi would make it impossible for me to get licensed, and rightfully so. I'm literally at the edge of losing absolutely everything, yet I still can't stop.
It's terrifying how good I've gotten at hiding how much I drink from my fiance. I clearly need to tell him. The last time we had a serious conversation about it he fully supported me, gave up drinking himself (he's not an alcoholic) and he thinks I'm doing so much better now. He has no clue. Eventually he'll find bottles - it's hard to keep on top of them all.
Sorry for the rant - but as long as I'm typing I'm not on my way to the liquor store. I've had so many day ones, and faced them with intent and optimism - I'm all out.
I'm one drink away from losing my job, losing my career before it even starts, losing my home, my fiance, my life, or God forbid killing someone else. I simply couldn't survive that. I drive for work and can't tell you how many times I've been blacked out - about a month ago I quit drinking while at work and stopped having alcohol in my car..... while that's good it's also pathetic. I'm still going to work drunk.
I know I just need to focus on today. If I can get to another meeting and then go to work - then I should be fine as I work til 2am so liquor stores and bars will be closed. I guess I'll just focus on that - tomorrow will be another new battle.
Addiction sucks.
Something changed recently. My drinking habits changed - instead of drinking a lot in a short period of time I'm now drinking more slowly but for 8 hours at a time. I actually told my Dr - he ran tests and everything came back normal but his warning was clear. Alcoholism is progressive and I need to stop, now.
I decided to stop at 5pm yesterday, when I went to work. After work I went to the liquor store, even though I didn't want to. I dumped it all down the drain, but I can't even stop myself from going to a liquor store, how am I suppose to stop myself from drinking? I'm so sick of this ******* merry-go-round.
I've done everything I always do at this point - I'm posting here again, I went to AA this morning and am planning on another one this afternoon before I go to work - but I know it won't last. It never does. I wish I could get a cabin in the woods where I'm cut off from everything and physically unable to get alcohol - I wish I could afford to pay someone to restrain me from getting alcohol or consuming it - I feel like drastic measures are the only thing that will actually work.
I'm seeing my shrink on Monday - I have emetophobia (fear of vomiting), going to ask about Antabuse. For that to work I'd actually have to take it.....almost need someone to force it down my throat.
It's hard to realize that you have lost control of your life. As im typing typing this I'm actually thinking about going to the ******* liquor store. Why????
Funny how the cyclone of addiction just gets bigger and bigger. You start drinking because it's fun - then bad things start to happen in your life because of drinking, so you drink to not have to think about it. Before you know it control is completely gone. It's taken probably 15 years of drinking for me to get here - but it feels like a few months. Scared I'll blink and need a liver transplant or be dead. I watch intervention a lot and always think "damn, I'm not THAT bad" - truth is I will be.
I got so drunk at a bar a few weeks ago that I think I wet myself - i remember people laughing and taking pictures of me. I drove home. It's a matter of time before I kill someone or at the very least end up in jail. I had a dwi 8 years ago - another one would ruin my life. I'm starting grad school for social work - another dwi would make it impossible for me to get licensed, and rightfully so. I'm literally at the edge of losing absolutely everything, yet I still can't stop.
It's terrifying how good I've gotten at hiding how much I drink from my fiance. I clearly need to tell him. The last time we had a serious conversation about it he fully supported me, gave up drinking himself (he's not an alcoholic) and he thinks I'm doing so much better now. He has no clue. Eventually he'll find bottles - it's hard to keep on top of them all.
Sorry for the rant - but as long as I'm typing I'm not on my way to the liquor store. I've had so many day ones, and faced them with intent and optimism - I'm all out.
I'm one drink away from losing my job, losing my career before it even starts, losing my home, my fiance, my life, or God forbid killing someone else. I simply couldn't survive that. I drive for work and can't tell you how many times I've been blacked out - about a month ago I quit drinking while at work and stopped having alcohol in my car..... while that's good it's also pathetic. I'm still going to work drunk.
I know I just need to focus on today. If I can get to another meeting and then go to work - then I should be fine as I work til 2am so liquor stores and bars will be closed. I guess I'll just focus on that - tomorrow will be another new battle.
Addiction sucks.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome back.
Drastic? Like in-patient rehab?
Do what it takes.
Originally Posted by Donnylutz 
I wish I could get a cabin in the woods where I'm cut off from everything and physically unable to get alcohol - I wish I could afford to pay someone to restrain me from getting alcohol or consuming it - I feel like drastic measures are the only thing that will actually work.
Do what it takes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Originally Posted by least
In order to stay sober you must want to be sober more than you want to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, I've been there.
I've thought the same things as you.
I wish I had some sage words of advice, but I don't except don't pick up that first drink.
You're not alone. I drank like you are for the last ten years of my drinking. It was a nightmare.
I wish you the best and I hope this is your last day one.
I've thought the same things as you.
I wish I had some sage words of advice, but I don't except don't pick up that first drink.
You're not alone. I drank like you are for the last ten years of my drinking. It was a nightmare.
I wish you the best and I hope this is your last day one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
All of those things that you fear, save for killing somebody, have happened to me. It's ugly, terrifying, and very lonely.
Whatever you can do to stop drinking is worth it. Only terrible pain is the other result, it happens. You don't have to go there, but the way you are living right now, it seems like that's where you are headed.
You have outlined the path of where you are going right now, can you do the same for how to stop it?
Whatever you can do to stop drinking is worth it. Only terrible pain is the other result, it happens. You don't have to go there, but the way you are living right now, it seems like that's where you are headed.
You have outlined the path of where you are going right now, can you do the same for how to stop it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Now you have to be willing to go to any LENGTHS not to pick up a drink.
Most who quit miss it, crave it, romance it....and crave it..
On my way getting a ride to rehab in 2005 I said I would do ANYTHING except go to AA. By the time I was done with the inpatient rehab they had proven enough to me that AA seems to have the highest statistics of success with helping us to stay "stopped" and that is for a variety of REASONS that you can't learn or appreciate unless you go there....
So...at the time my use of alcohol was stealing my job...my relationships with my children (especially) and I BEGRUGENDLY agreed with my therapist in the detox I would TRY it for 30 days....because I was "willing to go to any lengths to not have to be an alcoholic anymore."
Once I got there I refused to do anything they told me and you DONT HAVE TO...as long as you show up...sit in a chair and listen....and that is what I DID.
AA kept me sober for 8 years.....Currently I am on Day 3 of sobriety again...I ended up drinking after 8 years....and my son begs me to go BACK to AA.
I'm seriously going back...because for me it was all that worked.
Just going to rehab and therapy works for some and there are other programs out there besides AA.
BUT what you CANT do is sit there and do "nothing" or the "same"....
One of the sayings in AA is "Nothing changes if Nothing changes".
Of course you want to drink your an alcoholic...but there are ways to learn to beat those cravings and obsessions..but you will not learn them sitting home...you have to take ACTION and FIGHT your disease.
Most who quit miss it, crave it, romance it....and crave it..
On my way getting a ride to rehab in 2005 I said I would do ANYTHING except go to AA. By the time I was done with the inpatient rehab they had proven enough to me that AA seems to have the highest statistics of success with helping us to stay "stopped" and that is for a variety of REASONS that you can't learn or appreciate unless you go there....
So...at the time my use of alcohol was stealing my job...my relationships with my children (especially) and I BEGRUGENDLY agreed with my therapist in the detox I would TRY it for 30 days....because I was "willing to go to any lengths to not have to be an alcoholic anymore."
Once I got there I refused to do anything they told me and you DONT HAVE TO...as long as you show up...sit in a chair and listen....and that is what I DID.
AA kept me sober for 8 years.....Currently I am on Day 3 of sobriety again...I ended up drinking after 8 years....and my son begs me to go BACK to AA.
I'm seriously going back...because for me it was all that worked.
Just going to rehab and therapy works for some and there are other programs out there besides AA.
BUT what you CANT do is sit there and do "nothing" or the "same"....
One of the sayings in AA is "Nothing changes if Nothing changes".
Of course you want to drink your an alcoholic...but there are ways to learn to beat those cravings and obsessions..but you will not learn them sitting home...you have to take ACTION and FIGHT your disease.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Montana
Posts: 17
My wife left me, and a few years later so did my new fiance. If you are at the point where you need in-patient to get through the first week, then do it. Better now than to live with the regrets of a DUI caused death or loss of a loved partner later. Trust me, regrets are horrible and will only fire up the alcohol cyclone by a factor of 10. Sounds like you have an understanding fiance, so do it now while he will still support you. You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Donnylutz
That makes perfect sense. But, how can I make that happen? I don't want to wait til I'm dying or after I lose everything. I desperately want to be sober - I don't yet know how to change my want to drink. That is where I am stuck. I've admitted I don't have control and I'm powerless - I don't have control over my wanting to drink. Isn't that the point of admitting we are powerless? I hope so! Admitting I am powerless has taken me a very long time - it's one thing I'm proud of myself for. I was so stubborn for so long.
I am sorry that you are suffering, the desperation in your posts is evident.
Like most addicts I was a damaged soul from my formative years. The first time I ever got drunk I felt like I finally found something that filled a hole in my psyche. The bottle never told me I was a failure. The bottle was always happy to see me after coming home from work. The bottle never disappointed me. In the beginning at least.
When I got to the stage you are at I knew my life would be unsustainable for much longer. I would either die of organ failure, die in a car wreck, or lose everything to the point where I would kill myself. I knew I had to quit drinking but I didn't know how.
I was still a damaged soul and I had never confronted the ugly things from my past. But worse than that...I had forgotten why I was hurting on the inside. The pain I had been carrying for years had become a part of me, the particulars of what had caused the pain were distant memories.
The withdrawal I went through after quitting was akin to medieval torture. My first order of business after surviving that hell was to find a quiet space where I would have time to myself. I thought about every old incident of every person that had ever hurt me. It was more painful than withdrawal. I had to relive all those awful memories from a young age.
After thinking about each incident, I vowed that everybody was forgiven. Forgiveness is not reconciliation, there are some people that will never be welcome in my life again. But I have forgiven everybody and made peace with the past.
There is no recovery without forgiveness, it is absolutely paramount. I would go as far to say that forgiveness is even harder than sobriety.
There is a reason for your drinking whether you are acutely aware of it or it is hidden in your subconscious. Use any resource available to you such as AA to stop the physical act of drinking. Only then can you confront this stuff and begin the road to recovery.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I'm glad you're trying again, Donny. This can be the time you get free of it for good. I tried several times, & in the end it was a huge relief to admit I could never be a social drinker. Something I'd spent decades trying to achieve - with disastrous & dangerous results. Keep reading & posting - it helps to keep your mind off "it". You can do this, Donny.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Donnylutz
That makes perfect sense. But, how can I make that happen? I don't want to wait til I'm dying or after I lose everything. I desperately want to be sober - I don't yet know how to change my want to drink. That is where I am stuck. I've admitted I don't have control and I'm powerless - I don't have control over my wanting to drink. Isn't that the point of admitting we are powerless? I hope so! Admitting I am powerless has taken me a very long time - it's one thing I'm proud of myself for. I was so stubborn for so long.
It's a fight, it's a struggle but it does get easier. Each day you will feel a bit stronger for not having drunk the night before. Still really early days for me but it does get better.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
In order to stay sober you must want to be sober more than you want to drink.
That makes perfect sense. But, how can I make that happen?
This works in a recovery sense too. There are things we do that will feed an addiction and things that feed recovery.
Feed the right wolf.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Wow, Donny, you're in a rough spot. I can relate pretty strongly to this:
I'm no shrink, but I really think that for some people the first step does more harm than good. Ultimately, you DO have control over whether or not you pick up that first drink. It's ALL on you. What happens after the first drink... yeah, there's a loss of control, but for me it's impossible to honestly accept the idea that I'm "powerless," a poor, helpless victim, a passive NPC in the game of alcoholism. I've "worked the steps," but it has never worked for me because it just doesn't ring true to me, personally; it doesn't fit with some aspect of my personality. It works well for a lot of people, and thank God for that. You might not be one of those people.
I recently discovered AVRT after someone on this site suggested it, and it has REALLY kicked me in the pants and given me my power back. I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN. It's not YOU that wants to drink, it's your lizard brain that only wants to feel "good" right now. YOU have the power to override that.
It might not be the thing for you, but it can't hurt to check it out.
Google 'The Crash Course On AVRT'
Anyway, I hope you find your way out of the dark place in which you currently find yourself. Just try everything and see what works. Whatever you do, please don't pick up that first drink.
I don't yet know how to change my want to drink. That is where I am stuck. I've admitted I don't have control and I'm powerless - I don't have control over my wanting to drink.
I recently discovered AVRT after someone on this site suggested it, and it has REALLY kicked me in the pants and given me my power back. I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN. It's not YOU that wants to drink, it's your lizard brain that only wants to feel "good" right now. YOU have the power to override that.
It might not be the thing for you, but it can't hurt to check it out.
Google 'The Crash Course On AVRT'
Anyway, I hope you find your way out of the dark place in which you currently find yourself. Just try everything and see what works. Whatever you do, please don't pick up that first drink.
Last edited by Dee74; 06-01-2019 at 04:15 PM. Reason: rr link commercial.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Originally Posted by Donnylutz
What can I say? I've said it all before - being on day 1 may be a blessing, but I'm so sick of it.
Something changed recently. My drinking habits changed - instead of drinking a lot in a short period of time I'm now drinking more slowly but for 8 hours at a time. I actually told my Dr - he ran tests and everything came back normal but his warning was clear. Alcoholism is progressive and I need to stop, now.
I decided to stop at 5pm yesterday, when I went to work. After work I went to the liquor store, even though I didn't want to. I dumped it all down the drain, but I can't even stop myself from going to a liquor store, how am I suppose to stop myself from drinking? I'm so sick of this ******* merry-go-round.
I've done everything I always do at this point - I'm posting here again, I went to AA this morning and am planning on another one this afternoon before I go to work - but I know it won't last. It never does. I wish I could get a cabin in the woods where I'm cut off from everything and physically unable to get alcohol - I wish I could afford to pay someone to restrain me from getting alcohol or consuming it - I feel like drastic measures are the only thing that will actually work.
I'm seeing my shrink on Monday - I have emetophobia (fear of vomiting), going to ask about Antabuse. For that to work I'd actually have to take it.....almost need someone to force it down my throat.
It's hard to realize that you have lost control of your life. As im typing typing this I'm actually thinking about going to the ******* liquor store. Why????
Funny how the cyclone of addiction just gets bigger and bigger. You start drinking because it's fun - then bad things start to happen in your life because of drinking, so you drink to not have to think about it. Before you know it control is completely gone. It's taken probably 15 years of drinking for me to get here - but it feels like a few months. Scared I'll blink and need a liver transplant or be dead. I watch intervention a lot and always think "damn, I'm not THAT bad" - truth is I will be.
I got so drunk at a bar a few weeks ago that I think I wet myself - i remember people laughing and taking pictures of me. I drove home. It's a matter of time before I kill someone or at the very least end up in jail. I had a dwi 8 years ago - another one would ruin my life. I'm starting grad school for social work - another dwi would make it impossible for me to get licensed, and rightfully so. I'm literally at the edge of losing absolutely everything, yet I still can't stop.
It's terrifying how good I've gotten at hiding how much I drink from my fiance. I clearly need to tell him. The last time we had a serious conversation about it he fully supported me, gave up drinking himself (he's not an alcoholic) and he thinks I'm doing so much better now. He has no clue. Eventually he'll find bottles - it's hard to keep on top of them all.
Sorry for the rant - but as long as I'm typing I'm not on my way to the liquor store. I've had so many day ones, and faced them with intent and optimism - I'm all out.
I'm one drink away from losing my job, losing my career before it even starts, losing my home, my fiance, my life, or God forbid killing someone else. I simply couldn't survive that. I drive for work and can't tell you how many times I've been blacked out - about a month ago I quit drinking while at work and stopped having alcohol in my car..... while that's good it's also pathetic. I'm still going to work drunk.
I know I just need to focus on today. If I can get to another meeting and then go to work - then I should be fine as I work til 2am so liquor stores and bars will be closed. I guess I'll just focus on that - tomorrow will be another new battle.
Addiction sucks.
Something changed recently. My drinking habits changed - instead of drinking a lot in a short period of time I'm now drinking more slowly but for 8 hours at a time. I actually told my Dr - he ran tests and everything came back normal but his warning was clear. Alcoholism is progressive and I need to stop, now.
I decided to stop at 5pm yesterday, when I went to work. After work I went to the liquor store, even though I didn't want to. I dumped it all down the drain, but I can't even stop myself from going to a liquor store, how am I suppose to stop myself from drinking? I'm so sick of this ******* merry-go-round.
I've done everything I always do at this point - I'm posting here again, I went to AA this morning and am planning on another one this afternoon before I go to work - but I know it won't last. It never does. I wish I could get a cabin in the woods where I'm cut off from everything and physically unable to get alcohol - I wish I could afford to pay someone to restrain me from getting alcohol or consuming it - I feel like drastic measures are the only thing that will actually work.
I'm seeing my shrink on Monday - I have emetophobia (fear of vomiting), going to ask about Antabuse. For that to work I'd actually have to take it.....almost need someone to force it down my throat.
It's hard to realize that you have lost control of your life. As im typing typing this I'm actually thinking about going to the ******* liquor store. Why????
Funny how the cyclone of addiction just gets bigger and bigger. You start drinking because it's fun - then bad things start to happen in your life because of drinking, so you drink to not have to think about it. Before you know it control is completely gone. It's taken probably 15 years of drinking for me to get here - but it feels like a few months. Scared I'll blink and need a liver transplant or be dead. I watch intervention a lot and always think "damn, I'm not THAT bad" - truth is I will be.
I got so drunk at a bar a few weeks ago that I think I wet myself - i remember people laughing and taking pictures of me. I drove home. It's a matter of time before I kill someone or at the very least end up in jail. I had a dwi 8 years ago - another one would ruin my life. I'm starting grad school for social work - another dwi would make it impossible for me to get licensed, and rightfully so. I'm literally at the edge of losing absolutely everything, yet I still can't stop.
It's terrifying how good I've gotten at hiding how much I drink from my fiance. I clearly need to tell him. The last time we had a serious conversation about it he fully supported me, gave up drinking himself (he's not an alcoholic) and he thinks I'm doing so much better now. He has no clue. Eventually he'll find bottles - it's hard to keep on top of them all.
Sorry for the rant - but as long as I'm typing I'm not on my way to the liquor store. I've had so many day ones, and faced them with intent and optimism - I'm all out.
I'm one drink away from losing my job, losing my career before it even starts, losing my home, my fiance, my life, or God forbid killing someone else. I simply couldn't survive that. I drive for work and can't tell you how many times I've been blacked out - about a month ago I quit drinking while at work and stopped having alcohol in my car..... while that's good it's also pathetic. I'm still going to work drunk.
I know I just need to focus on today. If I can get to another meeting and then go to work - then I should be fine as I work til 2am so liquor stores and bars will be closed. I guess I'll just focus on that - tomorrow will be another new battle.
Addiction sucks.
I'm grateful every day that I fought like hell for my life. I should be asleep - I think the new year and the crapiness of 2020 is making me all sappy and nostalgic. I'm also grateful for this forum - I was so sick, and you all helped me so much! It was a few more months before I finally quit, but this was the turning point. Thank you all.
Stay strong everyone, and here's to a better year for us all! 💙💙💙💙💙
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by Dee74
Let your actions reflect that desire to be sober...always
This works in a recovery sense too. There are things we do that will feed an addiction and things that feed recovery.
Feed the right wolf.
D
This works in a recovery sense too. There are things we do that will feed an addiction and things that feed recovery.
Feed the right wolf.
D
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