Do you leave them alone if they ask
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 27
Do you leave them alone if they ask
Back again....here
my friend has been in rehab 4x
had made it to 60 days clean each time
recently slipped 3x on a rrow last one because he didn’t get a job he wanted
he’s sad thinks his life is a mess and wants to die
and wants to be left alone
I offered to talk or go visit and was told he wants to be alone
dont text or call or visit
are u supposed to respect their wishes ?
my friend has been in rehab 4x
had made it to 60 days clean each time
recently slipped 3x on a rrow last one because he didn’t get a job he wanted
he’s sad thinks his life is a mess and wants to die
and wants to be left alone
I offered to talk or go visit and was told he wants to be alone
dont text or call or visit
are u supposed to respect their wishes ?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
short answer = YES
when anyone asks us to give them space, not call, not drop by, not make contact we MUST respect that. because we would also want the same respect given to US.
if anyone threatens specific HARM to themselves, then we call 911 and report it - at the very least request a Care Call.
when anyone asks us to give them space, not call, not drop by, not make contact we MUST respect that. because we would also want the same respect given to US.
if anyone threatens specific HARM to themselves, then we call 911 and report it - at the very least request a Care Call.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What Anvil said.
Thinking that "we" can save them is an illusion. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. They need to do the "do" things to save themselves.
We can pray for them, we can feel compassion without losing ourselves to their addiction.
But in the end, finding sobriety is something they need to do and those who can really help are meetings, counseling, and yes, rehabs. Rehabs do work for those with the willingness to grab on to recovery for dear life. Otherwise, it's just a rest stop between relapses.
I hope you can find peace with all this.
Thinking that "we" can save them is an illusion. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. They need to do the "do" things to save themselves.
We can pray for them, we can feel compassion without losing ourselves to their addiction.
But in the end, finding sobriety is something they need to do and those who can really help are meetings, counseling, and yes, rehabs. Rehabs do work for those with the willingness to grab on to recovery for dear life. Otherwise, it's just a rest stop between relapses.
I hope you can find peace with all this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by CCMT 
are u supposed to respect their wishes ? [/left]
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
short answer - yes - leave him be
I know it is hard because you don't know which way it will go.
And, if he has been in rehab that many times, he knows who to call for help if he really wants to be done with it.
There is always ambivalence with an addict - they know the drugs are ruining their lives and want to quit - and - they think they need the drugs to cope with life.
Only by sitting with the reality of it all can an addict make the choice to quit and live or continue (and we know where that goes). They need the time to really sit with the discomfort of wanting these two opposing things in order to choose (rather than be coerced by others).
If you are with him at this time, you are likely to try to influence him - and he needs time to come to his own conclusions by himself. that is the only way the decision "sticks".
The best thing you can do (if you believe in a higher power) is pray for him
Prayers for patience and clarity for you both
I know it is hard because you don't know which way it will go.
And, if he has been in rehab that many times, he knows who to call for help if he really wants to be done with it.
There is always ambivalence with an addict - they know the drugs are ruining their lives and want to quit - and - they think they need the drugs to cope with life.
Only by sitting with the reality of it all can an addict make the choice to quit and live or continue (and we know where that goes). They need the time to really sit with the discomfort of wanting these two opposing things in order to choose (rather than be coerced by others).
If you are with him at this time, you are likely to try to influence him - and he needs time to come to his own conclusions by himself. that is the only way the decision "sticks".
The best thing you can do (if you believe in a higher power) is pray for him
Prayers for patience and clarity for you both
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Difficult question to answer. Can you live with the consequences if you do? Can you live with the consequences if you don't.
When I was drunk and in a similar state to your friend, what the hell did I know anyway? Getting my wishes and my way got me in the state I was, so what the hell did I know? I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know what I needed.
Very difficult situation and question to answer.
A possible option to consider is to call AA or NA about having some members make a 12th step call.
When I was drunk and in a similar state to your friend, what the hell did I know anyway? Getting my wishes and my way got me in the state I was, so what the hell did I know? I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know what I needed.
Very difficult situation and question to answer.
A possible option to consider is to call AA or NA about having some members make a 12th step call.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Some random thoughts on the question of respecting the wishes of others.
If a person who is not an addict or alcoholic tells me "because he didn’t get a job he wanted he’s sad thinks his life is a mess and wants to die and wants to be left alone" and I see them walking home from a sporting goods store with a newly purchased rifle and box of ammunition, what should I do?
If a person is drunk, or hallucinating, or crying hysterically ( because their spouse just died) and they wish that I would leave them alone so they could drive home, what should I do?
In dealing with the wishes of other people, I need to practice humility and recognize that I while I can't save them, I still need to honor my own moral code.
Should I worry about the wishes of a person who never worried about other people's wishes, or should I go with my own moral code.
I know a few people who wish I would go to hell. I don't plan to honor their wishes. :~)
If a person who is not an addict or alcoholic tells me "because he didn’t get a job he wanted he’s sad thinks his life is a mess and wants to die and wants to be left alone" and I see them walking home from a sporting goods store with a newly purchased rifle and box of ammunition, what should I do?
If a person is drunk, or hallucinating, or crying hysterically ( because their spouse just died) and they wish that I would leave them alone so they could drive home, what should I do?
In dealing with the wishes of other people, I need to practice humility and recognize that I while I can't save them, I still need to honor my own moral code.
Should I worry about the wishes of a person who never worried about other people's wishes, or should I go with my own moral code.
I know a few people who wish I would go to hell. I don't plan to honor their wishes. :~)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by nez
Difficult question to answer. Can you live with the consequences if you do? Can you live with the consequences if you don't.
As for "living with the consequences", that is not her responsibility in my opinion. She is not his caretaker and in no way should she feel guilty regardless of what he chooses to do with his life.
She cannot be there 24 hours a day, she can't force her way in to his home or force him to do anything.
If you truly believe your friend is in danger of harming himself, or are unsure, then I think Anvil's suggestion is really solid, perhaps a call to the police to request a care call.
If he contacts you and you feel harm is imminent, call 911.
This is NOT your responsibility and in no way can you save him from himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by nez
If a person who is not an addict or alcoholic tells me "because he didn’t get a job he wanted he’s sad thinks his life is a mess and wants to die and wants to be left alone" and I see them walking home from a sporting goods store with a newly purchased rifle and box of ammunition, what should I do?
If a person is drunk, or hallucinating, or crying hysterically ( because their spouse just died) and they wish that I would leave them alone so they could drive home, what should I do?
If a person is drunk, or hallucinating, or crying hysterically ( because their spouse just died) and they wish that I would leave them alone so they could drive home, what should I do?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I think trailmix is right--you cannot put yourself in charge of another person. That isn't love or respecting someone's right to choose there life.
Trying to take that on is also a recipe for terrible guilt if it doesn't work out.
Trying to take that on is also a recipe for terrible guilt if it doesn't work out.
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