Feeling so upset today..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Feeling so upset today..
Soon to be XAH called round today. He walked in - girls had let the cat out and not put the latch back on.
He put £47 in change on the kitchen table and said “that’s every last penny I own. Take it all. It’s supposed to be a refund for a customer I owe but you have it”
i had text him earlier asking if he was in a position to give me some child maintenance yet. im struggling to even find money for petrol and food right now. I know hes not flush but ... I found out he’s bought a set of golf clubs and is having golf lessons so figured he’s doing ok. Turns out he’s not.
He went upstairs to see the kids for about 5 minutes and cake back down in tears. Said he was leaving - but he rarely cries. It touched s nerve and I was compelled to stop him and try and comfort him. I know I shouldn’t have but my heart is breaking too. I cried with him and tried to hug him but it was like a cold brick wall. Nothing is reciprocated. At all.
He said he was feeling very depressed. 57 years old and apparently he has NOTHING to show for it. I tried to point out his two beautiful children. Two businesses a part time job (in the golf club) and two vehicles and a house. Everything I said apart from the kids, was met with a negative. Everything is apparently worth nothing, the house he only had two years left on an interest only mortgage so they will “kick him out” and he’s “given me everything he ever had” now there’s nothing left.
Im devastated. For him and for me. I’m gutted he still can’t show me any caring or emotion and it’s as if he never loved me. I’m just the woman that ruined him. Broke him. In his eyes I have taken him for every penny and left now he’s broke. I didn’t mention drinking. What’s the point? £400 on booze a month has destroyed him not me so why do I feel so guilty? I feel rotten. I have spent the day miserable and tearful - I I don’t know but I suspect that was his aim. To walk in and destroy me.
My son told me that he wishes we could all live together again as it hurts him to see his Dad so upset. I’m angry he let the kids see that because I don’t want them to think I have the power to make this all ok. I gently told my son that can’t ever happen because of how much Dad drinks. He looked so dejected.
He put £47 in change on the kitchen table and said “that’s every last penny I own. Take it all. It’s supposed to be a refund for a customer I owe but you have it”
i had text him earlier asking if he was in a position to give me some child maintenance yet. im struggling to even find money for petrol and food right now. I know hes not flush but ... I found out he’s bought a set of golf clubs and is having golf lessons so figured he’s doing ok. Turns out he’s not.
He went upstairs to see the kids for about 5 minutes and cake back down in tears. Said he was leaving - but he rarely cries. It touched s nerve and I was compelled to stop him and try and comfort him. I know I shouldn’t have but my heart is breaking too. I cried with him and tried to hug him but it was like a cold brick wall. Nothing is reciprocated. At all.
He said he was feeling very depressed. 57 years old and apparently he has NOTHING to show for it. I tried to point out his two beautiful children. Two businesses a part time job (in the golf club) and two vehicles and a house. Everything I said apart from the kids, was met with a negative. Everything is apparently worth nothing, the house he only had two years left on an interest only mortgage so they will “kick him out” and he’s “given me everything he ever had” now there’s nothing left.
Im devastated. For him and for me. I’m gutted he still can’t show me any caring or emotion and it’s as if he never loved me. I’m just the woman that ruined him. Broke him. In his eyes I have taken him for every penny and left now he’s broke. I didn’t mention drinking. What’s the point? £400 on booze a month has destroyed him not me so why do I feel so guilty? I feel rotten. I have spent the day miserable and tearful - I I don’t know but I suspect that was his aim. To walk in and destroy me.
My son told me that he wishes we could all live together again as it hurts him to see his Dad so upset. I’m angry he let the kids see that because I don’t want them to think I have the power to make this all ok. I gently told my son that can’t ever happen because of how much Dad drinks. He looked so dejected.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Major guilt trip / manipulation because you had the "nerve" to ask for some small amount of support towards his children.
Sorry, not buying that.
If he can afford golf clubs and booze, he can pay something towards his kids.
He's just trying to make sure you don't get much and don't ask again anytime soon.
Please try and look at this objectively--you have done nothing to force him to make the bad choices he has
Only he can fix it--that's his choice or not. You needed to do what's best for kids and yourself.
Your son is already feeling co-dependent guilt--do you see this? He wants to fix things by getting back into a bad situation. You made the right choice.
Sorry, not buying that.
If he can afford golf clubs and booze, he can pay something towards his kids.
He's just trying to make sure you don't get much and don't ask again anytime soon.
Please try and look at this objectively--you have done nothing to force him to make the bad choices he has
Only he can fix it--that's his choice or not. You needed to do what's best for kids and yourself.
Your son is already feeling co-dependent guilt--do you see this? He wants to fix things by getting back into a bad situation. You made the right choice.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
^^^Everything Hawkeye said!!
Everyone has bad days. How does a healthy person handle
them? How does a person who takes responsibility for themselves
handle it? By boohooing in front of the kids and destroying the
harmony because "oh poor me, look at me, I can't have everything
I want"
oh pulllleeeezzzzz
Maybe he should know his "crying spell" was very upsetting
to the kids and they have no control over his life
and adult responsibilities. That the kids are not the
ones to burden with his difficult days.
That he shows you no warmth or caring- classic narcissisitc
traits- all of his drama king act is.
Everyone has bad days. How does a healthy person handle
them? How does a person who takes responsibility for themselves
handle it? By boohooing in front of the kids and destroying the
harmony because "oh poor me, look at me, I can't have everything
I want"
oh pulllleeeezzzzz
Maybe he should know his "crying spell" was very upsetting
to the kids and they have no control over his life
and adult responsibilities. That the kids are not the
ones to burden with his difficult days.
That he shows you no warmth or caring- classic narcissisitc
traits- all of his drama king act is.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what Hawkeye said!
and let's back up to the first line.....he WALKED in. to YOUR house. without an invitation, without knocking first. just waltzed on in and started his pity party of one.
please don't think that 47 bucks was all the money he had in the world. he would never have given you the ONLY money he had. what a load of hooey. then when that sob show wasn't enough, he had to go play sad face dad and get the kids upset TO MAKE HIMSELF FEEL BETTER.
no boundaries. no respect. not putting the children's needs first. sorry you fell for the act.
and let's back up to the first line.....he WALKED in. to YOUR house. without an invitation, without knocking first. just waltzed on in and started his pity party of one.
please don't think that 47 bucks was all the money he had in the world. he would never have given you the ONLY money he had. what a load of hooey. then when that sob show wasn't enough, he had to go play sad face dad and get the kids upset TO MAKE HIMSELF FEEL BETTER.
no boundaries. no respect. not putting the children's needs first. sorry you fell for the act.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
What he did actually makes me angry, so I will really try to temper my response here RB.
I think this grand drama of his should at least include a cake, it is a pity party after all.
So kind of him to plunk the last of his change on your table, how terrible for him.
Oh hang on, all is not lost, he has brand new golf clubs!
You know why you can't comfort him, because he's not feeling bad for the children or about the children or for you or for the end of your marriage. He is feeling bad for himself only. No comfort for that.
I think this grand drama of his should at least include a cake, it is a pity party after all.
So kind of him to plunk the last of his change on your table, how terrible for him.
Oh hang on, all is not lost, he has brand new golf clubs!
You know why you can't comfort him, because he's not feeling bad for the children or about the children or for you or for the end of your marriage. He is feeling bad for himself only. No comfort for that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Yes. Yes .. all of this I need to hear Thankyou.
One thing he said that struck me as “odd” was that when he said he was missing the kids.. I said “stay a while then! Go and play video games with DS, you haven’t work for another two hours, I’ll make you a coffee”
he said
“no I’ve seen them now .. I’ve had my fix”
does that also strike you as strange thing to say? HIS FIX? What about what they want or need?
He also said he had had to fill his freezer with whoops sticker food because it’s all he can afford. But there is always gin red wine and cider in abundance.
I hadn’t thought about my sons reaction as being Co dependent no... that’s worrying.
Yes .. I guess it worked today in that I feel I can’t ask him for anything again towards the kids. He said all I ever want to speak to him about is money... it made me feel rotten greedy and selfish for asking ... yet....I sold my jewellery to make ends meet he didn’t care.
You are right... he’s shown zero concern for me or how I’m coping nor to my oldest two daughters who he’s been a stepdad to for 15 years. It’s like he’s cut us out of the equation and he walks into my house because I have his children here it’s like it’s his right to enter uninvited and without knocking.
My son also calls his dad and asks him to come over. How can I explain to him that it’s not ok for Dad to just come over without me being here or asking me first? It’s his Dad after all ... I don’t want to cause him any more upset than he’s already feeling and I want him to feel he can see him whenever he wants just .. not at the expense of my mental health. Today was pretty much written off because of this upset.
One thing he said that struck me as “odd” was that when he said he was missing the kids.. I said “stay a while then! Go and play video games with DS, you haven’t work for another two hours, I’ll make you a coffee”
he said
“no I’ve seen them now .. I’ve had my fix”
does that also strike you as strange thing to say? HIS FIX? What about what they want or need?
He also said he had had to fill his freezer with whoops sticker food because it’s all he can afford. But there is always gin red wine and cider in abundance.
I hadn’t thought about my sons reaction as being Co dependent no... that’s worrying.
Yes .. I guess it worked today in that I feel I can’t ask him for anything again towards the kids. He said all I ever want to speak to him about is money... it made me feel rotten greedy and selfish for asking ... yet....I sold my jewellery to make ends meet he didn’t care.
You are right... he’s shown zero concern for me or how I’m coping nor to my oldest two daughters who he’s been a stepdad to for 15 years. It’s like he’s cut us out of the equation and he walks into my house because I have his children here it’s like it’s his right to enter uninvited and without knocking.
My son also calls his dad and asks him to come over. How can I explain to him that it’s not ok for Dad to just come over without me being here or asking me first? It’s his Dad after all ... I don’t want to cause him any more upset than he’s already feeling and I want him to feel he can see him whenever he wants just .. not at the expense of my mental health. Today was pretty much written off because of this upset.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Yes, definitely a co-dependant behaviour. No matter how much better things are now and truly, they probably are for your Son, he feels he needs to "fix" this. That's not simply love and caring (which of course he has) that's the focus on the alcoholic and his drama.
For years that is what he has seen. Fixing whatever is up with the person the household revolves around. It can't ever be fixed of course.
The good news is he's young and therapy can help greatly!
Your ex needs to support his children. Put the shoe on the other foot, let's say he had custody. Would you just make a payment every month based on either a court order or what you two mutually decided? Or would you plunk the last £5 you had for petrol on his kitchen table and say there, that's all i have for you.
Well no you wouldn't. Now, I'm sure you stopped long ago expecting him to act this way or that way and he just is who he is. That is a good way to look at it - however - and this is the important part - that does not make him right in this instance and it does not mean you should back down.
He isn't right.
Please don't let him not pay for his children's support. It's just wrong and if by some miracle some day he does get help, he might just thank you for it.
As for this:
“no I’ve seen them now .. I’ve had my fix”
Doesn't strike me as odd at all coming from him - the focus is him, not anyone else. How long has it been that way?
For years that is what he has seen. Fixing whatever is up with the person the household revolves around. It can't ever be fixed of course.
The good news is he's young and therapy can help greatly!
Your ex needs to support his children. Put the shoe on the other foot, let's say he had custody. Would you just make a payment every month based on either a court order or what you two mutually decided? Or would you plunk the last £5 you had for petrol on his kitchen table and say there, that's all i have for you.
Well no you wouldn't. Now, I'm sure you stopped long ago expecting him to act this way or that way and he just is who he is. That is a good way to look at it - however - and this is the important part - that does not make him right in this instance and it does not mean you should back down.
He isn't right.
Please don't let him not pay for his children's support. It's just wrong and if by some miracle some day he does get help, he might just thank you for it.
As for this:
“no I’ve seen them now .. I’ve had my fix”
Doesn't strike me as odd at all coming from him - the focus is him, not anyone else. How long has it been that way?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Asking for money for the kids - I don't know your whole story, but is
there no legal contract for an amount he contributes monthly?
That is his moral responsibility and if he really cared about the kids
he would provide it. You feeling greedy and selfish for asking is
playing completely into his manipulation. Don't do it!
You have every, every, every right to have this man over to YOUR
home on YOUR terms. It is an action showing complete disrespect
for him to just walk in. Your son needs to understand this concept
as he needs to possess a healthy respect for you as well, especially as
he gets older.....
I worry about your son seeing you get down on yourself because his
father is manipulating you & him for sympathy, as though you are the
one who has hurt everyone. Do you have a support system, alanon,
a sponsor, a counselor, a trusted friend? Is your son old enough for
alateen? Support is vital right now as you establish new boundaries
that are rightfully yours.
there no legal contract for an amount he contributes monthly?
That is his moral responsibility and if he really cared about the kids
he would provide it. You feeling greedy and selfish for asking is
playing completely into his manipulation. Don't do it!
You have every, every, every right to have this man over to YOUR
home on YOUR terms. It is an action showing complete disrespect
for him to just walk in. Your son needs to understand this concept
as he needs to possess a healthy respect for you as well, especially as
he gets older.....
I worry about your son seeing you get down on yourself because his
father is manipulating you & him for sympathy, as though you are the
one who has hurt everyone. Do you have a support system, alanon,
a sponsor, a counselor, a trusted friend? Is your son old enough for
alateen? Support is vital right now as you establish new boundaries
that are rightfully yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, RB.
Well, uck.
Sounds like he was feeling bloody minded and you were the one who was going to pay.
Please don’t buy it.
He has made his choices and, apparently they don’t include paying reasonable child support, spending time with his children, or supporting you in any way, shape or form.
His grand gesture of giving you 47 pounds? Please.
And I think that his tears were calculated to upset your son, and, guess what?
Worked perfectly.
I hope you can take a step back, (difficult, I know), and see just how manipulative his behavior was.
Don’t give him an inch more space in your head.
You are so much better than that.
Good luck and good thoughts. I hope you feel better about this soon. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Well, uck.
Sounds like he was feeling bloody minded and you were the one who was going to pay.
Please don’t buy it.
He has made his choices and, apparently they don’t include paying reasonable child support, spending time with his children, or supporting you in any way, shape or form.
His grand gesture of giving you 47 pounds? Please.
And I think that his tears were calculated to upset your son, and, guess what?
Worked perfectly.
I hope you can take a step back, (difficult, I know), and see just how manipulative his behavior was.
Don’t give him an inch more space in your head.
You are so much better than that.
Good luck and good thoughts. I hope you feel better about this soon. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
[left]My son also calls his dad and asks him to come over. How can I explain to him that it’s not ok for Dad to just come over without me being here or asking me first?
I would explain that Mom and Dad have rules now that they are following to make it easier for everyone. Children understand rules, they have a lot of them.
I wouldn't argue the point, rules are rules when Mom says so.
Now, if he asks for an explanation, I would state that Mom and Dad live in different houses now. You wouldn't just invite someone over without asking first would you (like when he has a friend over). Well it's the same with this.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
As to the child support--he has a number of assets like house(s) etc. while you are selling jewelry to pay off mutual bills.
I think time to take the gloves off and get some legal help to get support for his kids. That is a basic. You didn't "make" those kids alone, and he is obliged to share in the expense of bringing them up. No excuses.
I suggest contacting a women's shelter to find out your options about free or low-cost legal help and what your rights are in this situation.
I grew up in a single parent household with money always an issue. My father never contributed more than the bare minimum and we went without much because of it. It isn't much fun growing up that way.
I know you don't want confrontation, and you aren't seeking the money for yourself. But his kids are entitled to it. That isn't greed on your part in any way, shape, or form.
I think time to take the gloves off and get some legal help to get support for his kids. That is a basic. You didn't "make" those kids alone, and he is obliged to share in the expense of bringing them up. No excuses.
I suggest contacting a women's shelter to find out your options about free or low-cost legal help and what your rights are in this situation.
I grew up in a single parent household with money always an issue. My father never contributed more than the bare minimum and we went without much because of it. It isn't much fun growing up that way.
I know you don't want confrontation, and you aren't seeking the money for yourself. But his kids are entitled to it. That isn't greed on your part in any way, shape, or form.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's manipulation. He got himself where he is. Actions have consequences, and he was protected from those consequences up until now. He bought golf clubs? Poor him.
Sorry, I just don't fall for that. My XAH acted the same way, until he didn't, and turned nasty and vile for much of the time.
Sending you a big hug.
Sorry, I just don't fall for that. My XAH acted the same way, until he didn't, and turned nasty and vile for much of the time.
Sending you a big hug.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Gaaah. What a guilt trip. 400 pounds a month on alcohol and somehow this is YOUR problem? Unless you sat on him and poured the alcohol down his throat, all the problems he has now are his own chickens coming home to roost.
Big guilt trip with an extra serving of tears and drama. I sometimes think that tears and drama serve a purpose for addicts, giving them that hit of excitement and stimulation that they crave (as well as stoking the self-pity fires - poor me, I can’t see my kids!).
Who owns these problems? He does, you don’t.
Child support isn’t something he does because he’s a nice person and a great dad. It’s a legal obligation. Please do not let feeling sorry for him get in the way of pursuing support through the court if necessary. Again, who owns this problem ...?
Big guilt trip with an extra serving of tears and drama. I sometimes think that tears and drama serve a purpose for addicts, giving them that hit of excitement and stimulation that they crave (as well as stoking the self-pity fires - poor me, I can’t see my kids!).
Who owns these problems? He does, you don’t.
Child support isn’t something he does because he’s a nice person and a great dad. It’s a legal obligation. Please do not let feeling sorry for him get in the way of pursuing support through the court if necessary. Again, who owns this problem ...?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
BTW good for you for telling your son Dad can’t come over because of his drinking. You are modeling how to deal with emotional manipulation (calmly and reasonably, but firmly). Your son probably doesn’t realize it, but he is learning from your example how to set boundaries with his father, a skill he’s really going to need.
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Posts: 6,047
RB, here's some tough love. Brace yourself to harden up with him. For all his tears he hasn't stopped drinking, spending on himself, or just staying long enough to get his 'fix'.
Why is he still walking in the door? Have you spelt this out very clearly to him yet?
Forget waiting for him to volunteer to give you child support. Get an order to make it compulsory so he can't duck it.
If by any chance he plays the poverty card again you can stop it then and there by calmly pointing out the other things he's spending money on. I know you think there isn't any point, but you're not commenting on his drinking as such, but the availability of money for child support.
Why is he still walking in the door? Have you spelt this out very clearly to him yet?
Forget waiting for him to volunteer to give you child support. Get an order to make it compulsory so he can't duck it.
If by any chance he plays the poverty card again you can stop it then and there by calmly pointing out the other things he's spending money on. I know you think there isn't any point, but you're not commenting on his drinking as such, but the availability of money for child support.
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