Can't Stop Now
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Can't Stop Now
I decided a new thread was in order....things are moving fast. I'm getting the rest of my belongings out of the house and moving on Sunday. AH and I are finishing splitting everything tomorrow. Health insurance has been paid for and cancelled. Ducks are in a row.
I'm now sort of looking ahead. I had to tell my boss and my HR person that I'm moving, since they need the change of address. I kept the conversation pretty brief-- "lease was up, landlord wants to sell the house (which is all true) so we had to move fast". Even if I've only said the truth, I still feel like I'm lying. I haven't told a single soul in my work place that I'm separating from my husband and I honestly don't know how to even bring that up. It's a hard conversation, and a little awkward since I've only worked here nine months and don't know anyone that well. I'm just thinking...I'll have to say something eventually, right? Because I can't keep acting for the next however many months like I'm still married. I just really don't want to talk about it at all.
AH and I have mostly had no contact aside from making our designated times to meet to divide assets/finances. He's been shockingly very civil, and I wonder if reality has set in for him and he's finally realized he needs to handle this instead of trying to avoid it. I don't want to push but I've been doing some research and I would really like to get a dissolution instead of a divorce. It costs less, and the process would go much quicker (assuming he cooperates) since we would be the ones deciding how to split everything up. Which is honestly sort of what we're already doing in an unofficial sense. I just don't know if I should show up tomorrow with the paperwork since we are meeting already, or if I should just bring up what he'd like to do or what....It's just all getting very real now and I don't want to rush, but I also want to get this behind me instead of having it hover like a dark cloud.
I'm now sort of looking ahead. I had to tell my boss and my HR person that I'm moving, since they need the change of address. I kept the conversation pretty brief-- "lease was up, landlord wants to sell the house (which is all true) so we had to move fast". Even if I've only said the truth, I still feel like I'm lying. I haven't told a single soul in my work place that I'm separating from my husband and I honestly don't know how to even bring that up. It's a hard conversation, and a little awkward since I've only worked here nine months and don't know anyone that well. I'm just thinking...I'll have to say something eventually, right? Because I can't keep acting for the next however many months like I'm still married. I just really don't want to talk about it at all.
AH and I have mostly had no contact aside from making our designated times to meet to divide assets/finances. He's been shockingly very civil, and I wonder if reality has set in for him and he's finally realized he needs to handle this instead of trying to avoid it. I don't want to push but I've been doing some research and I would really like to get a dissolution instead of a divorce. It costs less, and the process would go much quicker (assuming he cooperates) since we would be the ones deciding how to split everything up. Which is honestly sort of what we're already doing in an unofficial sense. I just don't know if I should show up tomorrow with the paperwork since we are meeting already, or if I should just bring up what he'd like to do or what....It's just all getting very real now and I don't want to rush, but I also want to get this behind me instead of having it hover like a dark cloud.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
All good things! Keep moving.
If you have only worked there 9 months, I think a simple "I have actually split from my husband, it's not something I like to talk about," would suffice if it comes up.
Sending big hugs!
If you have only worked there 9 months, I think a simple "I have actually split from my husband, it's not something I like to talk about," would suffice if it comes up.
Sending big hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emmab…...It looks like you are marching forward, in spite of your fears! That is what courage is...doing what you gotta do, even when you are afraid.....
About sharing at the workplace....To me, I see it as a scenario-dependent situation....I feel like it is best handled on a "need to know" basis.....meaning you only tell those who have a real NEED to know....
I think that most people don't spend their time thinking about us as much as they assume they do....Most people are more consumed with dealing with their own lives and their own challenges....
Do you spend your private time ruminating about the private lives of those people that you only barely know or meet in passing?...….I doubt it.....
About sharing at the workplace....To me, I see it as a scenario-dependent situation....I feel like it is best handled on a "need to know" basis.....meaning you only tell those who have a real NEED to know....
I think that most people don't spend their time thinking about us as much as they assume they do....Most people are more consumed with dealing with their own lives and their own challenges....
Do you spend your private time ruminating about the private lives of those people that you only barely know or meet in passing?...….I doubt it.....
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I was always very open about my relationship status at work. That's just me and when it was over I told the people I was friendly with, but I don't think that is necessary.
I think if you aren't ready to talk about it, don't. It is no one's business, and they will just ask uncomfortable questions. Honestly, I wish people at work would talk less about their personal problems.
I would wait until I was settled in separate homes before giving him paperwork. Are you doing it yourself without a lawyer? It's going to be emotional.
I think if you aren't ready to talk about it, don't. It is no one's business, and they will just ask uncomfortable questions. Honestly, I wish people at work would talk less about their personal problems.
I would wait until I was settled in separate homes before giving him paperwork. Are you doing it yourself without a lawyer? It's going to be emotional.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Onward, you are handling this so well Emma!
For work, personally I wouldn't even mention it, it doesn't affect them.
As for the paperwork, I would leave it since things are going along swimmingly at the moment. Since the dissolution would be less expensive I would absolutely go with that, since you have already sorted out belongings.
Now, if you are really hankering to get this all done and feel you want to tackle the dissolution paperwork tomorrow, well just go for it. Again, even a marriage contract is just that, a contract, a business exchange, not to be confused with an actual relationship.
I only mention this as it might help to not take it on an emotional level and maybe even let him know that if you think it's appropriate if things start to get emotional. Those pieces of paper have absolutely nothing to do with how you do or don't feel about each other, you know?
For work, personally I wouldn't even mention it, it doesn't affect them.
As for the paperwork, I would leave it since things are going along swimmingly at the moment. Since the dissolution would be less expensive I would absolutely go with that, since you have already sorted out belongings.
Now, if you are really hankering to get this all done and feel you want to tackle the dissolution paperwork tomorrow, well just go for it. Again, even a marriage contract is just that, a contract, a business exchange, not to be confused with an actual relationship.
I only mention this as it might help to not take it on an emotional level and maybe even let him know that if you think it's appropriate if things start to get emotional. Those pieces of paper have absolutely nothing to do with how you do or don't feel about each other, you know?
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by emmab219 
I decided a new thread was in order....things are moving fast. I'm getting the rest of my belongings out of the house and moving on Sunday. AH and I are finishing splitting everything tomorrow. Health insurance has been paid for and cancelled. Ducks are in a row.
I'm now sort of looking ahead. I had to tell my boss and my HR person that I'm moving, since they need the change of address. I kept the conversation pretty brief-- "lease was up, landlord wants to sell the house (which is all true) so we had to move fast". Even if I've only said the truth, I still feel like I'm lying. I haven't told a single soul in my work place that I'm separating from my husband and I honestly don't know how to even bring that up. It's a hard conversation, and a little awkward since I've only worked here nine months and don't know anyone that well. I'm just thinking...I'll have to say something eventually, right? Because I can't keep acting for the next however many months like I'm still married. I just really don't want to talk about it at all.
AH and I have mostly had no contact aside from making our designated times to meet to divide assets/finances. He's been shockingly very civil, and I wonder if reality has set in for him and he's finally realized he needs to handle this instead of trying to avoid it. I don't want to push but I've been doing some research and I would really like to get a dissolution instead of a divorce. It costs less, and the process would go much quicker (assuming he cooperates) since we would be the ones deciding how to split everything up. Which is honestly sort of what we're already doing in an unofficial sense. I just don't know if I should show up tomorrow with the paperwork since we are meeting already, or if I should just bring up what he'd like to do or what....It's just all getting very real now and I don't want to rush, but I also want to get this behind me instead of having it hover like a dark cloud.
I'm now sort of looking ahead. I had to tell my boss and my HR person that I'm moving, since they need the change of address. I kept the conversation pretty brief-- "lease was up, landlord wants to sell the house (which is all true) so we had to move fast". Even if I've only said the truth, I still feel like I'm lying. I haven't told a single soul in my work place that I'm separating from my husband and I honestly don't know how to even bring that up. It's a hard conversation, and a little awkward since I've only worked here nine months and don't know anyone that well. I'm just thinking...I'll have to say something eventually, right? Because I can't keep acting for the next however many months like I'm still married. I just really don't want to talk about it at all.
AH and I have mostly had no contact aside from making our designated times to meet to divide assets/finances. He's been shockingly very civil, and I wonder if reality has set in for him and he's finally realized he needs to handle this instead of trying to avoid it. I don't want to push but I've been doing some research and I would really like to get a dissolution instead of a divorce. It costs less, and the process would go much quicker (assuming he cooperates) since we would be the ones deciding how to split everything up. Which is honestly sort of what we're already doing in an unofficial sense. I just don't know if I should show up tomorrow with the paperwork since we are meeting already, or if I should just bring up what he'd like to do or what....It's just all getting very real now and I don't want to rush, but I also want to get this behind me instead of having it hover like a dark cloud.
I don’t think you have to tell anyone if you don’t want to, I know you “feel different” but if they don’t need to know then don’t tell them if you are not comfortable with it!
Hugs to you! So happy for you!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just don't know if I should show up tomorrow with the paperwork since we are meeting already, or if I should just bring up what he'd like to do or what....It's just all getting very real now and I don't want to rush, but I also want to get this behind me instead of having it hover like a dark cloud.
by asking HIM what he wants to do you open yourself up to other options that are not in line with what YOU want. it's not like you two are on a beach in the south of France and you suddenly whip out dissolution papers. this machine is already cranking, some stops and starts, but not a surprise for anybody!
so do what you gotta do. be efficient and cordial. get it done. check off the box.
by asking HIM what he wants to do you open yourself up to other options that are not in line with what YOU want. it's not like you two are on a beach in the south of France and you suddenly whip out dissolution papers. this machine is already cranking, some stops and starts, but not a surprise for anybody!
so do what you gotta do. be efficient and cordial. get it done. check off the box.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thank you, everyone!
I got all moved into my new apartment yesterday. Might've been one of the hardest days/night of my life, and I was lucky enough to have all three of my best friends drive in to help me move, unpack, organize, etc. I'm feeling all sorts of emotional today, like I'm on the verge of tears but they just won't come. I'm heartbroken, relieved, and excited somehow all at once. And maybe even a little guilty...everyone keeps telling me how brave I am and how proud they are and I want to feel that way but I can't get over my guilt for leaving. Especially seeing the state the house is in that AH and I shared. It's a mess. I wanted so badly to make the bed and clean up for him when I was there, but thankfully my dad adamantly put his foot down and made me wait outside while everything got moved.
Also-- AH left some not so nice messages for me. Including a butcher knife sticking straight up in the counter like it had been stabbed there (hope the landlord doesn't see the new nick in the counter) and a 'f*ck you, b*tch' on the TV. It hurts a lot to be on the receiving end of so much hostility and anger from somebody I still love an unbearable amount. It felt nice to be in my own, quiet apartment last night but I tossed and turned worrying about AH, if he was okay, if he would be fine all alone, etc. Id don't know how to get out of this headspace of guilt and constant worry. He's 38, a grown man. He should be able to take care of himself.
Anyways, I really hope these next few weeks the knot in my stomach and the ache in my chest start to ease. I hope to feel lighter and happier in the coming months as I shed this old life and start over. I am so grateful to have all of your support, and the support of close friends and family. I was little in awe of how many people showed up for me-- helping move, and then washing dishes, hanging photographs, decorating, and taking all my wedding things/reminders of my marriage and carefully boxing them away so I wouldn't have to look at them. Even though it made me feel all sorts of emotional to watch my friend drive off with my wedding dress in her backseat.
I remind myself a lot that I'm doing the right thing, and I really hope I am. Reading through my threads from a year and a half ago makes me feel more validated, seeing how miserable I was. I know I'm going to be okay. It's just getting there.
I got all moved into my new apartment yesterday. Might've been one of the hardest days/night of my life, and I was lucky enough to have all three of my best friends drive in to help me move, unpack, organize, etc. I'm feeling all sorts of emotional today, like I'm on the verge of tears but they just won't come. I'm heartbroken, relieved, and excited somehow all at once. And maybe even a little guilty...everyone keeps telling me how brave I am and how proud they are and I want to feel that way but I can't get over my guilt for leaving. Especially seeing the state the house is in that AH and I shared. It's a mess. I wanted so badly to make the bed and clean up for him when I was there, but thankfully my dad adamantly put his foot down and made me wait outside while everything got moved.
Also-- AH left some not so nice messages for me. Including a butcher knife sticking straight up in the counter like it had been stabbed there (hope the landlord doesn't see the new nick in the counter) and a 'f*ck you, b*tch' on the TV. It hurts a lot to be on the receiving end of so much hostility and anger from somebody I still love an unbearable amount. It felt nice to be in my own, quiet apartment last night but I tossed and turned worrying about AH, if he was okay, if he would be fine all alone, etc. Id don't know how to get out of this headspace of guilt and constant worry. He's 38, a grown man. He should be able to take care of himself.
Anyways, I really hope these next few weeks the knot in my stomach and the ache in my chest start to ease. I hope to feel lighter and happier in the coming months as I shed this old life and start over. I am so grateful to have all of your support, and the support of close friends and family. I was little in awe of how many people showed up for me-- helping move, and then washing dishes, hanging photographs, decorating, and taking all my wedding things/reminders of my marriage and carefully boxing them away so I wouldn't have to look at them. Even though it made me feel all sorts of emotional to watch my friend drive off with my wedding dress in her backseat.
I remind myself a lot that I'm doing the right thing, and I really hope I am. Reading through my threads from a year and a half ago makes me feel more validated, seeing how miserable I was. I know I'm going to be okay. It's just getting there.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
His unstable behavior should definitely show you that you are absolutely doing the right thing. You do not want to spend your life with someone who acts so vile when push comes to shove. It only progresses.
Big hugs, you;ve got this!
Big hugs, you;ve got this!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Be careful.
I'm glad you got moved and that your Dad and friends saw the knife and the message on the TV.
Again, do not be alone with him ever. He's unstable. This is the most dangerous time for women who leave - especially when there is substance abuse. Increased intake, increased anger, blackouts. All kinds of crazy could happen. Did you get a picture of that knife and the TV? I think that would be enough for a restraining order.
I'm glad you got moved and that your Dad and friends saw the knife and the message on the TV.
Again, do not be alone with him ever. He's unstable. This is the most dangerous time for women who leave - especially when there is substance abuse. Increased intake, increased anger, blackouts. All kinds of crazy could happen. Did you get a picture of that knife and the TV? I think that would be enough for a restraining order.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I agree with bim--I'd get the restraining order just to be on the safe side.
That isn't "normal" behavior even in a break-up. That's over the top and does really show you made the right choice.
Be careful, and yes, you will begin to feel better quite soon. Being safe and away from emotional purgatory, as well as not having to babysit a drunk will have that effect.
He's an adult and you aren't his mother. Maybe this will actually give him some incentive to make changes and deal with his addiction and grow up. Or maybe not. Either way, not your problem anymore.
Enjoy your lovely new home
That isn't "normal" behavior even in a break-up. That's over the top and does really show you made the right choice.
Be careful, and yes, you will begin to feel better quite soon. Being safe and away from emotional purgatory, as well as not having to babysit a drunk will have that effect.
He's an adult and you aren't his mother. Maybe this will actually give him some incentive to make changes and deal with his addiction and grow up. Or maybe not. Either way, not your problem anymore.
Enjoy your lovely new home
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Condolences and congrats Emma. Somehow there is no short, correct thing to say in this situation.
I hope you heal and grow in the next few weeks and months. I'm sure there will be some tough times.
Does your AH know where you live now? He sounds more than a bit scary right now. If there is anything positive you can do for an alcoholic, you just did it.
I hope you heal and grow in the next few weeks and months. I'm sure there will be some tough times.
Does your AH know where you live now? He sounds more than a bit scary right now. If there is anything positive you can do for an alcoholic, you just did it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Well I'm so glad you are moved out and in your own place.
Guilt should be reserved for times when you have done something wrong. You haven't actually.
That said, I totally get it.
If you decided to move to Taipei for a brilliant job opportunity, you would feel guilty for moving and leaving your family and friends who will be missing you. Doesn't mean you have done anything wrong and of course you can't take responsibility for their feelings (and they don't expect you to).
His reactions are very odd, in a twisted way. The knife, the note, those are threats to you. Only someone with a lot of uncontrolled rage would do that. You are no longer safe around him, at all, not even for a few minutes. If he knows where you live and comes by, please don't let him in.
If he calls and wants to meet, please don't meet him. He is a threat to you, please keep that in the forefront of all interactions with him.
You are doing well. As the days go on you are going to feel better and better.
Guilt should be reserved for times when you have done something wrong. You haven't actually.
That said, I totally get it.
If you decided to move to Taipei for a brilliant job opportunity, you would feel guilty for moving and leaving your family and friends who will be missing you. Doesn't mean you have done anything wrong and of course you can't take responsibility for their feelings (and they don't expect you to).
His reactions are very odd, in a twisted way. The knife, the note, those are threats to you. Only someone with a lot of uncontrolled rage would do that. You are no longer safe around him, at all, not even for a few minutes. If he knows where you live and comes by, please don't let him in.
If he calls and wants to meet, please don't meet him. He is a threat to you, please keep that in the forefront of all interactions with him.
You are doing well. As the days go on you are going to feel better and better.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by emmab219
I remind myself a lot that I'm doing the right thing, and I really hope I am. Reading through my threads from a year and a half ago makes me feel more validated, seeing how miserable I was. I know I'm going to be okay. It's just getting there.
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