Leochic06

Hi,

11 months ago I met my bf on a dating app. When we met, he was funny and charming. We quickly connected. In the beginning he was very interested and said things about moving in together and marrying me.
After a few months I began ti trust him and we startef saying I love you.

I noticed his drinking in the beggining and noticed he was a heavy drinker. About 4 months into our relationship he snuck into my family members liquor cabinet and drank so much he passed out on the floor. That night, we got into a huge argument and I second guessed our relationship.

I ended up continuing the relationship but continued. On Thanksgiving he got so drunk he peed the bed. He agreed to go to counseling but only went 3 times and then quit.

In Jan. We started fighting a lot. We wanted to move into together in May. We signed a lease. But quickly cancelled it due to a massive fight. That night he told me he almost had a massive breakdown. He got blackout drunk and said he drove to McDonald's without remembering it.

After our fight he said he loved me and was committed to making our relationship work. He says we have a lack of communication.

A week later, he proceeded to get very drunk and I had to tell him he wouldn't be able to stay at my sister's house. 4 days after that he says he loves me but isnt in love with me.

After he talked to his Mom (who really likes me), he has decided he was "too rash" and wants to make it work. He wants me as his girlfriend.

I've noticed that he never says he loves me anymore but we still see each other.

My Mom who has had an alcoholic brother says that as soon as I put a boundary in effect thats when he changed his mind.

I am pissed (and have told him) that I stuck around even during his worse of times for him just to leave. I told him that everytime he drinks bad I have had my doubts but stay in the relationship.


I guess I don't know what I want from this post. Has anymore experienced massive mood swings with their loved one? Why do you think he has changed his mind so much? Is the relationship worth keeping?

Hawkeye13

You got between him and his drinking. With an addict, the addiction always wins.

Please don't take that personally--you did the right thing.

I think there are red flags all over this and he actually did you a favor.

Be strong and learn about addiction. This may be as good as it gets for him if he keeps drinking--alcoholism is progressive.

Best to you.

SparkleKitty

1. Yes, massive mood swings are a hallmark of active addiction.

2. Does it really matter why he has changed his mind so much? Is this what you want from a partner?

3. It doesn't sound like a relationship that is meeting your needs. This is who he is right now and there is no reason to believe he will change. So I ask you, is this relationship worth keeping?

atalose

In my opinion NO. The obvious is his continued drinking issues and lack of stopping that. This relationship has all the hallmarks of a typical alcoholic/enabler toxic relationship. He has unacceptable behaviors, stealing liquor from a family members liquor cabinet, getting blackout drunk, emotionally hurtful behavior with the I love you- no I don’t and you continue to accept the unacceptable.

I think the key to your future happiness in life is figuring out why you ignored so many red flags in this short lived dating experience. Why you fell so hard and so fast for someone who is always under the influence. And why after receiving such unacceptable behavior you would even consider continuing to date this guy.

Soseking75

Your story sounds very familiar... my bf just dumped me a week ago after being together off and on for over two years. He told me he loved me 16 months after we've known each other so I took it to be true .. I still do believe he meant it but.. after heartache twice over I know he isn't stable. Alcohol sure is the devil and it allows them to be whoever they are in the "moment".

It's a tough pill to swallow to decide if you want to continue a path of deception. I'm still struggling to think he could say so much but yet is any of really true?

I know you must really care for him and your feelings are genuine.. but beware that he will continue to rip your heart out as long as he's drinking. Even sober he might not know how to feel. That's one reason they drink.. they don't want to feel...they are suppressing something they can't deal with.

My heart goes out to you because it hurts to think a man you love can sit there and tell you he doesn't. At least he told you.. mine decided to be a wimp and just not give any explanation.

You might love him still but you figure out what's best for you. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I'll pray for you.. it's not easy.

doggonecarl

No.

dandylion

Leo......It sounds like you have a very high tolerance for bad behavior in others.....You might want to examine why you would stay in such a relationship for so long...…
It has been high conflict from the beginning.....with lots of red flags and warning signs....
Massive fighting in less that one year of meeting....that is a sure sign that you are headed for even more heartache....more than you can imagine...

If you care about your future happiness....best to let this go....
He may be doing for you, what you can't do for yourself.....
Your being with him, has not kept him from drinking.....love, alone, is not enough to deal with the damage of alcoholism....
Staying will not help him and will do great harm to you.....

Leochic06

I think part of it is I feel that my communication is not great. So in part I feel like massive fighting may have been to me not being able to communicate properly due to my own codependency issues.

He made a comment earlier that said that if I had more experience with dating I would have left him due to his bad behavior 6 months ago.


I'm having more of trouble with him not being truthful and telling me he loves me.

dandylion

Leo...sneaking into your family's liquor cabinet and drinking to passing out....has nothing to do with your communication skills.....

He tell lies....says he loves you...then says that he doesn't....sounds to me like HE has some communication issues....
Actively drinking alcoholics lie all the time...about everything....because it is part of their disease.
That is why we say to watch their actions...not their words....

Lack of experience in dating is not why you have stayed with him....It is because of lack of self-esteem....and the lack of boundaries to protect yourself from the destructive behaviors of others...
Stop believing everything a drunk says....(even if you do think you love him)…..

atalose

I think that this statement he said is one that you can and should believe.

Leochic06

He also last week admitted to sneaking shooters into my house and taking them. He said he wanted to tell me so we can get everythinh out in the open and move forward.

He also told me his Mom says he has the same problem in all of his relationships.

Why would he tell me that?

SparkleKitty

So you'll feel sorry for him?

Who knows why he does or says these things. What matters is how these things make you feel and whether or not you want that in your life. You don't deserve it, but it's on you to figure out whether you want it.

AnvilheadII

I stuck around even during his worse of times for him just to leave

actually you've only been around and seen a very short time frame of his life and his drinking process. he didn't START drinking when you met, he didn't have his first blackout AFTER you came along, that bed wasn't the first piece of furniture he's urinated on.

it's like you opened a 500 page book and there you are in two paragraphs on page 283.

you get to decide how you want to be treated. don't just take whatever crap somebody dishes out because they SAY they want you for a g/f. he is only a couple of paragraphs in your book too.............

velma929

This almost made me laugh out loud:

Would the problem be booze?

seekingcalm

I hate be harsh, but you will NEVER be able to understand or make sense of ANYTHING an active alcoholic says or does.
Want to hear something funny, well not really funny.
I found Sober Recovery on the day I googled, "alcoholic insanity". I found myself so confused by my live-in boyfriend at the time. I thought alcohol may have made him crazy. I knew nothing about this disease, but boy did I become an expert fast.
I stayed on this wonderful site, and I read, and I even read the Big Book of AA, and I went to Al-Anon, and then I ran....I ran as fast as I could. I promise you that if you remain in this relationship with an active alcoholic, you will be in for more heartache and more hurt and more confusion than you can imagine.
Your instincts are real, and they are telling you something is wrong. Listen to them, forget about his mother, forget about him, take care of yourself. You won't be sorry.

Leochic06

I mean yeah... She has mentioned it. However takes him to every winery when she is town.

Ariesagain

You’re communicating here just fine, hon. Don’t let his words become your truth about yourself, okay?

Wishing you peace.

trailmix

I don't know what you are like speaking but your communication seems quite clear to me!

What makes you think you don't communicate clearly?

You have posted:

- Stole liquor from your family
- Passed out
- Peed in the bed
- Agreed to go to counselling but only went 3 times
- Fighting a lot
- Almost moved in together but had a massive fight
- Blacks out and drives drunk
- After finding out he can't stay at your Sister's - he decides he is not "in love"
- Changes his mind
- Admits to lying (by omission) about sneaking shooters in to your house

The longer you stay with him the harder it will be to leave him, so that's something to consider (or maybe easier, depends how it goes).

I don't know how old you are and what your plans are but do you plan to say get married some day and have children? Having children with an alcoholic is something you really probably don't want? Can you see him in a role like that in your future if that is what you want?

Anyway just a thought. If this relationship is not right for you maybe it's time to let him go? There are so many red flags, so many concerns that you have, is that what you want? Is this the romantic relationship you want in your life?

Leochic06

I am 31. This is how my situation is unique. He is my first semi serious relationship. So I think that might be why it's so hard to walk away. I was very vunerable with him from the beginning. And i felt ok because of who he was.

I have had multiple people on here and off say I need to leave.

I wonder what would it be like if he got sober?

I think too he changed his mind so quickly it confuses me.

trailmix

It's really not all that confusing if you know about alcoholism. Alcoholics are notoriously unreliable. Read around the forum, read about how they don't call, don't do what they say they will, do things that make no sense.

You cannot make sense out of illogical things, you just can't. If you try to you are just going to be beating your head against the wall.

So, what if he got sober? First of all that's a HUGE deal. Quitting alcohol for an alcoholic is like asking them not to breathe. Have you ever been on a diet? One of those ones where it's so restrictive all you can think about is where your next morsel of food is coming from. You are always hungry, always wishing you could have something! Well it's kind of like that x10.

Now, once they stop and go through the physical withdrawal, that's almost the easy part, as not nice as it is. They then need help to recover. This can take years. Are there underlying mental health conditions? Why is he drinking, what is he covering up? Depression, anxiety, social anxiety? Or nothing, you just don't know.

Also remember, you don't know him sober.

You might find these articles interesting:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Also these:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)