Hard few weeks
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 16
Hard few weeks
I have posted this in the grief and loss forum but I used to post in this forum so I just wanted to put it here to.
I haven’t posted for a few years but my alcoholic ex boyfriend died 7 weeks ago on Thursday. He was only 44 and we have a beautiful 7 year old daughter together. It’s been a really hard time and I’m struggling with the grief. Could I have done more, What if I had done this or that it’s so hard.
He was diagnosed with ms 11 years ago which was never an issue for me but he started drinking heavily about 7 years ago he always enjoyed a drink but didn’t get bad until 7 years ago. We would have been separated 4 years in November. Was the hardest most heartbreaking decision having to leave him but I had to for me and my daughters sake.
He used to see my daughter some weekends but not as regular as he should have we spoke regular and I helped him as much as I could. Last few months he would speak to me for hours in the phone each phone call ended up with him in tears was hard to hear him so upset. 2 weeks before he died I was cleaning his room changing his bed for him and food shopping for him as he couldn’t do it. He could barely walk apart from to the shop for his vodka. This year he only saw her 4 times his drinking was worse he was also having a relapse with his ms and I have since found out at his funeral he was also taking drugs. His friend found him passed away in his room I went up to his house on the day he died and the police took me into his room seeing him was heartbreaking. Having to tell my 7 year old her daddy has gone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I’m struggling with the grief, with guilt could I have done more and knowing I won’t hear from him or see him again and his daughter won’t see him again. The coroners have opened an investigation as can’t find cause of death the pathologist so far says alcohol but it’s not confirmed his family are holding onto it being his ms but I think I know it wasn’t that but I can understand how it would be easier for his family if it was.
I just wish things hadn’t ended this way I miss him so much and so does my daughter. Sorry for the long post I just feel like I have no one to really talk to as we weren’t together so people don’t understand but if it wasn’t for the drink
we would have still been together
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Happyoneday…..Of course you are grieving....and,of course you and your daughter are missing him. He has been a big part of your lives....
I hope you will resist taking on a mantle of guilt.....I think of it as "false guilt".....I believe that it is the natural way the emotions try to avoid the full impact of the loss...by trying to reach back and re-arrange history..."If I had done this...he wouldn't b gone"...."If I had don that, he wouldn't have been an alcoholic"...If I had done t hat, he wouldn't have suffered MS".....
the mind/emotions will pull all kinds of maneuvers during the grieving process....all in an attempt to take the edge off of the actual loss.....
I think, that, during grief, one of the most comforting and healing things is the human connection to other humans. I consider it vital.
I get your point, that many people don't know how to relate....
It is important to talk to those who do understand.....
You could go to alanon or naranon...because those people will understand beyond mere words (you qualify)….
Most hospitals offer grief support groups....you can just call hospital administration....and, they will direct you...
There are grief forums on the internet (similar to this one)…..
There are, also, meet-up groups in communities...that you can find by google searches...that are for widows or widowers.....these people would surely understand....
Don't isloate yourself, and don't try to walk this all alone....
***I think that a few visits to a child psychologist could advise you on how to help your daughter....as this is likely to have more impact on her life, in the overall picture, than even yours.....
I am so sorry for your loss....I know that you are going through a rough time....
I just want to say that I have had lots of MS in my family.....One sister that passed from complications of MS....and two cousins with the condition, as well as one brother-in-law....
I hope you will resist taking on a mantle of guilt.....I think of it as "false guilt".....I believe that it is the natural way the emotions try to avoid the full impact of the loss...by trying to reach back and re-arrange history..."If I had done this...he wouldn't b gone"...."If I had don that, he wouldn't have been an alcoholic"...If I had done t hat, he wouldn't have suffered MS".....
the mind/emotions will pull all kinds of maneuvers during the grieving process....all in an attempt to take the edge off of the actual loss.....
I think, that, during grief, one of the most comforting and healing things is the human connection to other humans. I consider it vital.
I get your point, that many people don't know how to relate....
It is important to talk to those who do understand.....
You could go to alanon or naranon...because those people will understand beyond mere words (you qualify)….
Most hospitals offer grief support groups....you can just call hospital administration....and, they will direct you...
There are grief forums on the internet (similar to this one)…..
There are, also, meet-up groups in communities...that you can find by google searches...that are for widows or widowers.....these people would surely understand....
Don't isloate yourself, and don't try to walk this all alone....
***I think that a few visits to a child psychologist could advise you on how to help your daughter....as this is likely to have more impact on her life, in the overall picture, than even yours.....
I am so sorry for your loss....I know that you are going through a rough time....
I just want to say that I have had lots of MS in my family.....One sister that passed from complications of MS....and two cousins with the condition, as well as one brother-in-law....
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
(I responded in Grief & Loss)
Hi Happyoneday. That is a heartbreaking story, & I'm so sorry for all you've been through.
I had to give up on my husband long ago, so our son & I missed out on having him in our lives. I understand how painful the decision is to leave the relationship. You went above and beyond by being there for him, especially at the end. I don't believe there is anything you could have done to help him see the light. They have to want it for themselves, & our love can't save them.
Prayers for you are going up. I'm so sorry.
__________________
Hi Happyoneday. That is a heartbreaking story, & I'm so sorry for all you've been through.
I had to give up on my husband long ago, so our son & I missed out on having him in our lives. I understand how painful the decision is to leave the relationship. You went above and beyond by being there for him, especially at the end. I don't believe there is anything you could have done to help him see the light. They have to want it for themselves, & our love can't save them.
Prayers for you are going up. I'm so sorry.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 16
Thanks dandelion. It’s nice to hear that people understand. I do worry about the effect this will have on my daughter at the moment she has dealt with it all so well but I worry how she will be in a few years time I talk to her as much as she wants to about it all and she knows I am always here and she can talk to me about anything. I think maybe a trip to my gp maybe a good idea and see what they can offer in terms of support for us maybe councilling could be a good idea.
Im sorry to hear your family has a lot of MS and sorry to hear about your sister it’s a really awful illness. My ex had several relapses each one very different to the others it’s just horrible.
Im sorry to hear your family has a lot of MS and sorry to hear about your sister it’s a really awful illness. My ex had several relapses each one very different to the others it’s just horrible.
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