BillyFries

I've been a heavy drinker for the last 25 years or so. I'm a professional imbiber. None of my family suspected anything. I would never let people know I was hungover. I'd sneak extra shots from my stash in the garage to avoid suspicion as to the quantity I would consume. I'd switch out liquor stores each time so that if I even entered with someone I knew, I wouldn't be a "regular." I'd pre-drink before any social event. I could sneak a flask in anywhere. I'd get cash-back from the register at Wal-Mart so that I could pay cash at the liquor store and my ex-wife would not see my debit card in use at the liquor store. I'd keep vodka in my glovebox so I could have a few swigs before I got home. Surely a handle or two of liquor isn't THAT bad in a week if you spread it out, right? What total stupidity.

Now fast forward 20 years...I've been divorced for a few years from my first wife, and my recent fiance also left me. Not for drinking per se in their eyes, but because I become an ******* and say mean things and/or end up threatening them when I'm drinking. They would both say that I drink too much, but I don't think that they see how the two are so strongly related because of how well I hid how MUCH and how often I drank. I've lost the two loves in my life, and my divorce caused me to not have custody of my three kids. I wish I could start over. I've got a fatty liver, my weight is up, and I've failed as a husband and father. This is it, this is my final shot. My kids are still young so I've got to never drink again, and fight to be the best dad to them I can be. I guess I can be thankful that I don't have a physical addiction yet, just a mental compulsion that I have to fight. Anyway, thanks for reading. Just wanted to get some of this off my chest to people who understand.

This is my first time being serious about stopping. I've stopped before for months at a time, but I was more in a taking a break / cutting down mode. I don't think I can operate that way, I think I need to be done for good. This is my day 3...

fini

welcome, BillyFries.
congratulations on recognizing you need more than take a break and are showing up for that.
way to go on day three

WhoDeyPI

Ahhhh sneaking that extra few shots in when no one is looking. It's fine, because when we are drunk, we can act normal. We are professional alcoholics. Little do we know, as sneaky as we THINK we are.....other people do notice.

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're with us, and I'm glad you've committed to ending the cycle.

PHIL39

You can't change the past so it's about owning it. Numbing yourself hasn't worked, what's the alternative? Well, there's an organisation called AA that might help. I beseech you to attend. We aren't bad people trying to become good, we are sick people trying to get well. Living is more than survival and medicating so be brave and explore your pain but also your potential of joy. Educate yourself about addiction. Take care.

dpac414

Glad you're here.

You can definitely do this. Read around, join the May class, the upcoming weekenders thread, 24 hr connections, whatever it takes. Go to AA, outpatient, read books, articles, etc. Just don't drink.

Day 3 is great. Keep posting!

Atlast9999

MantaLady

Welcome BillyFries!! Congrats on taking the first steps, SR is a great place for support. Just take it one day at a time for now, the thought of never ever drinking again was too much for me in the first few months so I stuck with the common mantra of "today I will not drink" and that is as far as I committed to each morning I awoke. That was less overwhelming and seems to have worked so far. xx

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.
Your post sure brought back some memories. Ahh, sneaking a few shots of vodka that is eighty degrees from being in the glove box. Real social drinking.
I did pretty much all you did and more. I was never far from a drink for thirty years.
I hope you stick around here, you'll find a lot of support from people who understand.
And congratulations on day three. Remember, you never have to drink again.
Relationships can be mended. Best to you.

BillyFries

Thanks all, I appreciate the support!

Rd2quit

I am glad you decided to join. I joined SR 7 months ago. I use SR as my method of recovery and I use it every single day. I could not have maintained sobriety without the tools and support SR offers. Life is so much better now than it was when I was actively drinking.

Hevyn

It's so good to meet you, Billy. You never have to feel alone, or that no one understands. That's one of the best things about SR.

I drank 30 yrs. I had all the same clever tricks. I'd do anything so I wouldn't shake or get anxious. I can't believe I somehow justified that behavior & allowed myself to continue with it, even when I was drinking all day in the end. It feels so good to be free. Congratulations on your 3 days.

ImNotThatGuy

Congratulations on Day 3, BillyFries. I'm early along too. This place has been really helpful. I make a point of checking in here every day.

Just so you know, the first five days or so were the hardest for me. Around the sixth day, I woke up and felt human for the first time in a long time, and it's just getting better since then!

The thing is, don't drink ever again. AA works for a lot of people. AVRT is helping me a lot, at least in understanding the mechanics of how my lizard brain used to trick my rational brain into taking that first drink. Therapy, affirmations... lots of tools out there and lots of people who can relate.

Good luck, man. Keep it up!

GerandTwine

Hi BF,

If you take a look at Addictive Voice Recognition Technique in the Secular Connections and Permanent Abstinence Based Recovery subforums here, you may learn a way to turn your thoughts into reality.

GT

MindfulMan

Let me let you in on a little secret.

You weren't fooling anyone who knew you well.

If you want the stop the negative consequences of drink, stop drinking. All that hiding is exhausting anyway.

I second the look at AVRT above. 12 Step is another solution.

Congrats on your new life. Because that's what it is.

IcedVoVo

Hi Billy and welcome. It’s true-you never have to feel this way ever again. It’s completely free and not contingent upon the behavior of other people or events in your life. There’s much less stress this way—freedom is always available to us. Freedom from illness and pain that piles on top of life and suffocates us in so many ways. I love the clarity, and even the tenderness and vulnerability that is less than comfortable at times. It’s just better to feel than not, and I never thought I would enjoy this level of awareness but I do.

Glad to be on this path with you.

Red

least

Welcome to the family Billy. Stick around and watch your 3 days turn into 300 days. I got sober over 9 yrs ago and don't regret a minute of it. I don't miss drinking at all and I love waking up feeling good.

AtomicBlue

Welcome Billy! You've made a great decision. As much as I wanted to quit for my family, in the end I had to want to quit for myself. After failing on my own attempts to quit I made the leap and sought help. So happy I did. It is such a joy to play with my kids now (sober and non-hungover). Way, way better than anything alcohol had been doing for me the past few years of drinking. I hope you get there too.

BillyFries

Thanks all! I'm doing some AA and AVRT research to see which is better for me...at minimum I'll be here at SR like Rd2quit. So far so good on day 4...drove by the liquor store on my way home last night. Didn't stop, but I sure slowed down. I started thinking about what the cashier told me one day when I (jokingly, at the time), told him that I needed to quit drinking so much. He said...."hey, you know you get a 10% discount with your one year chip!" Funny at the time, not so much now! I keep getting thoughts like....what if I just drink alone, and it won't affect anybody at all? Or, how will I function at my friend's 4th of July cookout without a drink? But I know that this disease is cumulative, and I'm resolved not to give in to the devil on my shoulder.

MLD51

Welcome, Billy. Congratulations on choosing freedom.

I lived in denial about my drinking for years. I was afraid to quit, but I was also really afraid of the road I was on with alcohol. I hadn't lost anything major YET. Still had a job, home, friends, family, some money in the bank. But the consequences were piling up and it wasn't going to be long before those things were going to slip away. I almost lost my most important friendship. I saw the look of sadness and sometimes anger in the eyes of my family members. I was sick all the time. I was depressed, anxious, nearly suicidal. I hated myself with a passion. Despite all of that, I continued, because I didn't know how to stop, and I was so afraid of what life would look like on the other side. I had zero idea how to "be sober." How would I socialize? ALL of my friends drank. That's what we did. We got together and drank. Would I spend the rest of my life alone at home while other people were out having fun?

I had to get to the point where I was more afraid of not quitting than I was of quitting. And I knew I needed help. I went to outpatient treatment. I started going to AA. I posted and read here. I read all kinds of books on alcoholism and recovery.

About 4.5 years later, here I am, enjoying my life more than I ever thought was possible. I have peace. I am free. I like myself again. My family and friends trust me again. You can have all that, too. Go for it.

Rd2quit

The best advice I ever received here is "motivation is the most important factor for a successful recovery." Alcohol cannot magically get in my system. As long as I don't intentionally drink alcohol I will be fine. It was rough for a while but it is getting much easier. I'm actually typing this on my phone while on a trip for a wedding. There will be an open bar, and other events that have alcohol. I'm not worried, I know I won't drink.