Alexa1212

Hi all,
Mum drank for 30 years, quit for the last 10 or so by herself and now has returned to it as her abdominal cancer is terminal.
i have been told it's the end and I should not rock the boat and haven't directly. I spoke to my Dad saying alcohol is a diuretic and it worsens her condition.
I live far from her. Saw her recently to bid goodbye but seeing her on Skype gulping wine and not eating makes me very troubled.
How to deal with this?
Thanx

velma929

You know what? I wonder if she's just trying to end it all sooner.

She's been given the diagnosis that it's terminal. Alcohol is a depressant, and I would think drinking would make that thought worse, but you have no control over this. I'm so sorry.

You and your Dad and Mom are in my prayers.

Eauchiche

Dear Alexa
I am SO sorry you and your family are going through this. I can only imagine the emotional impact this has. Not only have you received bad news about your Mom's prognosis, her drinking again triggers, no doubt, memories of her previous abuse.

I am afraid there is nothing you can do but go places for your own emotional support. I hope we can do part of that for you here.

Prayers for you and your family today!!!

Alexa1212

That makes sense somehow.

Alexa1212

Hi, this is my place at present. Working and my partner thinks it's my issue so this is my outlet, thnx for the prayers.

Mango212

Hi Alexa,

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.

It makes no sense at all -- cancer, alcoholism or relapsing. This family disease of alcoholism affects us in ways beyond other diseases. Now here is cancer in with it being a 'reason' to drink. Alcoholics drink because the sky is blue, or grey. Because the day is good, or bad. Because of any reason, and none. All it takes to relapse is a drink.

I'm sorry you're going through this, that your Mum has relapsed and has terminal cancer.

How are you overall? Being able to feel our emotions and allow healthy outlets for expressing them -- in relationships, maybe physically in the gym or by time in nature, etc. is important.

Mango212

Flowers, for you. ((((hugs))))

It's okay to feel joy, life connections and the good in life, especially during times of pain. May you have moments and people in your life that add to the goodness of this day. Allowing recognition of life itself, and the many very normal emotions we have in this. To risk being human. Even as others may choose to mentally and emotionally check out, we can choose to embrace life.

joey8262

sounds like she's on self-destruct the poor woman, as you know, alcohol will magnify things for her until they're too much to bear-is there nobody that can sort of monitor her for you ? carer or family friend etc. ?

I don't know where you're basedbut in the UK we have the likes of Mcmillan nurses, marie curie, and cancer UK etc. for support and in some cases end-of -life care.

maybe you could try to look into that-and find out who's getting her supplies (beer etc.) and ration them if need be-don't stop them altogether as you know-that ain't good.......but every little bit helps-mae sure she's got adequate pain relief as well if it's needed.

Good luck and again, my heart goes out to you.

Alexa1212

Thank you. Gym or exercise is a good idea indeed and my partner, dogs and cats keep me sane.

Alexa1212

Thank you for the lovely flowers.

Alexa1212

Thanks. At present she is ignoring outside help. My Dad is the co-dependent.

joey8262

it's a no-win situation isn't it-your dad probably thinks he's doing the best whilst you know otherwise. . . . . . .he shouldn't be indulging her but can you say you wouldn't in his situation ? it's horrible that in the 21st century in the west there's (apparently) no cure.

forgive the wording but I wouldn't be in that position for all the beer in bavaria

Mango212

It's absolutely okay to not watch chaos and self-destruction. (((hugs)))

We get to choose how we deal with difficult people, and what we fill the rest of our lives with. Goodness, peace, fun, healthy activities and foods.

Trust your healthy instincts on how it's best for you, one day at a time. Reaching out one time doesn't mean we do that all the time. A card might be more appropriate, or simply not contacting at times.

Your health --- mental, emotional and physical, all tied together --- is what you're responsible for. No more, no less. You are important.

AnvilheadII

i am very sorry for your mom's diagnosis. i am sure that alone is more than anyone is truly equipped to deal with.

while i would never condone drinking for a recovering alcoholic ever, it's hard to say how any one of us would deal with a terminal diagnosis. and i personally would be hard pressed to condemn anyone's choices as a result or response. probably best to try to set aside judgement on her choices and convey kind, loving words and moments. for your mom AND your dad. i don't think he should be faulted now for making things bearable and trying to get through it all. he is going to need a lot of support in the days/weeks to come. try not to guilt or shame him for doing the best he can.

Alexa1212

i am not shaming him. I am just sad the sober mum I have had is now gone, replaced by the usual drunken slob I once had.

Alexa1212

we are all important. You very right.

Sasha1972

I don't think that terminal illness gives you a "pass" on bad behavior, but ...

If she's drinking to numb the pain, maybe that's okay. It hurts to watch, but it's her choice as to how she's going to spend her last weeks? months? I think that not rocking the boat is good advice.

Is part of your pain the disappointment that in her last days she gave up on sobriety? That the recovery you saw in the last few years is not going to be permanent?

FeelingGreat

Alexa, I would be upset not to have a meaningful relationship with my mother when she was dying, because she was drunk all the time. All I can suggest is that you time your Skyping for before she starts, and avoid the afternoon. That is, if she has sober time in the morning.

Her decision is all to understandable, because she's probably been wanting to drink for her whole sober period, but had other reasons not to. I hope once she gets over the shock she'll try sobriety again, even if just for short periods.

Mango212

"relationships affect us physically. Learning to establish better priorities to care for ourselves --- and allowing us to care for ourselves --- is vitally important."

In nurturing ourselves, we have greater capabilities of growth, love and friendships.

Clarifying where I come from with this: my experience has been there is nothing I can do to help my inebriated loved one feel better. My 'drug of choice' used to be doing things for others in a way that I felt better about myself. Simply a part of the dysfunction I was caught up in and taking part in.

We each have different paths on our healing journeys. No wrong one.

Alexa1212

it is an immense disappoointment. I enjoyed her being sober and making intelligent conversation