Spoke to my mom today
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Spoke to my mom today
It was 67 years since her mother passed. We talked about that for while, because I never knew my grandma. Then my mom started to talk about 67 - 68 years ago. She told me that my father raped her before they were married. She told me that she never told anyone that before.
I said, something like at that time it might not have been prosecutable, , and she told me that, yes what he did to her would have been.
She married him 6 month later because her mother was dying. She told me that she knew he was cheating, but didn't know he was an alcoholic till 2 years later.
She stayed because that's what you did.
I think my mom told me this and not my other 2 sisters for a specific reason.
I don't know how to deal with this, mainly because some of my cousins have asked me if my dad touched me in the wrong way, I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything at all.
amy
I said, something like at that time it might not have been prosecutable, , and she told me that, yes what he did to her would have been.
She married him 6 month later because her mother was dying. She told me that she knew he was cheating, but didn't know he was an alcoholic till 2 years later.
She stayed because that's what you did.
I think my mom told me this and not my other 2 sisters for a specific reason.
I don't know how to deal with this, mainly because some of my cousins have asked me if my dad touched me in the wrong way, I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything at all.
amy
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Amy, you must be absolutely reeling from this news. I don't know what to say at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
Is there somebody you can tell IRL about this? Does your mom expect you to keep this to yourself (which, IMHO, is an unrealistic expectation)?
Is there somebody you can tell IRL about this? Does your mom expect you to keep this to yourself (which, IMHO, is an unrealistic expectation)?
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amy…..I can imagine how stunned you are...just like PuzzledHeart said....
You might take a day or two to let it "sink in"......while your head is still spinning....
Your mother must have trusted you to share something this personal with you, I imagine....
As my mother got older (90s)….we talked a lot on the phone...and she "unloaded" a lot of the family "secrets".....nothing quite as stunning as what you just heard, but, secrets, just the same. Like things that she had held inside...and wanted to unburden herself from.....She told me how thankful she was that she could talk to me...without any judgement....
She didn't do this with my other 2 sisters, either....
You might want to talk with someone about this, as you gather your bearings....which, I think, might be a good idea...…
You know that you can vent here, as much as you need to....
You might take a day or two to let it "sink in"......while your head is still spinning....
Your mother must have trusted you to share something this personal with you, I imagine....
As my mother got older (90s)….we talked a lot on the phone...and she "unloaded" a lot of the family "secrets".....nothing quite as stunning as what you just heard, but, secrets, just the same. Like things that she had held inside...and wanted to unburden herself from.....She told me how thankful she was that she could talk to me...without any judgement....
She didn't do this with my other 2 sisters, either....
You might want to talk with someone about this, as you gather your bearings....which, I think, might be a good idea...…
You know that you can vent here, as much as you need to....
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Originally Posted by amy55 
I think my mom told me this and not my other 2 sisters for a specific reason.
I don't know how to deal with this, mainly because some of my cousins have asked me if my dad touched me in the wrong way,
amy
If she didn't talk to your sisters, how come your cousins ask this question. Have your Aunts been talking?
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I really don't know how to feel about this. It brings back a lot of recollections for me. I don't know if I want to go there.
I think in one of my prior post that I said my father raped me, I'm not sure. I don't actually know if that happened. I was told so many things, and I guess my mind can sometimes manufacture things, but sometimes they are real.
I can't confide this with my sisters. They will think that I am trying to explain away why I was always the black sheep in the family.
My mother is 87, I think she wanted to tell me that so that I would know. My father never touched my other siblings, he didn't like them. One was a mistake and one wasn't wanted. I need to do some research as to the dates of the rape and the birth of my oldest sister. I really don't feel like it though. My sister is my sister, and I love her.
Guess my head is just really in a headspin right now. I need to talk to my mom some more.
Why she would tell me this and not the other two? I thought about that lots through the years. My mom always watched over the younger one and the older one. They weren't getting affection from dad. Only I was. (makes me really sick now). I really don't remember anything. I just remember being my dads son. I also remember some touching, I just don't know.
D@MN, my mother would not have told me this without having a reason to tell me this. I always knew there was something strange in how my dad treated me.
I'll just treat this like everything else, it's in the past and you already moved on.
amy
I think in one of my prior post that I said my father raped me, I'm not sure. I don't actually know if that happened. I was told so many things, and I guess my mind can sometimes manufacture things, but sometimes they are real.
I can't confide this with my sisters. They will think that I am trying to explain away why I was always the black sheep in the family.
My mother is 87, I think she wanted to tell me that so that I would know. My father never touched my other siblings, he didn't like them. One was a mistake and one wasn't wanted. I need to do some research as to the dates of the rape and the birth of my oldest sister. I really don't feel like it though. My sister is my sister, and I love her.
Guess my head is just really in a headspin right now. I need to talk to my mom some more.
Why she would tell me this and not the other two? I thought about that lots through the years. My mom always watched over the younger one and the older one. They weren't getting affection from dad. Only I was. (makes me really sick now). I really don't remember anything. I just remember being my dads son. I also remember some touching, I just don't know.
D@MN, my mother would not have told me this without having a reason to tell me this. I always knew there was something strange in how my dad treated me.
I'll just treat this like everything else, it's in the past and you already moved on.
amy
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I don't know, how do you feel about something you totally dismissed into something that might have actually happened, Something that you blacked out but sometimes surfaces? My mind is just effed tonight. Sorry....
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I guess whats really weird is that I have memories that come and go. I have memories of being in bed and some big man coming into my room and hurting me.
I don't know if that was real or not. I don't know anything. I can't live in the past, I've been doing so well going forward.
I don't know if that was real or not. I don't know anything. I can't live in the past, I've been doing so well going forward.
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Hi Amy, don't apologize please, that's a lot to take in. Even as an adult, even though it happened so many years ago, it's still a shock and I imagine it will take some time to really sink in and almost kind of review how you viewed your Father and your Father and Mother's relationship etc, it changes the story.
How you feel is however you feel. If you have memories that you aren't sure of, was it a nightmare, did it really happen, was it just the way he made you feel but nothing ever happened? If something did in fact happen maybe that is just too traumatic to uncover right now.
Do you have a therapist at all or one that you have talked to in the past? While you may not even want to dredge up the past, they may be able to give you tools to help find comfort and to be able to deal with some of these recurring thoughts? Although, if you are comfortable with the way you have dealt with them up until now, perhaps just a few days to let things settle will be enough?
How you feel is however you feel. If you have memories that you aren't sure of, was it a nightmare, did it really happen, was it just the way he made you feel but nothing ever happened? If something did in fact happen maybe that is just too traumatic to uncover right now.
Do you have a therapist at all or one that you have talked to in the past? While you may not even want to dredge up the past, they may be able to give you tools to help find comfort and to be able to deal with some of these recurring thoughts? Although, if you are comfortable with the way you have dealt with them up until now, perhaps just a few days to let things settle will be enough?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Amy, don't apologize please, that's a lot to take in. Even as an adult, even though it happened so many years ago, it's still a shock and I imagine it will take some time to really sink in and almost kind of review how you viewed your Father and your Father and Mother's relationship etc, it changes the story.
How you feel is however you feel. If you have memories that you aren't sure of, was it a nightmare, did it really happen, was it just the way he made you feel but nothing ever happened? If something did in fact happen maybe that is just too traumatic to uncover right now.
Do you have a therapist at all or one that you have talked to in the past? While you may not even want to dredge up the past, they may be able to give you tools to help find comfort and to be able to deal with some of these recurring thoughts? Although, if you are comfortable with the way you have dealt with them up until now, perhaps just a few days to let things settle will be enough?
How you feel is however you feel. If you have memories that you aren't sure of, was it a nightmare, did it really happen, was it just the way he made you feel but nothing ever happened? If something did in fact happen maybe that is just too traumatic to uncover right now.
Do you have a therapist at all or one that you have talked to in the past? While you may not even want to dredge up the past, they may be able to give you tools to help find comfort and to be able to deal with some of these recurring thoughts? Although, if you are comfortable with the way you have dealt with them up until now, perhaps just a few days to let things settle will be enough?
Therapist -- SR is my therapist . Whenever I feel wacked out I come here. my dad, whatever he did or didn't do, he's dead. He died from alcoholism.
I'm good with the info I received, I guess it answered many questions that I had.
Will I share this with my sibs, the answer is "no". I'll respect my mom's wishes, she told me this for a reason, and I will use that info to better myself.
It's amazing, you can be really upset about something, and when you talk about things, it makes things better, or easier to handle.
Thank you
((((((((hugs)))))))
amy
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I'm sorry Amy that you have to go through
this awful thing. One thing I know from reading
your post and shares through the yrs is that
you are a strong woman.
Your strength will get you pass this bump
in the road and you will rise above it for sure.
If you dont mind me asking this, where is
you dad today? Is he your biological or step
father?
We are here for you always Amy. {hugs**
this awful thing. One thing I know from reading
your post and shares through the yrs is that
you are a strong woman.
Your strength will get you pass this bump
in the road and you will rise above it for sure.
If you dont mind me asking this, where is
you dad today? Is he your biological or step
father?
We are here for you always Amy. {hugs**
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Originally Posted by aasharon90
where is
you dad today? Is he your biological or step
father?
you dad today? Is he your biological or step
father?
Originally Posted by amy55
my dad, whatever he did or didn't do, he's dead. He died from alcoholism.
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Posts: 330
So sorry you are experiencing this Amy...yes time to process... It is strange how the mind works...memories real or imagined...ultimately it comes down to accepting that memory either way....very difficult.... Thinking of you x
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My heart hurts for you.
Whatever he did, he's gone now.
I'm on several forums for widows and widowers, and similar situations come up from time to time. I recall one forum member who had to go through boxes her husband left behind. She found porn, evidence of affairs and souvenirs of those encounters. And she had to go through them, since his banking and investment information was there, too.
It is profoundly sad your mother felt she could turn to no one at the time. I suspect she told the child she felt had the most emotional reserves to deal with the information, because she had to tell *someone*.
You're right about "that's what people did."
I'm so sorry.
Whatever he did, he's gone now.
I'm on several forums for widows and widowers, and similar situations come up from time to time. I recall one forum member who had to go through boxes her husband left behind. She found porn, evidence of affairs and souvenirs of those encounters. And she had to go through them, since his banking and investment information was there, too.
It is profoundly sad your mother felt she could turn to no one at the time. I suspect she told the child she felt had the most emotional reserves to deal with the information, because she had to tell *someone*.
You're right about "that's what people did."
I'm so sorry.
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I just needed to let some more of my thoughts out today. I am dealing with things better today, I think yesterday I was just in shock.
When I mentioned my cousins yesterday, I remember one specific phone call I had with one of them. It was about 3 years ago. She did come right out and ask me if my father ever touched me inappropriately. Then she told me what happened to her. She lived 2 doors away from me, and she came over to see if I wanted to go out and play. I wasn't home. My father was home by himself. My cousin told me that he came on to her. My cousin told me that she got out of there as fast as she could, and she went home and told her mother what happened. Her mother told her that my dad was depressed(drunk), and that my cousin took things the wrong way, and that she just misunderstood. Her mother then went onto explain how much stress my dad was under, completely invalidating her daughter.
I had reconnected with another of my cousins a few years back, I guess about 4 years ago. We always got along, she is about 10 years older than me, but we only saw each other at family events. I started calling her just to stay in touch, we now speak about every 2 months. One of the first questions she asked me when we reconnected was "How were you with your father? Were things OK there?" I didn't press her about anything, and why she would ask that.
I was getting flashbacks for many years (decades) prior to talking to these 2 cousins, I think these conversations just reinforced in me that something might have happened and that perhaps I wasn't crazy, or making things up in my mind.
In my mind I have already dealt with this. I'm never going to know the truth. I always knew that my flashbacks could be real, but I dealt with it by thinking that my father treated me as his son, so that couldn't have happened, but I still knew that if it didn't happen, why would I get these flashbacks?
I've worked on myself a lot, mostly with the help from SR. I like the person that I am now, and whatever things did (or didn't)happen to me in my life made me look outside the boxes and more able to see people for who they are and for the struggles they go through.
I was at the hospital when my dad died in 1980. I was with my mother, we spent the night at the hospital. He died from cirrhosis of the liver. I was never able to understand how after my father died, and I was driving home from the hospital, that my mom told me that we needed to go to the bank first. She told me that banks read the obits and they freeze the bank accounts, so she needed to withdraw money. I thought at the time that was very cold and somewhat odd. I can understand it more today. My mom told me yesterday that she never loved my dad, that she only got married so that her mother would see her married before she died. My mother got married in Feb, her mother passed away from cancer in May that year. She was 19. She got married so that her mother would think that she would be taken care of and not alone.
My mother also told me on the day that my father died, that I was the strong one in the family, the one that could handle things, and she put me in charge of making the phone calls about my fathers death, while she took my sisters to the funeral home to make the arrangements.
I want to thank everyone here that has read this or replied. I guess all my skeletons are now out of the closet, and I will never really know if my flashbacks are true or not, but what I do know is that I've worked on myself and I can finally say that "I like me".
Oh, and other then SR, I do have a very close friend that I can talk about these things to. I deal with things by talking about things, by putting a picture of reality there, so I will be OK. There is no need to tell my siblings anything. My mother did imply that I was the only one that she would tell this to, and I will respect that.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
When I mentioned my cousins yesterday, I remember one specific phone call I had with one of them. It was about 3 years ago. She did come right out and ask me if my father ever touched me inappropriately. Then she told me what happened to her. She lived 2 doors away from me, and she came over to see if I wanted to go out and play. I wasn't home. My father was home by himself. My cousin told me that he came on to her. My cousin told me that she got out of there as fast as she could, and she went home and told her mother what happened. Her mother told her that my dad was depressed(drunk), and that my cousin took things the wrong way, and that she just misunderstood. Her mother then went onto explain how much stress my dad was under, completely invalidating her daughter.
I had reconnected with another of my cousins a few years back, I guess about 4 years ago. We always got along, she is about 10 years older than me, but we only saw each other at family events. I started calling her just to stay in touch, we now speak about every 2 months. One of the first questions she asked me when we reconnected was "How were you with your father? Were things OK there?" I didn't press her about anything, and why she would ask that.
I was getting flashbacks for many years (decades) prior to talking to these 2 cousins, I think these conversations just reinforced in me that something might have happened and that perhaps I wasn't crazy, or making things up in my mind.
In my mind I have already dealt with this. I'm never going to know the truth. I always knew that my flashbacks could be real, but I dealt with it by thinking that my father treated me as his son, so that couldn't have happened, but I still knew that if it didn't happen, why would I get these flashbacks?
I've worked on myself a lot, mostly with the help from SR. I like the person that I am now, and whatever things did (or didn't)happen to me in my life made me look outside the boxes and more able to see people for who they are and for the struggles they go through.
I was at the hospital when my dad died in 1980. I was with my mother, we spent the night at the hospital. He died from cirrhosis of the liver. I was never able to understand how after my father died, and I was driving home from the hospital, that my mom told me that we needed to go to the bank first. She told me that banks read the obits and they freeze the bank accounts, so she needed to withdraw money. I thought at the time that was very cold and somewhat odd. I can understand it more today. My mom told me yesterday that she never loved my dad, that she only got married so that her mother would see her married before she died. My mother got married in Feb, her mother passed away from cancer in May that year. She was 19. She got married so that her mother would think that she would be taken care of and not alone.
My mother also told me on the day that my father died, that I was the strong one in the family, the one that could handle things, and she put me in charge of making the phone calls about my fathers death, while she took my sisters to the funeral home to make the arrangements.
I want to thank everyone here that has read this or replied. I guess all my skeletons are now out of the closet, and I will never really know if my flashbacks are true or not, but what I do know is that I've worked on myself and I can finally say that "I like me".
Oh, and other then SR, I do have a very close friend that I can talk about these things to. I deal with things by talking about things, by putting a picture of reality there, so I will be OK. There is no need to tell my siblings anything. My mother did imply that I was the only one that she would tell this to, and I will respect that.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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I was thinking more about this today. I kinda know that if you heard something like I heard that this may validate the flashbacks. To me, it doesn't.
I do know that the relationship my father had with me was inappropriate. I also know that when I was 12 or 13 my male cousin tried to rape me. I wrote about that here in a topic about the "Me Too" movement. I started getting the flashbacks when I was in my 20's. In my mind I could have put together my fathers inappropriate behavior to me together with my male cousin. That one I do remember happened. I remember it so clearly as if it happened today.
I'm never going to know the truth. I can deal with that. When my mom told me last night that he raped her, it just brought all of these things to the surface again. I do know that my dad acted inappropriately with me, I do know my cousin tried to rape me, I just don't know if both happened or if I just conjured up my dad's face in my flashbacks. My mom telling me that, just made everything seem more real.
Well, no more thinking for me today.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I do know that the relationship my father had with me was inappropriate. I also know that when I was 12 or 13 my male cousin tried to rape me. I wrote about that here in a topic about the "Me Too" movement. I started getting the flashbacks when I was in my 20's. In my mind I could have put together my fathers inappropriate behavior to me together with my male cousin. That one I do remember happened. I remember it so clearly as if it happened today.
I'm never going to know the truth. I can deal with that. When my mom told me last night that he raped her, it just brought all of these things to the surface again. I do know that my dad acted inappropriately with me, I do know my cousin tried to rape me, I just don't know if both happened or if I just conjured up my dad's face in my flashbacks. My mom telling me that, just made everything seem more real.
Well, no more thinking for me today.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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