Fjordline

I did do a search first but didn't come across a similar thread, if there is one already please send me the link

Has anyone ever dated someone who was in recovery?

A few weeks back i met this guy – we have quite a lot of common friends and share the same hobby, so he ended up messaging me on Instagram. After texting for just two days he asked me out for coffee.

I was a bit hesitant, i am generally a bit shy and not good with meeting new people but my friends pushed me to go – it was just coffee after all.
It was great! Conversation was flowing we have so much in common. He made me feel great from the very first beginning. Needless to say we decided to see each other again and went for dinner just a few days later.

He didn’t swipe me off my feed immediately but over the next few dates i started to fall hard. He is the most caring guy i have ever met, a true gentleman and i can be 100% myself. No awkwardness no playing around.
On our third date he cooked for me and we watched a movie, cuddled up and kissed. Shortly after i met some of his close friends and again i fitted right in.

We are both very honest with each other and we talk a lot. About everything. Our past relationships, Family issues all of that. And it is so easy.

Very early on he told me that he doesn’t drink. He told me he used to drink a lot and first i didn’t click what that actually means. As we continued talking i he told me that he is an alcoholic in recovery and has only been 7month sober.

I was shocked and did a lot of research to make myself more familiar with this his condition. I like this guy i really do. He makes me feel like a million bucks.

I struggle with the 7 month though. It is recommended that during early stages of recovery one should not date for at least one year. Can we pull this off?

We spoke about it and he told me that at this stage his recovery has absolute priority. Which i 100% support. As long as he communicates with me i am backing off if he needs the space or goes for meetings etc.

I am not there to tell him what to do but i support him every step on the way. But will this be enough?

Am i to selfish right now? sometimes i wonder if i should not walk away to give him the chance to recover for at least a year before we continue to deepen our relationship. But it is so hard. I enjoy our time way to much. But i don’t want to distract him. If he relapses he will loose me and so much more….

I just wonder if we cannot manage both – with me stepping back a bit and taking it slow so he can focus on recovery and still see me?


For your information - as far as i can see he takes his recovery serious, goes to 2 AA meetings a week, does his 12 step program, sees his sponsor and all of that.
I have no reason not to trust him that he is serious about this. I have stayed over at his place and he has been at mine and never did i feel that he is lying to me.


I didn't know anything about alcohol or drug abuse before i met him and would appreciate suggestions and help!

Fjordline

Oups i obviously searched incorrectly ha ha - founds a lot of similar threads.

But can't delete this one?

FeelingGreat

Fjordline, I'm sure it will be great for both of you as long as he never relapses. Some A's stop drinking and that's it. Others may go for a long period, years, and then, for some reason, relapse. You'll see a few examples of this if you search around the threads.

So yes, there is a risk in getting serious about this guy, but I get the feeling that's a risk you're willing to take.

If I was to make one comment, it would be not to 'help' him in his recovery, in fact stay well away from it. Apart from not flaunting alcohol in his face, there's not much more you can do because when you think you're helping you risk taking his power away, or even taking a stake in his success.

Have a good read around the forums; they will be very educational. Best of luck.

FallenAngelina

The one-year mark is a suggestion (as is everything in AA and AlAnon) not a rule, so no need to artificially put things on hold. I encourage you to continue to take things slowly - and as FeelingGreat said, don't try to help. All that's necessary to support is your presence, perhaps some more education and your love. Focus on your life and how all of this feels for you - don't make his alcoholism the center of the relationship.

I know many alcoholics in recovery and some are only a few months in, like your new friend. Alcoholics who are committed to their recovery can make wonderful partners - I think sometimes even better than "civilians" because recovering alcoholics have to constantly introspect in a way that others do not.

atalose

The bigger question to ask yourself is, if he relapses how much of yourself will you lose?

I think alcoholics/addicts in recovery are some of the strongest, most honest, most courageous people on earth. It’s these very qualities that attract us to them and make us fall hard and fast in love. Sadly if a relapse does happen they turn into someone we don’t even know. We then spend all our time, effort and energy trying to get that initial person we fell in love with back. We lose ourselves in that process because the person standing before us emotionally drains us of a million bucks. I don’t think anyone can fully prepare themselves for suddenly being with a stranger who may steal from them, lie to them, manipulate them, cheat on them. But falling in love always comes with risks doesn’t it.

Educate yourself on alcoholism/addiction, read around on SR. Sadly there are more stories about relapse then there are happily ever after endings. Take things very slow.

The one thing you said stood out to me……….

He makes me feel like a million bucks.

In my opinion you should feel like a million bucks already about yourself, without someone else making you feel that.

Fjordline

atalose

EXCELLENT!!! You sound like you are in a good place.

Maybe in this getting to know him phase you might want to find out, how long was he drinking prior to becoming sober for 7 months. Was it 2 years, 10 years, since he was a teen, that relationship of his with alcohol plays a big part. You might also want to discover how many prior attempts at sobriety has he had? Has he spent any time in rehabs? What about his other relationship history? Did alcohol ruin a marriage?

AnvilheadII

always keep in mind that HIS being in recovery is not something you need to DO anything about. educate yourself yes, but there is no involvement required on your part - especially with someone you've only know for a few weeks!

treat his recovery the same as if he played guitar, was a triathlete or had hammertoe. you wouldn't need to take up the tambourine, start running 40 miles a day or enroll in podiatry. those would be HIS things.

take it slow, see how things go. remain fiercely unobligated.

August252015

I see a lot of red flags and a lot of possible stress ahead, to say the least. One thing you said possibly sums it up: "Can we pull this off?"

There are so many reasons to be cautious or avoid a relationship in early sobriety, whether it's 2 alcoholics, one or whatever.

For me, it was never a question of "pulling something off" with my now husband. We started dating when he was a month sober and I was 4 1/2. Everything we did and built was the foundation for the rest of our lives. Romantic butterflies and all that at first, but that was coupled with just as much planning for the long term success of our relationship. My program had to come first for me; his, as he began to develop one; then our work together. Much more to all this but anything that puts add feelings of added risk on top of already challenging conditions like early sobriety....not a good idea, in my opinion.

I'd definitely suggest that you learn as much as you can about alcoholism and if you want to have a relationship with this person then go to Al Anon. Never to early for that stuff if there's an alcoholic/addict in the relationship dynamic.

Good luck.

dandylion

H, fjordi. I agree with all that has been said, so far.....
Do keep reading and learning....and, I think that going to alanon would be a good move.....there would be nothing to lose by doing so....

You are in luck---because we have a large library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....the best collection of it's kind that you will find, anywhere...
It is under the stickies at the top of the main page.....
I am giving you the following link, for your convenience. There are over 100 excellent articles!!
Knowledge is power..

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Fjordline

Does it matter if someone has been drinking heavily for 2 or 10 years? I am asking because i don't see much of a difference besides the obvious time frame?!

Alcohol never ruined a marriage or a relationship as far as i know. He has never been married. He used to drink alone at this place in the evenings.... He went to rehabs and the first time he tried to stop drinking was in 2011. He has been drinking since he was a Teenager, not always that much though.

This (7 month) is the longest he has been sober and he told me that it feels different this time around because he simply doesn't want a drink or feels the need to pick up a drink. At the same time he also stopped smoking and hasn't touched a cigarette either.


I ask him a LOT of questions - and i keep continue to ask if something pops up.
And yes we will take things VERY slow. None of us is in a rush. Since he approached me i asked him why he didn't wait the recommend first year as his sponsor also suggested this but he said it happened and he didn't plan much further than having coffee.

Thanks everyone for the feedback - appreciate it a lot! This page is awesome and i already learned a lot.

trailmix

Hi Fjordline and welcome!

I'm glad you feel like a million bucks all on your own!

I quoted part of your post above because as I was reading it these things kind of stood out.

As Anvil mentioned, this is his recovery and there isn't really anything for you to do. As soon as you start stepping in to the "helping" role, that's actually a problem.

Sometimes you wonder if you should walk away .... taking it slow so he can focus on his recovery etc

Both those things are red flags - not from his side, from yours. You are thinking about making decisions based on what you have decided is best for HIM.

I really hope things go well for you and hope you keep posting!

Fjordline

Good Morning Trailmix (well it's morning my side of the world), thanks so much - i honestly didn't see it like that but it makes sense. It has been a bit overwhelming and it has been a lot to take in. But i totally get it that this is his recovery and not mine or ours.

trailmix

Good morning and you are welcome!

Yes, I mean pondering how slow you would like to take it from your viewpoint is a really healthy way to look at it I think, just no need to worry about him.

It is a lot to take in and a lot to consider, I'm glad you are in no rush and will just see how it goes.

atalose

I personally think it does. I think the longer someone grows accustomed to a bad habit, a coping tool, the harder it is to change that habit.

You have to remember that history doesn’t repeat itself – people repeat history.

And in his history he has tried rehab(s) and continued to drink, he tried quitting 8 years ago and continued to drink. 7 months of sobriety after a long drinking history is really not a lot of time but a start.

He has a long term relationship with alcoholism, often it’s a pathological relationship in which…..obsession replaces people. That relationship in one way or another will always come first, can you accept that?

As mentioned above, if you were to walk away, take this very slow so he can focus on his recovery, is there any fear on your part that if you ended it, slowed it down too much that somehow your decision would affect his sobriety?

MindfulMan

My own experience as an addict was that I quit when my life showed me that there was no other alternative. I'd drank for years without ever thinking that I had a problem, once I did I stopped...but it took 17 years to get to that realization. It was a progressive disease, I didn't binge drink consistently until grad school in my early 30s and truly addictive drinking around my 40th birthday.

If you'd hit me around either of those times I would have been extremely damaging to try and have a relationship, despite not having a years-long history of attempted recovery and relapse.

I think that length of time using and history of failed attempts at sobriety are one data point, but it could be many things. Perhaps the addict is truly sick and tired of their life and is ready for a change. Or they could be relatively new to addiction yet have years of hurt and heartache in front of them. It's certainly useful information, but there are many other considerations as well.

I see the same red flags that August pointed out above. Proceed with caution.

Fjordline

Hi Atalose,

no i don't have a reason to believe or fear that my decision would affect his sobriety.

We are both well aware that this is not ideal and we speak a lot about it.

We both know that we like each other a lot and that we enjoy spending time together and we want to see if something develops form there but his recovery needs to come first.

As we go on i learn / pick up a lot. He tries to be as open and honest about everything as he can. I know it is not always easy for him but i can see he really tries.

The biggest thing i picked up so far is that we can have amazing days and the very next day things are not so good. It is confusing but again he tries to explain to me why he feels down, needs time for himself, a extra meeting or whatever the case might be.

He is going to see his Sponsor in about 10min lol. They are going to chat about him and me and i must say i am a bit nervous.
I know his sponsor is not entirely happy about me being in the picture and i don't blame him at all. He is protective and has my boyfriends best interest in mind but at the same time i hope he will rather help us instead of telling him to end things. But lets see how it goes.

FallenAngelina

Sponsors aren't gurus, but simply trusted advisors. No sponsor worth his sponsorship is going to tell his sponsee to do anything. A huge part of the sponsor-sponsee relationship (in both AlAnon and AA) is developing the sponsee's ability to find his own way, follow his own inner guidance and trust his own feelings. A good sponsor will serve to foster your BF's connection with his own inner wisdom, not superimpose whatever the sponsor thinks your BF should do. A sponsor is there to listen and perhaps offer the benefit of his own experience. All of us have lifetimes of reacting to the opinions of others - that's how we got to be codependent and substance dependent in the first place. A sponsor's role is not to be yet one more member of the peanut gallery, but instead to help guide us toward the wisdom of our own inner voice.

August252015

Hi fjord....please take what I am about to say as gently as possible.

What I highlighted? Hugely common in early sobriety and a huge- HUGE- red flag. Based on this alone, he's not in a consistent place to take care of someone else's feelings.

AND. Much more importantly: if he relapses, this is only going to get worse. It can get to terrifying lengths that would indeed be "hard to understand" for you, to say the least.

I will close by saying that you are speaking here as "we" an awful lot. That makes sense in a way, because when any of us comes here we are sharing a story, and this one has two people in it. I would strongly caution you that I hear you speaking for both of you- and if there is ever a person's mind that is incredibly difficult to judge or "speak on behalf of" it is a newly sober person's. And that's even more true when it's a non-alcoholic using that we.

It might sound counter-intuitive as you are clearly seeking a way to have a relationship with this man - but focusing on YOU is what I would strongly urge.

And lastly- if he indeed has a good sponsor who works a solid program, that person is probably someone wise you should listen to - note: you have no place contacting the sponsor, so what you receive will be third had info. However, call it the 'gist' of what you'll get and really, truly paying attention is some of the best advice I can give you. Because even here at my 3 yr 3 mo and 6 days, I've seen enough good and bad to know where to make suggestions about relationships to my sponsees, whether it's what she or by extension her love interest want to hear or do.

Fjordline

Thank you!
This helped a lot to understand a bit more about the role of a sponsor.

Like i said i am learning every day and lots of things i am posting might sound naïve or not put correctly but i learn as i go.