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Here we go again

Old 05-21-2019, 08:04 AM
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Here we go again

Hi everyone. I've spent the past couple days reading these forums and have found it helpful, inspiring and sometimes a little sad. The threads that start with something like, "This time I'm quitting for good!" then the person makes two more posts and disappears are particularly heartbreaking because I know a lot of those people went right back out. I hope this post doesn't end up like that.

Anyway, here's where I am:

Unlike a lot of people who end up in the hopeless mire that is alcoholism, I've always known what I am. Everyone in my family is an alcoholic. Why would I be any different? I've been through periods of sobriety - five years here, a year there - and somehow always end up drinking again. The last five years have been particularly stupid.

Because I know that I am an alcoholic in the sense that I have no control once I pick up a drink, I've been careful to "moderate" it, making a point of not drinking every day or even most days. Even on the days when I drank, I tried to keep it under, say 5 units, maybe more on "special occasions" (which become more and more frequent over a few years of this self delusion).

You know how it goes. Two days a week becomes three days a week becomes four days a week. Five beers becomes ten. So many occasions become "special!"

The past year or so, I've sincerely wanted to quit and have strung together a dry week or two here and there. I don't understand why I pick up again. There's never a specific trigger. I just start "playing the tape," and hit the pause button at the fun part, the hour or two of jovial conversation, forgetting the hour or two of sloppy drunkenness after that and the next day of regret and hangover.

I know where this disease leads, and I don't want to go there. I need to quit for good. It's easy for me to stop because the physical addiction has been kept a bay, but I need something to keep me from picking up that first drink.

It works for a lot of people, but I can say honestly that AA doesn't work for me. The last time I drank, three days ago, I went to the bar right after a meeting after five days on the wagon. Same as it ever was, there's just a point where, "I'm nowhere near as bad as those people." I know that's my addiction tricking me, but it gets me every time even after months of working the steps. That voice kicks in and says, "Yeah, that doesn't resonate with me at all. This is bull."

The longest I ever went was five years all on my own. I just told myself over and over again, "I don't drink" until it became true. Those were five happy years and the only five years of my adult life that I remember clearly. That was in my late 20s. In my 30s I went the AA route a few times and it never stuck. Now I'm in my 40s, and I hope I can outgrow it once and for all because I don't want to be old and sick or dead before I get the chance to be old.

About my user name: Like a lot of us, I am a different person when drunk, and I don't like the drunk guy. A lot of people do like him, but the people who know him best don't like him at all. Reminding myself that I'm not that guy will be key for me in recovery should I succeed.

Anyway, I hope I will keep coming back here and reading the inspiring stories from those of you who have been sober for a long time.

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Old 05-21-2019, 08:20 AM
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Welcome to SR. I hope we can help you on your recovery journey.

Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy View Post
I know where this disease leads, and I don't want to go there. I need to quit for good. It's easy for me to stop because the physical addiction has been kept a bay, but I need something to keep me from picking up that first drink.
Knowing you need to quit is fine. I drank for ten years knowing I needed to quit. Knowing didn't translate to doing anything about it.

So you know you NEED to quit. Can you ACCEPT never, ever, drinking again? Always and forever saying "No" to the voice in your head that tries to talk you into drinking?

If you can accept never drinking, do everything in your power to support that decision.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:25 AM
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"Can you ACCEPT never, ever, drinking again?"

Yes, I accept that I cannot drink and will do what it takes to never pick up another drink.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:26 AM
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Welcome!

It sounds like you're ready to be the person you want to be and to stop drinking for good. If you look around here, you will see that people use a variety of methods to stop drinking. I'm posting a link that will give you information on recovery programs and what we did:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...at-we-did.html (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:33 AM
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Welcome!

I hope to read more posts from you also. Here's a couple good threads to join:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7188872 (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 443)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-one-21.html (Class of May 2019 Part One)
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:51 AM
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welcome to you,
sounds like AVRT might appeal to you. you can find threads about it in the secular forum farther down, and also google Rational Recovery.
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Old 05-21-2019, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy View Post
"Can you ACCEPT never, ever, drinking again?"

Yes, I accept that I cannot drink and will do what it takes to never pick up another drink.
Glad you are here and glad you said this....one thing I will say from experience is that I had to stop saying what I WOULDN'T do (ie AA) to get sober. Plenty of ways to put our decision to get sober permanently into action - the thing is doing it, and again, and again every day.

For me, that's meant a whole lot more than just not drinking- learning how to live, what it means, what kind of life I want...mentally, emotionally (and yes, physically), everything. I don't know anyone who hasn't begun to make different choices in life who succeeds in ongoing sobriety. And, unlike what you did before with those 5 yrs- you don't have to do it alone! We get it. Lots of folks IRL do, too.

You don't have to live the alcoholic life like most of your family. Glad you are with us.
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Old 05-21-2019, 09:24 AM
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It's great to have you with us, ImNot. I hope your life is about to change.

I dropped in here almost 12 yrs. ago, not expecting much. I wasn't prepared to quit all together, but soon realized it was the only way out of the nightmare. Towards the end of my drinking career - every time I picked up, unpredictable & dangerous things happened. I had to give up the idea that willpower would save me - there was never going to be 'a drink or two'. My social drinking had turned into alcoholic drinking, & total dependency.

Thanks so much for your post. You sound ready.
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Old 05-21-2019, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
welcome to you,
sounds like AVRT might appeal to you. you can find threads about it in the secular forum farther down, and also google Rational Recovery.
WOW! That AVRT slideshow makes so much sense to me! How did I miss that all these years? It's similar to the method I used in my only significant (5-year) period of sobriety. Back then, I just reprogrammed my subconscious mind with a simple affirmation "I do not drink." It stuck for a while.

This idea of the Beast is EXACTLY what I have wrestled with.

I will never drink again, and I will not change my mind!


I do not drink.

I'm so glad that I don't drink!

Thank you so much, fini! This is a great tool for people like me.

Edit to add: I want to re-iterate that I don't have anything against AA and know that it has saved a ton of lives, but for some people it is not effective. I am a spiritual person, and I guess my concept of god is that it's far greater than us and not really concerned with our struggles as big-brained monkeys. The idea of a rational mind triumphing over an addictive voice is kind of a higher power, isn't it? All the mumbo-jumbo and pithy maxims just cloud that basic dynamic for me which is probably why all those stints in AA were so short for me... but as I said, everybody is different, and I'm sure not going to knock something that has worked out so well for so many.
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:16 AM
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Over time a common thread here on SR became apparent to me among the diversity of sober drunks. It is, in fact the solution that AA leads people to as well.

Now not all friends on SR follow this path / experience and awakening - but I believe most do based on their posts. Once found, it can be life altering.

Welcome, friend
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:30 AM
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"The longest I ever went was five years all on my own. I just told myself over and over again, "I don't drink" until it became true. Those were five happy years and the only five years of my adult life that I remember clearly"

It sounds like those 5 years were great but also hard at the same time. The term dry drunk is used when you just stop drinking and that's it. There is so much more than just stopping. In rehab they said.. Ok you have quit now, recovery has started but you only done 5%, the next 95% is going to be the hardest part. So true. This is my third real attempt where I have quit. This time I have been able to prepare myself and get all the tools and support. From changing my routine to "unfortunately" dropping friends. My whole life has changed. In the beginning it was hard but now its actual joy. Its a complete change. I work on my recovery daily and do not take it for granted. I nurture it like a fragile baby. Day by day I get stronger. I now know what alcohol really is and what illusion it created for so long in my life. Sobriety has given me what alcohol promised.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:20 PM
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The term dry drunk is used when you just stop drinking and that's it
That's exactly the kind of dogma that makes me and many others go straight from an AA meeting to the bar. I'm glad it works for you. It doesn't work for me, and I've tried it many times.

As I said, those five years were happy. I'm a nice, well adjusted person when not drunk so the solution for me is simple: I do not drink no matter what. I realize others need more.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:23 PM
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Welcome ImNotThatGuy

I just wanted to point out there are examples of longterm recovery success here too - this thing can be beaten

D
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:30 PM
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Welcome, ImNotThatGuy. I'm glad you saw something useful in AVRT -- it has helped me tremendously. Your user name even fits with it -- the idea of dissociating from the "it" that wants the drink... that other guy you don't want to be. It can be a very effective approach.

Keep us posted -- glad you're here.
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Old 05-22-2019, 05:58 AM
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Made it through yesterday (Day 3) without too much trouble, but something strange happened. It may have been psychosomatic after reading so much about withdrawal, but it was real.

I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. Every time I would start to drop off, I would be jolted awake by a kind of panic. The skin on my face feels strange, kind of prickly. My heart rate is fine. Blood pressure may be a little elevated but not serious. I'm constipated like crazy. For the first time in my life, I think I may be experiencing physical withdrawal symptoms. It freaks me out a little. I feel fine so far today except for the constipation.

Is this normal, to start experiencing physical symptoms three days after stopping? I'm not showing any signs of tremors, and my mental clarity is OK. Should I be worried about DTs? I heard it can start several days after the cessation of alcohol.

I do not drink. I have no reason to drink and a million reasons not to. I'm so glad I don't drink! I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind.
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Old 05-22-2019, 04:33 PM
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That sounds a lot like my experience I'mNotThatGuy - insomnia - hot prickly sensation & anxiety - but my BP was screamingly high and I was never 'blocked up' that way.

Day 3 is pretty early - things will get better

That being said, if you're worried, seeing a Dr could help put your mind at ease?

D
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Old 05-22-2019, 06:25 PM
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Welcome to SR! I appreciate hearing your story. Stick around and as you know you will read plenty more...many of them sound like your own.

Keep posting and reading! It really helps!

I have been to enough AA meetings- 20 or so- to know that it's not for me, either. SR has been a Godsend for us "lonewolf" sorts
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Old 05-22-2019, 08:16 PM
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Welcome to the family. It doesn't matter much what method you choose to achieve sobriety. What matters is the effort you put into it.

My early recovery I had weekly counseling sessions (with a wonderful counselor) and came to SR every day to read and post. I also threw myself into caring for my dogs and cats. I had neglected them while I was drinking and I set about to make it right by them.

The most important advice I was ever given about my sobriety was to practice gratitude every day. No matter how small a thing, something to be grateful for. At first it was hard as I was depressed and didn't feel very grateful. But I kept it up and soon it became as natural as breathing. And, like breathing, gratitude sustains my life and makes me happier too.

Here's an article about how gratitude rewards us.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
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Old 05-23-2019, 05:25 AM
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Made it through another day. Slept well last night with some weird, vivid dreams that were not scary or dark, just strange. Face still a little prickly and still having some poop issues but feeling better. Have been a bit irritable these past couple days which is unusual. Feeling better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better than today since I won't be poisoning myself today.

Today I'm very grateful for SR and AVRT. Without you all, I don't know if I would have made it this far. Things are starting to clear up, and I'm looking forward to the rest of my life free from alcohol!
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Old 05-23-2019, 07:07 AM
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Good job!! And, yes, I had a slew of uncomfortable symptoms for quite awhile- I was VERY sick when I quit- everyone's experience is different, but not drinking no matter what the symptoms of early sobriety are is the only solution.

Glad you are here and also using a way that is working for you. Stick with both!
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