Prayers and guidance needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Prayers and guidance needed
My dad is in the hospital and today we will find out if it is his heart and if he will need surgery again. He has been through so very much and he and my mom are such blessings to me. My parents were always so good to my children and yes enabled my son many times.
My son, living 1000 of miles away, is either active in addiction or just not responding to us at this time.
Text messages were sent telling him that he was loved and we would like to hear from him. Voice mail was left as well.... No reply
(I can see there is some cell phone usage since he is still on our plan but not a lot)
If he doesn't go to work today, chances are great that relapse has occurred.
It is around the 6 week point of being sober that he always succumbs to the addiction, praying I am wrong. Praying my gut feelings are incorrect.
Here we are in a predicament again. My son has not spoken to my dad since January when he thanked him for loaning money him money... When he left sober living, my dad was irate and said he will never ever help him in anyway again. My son did call after he was 3 weeks sober and speak to my mom but my dad was sleeping.
Do we tell my son that his grandpa is in the hospital? If we find out he needs surgery, do we try to contact my son. I don't feel it would be good to send a text message.
Still haven't told him about the family pet that passed due to fear it would trigger him... Well, if my gut feeling is correct, it didn't take that to trigger him.
I hate this disease. It makes them so selfish that all they do is think of themselves and don't care about the lives of anyone else. So tired of this road with my son. I hope and pray I am all wrong and he if just living a sober life and just doesn't want us in his life. That would be fine just wish I knew.
My son, living 1000 of miles away, is either active in addiction or just not responding to us at this time.
Text messages were sent telling him that he was loved and we would like to hear from him. Voice mail was left as well.... No reply
(I can see there is some cell phone usage since he is still on our plan but not a lot)
If he doesn't go to work today, chances are great that relapse has occurred.
It is around the 6 week point of being sober that he always succumbs to the addiction, praying I am wrong. Praying my gut feelings are incorrect.
Here we are in a predicament again. My son has not spoken to my dad since January when he thanked him for loaning money him money... When he left sober living, my dad was irate and said he will never ever help him in anyway again. My son did call after he was 3 weeks sober and speak to my mom but my dad was sleeping.
Do we tell my son that his grandpa is in the hospital? If we find out he needs surgery, do we try to contact my son. I don't feel it would be good to send a text message.
Still haven't told him about the family pet that passed due to fear it would trigger him... Well, if my gut feeling is correct, it didn't take that to trigger him.
I hate this disease. It makes them so selfish that all they do is think of themselves and don't care about the lives of anyone else. So tired of this road with my son. I hope and pray I am all wrong and he if just living a sober life and just doesn't want us in his life. That would be fine just wish I knew.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Prayers for your dad!
As for letting your son know the status of his grandfather, why not wait until you know more. If this were me and it was my son who hadn’t spoken to my dad in almost 6 months, a text message would be the route of communication I’d take. I’d keep it simply with something like……..
Wanted to let you know grandfather is in the hospital with heart issues.
He will undergo surgery on _______(if that is what is needed)
And that would be all I’d text. Maybe end it with just a simple “love you”
As for letting your son know the status of his grandfather, why not wait until you know more. If this were me and it was my son who hadn’t spoken to my dad in almost 6 months, a text message would be the route of communication I’d take. I’d keep it simply with something like……..
Wanted to let you know grandfather is in the hospital with heart issues.
He will undergo surgery on _______(if that is what is needed)
And that would be all I’d text. Maybe end it with just a simple “love you”
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree, I would make sure you know the entire situation before you contact him. He is not really responding anyways...
Thing is, an addict will ALWAYS find a trigger. Death, depression, losses. These are normal life cycles that you cannot stop. An addict has to learn how to cope with these things, and if they truly want to get and stay sober, they will, despite triggers.
Sending you many hugs and prayers for your dad and family.
Thing is, an addict will ALWAYS find a trigger. Death, depression, losses. These are normal life cycles that you cannot stop. An addict has to learn how to cope with these things, and if they truly want to get and stay sober, they will, despite triggers.
Sending you many hugs and prayers for your dad and family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
just as the alcoholic can use any crisis, illness or trauma as an excuse to drink, the codpendent/over-carer can ALSO use any crisis/illness/trauma as an excuse to try to negotiate/manipulate the addict into compliance and contact.
telling or not telling him about the death of a pet, thinking you are somehow controlling or protecting HIS sobriety.
telling or not telling him about the health state of his grandfather as a means of trying to get him to contact you.
thinking that when he chooses NOT to contact you it can only be for one of two reasons - he's too drunk or he doesn't want anything to do with you.
not every thing your son does is about you. it's about HIM.
check your own motives before sending the next text.
you said you previously sent texts stating that you loved him.
but then did not get the reply you hoped for.
was the intent to express love OR was the intent to bait him into replying?
he may be just as tired of the same ole song and dance as you are. he may be attempting to do things different now.
give your dad your full time and attention. he needs you. don't regret time wasted. stay in the moment.
telling or not telling him about the death of a pet, thinking you are somehow controlling or protecting HIS sobriety.
telling or not telling him about the health state of his grandfather as a means of trying to get him to contact you.
thinking that when he chooses NOT to contact you it can only be for one of two reasons - he's too drunk or he doesn't want anything to do with you.
not every thing your son does is about you. it's about HIM.
check your own motives before sending the next text.
you said you previously sent texts stating that you loved him.
but then did not get the reply you hoped for.
was the intent to express love OR was the intent to bait him into replying?
he may be just as tired of the same ole song and dance as you are. he may be attempting to do things different now.
give your dad your full time and attention. he needs you. don't regret time wasted. stay in the moment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
To answer the questions in the reply post above...
I don't just send an "I love you" text. When he sent me a text he hurt his leg, I replied to go to the urgent care and get it checked out. I ended the text with "please let us know how your leg is. Love you buddy" Never heard back from him.
Husband sent a text 5 days later... "thinking of you, how all is well, love you"
The intent was to tell him we loved him. The intent was to let him know we still care about him no matter what. We don't want him to think we don't want to bother with him or that we don't care about him. He is in our thoughts and prayers all the time.
The part of do we or don't we tell him what is going on at home just comes down to if and when he finally does reach out to us and or seems to want to connect again, we don't want it coming back to us that we never told him.
If he is happy without us in his life, then that is fine. If talking to us causes him too much stress then fine.
We just don't want him to think we don't care about him. We will always love him whether or not he is sober.
I thank God I have the memories of when he was young and we had good times. These past years - the good times are few and far between- very few.
I hope one day my son can reflect back on the happy times we had as a family.
This isn't about me. I would give up my life for him or my daughter.
We won't be reaching out to our son anymore.
I don't just send an "I love you" text. When he sent me a text he hurt his leg, I replied to go to the urgent care and get it checked out. I ended the text with "please let us know how your leg is. Love you buddy" Never heard back from him.
Husband sent a text 5 days later... "thinking of you, how all is well, love you"
The intent was to tell him we loved him. The intent was to let him know we still care about him no matter what. We don't want him to think we don't want to bother with him or that we don't care about him. He is in our thoughts and prayers all the time.
The part of do we or don't we tell him what is going on at home just comes down to if and when he finally does reach out to us and or seems to want to connect again, we don't want it coming back to us that we never told him.
If he is happy without us in his life, then that is fine. If talking to us causes him too much stress then fine.
We just don't want him to think we don't care about him. We will always love him whether or not he is sober.
I thank God I have the memories of when he was young and we had good times. These past years - the good times are few and far between- very few.
I hope one day my son can reflect back on the happy times we had as a family.
This isn't about me. I would give up my life for him or my daughter.
We won't be reaching out to our son anymore.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hummingbird….....He Knows that you love him. Deep down. It is just that it is not the top thing on his mind. When an addict is spiraling in their disease, their loved ones are about 17 down on the list of what they care about. Their own immediate wants and needs...and the emotions that arise from that, are the first things on their mind....with the next drink or drug being at the top.....
They are encased in their disease and any other co-occurring disorders, at this time.
This is my unswerving belief---If they loved you at 6 yrs....they will love you, deep...deep down at 60 or 90yrs. old.
Children who have really wretched parents...who are neglectful and abusive....still love their parents, deep down!
Just as you love him, when you are angry at him (deep down)..he loves you deep down.
A part of loving from a distance...which may be the reality for you...the only option that is available to you....is accepting that love is not dead...it just has to live at a distance....
Loving from a distance does not, necessarily, mean that you never have any contact, ever again....It just means that the pleasure of hovering above them in a helicopter is no longer in the cards.....
Perhaps, you have a spiritual leader who can help you to Let Go and Let God...?
If so...I think you would find much solace for your own soul, right now....
They are encased in their disease and any other co-occurring disorders, at this time.
This is my unswerving belief---If they loved you at 6 yrs....they will love you, deep...deep down at 60 or 90yrs. old.
Children who have really wretched parents...who are neglectful and abusive....still love their parents, deep down!
Just as you love him, when you are angry at him (deep down)..he loves you deep down.
A part of loving from a distance...which may be the reality for you...the only option that is available to you....is accepting that love is not dead...it just has to live at a distance....
Loving from a distance does not, necessarily, mean that you never have any contact, ever again....It just means that the pleasure of hovering above them in a helicopter is no longer in the cards.....
Perhaps, you have a spiritual leader who can help you to Let Go and Let God...?
If so...I think you would find much solace for your own soul, right now....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hummingbird.....here is a famous writing about our role in our children's lives.....I hope that it gives you some comfort, as it has, for me.....
Kahlil Gibran On Children
Kahlil Gibran On Children
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 
The intent was to tell him we loved him. The intent was to let him know we still care about him no matter what.
We won't be reaching out to our son anymore.
We won't be reaching out to our son anymore.
The other day I was reading this thread and a couple of your other ones. There are a lot of "shoulds" in them. Like, I know I should let go and let God or I know I should try to distance myself a bit more or I know I must try to -
Would, should, try, none of those are doing.
Where I have quoted you above, I see a contradiction. You say you just want him to know you love him. Full stop - period - you just want him to know that.
Then a few lines later you say you will no longer contact him.
Why is that? Because he does not respond as you think he should, because he is selfish?
Well, yes, he is, he is an addict, he has mental health issues, mental health issues alone, by their very nature are selfish, add addition in to that - and well we all know how that works.
All I'm saying is that would, should, could, try is not helping YOU (or him). You are worrying and wringing your hands and not actually practicing (or it appears believing) what you say you "should" be doing.
Please know I am not bringing up any of this to make you feel bad, just to point out that if you actually practiced these things, if you actually believed in them, if you actually distanced yourself and started looking after yourself as a priority, you could perhaps put some of this worry to rest. This is hard on you! I can see it as can everyone who reads your words. Would it not be good for you to find some peace for yourself?
As dandylion said, believe he loves you. He may be horrible at keeping you updated but he does contact you from time to time. If he didn't love you he would never have bothered. Even when he doesn't bother, well, he's an addict, it's what they do, still, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you at all, he just has other priorities right now.
If your intent is to just let him know you care, then there is no need to cut off contact, your messages to him don't need a reply in that case. The message is for him, not for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Originally Posted by hummingbird358
To answer the questions in the reply post above...
I don't just send an "I love you" text. When he sent me a text he hurt his leg, I replied to go to the urgent care and get it checked out. I ended the text with "please let us know how your leg is. Love you buddy" Never heard back from him.
Husband sent a text 5 days later... "thinking of you, how all is well, love you"
The intent was to tell him we loved him. The intent was to let him know we still care about him no matter what. We don't want him to think we don't want to bother with him or that we don't care about him. He is in our thoughts and prayers all the time.
The part of do we or don't we tell him what is going on at home just comes down to if and when he finally does reach out to us and or seems to want to connect again, we don't want it coming back to us that we never told him.
If he is happy without us in his life, then that is fine. If talking to us causes him too much stress then fine.
We just don't want him to think we don't care about him. We will always love him whether or not he is sober.
I thank God I have the memories of when he was young and we had good times. These past years - the good times are few and far between- very few.
I hope one day my son can reflect back on the happy times we had as a family.
This isn't about me. I would give up my life for him or my daughter.
We won't be reaching out to our son anymore.
I don't just send an "I love you" text. When he sent me a text he hurt his leg, I replied to go to the urgent care and get it checked out. I ended the text with "please let us know how your leg is. Love you buddy" Never heard back from him.
Husband sent a text 5 days later... "thinking of you, how all is well, love you"
The intent was to tell him we loved him. The intent was to let him know we still care about him no matter what. We don't want him to think we don't want to bother with him or that we don't care about him. He is in our thoughts and prayers all the time.
The part of do we or don't we tell him what is going on at home just comes down to if and when he finally does reach out to us and or seems to want to connect again, we don't want it coming back to us that we never told him.
If he is happy without us in his life, then that is fine. If talking to us causes him too much stress then fine.
We just don't want him to think we don't care about him. We will always love him whether or not he is sober.
I thank God I have the memories of when he was young and we had good times. These past years - the good times are few and far between- very few.
I hope one day my son can reflect back on the happy times we had as a family.
This isn't about me. I would give up my life for him or my daughter.
We won't be reaching out to our son anymore.
When I read your sentence above, my heart hurt for you.
I am not going to reach out to my son anymore either, but I smile with the knowledge that I can change my mind in the next moment, or the next hour, the next day, the next week or not at all. Always, I will do what feels right to me, and if tomorrow that means that I feel like reaching out for some reason, I can do that too.
I have reason to hope everyday that things will get better. You do too.
Sending positive thoughts and well wishes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
