ThatWasTheOldMe

I'm struggling today with the shame and regret.
I dont think the details of what I did and said matter; but the occassions were numerous. I was a chronically relapsing alcoholic for 5-6 years and a daily alcoholic that didn't give a **** for 5 years before that.

ScottFromWI

Yes, we all have a pretty long list of those things. Not only stupid but illegal, immoral, and generally regrettable.

The best solution is to not drink today though. And giving a "hoot" about things - that will show people that you are not only serious but also alow you to regain trust of those around you. Certainly there are some things that might never be forgiven, and that's really beyond our control anyway. But you will be surprised how powerful living a sober life and making the right decisions can be. Wallowing in self pity and regret of course gets us nowhere - do whatever you can to get out of that mode.

Anna

I think that is the hardest part of early recovery. We are finally forced to stop and look and feel the pain of all the messes we made while drinking. And, dealing with those feelings and working through them is essential for recovery. Start the process of forgiving yourself.

aasharon90

The most important reminder to myself is,
to not repeat old behavior again. Each step
you take building a strong, solid recovery
foundation, you also work at clearing away
the clutter from the past.

Speaking for myself, I was raised in a Catholic
family and education and yet, I am no saint. Yes,
I have sinned just as many have thru out their
lives. Once I entered recovery and learned how
to live life sober incorporating a guideline of a
recovery program, then, I began to heal.

Thru my 28 yrs sober, using willingesns and
keeping an openmind to change, I eventually
got honest for the first time in my life and
upon doing so, a new door opened to me and
I experienced a freedom I had not experienced
before in my life.

Honesty came when I let go of old
behavior, stupid stuff, unhealthy stuff,
sins that I was taught to not commit
at an early age.

As long as I remain sober and not commit
any sins or stupid stuff, then I can continue
achieving health, happiness and many more
of lifes amazing gifts life has to offer us and
to be blessed with.

Continue on your own recovery path and
many of those awful behaviors will be just
that and the new healthier, sober person
will emerge free from the past.

MLD51

I spent a lot of time in the beginning beating myself up for the things I had done. I'd get in a really harmful loop of thinking that I'd never get past it and that no one would ever forgive me, including myself. I really felt hopeless at times. But I was facing up to those things for the first time ever, so it makes sense that it was a hard pill to swallow. A few concrete things I did to help get past that were:

- Going to meetings and seeing for myself that people father along in sobriety had indeed been able to at least make progress in that area, and some had actually forgiven themselves completely

- Completing a 4th and 5th step

- Completing an 8th and 9th step

- Working every day when those thoughts still pop up to remind myself over and over that I'm sober now and will not repeat any of those behaviors, and that the past is the past

I don't know if you are participating in AA, TWTOM, but taking a look at the steps I mentioned, and doing them on your own, or some version of them, could really be a help. Getting that stuff down on paper, telling someone, and then making a list of people you harmed and making amends really does relieve a lot of the burden.

And time. Time helps. As time went on, and I wasn't adding to the pile of shame and regret, I really did feel better.

least

I hope you can forgive yourself so you can live a good sober life.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Thank you for the replies and I apologize for the language. Sometimes bleeped out colorful language helps me express how intense the feeling is.

The most insane thing I could ever do is drink again. So I wont be doing that. I will go to an AA meeting today after work.

Mac4711

Just joining the chorus here: pretty much all of us have done stupid stuff, from the embarrassing to the illegal. But that’s in the past and nothing will undo it. Eyes forward and focus on becoming a better person, the person that you want to be.

You are very early in your sobriety, so for now the main objective is to not pick up again and then, with a measured pace, you’ll start adding other good things - exercise, working on relationships, your career moves, you name it. Even if you only take small steps, over the course of a year they’ll add up and you’ll be amazed by how far you’ll be able to go!

Newbeginning421

I was an active facebook messenger and poster in the middle of the night so can really relate to shame and regret ha. I am on day 7 but having said that I have found people pretty forgiving and most realize it was the booze talking. Many things I said and felt awful about that I thought might ruin a friendship were often just shrugged off as ok he is being a drunken moron again. While we often feel deep regret and shame i have found it was not nearly as bad as i thought it was and was often anxiety getting the best of me

Tetrax

This I relate to, the awful anxiety when I woke up, worried I'd written highly regrettable things. And then the shame and embarrassment to find out that yes I'd done exactly that.

August252015

Great topic and wise friends above have shared good stuff.

It really is such a process. MLD51 and Scott have really good observations - and I'd add something my sponsor said after I broke down sobbing about a wk after doing my 4th and 5th. It was like the weight of alllllll the horrible things (yep, immoral, illegal, insane, rude, reckless and so on...) hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

She suggested that if I could acknowledge something when it pops up, accept it as true and tuck it back in a kind of mental box, that would help me keep going in my peace, sobriety, and living/ongoing amends by my choices. As I have gone along, seeing my part separate from other people's has 2 sides in most cases- I have to admit and own and if appropriate make amends for what WAS my part - but I can also be relieved at letting their part be theirs.

Some days? Just literally being sober, and maybe taking a shower and putting on a cute outfit, then eating ice cream for dinner, has to be enough. Not even kidding about that last part in particular.

I shared this quote on instagram today - "It's a beautiful day to do the things that are hard for you. Don't judge yourself because your hard things aren't hard for others." It spoke to me about letting myself "be" and putting the next right choice into action. It's one of those fairly light mood yet need to be gentle with myself kinda days.

MindfulMan

I don't believe in regrets. Until we have real time travel, there's nothing you can do about things we've done in the past. Can't get a redo.

What we can do is to acknowledge our mistakes and change things to keep from repeating them. And/or mend fences with those whom we've hurt.

My sobriety is far more about how much better I feel and how much better life is without drugs and alcohol than the bad things I did while drunk and using, or what my life was like when I drank/used. Yes, it was horrible, but positive reinforcement is more effective for me.

I had a problem. I solved it. Case closed.

Choicy

I am struggling with the stupid $%!* I have done since In Recovery!

Most my mistakes center around NOT admitting my disease was here Before a particular drug. My head is a general beehive of ridiculous activity.

There is another way than my reacting.
I think I might be on to something; When I tell the truth to someone before I jump, read some literature by another suffering addict, take a walk, I usually laugh at my stupid instincts & I am Grateful I am clean!

I can always count sobriety as One "done- right- today." No matter what.

Finalround

"Live like you were dying"...
Those with a second chance at life start to really live it. Start doing all the things they would talk about doing. Live each day to the fullest. Look at the people in their lives differently. No regrets.

Probably good advice for us too.

brighterday1234

August252015

Thank you! Since I always say, and indeed believe, that I would die if i ever drink again, Imma add this to my usual sayings

ThatWasTheOldMe

August,

What if I don't have any cute outfits?

Mac4711

Then a potato sack will have to do, just don’t drink!

bexxed

I weirdly find comfort in it. I don’t do those things anymore. I picked up and moved on. I made amends where I could. I worked on today. I work on today. I forgave myself. It feels like watching a storm outside and I’m curled up by the fire with a cat and cocoa and a good book.

The things I did happened. The things that were done to me when I drank happened. (That’s a real phenomena also) When I start to lose touch with being in today, I remember them differently. Would I like to go into the storm, or stay inside with the cat and the cocoa? The answer is obvious to me. So I stay in today, going forward, grateful I chose to come in from the storm, dry off, heal, and welcome others who come in.

Dee74

“It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.”
― George Harrison

I get mulling over regrets and mistakes and feeling shame. You wouldn't be a thinking caring human being if you didn't feel those things TWTOM.

But at some point you have to let that go or it becomes self indulgent.

The past is gone. It's sealed. Nothing can get in or out.

Let your past teach you lessons, and then apply those lessons to life as it is and how it will be in future

D