How do I handle this situation??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
How do I handle this situation??
I'm new here. I have a question.
This is the most recent background: The other day, I came home to find my AH slightly drunk. He denied it, of course. He knows how I feel about his drinking (it's too long of a history to even go into here). I expressed concerns (anger really) about him driving a car to work. He actually said to me, no kidding, "I'm not drunk now and I've never driven drunk since I got that ticket for an open container in 2010!" Which is an absolute lie. I was floored (and livid).
So rather than keeping my big mouth shut, I said, "Oh, yeah? What about the time you came home drunk and passed out in the driveway and I called the ambulance and you spent three days in the hospital? The time I found you drinking in the park? The time I saw you on the road having a beer? What about when you said you were at an AA meeting and were really driving around drunk? What about when you hit a tree with your car and totaled it and came home and told me you messed up your car? What about when you moved my mother into her assisted living place and was driving a small moving van drunk??? What about when you lost your phone because you couldn't remember where you left it after driving around out for hours?? What about when you came in from work and fell down the kitchen floor?? What about when I drove you to work last week because you were too drunk to drive and you said, Don't look at me, I'm drunk? What about the thousands and thousands of other times I can bring up but won't? WHAT ABOUT THAT, YOU BIG DOPE, HMMMMMMM?????
And he actually repeated that he wasn't drunk now and he doesn't drive drunk. So I laughed. I mean, I really really laughed out loud, like a belly laugh, because he is so delusional, and it was like a turning point for me, an epiphany. I realized (finally) all the years (many, many) I've wasted trying to get him sober, suggesting different things, trying to be helpful, supportive, explaining how I feel, why I feel that way, etc etc etc, all the wasted worries and sleepless nights and wasted anger/disappointment/sadness that I spent on him, a shell of a man that he used to be, and I am totally disgusted with myself. For the last few days, every time I think about his stupid comment, I laugh out loud. He didn't like that. He said he just said something stupid and I should get over. And I laughed out loud again (yes, I know that's not nice, but I'm so very tired of being nice).
He works part-time two hours at night so we can have health coverage. I am self-employed and very successful. I own both our cars. When the mileage on my car gets to around 175K in about six years, i go buy a new car and give him mine because my old car is basically worthless with all that mileage. I am aware that he's driving drunk in my car. He goes to an AA meeting, and stops at the liquor store on the way home, sometimes drinks in the car and sometimes comes home and hides the beer in the house and drinks at home, thinking that I won't notice. Deny, deny, deny even in the face of empty beer cans that I find hidden. "I forgot about that....It's been there for months.....You're picking on me...I have a disease...I have to drink, I'm an alcoholic." Sheesh.
Of course, he does nothing all day while I work all day. Well, I've had it. I can't look for the cans anymore, I can't follow him and see what he's doing, monitor his schedule, hide the money (he has no money, so borrows it from people at work and then I've ended up paying them back -- but no more) or check if he's called his sponsor (He's had many, many sponsors who drop him because he doesn't follow the program). He's 66 years old and I'm nine years younger. I can't be a mother to him anymore. I have more than enough to do. I am exhausted. I'm done.
So here's the problem: Get rid of the car? Sell the car to him so it's not in my name? Disable the car? Drive him to and from work like a little boy so he doesn't kill someone, but then I have something else to do? Pay for an uber which will cost more than he makes? Where does my responsibility end? Do I say, Great, I hope you get pulled over and get ticketed (he drives very slowly so he thinks no one will stop him and it's been nine years)? Or worse, what if he gets in an accident? What if he injures or kills someone? Am I not responsible for his actions then? I do not want to control him anymore. I've had way too many years of that nonsense. I can't do it.
Sorry for going on and on, but I would appreciate any thoughts.
This is the most recent background: The other day, I came home to find my AH slightly drunk. He denied it, of course. He knows how I feel about his drinking (it's too long of a history to even go into here). I expressed concerns (anger really) about him driving a car to work. He actually said to me, no kidding, "I'm not drunk now and I've never driven drunk since I got that ticket for an open container in 2010!" Which is an absolute lie. I was floored (and livid).
So rather than keeping my big mouth shut, I said, "Oh, yeah? What about the time you came home drunk and passed out in the driveway and I called the ambulance and you spent three days in the hospital? The time I found you drinking in the park? The time I saw you on the road having a beer? What about when you said you were at an AA meeting and were really driving around drunk? What about when you hit a tree with your car and totaled it and came home and told me you messed up your car? What about when you moved my mother into her assisted living place and was driving a small moving van drunk??? What about when you lost your phone because you couldn't remember where you left it after driving around out for hours?? What about when you came in from work and fell down the kitchen floor?? What about when I drove you to work last week because you were too drunk to drive and you said, Don't look at me, I'm drunk? What about the thousands and thousands of other times I can bring up but won't? WHAT ABOUT THAT, YOU BIG DOPE, HMMMMMMM?????
And he actually repeated that he wasn't drunk now and he doesn't drive drunk. So I laughed. I mean, I really really laughed out loud, like a belly laugh, because he is so delusional, and it was like a turning point for me, an epiphany. I realized (finally) all the years (many, many) I've wasted trying to get him sober, suggesting different things, trying to be helpful, supportive, explaining how I feel, why I feel that way, etc etc etc, all the wasted worries and sleepless nights and wasted anger/disappointment/sadness that I spent on him, a shell of a man that he used to be, and I am totally disgusted with myself. For the last few days, every time I think about his stupid comment, I laugh out loud. He didn't like that. He said he just said something stupid and I should get over. And I laughed out loud again (yes, I know that's not nice, but I'm so very tired of being nice).
He works part-time two hours at night so we can have health coverage. I am self-employed and very successful. I own both our cars. When the mileage on my car gets to around 175K in about six years, i go buy a new car and give him mine because my old car is basically worthless with all that mileage. I am aware that he's driving drunk in my car. He goes to an AA meeting, and stops at the liquor store on the way home, sometimes drinks in the car and sometimes comes home and hides the beer in the house and drinks at home, thinking that I won't notice. Deny, deny, deny even in the face of empty beer cans that I find hidden. "I forgot about that....It's been there for months.....You're picking on me...I have a disease...I have to drink, I'm an alcoholic." Sheesh.
Of course, he does nothing all day while I work all day. Well, I've had it. I can't look for the cans anymore, I can't follow him and see what he's doing, monitor his schedule, hide the money (he has no money, so borrows it from people at work and then I've ended up paying them back -- but no more) or check if he's called his sponsor (He's had many, many sponsors who drop him because he doesn't follow the program). He's 66 years old and I'm nine years younger. I can't be a mother to him anymore. I have more than enough to do. I am exhausted. I'm done.
So here's the problem: Get rid of the car? Sell the car to him so it's not in my name? Disable the car? Drive him to and from work like a little boy so he doesn't kill someone, but then I have something else to do? Pay for an uber which will cost more than he makes? Where does my responsibility end? Do I say, Great, I hope you get pulled over and get ticketed (he drives very slowly so he thinks no one will stop him and it's been nine years)? Or worse, what if he gets in an accident? What if he injures or kills someone? Am I not responsible for his actions then? I do not want to control him anymore. I've had way too many years of that nonsense. I can't do it.
Sorry for going on and on, but I would appreciate any thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'd sell the car and let him figure out how to get to work.
Because yeah, sooner or later there will be consequences for his drink driving and those consequences could cost you everything you have or kill someone.
To be honest, I would divorce an alcoholic like this.
Because yeah, sooner or later there will be consequences for his drink driving and those consequences could cost you everything you have or kill someone.
To be honest, I would divorce an alcoholic like this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I would find out how liable you would be if he got into an accident with a car that you owned, even if it was just under your name. I would suspect that if he got sued for an accident he caused, your estate, regardless of car title, would be on the firing line since you're still married to him.
Or you could just sell the car. Let him figure out how to get himself back and forth to work. He's 66. Not 12.
Or you could just sell the car. Let him figure out how to get himself back and forth to work. He's 66. Not 12.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
This is just going to get worse--alcoholism is progressive and right now may be as "good" as it gets.
You are risking losing everything you've worked for.
You also sound like you've had enough.
You will never control his drinking, but you can control what you do with the rest of your life.
You are risking losing everything you've worked for.
You also sound like you've had enough.
You will never control his drinking, but you can control what you do with the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
short term while you consider options, disable the car. you are better served finding other ways to fund health insurance. and also a way out of this whole mess. time to cut the cord. and i'm sorry you are dealing with all of this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
I wasn't surprised by the comments. I just needed the courage to hear it.
I've decided to sell the car. Currently looking for a place to garage it short-term.
I can't explain why I've been married to this person so very long, why I can't seem to quite walk out the door. Perhaps I've always had hope for him/us until now.
Pray it works out.
I've decided to sell the car. Currently looking for a place to garage it short-term.
I can't explain why I've been married to this person so very long, why I can't seem to quite walk out the door. Perhaps I've always had hope for him/us until now.
Pray it works out.
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