Smarie78

I finally went NC with my XABF. He was my boyfriend for over 3 years and then we had 1 year of "friendship" (no dates just texting and went to lunch a couple times) but still a toxic situation involving verbal/emotional abuse. I have a month of NC behind me and I feel really good. I miss him at times, but mostly I feel a huge weight lifted off of me no longer feeling under his spell. No longer feeling completely responsible or forced to be in his life as his anchor and safe space.

The last bit of contact we had started as a very sweet birthday wish from him, but was followed up afterward with a lie he made telling me that he saw my profile on a dating site and was soliciting sex and photos were near nude. This was obviously not true , but it was scary because he kept insisting it was me saying "I know that's who you are, you are a sex addict but your 41 and you will probably never have children so it's really sad". I know they call it gaslighting, but even then I found myself insisting he send me a screenshot of what he saw and of course he couldn't (because it didn't exist). That he was so "sick to his stomach" he deleted his profile. I wondered why I kept trying to convince him it was a lie, why did I still care? Anyway, it made me sad just to know how low someone can go to try and convince you of a lie about yourself. It really hurt me eventhough I knew it wasn't real.

I do think I need to go to therapy still because while I have tried to move on by starting over, dating other people, I still struggle with a lot of guilt in leaving, guilt in feeling like I caused his amputation he had while catching frostbite on a binge. I still feel very unworthy when I meet nice men. I get thoughts in my head that they would never want me and I am only an object to have fun with (something hammered into my head as I was growing up in my 20s). I recently went on a really nice date with someone I always thought would never want someone like me, and he actually seemed to really, really like me. It's been a couple of days and I haven't heard from him and all I can think in my head are those same awful thoughts.

I am not blaming all of this on my XABF, but I think it may be part of it. At any rate, I think whether we stay with our toxic partners or decide to leave, those ghosts seem to stay with us until we deal with our own role in all of it. I guess I was naive thinking once he left my life I would be okay, but I seem to struggle with a nose dive into low self-worth.

Just curious how all of you who finally left handled the baggage and raw emotion that came after? I spent the last several years looking after him, I never really got to think about myself like this.

trailmix

Hi Smarie, good to hear from you!

You know, what you are carrying around really has nothing to do with him (in the basic sense).

He did manage to push all your buttons and this whole - you are a w-**** thing is a recurring theme for him, because he knows just where to hit you to play on your low self-worth. You are well rid of him, no-one and I mean no-one should ever be able to say something like that to you and then get the opportunity to speak to you again, unless it is a written apology that you never have to answer!

Therapy? Absolutely. What you are experiencing is based in your past. These dating/relationship scenarios are a result of that.

Never should you believe "I still feel very unworthy when I meet nice men" that is completely untrue.

Until you believe it though, you are going to go in these circles in your head. I really hope you do reach out for help, Al-Anon, therapy, a support group for people who struggle with self-worth, self-esteem, any and all support you can get.

You are absolutely worthy, now you just have to believe that.

(as for the frostbite - not your deal - you didn't drug him and push him out in to the cold did you?)

MindfulMan

Sounds like toxic narcissism to me, in addition to addiction. He sounds pretty horrible ASIDE from any drinking/addiction issues.

FallenAngelina

Just as an alcoholic doesn't change simply by not drinking, we also cannot magically transform everything about ourselves just because we end our relationship. Other people do not make us what we are, they reflect where we are. If we don't like what we see, often we do need to remove ourselves, but this is always just the start - same as sobriety is just the start for an alcoholic. We can change, just as an alcoholic can change, but it's not done quickly and it's not done in isolation. Learning to navigate life in a healthier way (AKA recovery) is meant to be done both in meditation/prayer/quiet times and in community with others who are traveling in the same direction. The most important aspect of changing our lives, once we've decided to remove ourselves from an unhealthy relationship, is to commit to quiet alone time/prayer/meditation and commit to a community of change. I have never seen anyone change without a lifelong and ongoing commitment to both of these.

SparkleKitty

For me, the ghosts were always there, just exposed and exacerbated by my relationship with an alcoholic. Breaking it off with him was akin to going cold turkey, but the real work of recovery and the development of healthy self-esteen was (for me) done with a therapist.

MindfulMan

I did some googling and found this article on narcissists and addiction. Wonder if this rings true, and I suspect it probably does for a number of F&F people.

Having been through addiction and recovery myself, I believe that nearly all addicts have narcissistic tendencies while in the grip of their DOCs. And like any underlying mental health issue, sobriety alone generally doesn't solve a dual diagnosis. Unfortunately Narcissistic Personality Disorder, like all of the PDs, doesn't respond well to treatment.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...rcissist-first

Piperdream

AnvilheadII

the title says "long after you leave" but in your case it's been about 30 DAYS of No Contact. you are at the beginning of the journey. we don't have On/Off switches so of course a mere month from last contact things are still very fresh, very raw and very unfixed.

it's a big messy ball of yarn to unravel, but it's best to start somewhere rather than just stare at the ball. counseling would be an excellent choice. cuz the partner was never really the problem.....they just served as the catalyst.

pdm22

I remember it took me a couple of years of going to the library, reading self help/ psychology book, etc to really get at all of the “issues”/ family of origin stuff (I did go to therapy, but I also found that reading and giving material time to sink in helped too). The more time passed, the better I felt.

This was a while ago, I didn’t have a cell phone yet and there was no social media yet, plus I moved back to my home state at one point, so having zero contact and him having no way to reach me really helped. He was the mean type too, very “borderline”/ BPD, so I do remember back when I was trying to break it off, some “nice” contact would get parlayed from his end into him flipping a switch and turning into an a*****e once he got my attention, but eventually I caught on to just stay away from him. He did get physically assaultive once, in addition to verbal abuse, so I always knew in the back of my mind it was only a matter of time before that happened again. The beginning/right after the break up is the worst.

tomsteve

30 days of no contact- i didnt have residual effects. i had THE effects.
sorted through em with 12 steps- took a t look at the "why" of it all which didnt include the "why" of her-only the "why" of me.
took longer than 30 days for me.
the only thing i had in those 30 days was anger. turned out that was insecurities and fear.

FallenAngelina

Dating again only one month after a four year toxic relationship is not going to be very satisfying, as you're finding out. There does come a point when it's time to move on and date new people, but dating new people in order to rush the ability to move on, that never works. You're dragging everything along with you into these new relationships. Using relationships in attempts to give us what's lacking in ourselves is the same as using booze. Really, the only difference between us and alcoholics is that we don't get chips for our recovery achievements, but let's not kid ourselves that we need recovery just as deeply. Jumping into a new relationship at this time is just like jumping into a bottle.

PuzzledHeart

Smarie, I'm glad you came back. Believe it or not, I was thinking about you yesterday.

I'm sorry that things took such a bad turn. It's really scary when you feel like you're one step away from believing any delusion that's thrown upon you. I'm glad you're reaching out here.

I agree with Anvilhead and FallenAngelina - 30 days is just a beginning. I wouldn't rush to date other people - your heart will know when it's ready. I remember rushing into dating too soon after my heart was broken - it was flattering for two seconds, then it quickly turned into an ordeal for both parties involved. I would have had a better time throwing my heart into a river and using it to dredge the bottom.

Smarie78

trailmix

Those things he wrote to you are the writings of a disturbed person. They aren't just insults, they are insults with riders on them. You are crap, but I love you anyway, we both suck so hey let's be together!

You have had YEARS of this. This is above and beyond any kind of addiction, well I shouldn't really say that, I don't know what has warped his mind, the drugs, the lifestyle or if he was always disturbed.

I hope you tell your therapist all of this, not because you need to diagnose him, but so she knows what you have been exposed to.

I'm not sure I understand how you would feel power from that, like you are supposed to absorb them. Maybe that's just programming over the years? What do you make of it?

Smarie78

amy55

Smarie,

You know, last night I was going to post but I didn't. Instead I wrote it down on a piece of paper, it is, I AM A GOOD PERSON. I never felt that way before. I was always hearing all of the put downs in my head, and this is after being divorced for 9 years. This is how much an abusive relationship can destroy your self-esteem, and self-confidence. I was always told that no one liked me, that the only reason people put up with me was because of him, and they were showing respect to him by not telling me how they really felt about me. I was told many things, but time has past, and I don't wish to recall any of them.

I look at my life now and I have many friends. I don't wish to harm anyone, I never did. I realized that all of this time that I was fighting against his perception of me (or his perception of himself) and always trying to prove myself because I didn't feel like I was worthy of anything. That's not true. It's not true for you and it's not true for me.

Let go of those voices in your head, the ones that are telling you the things he told you. They aren't true, they are all lies. They were lies that he told you so that you would feel like he was the only one that would accept you.

Look to your friends, look to your family, do they say the same things to you? Probably not.

My suggestion to you is to learn to love yourself. You'll find out what an amazing person you are. Also, say to yourself, I AM A GOOD PERSON, and I deserve better.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

Bekindalways

So glad to see your post Smarie. Also a huge congrats for cutting the ties with this guy. That was one tough situation and I know super hard to leave.

30 days of no -contact with a recent text is just barely a start. Keep putting time together away from this guy and preferably stay away from relationships right now. This is your chance to dig deep and figure out what is going on. I wish you lots of healing. Gather all the support you can; you will need it.

trailmix

I hope you have blocked his email?

I see what you mean. Well perhaps in his mind he is just using a short cut, it's hard to put someone down and apologize in email as an abuse tactic, if you only wrote hateful then what, you wait an hour? a day to apologize?

Honestly it's hard to say where he is coming from with such garbage and that's just what it is, the thoughts of someone without reasoning power or any kind of human compassion or any "goodness". Just horrible.

I hope you have blocked him anyway, you have been abused and he continues to do that. It's no surprise you react the way you do, reactions to abuse become ingrained. Your therapist will help you unravel all that as well.

I'm so sorry someone treated you that way Smarie.

FallenAngelina

All of our attention on the alcoholic and rumination over what they might be thinking, what they might be meaning and how their every move has the power to mow us down - all of this is like so much booze. It's our drug. You're in detox right now, Smarie, or at least you're trying to be. When an alcoholic gets sober, he has to remove the drink first thing. We we get sober, we have to remove the obsessive orientation on the alcoholic - and that is not as easily measured as sobriety from drink. It's essential, however. It's the reason that we begin each AlAnon meeting with the reminder to take the focus off the alcoholic and keep it on ourselves. Right now you are hyper focused on what you're thinking he thinks of you and that is just more of the same old drug, the drug being someone else's approval.

What is your program moving forward, Smarie?

velma929

A while ago, some firemen ruined a brand-new fire truck, playing with the ladder and until the ladder hit a live electrical line. A spokesman credited the accident to "a lack of situational awareness." No kidding. Almost every mistake I've made can be explained by a lack of situational awareness.

We go into relationships with whatever experience we've accrued, most of us doing the best we can. We're going to make mistakes. I no longer expect perfection from myself, and try not to beat myself up (as much) when I fall short of the mark.

Ahhh, the corollary! We expect "Once my loved one stops drinking, everything will be okay!" But our loved one still has to wrestle with whatever was prompting him or her to self medicate.

I'm a little older than you. Our generation was the free love, sex is great fun, "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" crowd. I never ever felt peer pressure to smoke, for instance. I did feel messages along the lines of "Sophisticated people enjoy sex without commitment." Maybe other women can do that. I can't. When I have sex with a man,I feel closer to him. I spent significant time in my youth being disappointed and feeling used when men didn't feel the same way. [shrug] It took a while, but I moved on.

Society gives use peculiar messages: I still struggle sometimes; If I was prettier [or taller/thinner/smarter/more educated/ sexier] people would treat me better. Partially true maybe? Shallow people would treat me better. Decent people treat others nicely, regardless. (I have to add, I've watched American society as a whole get a lot less civil in the last 50 years)

I saw a counselor for a couple years. At one point he asked me of my relationship to my husband, "What are you getting out of this?" Economic stability, I didn't want to admit that *getting married to someone I'd know six months* was stupid, I didn't have to look at my own actions and evaluate them. I had my reasons. My husband made it easy for me in a way: he died. The end doesn't get more definitive than that. Looking back, he was flawed, as we all are. He did the best he could. If I had made different choices anywhere along the way...I wouldn't have this life, this consort, maybe not my job. Maybe I'd be better off having never met him, but maybe not. Maybe it's made me a kinder, gentler person than I would have been (which is scary, 'cause I tend toward the curmudgeon side already)