Question about dealing with the past
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 356
Question about dealing with the past
Although I have made amends when appropriate, I still look back and realize I was sick for some time. I did not behave well, and I associated with people that enabled me and me them. It is hard to deal with at times. I feel like I should have gotten help earlier, much earlier. But I did not. How have some of you made peace with your past? I am doing better, sober since July 2. Thank you SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Forgiveness was the first step for me. I firmly believe that sobriety does not begin without forgiveness.
After I survived withdrawal practicing forgiveness was the very first action I took in my recovery. I found a quiet space to meditate for several hours and I thought about every grievance I ever had with anybody. In some cases I relived the pain I felt when those instances had first occurred. Then when I was finished reflecting on those events I forgave each person and each instance.
Bear in mind forgiveness is not reconciliation. I decided some people were welcome to continue being in my life and some were relegated to the dustbin of history. No matter what though everybody has been forgiven. I also forgave myself which was much harder than anybody else but it needed to be done.
Then I made amends with people. Some people I spoke to personally. Others like my ex-wife I left alone because I didn't want to open old wounds. Mostly I've made living amends through my actions and the way I carry myself.
The past is the past. I don't wish to shy away from my past but it is not who I am now. I have forgiven everybody and made my amends so there is no emotional debts outstanding in my life. Now I just focus on my recovery, fellowship, and living the best life possible for myself.
After I survived withdrawal practicing forgiveness was the very first action I took in my recovery. I found a quiet space to meditate for several hours and I thought about every grievance I ever had with anybody. In some cases I relived the pain I felt when those instances had first occurred. Then when I was finished reflecting on those events I forgave each person and each instance.
Bear in mind forgiveness is not reconciliation. I decided some people were welcome to continue being in my life and some were relegated to the dustbin of history. No matter what though everybody has been forgiven. I also forgave myself which was much harder than anybody else but it needed to be done.
Then I made amends with people. Some people I spoke to personally. Others like my ex-wife I left alone because I didn't want to open old wounds. Mostly I've made living amends through my actions and the way I carry myself.
The past is the past. I don't wish to shy away from my past but it is not who I am now. I have forgiven everybody and made my amends so there is no emotional debts outstanding in my life. Now I just focus on my recovery, fellowship, and living the best life possible for myself.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
We have all made decisions we wish we could undo. Unfortunately the nature of time does not allow us to do so.
The process of doing amends allows us compensate, in a way, for the wrongs we have done. Yet amends only go so far. There are often people who we cannot contact to make amends. Sometimes we know we were bad actors but due to blackout or some other circumstance feel there is nothing we can do to even begin to make right what we have done wrong.
We can beat ourselves up for our bad decisions, but for what purpose? I think its better to realize that we owe a sort of debt to the universe. We can over look the ass that just cut us off in traffic, knowing that this is just the sort of thing we once did. We can buy someone lunch who's strapped for cash. We can overlook a debt we feel we are owed due to a wrong done to us.
We can strive to make the world just a little better place. We can add a little something to make the world a slightly better place when all things are considered. We can leave a positive footprint, because we can.
The process of doing amends allows us compensate, in a way, for the wrongs we have done. Yet amends only go so far. There are often people who we cannot contact to make amends. Sometimes we know we were bad actors but due to blackout or some other circumstance feel there is nothing we can do to even begin to make right what we have done wrong.
We can beat ourselves up for our bad decisions, but for what purpose? I think its better to realize that we owe a sort of debt to the universe. We can over look the ass that just cut us off in traffic, knowing that this is just the sort of thing we once did. We can buy someone lunch who's strapped for cash. We can overlook a debt we feel we are owed due to a wrong done to us.
We can strive to make the world just a little better place. We can add a little something to make the world a slightly better place when all things are considered. We can leave a positive footprint, because we can.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi Jim
for me I've accepted it took what it took for me to find the right road or me. All I've been through, good and bad, has led me here to today and where I am and its not a bad place to be.
The longer I'm sober, the more I focus on the now and not the then. - not that I forget the past, but it's not somethign I can change.
I can do a lot with my today tho - you can even make it a kind of living amends f you like
Congrats on your sober time - it's getting up there
D
for me I've accepted it took what it took for me to find the right road or me. All I've been through, good and bad, has led me here to today and where I am and its not a bad place to be.
The longer I'm sober, the more I focus on the now and not the then. - not that I forget the past, but it's not somethign I can change.
I can do a lot with my today tho - you can even make it a kind of living amends f you like
Congrats on your sober time - it's getting up there
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Its hard to heal when the wounds are fresh, but with time they will begin to heal. I think everyone's timeline is different. In a different life, I also did bad things and it took 3 years to return to a sense of normalcy. Be patient, stay strong and have faith that the worm will turn for the better.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 141
You mean why didn't you save your self sooner? Drinking can make jerks of a lot of us. I actually ended a relationship not all that long ago with a person who was perfectly thoughtful and generous and kind when sober...but get a few drinks in him and he was just plain old mean. It was like he turned into this person who needed to put others down in order to feel good. Jekyll and Hyde sort of dealio. Even though I don't want him in my atmosphere (nor anyone who makes me feel bad about who I am).... I can separate the drink from the person. But perhaps that's just due to my own drinking problem. I just don't think it does anyone any good by wallowing in a past we cannot change. I think you're mental energy is better spent designing the person you want to be now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
Besides the amends (and 5th step to some degree), I have learned to forgive myself. I’ve realized and accepted I’m not perfect just like everyone else and I’ve made mistakes. Even non-alcoholics have done things in the past they regret. There are mistakes I used to obsess about (particularly more in early sobriety) that don’t bother me anymore mostly just with the passing of time. Now I just realize that tomorrow or maybe the next day the feelings will just go away. In the meantime I can just try to be the best person I can be today and moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
It's not easy. But for me some of it has been coming to grips with how absurd of a place the world can be, and how disingenuous it is in general. Cynical perhaps... but there sure seems to be a lot of places a person can get lost that no one ever bothers to warn us about.
It's a fine line between giving myself a break and shirking responsibility. I accept 100% all of my actions, but I simultaneously recognize and acknowledge that I grew up in some conditions and with some b.s. fed to me that it's a miracle I ever woke up at all...
I carry a little chip on my shoulder these days... and while I have to make sure that doesn't get to my head I find it does help with self empowerment, which in turn helps with self pity. And frankly, whenever I'm beating on myself it's really just a big self pity trip.
But perhaps the biggest thing is that I am what I am. I don't regret and I don't wish that I hadn't experienced the things I did because I actually like who I am today. And I could only have been this person by experiencing all of the past. Something, at almost 15 months, I'm becoming aware of though is that I'm likely going to need to make a couple of major changes in the coming 2-3 years to end some of the constructs (profession), etc. that I created over the years that compel me to do things that make me feel negative or bad about myself.
For so much of my life I'd normalized feeling like **** about myself. Now that I'm clean I find I'm going to have to make pretty much wholesale changes to rewire my life from a position of this new found ability I have to treat myself with dignity, respect, and as much honesty as I'm able. I suspect I'll work the rest of my life on that... and that's fine by me.
But, you bring up a good topic. A common one and an area we have to stay aware of... I'm sure that self loathing and lack of self forgiveness has ambushed more than one of us. I think it's one of the central issues of recovery. Maybe start with this... you DESERVE it. Say that again and again even if you don't believe it. Fake it 'til you make it. And don't ever quit... because you do deserve it... and there doesn't need to be a justification or any other explanation for it.
Best to you-
-B
It's a fine line between giving myself a break and shirking responsibility. I accept 100% all of my actions, but I simultaneously recognize and acknowledge that I grew up in some conditions and with some b.s. fed to me that it's a miracle I ever woke up at all...
I carry a little chip on my shoulder these days... and while I have to make sure that doesn't get to my head I find it does help with self empowerment, which in turn helps with self pity. And frankly, whenever I'm beating on myself it's really just a big self pity trip.
But perhaps the biggest thing is that I am what I am. I don't regret and I don't wish that I hadn't experienced the things I did because I actually like who I am today. And I could only have been this person by experiencing all of the past. Something, at almost 15 months, I'm becoming aware of though is that I'm likely going to need to make a couple of major changes in the coming 2-3 years to end some of the constructs (profession), etc. that I created over the years that compel me to do things that make me feel negative or bad about myself.
For so much of my life I'd normalized feeling like **** about myself. Now that I'm clean I find I'm going to have to make pretty much wholesale changes to rewire my life from a position of this new found ability I have to treat myself with dignity, respect, and as much honesty as I'm able. I suspect I'll work the rest of my life on that... and that's fine by me.
But, you bring up a good topic. A common one and an area we have to stay aware of... I'm sure that self loathing and lack of self forgiveness has ambushed more than one of us. I think it's one of the central issues of recovery. Maybe start with this... you DESERVE it. Say that again and again even if you don't believe it. Fake it 'til you make it. And don't ever quit... because you do deserve it... and there doesn't need to be a justification or any other explanation for it.
Best to you-
-B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,965
Through therapy, I learned to forgive myself and have self compassion. I realized my alcoholism started because I was self medicating and I developed an addiction. Alcoholism and addiction leads to bad behaviors. But no one is good or bad. We are all just surviving (physically and emotionally) and when we don’t learn effective coping skills, we cope however we can. I have had to let go of the past and learn from my mistakes. I am in a better place now, and learning to love myself has made me more compassionate toward others no matter what they have done.
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