Currently going through a divorce with an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Currently going through a divorce with an alcoholic
hi, I’m Brooke. My husband left me and my kids (he was step dad, real father never knew them and he’s in jail for dealing) we were together on and off as married couple for 6 years. When I met him we both drank in the beginning. But I don’t really drink a lot, maybe once a month now.. I hate hangovers. He slowed his drinking down because he got a second shift job but would spend sat sun getting totally drunk. I asked him to stop many many times because he wasted the whole weekend at the bar and would only come and fall asleep on the couch. I kicked him out several times because of it . Finally he agreed to once a week on Saturday. I felt a huge resentment and he claimed I should accept him as he is because he drank when I met him. But he got into a hit and run with his own daughter and had to attend a course for that. He claims he fell asleep at the wheel and didn’t realize he hit someone even though his daughter told him to stop he kept on going. Cops arrested him at my house and I didn’t even know what was happening. Several times I asked him to watch the kids I would come home and he was wasted out of his mind. I was so furious. But I loved him and thought he would change.
So recently he went out Saturday night a month ago and I told him not to come here if he was wasted because I didn’t want to deal with a drunk. I thought that would prevent him from getting drunk instead I found out he got so drunk he went home with another girl.
He now wants a divorce because he’s sick of my ****.
So that’s where we are. He gave me the money to file and everything. He completely broke my heart. He’s acting as if this is all my fault and he’s just completely sick of me. My kids are heartbroken. We haven’t talked in weeks as I told him to leave us alone.
His own daughter doesn’t talk to him either.
Last year I nursed him back to health from almost dying of sepsis.
I guess he has no heart.
Thats where I’m at.
So recently he went out Saturday night a month ago and I told him not to come here if he was wasted because I didn’t want to deal with a drunk. I thought that would prevent him from getting drunk instead I found out he got so drunk he went home with another girl.
He now wants a divorce because he’s sick of my ****.
So that’s where we are. He gave me the money to file and everything. He completely broke my heart. He’s acting as if this is all my fault and he’s just completely sick of me. My kids are heartbroken. We haven’t talked in weeks as I told him to leave us alone.
His own daughter doesn’t talk to him either.
Last year I nursed him back to health from almost dying of sepsis.
I guess he has no heart.
Thats where I’m at.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
You can't stop a drunk. They have to want it.
Sounds like you would be better finding a non drinker. The gotcha is if they are an ex drinker and decide to relapse.
When dealing with an active addict a person is dealing with an irrational person.
Irrational equals insane when it is time for the crazy.
Education and lingering permanent mental and physical damage saved me.
Thanks.
Sounds like you would be better finding a non drinker. The gotcha is if they are an ex drinker and decide to relapse.
When dealing with an active addict a person is dealing with an irrational person.
Irrational equals insane when it is time for the crazy.
Education and lingering permanent mental and physical damage saved me.
Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by bexxed 
I’m sorry for what you’re going thru and I know it hurts.
Let him go. He doesn’t want to change and your demands are really not substantial.
Let him go. He doesn’t want to change and your demands are really not substantial.
I’m sorry but what do you mean when you say my demands are not substantial?
Thank you
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi and welcome Brooke
This is a forum for Newcomers and as a newcomer you're very welcome here
Some relationships last forever and some don't - sounds like this guy has decided to move on. As for what he says, I know I blamed everyone else when I was a drinker too.
It could be a blessing in disguise for you.
A new life, a new sober beginning ?
D
This is a forum for Newcomers and as a newcomer you're very welcome here
Some relationships last forever and some don't - sounds like this guy has decided to move on. As for what he says, I know I blamed everyone else when I was a drinker too.
It could be a blessing in disguise for you.
A new life, a new sober beginning ?
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Brooke81
I just feel hurt and I didn’t know if this was a forum for Alanon or only alcoholics. I don’t mean to offend anyone.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
you will find support and guidance from people that have been in your shoes there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,440
Welcome Brooke! I'm sorry what you are going through.
Sometime divorce is itself a new boudary,
damage control. When married to someone who doesnt respect your safety, your wishes, physical/psycological or financial well being, i feel it is often the best one. It hurts, but it also seems like your husband is giving you a gift in disguise. One hit and run or dwi will likely lead to another or something else. He doesnt spumd like hes in a place where hes seeking help
Focus on your own well being and you childrens as best you can. Sending my support
Sometime divorce is itself a new boudary,
damage control. When married to someone who doesnt respect your safety, your wishes, physical/psycological or financial well being, i feel it is often the best one. It hurts, but it also seems like your husband is giving you a gift in disguise. One hit and run or dwi will likely lead to another or something else. He doesnt spumd like hes in a place where hes seeking help
Focus on your own well being and you childrens as best you can. Sending my support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by nmd
Welcome Brooke! I'm sorry what you are going through.
Sometime divorce is itself a new boudary,
damage control. When married to someone who doesnt respect your safety, your wishes, physical/psycological or financial well being, i feel it is often the best one. It hurts, but it also seems like your husband is giving you a gift in disguise. One hit and run or dwi will likely lead to another or something else. He doesnt spumd like hes in a place where hes seeking help
Focus on your own well being and you childrens as best you can. Sending my support
Sometime divorce is itself a new boudary,
damage control. When married to someone who doesnt respect your safety, your wishes, physical/psycological or financial well being, i feel it is often the best one. It hurts, but it also seems like your husband is giving you a gift in disguise. One hit and run or dwi will likely lead to another or something else. He doesnt spumd like hes in a place where hes seeking help
Focus on your own well being and you childrens as best you can. Sending my support
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
What nmd said. My opinions fall on both sides. I was married, my wife didn't work. I wasn't abusive or anything, just not worth much when I came home from work and decided to drink. She said to stop drinking or she'll divorce me. She filed without ever once trying to get me help, via counseling, therapy, AA. Just left a nice, roomy house and security to move back in with family because she felt it was better for her mentally.
Now even though she's still broke, she's happy with her boyfriend of a few years. Yes, I hate myself for that and I wish I had been lucky enough like some here to have had a supportive spouse. Or even one who made an effort to understand or help instead run.
But I don't blame her at all and I don't blame any spouse for not wanting to put up with it, especially if you have kids. Good luck.
Now even though she's still broke, she's happy with her boyfriend of a few years. Yes, I hate myself for that and I wish I had been lucky enough like some here to have had a supportive spouse. Or even one who made an effort to understand or help instead run.
But I don't blame her at all and I don't blame any spouse for not wanting to put up with it, especially if you have kids. Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by abgator
What nmd said. My opinions fall on both sides. I was married, my wife didn't work. I wasn't abusive or anything, just not worth much when I came home from work and decided to drink. She said to stop drinking or she'll divorce me. She filed without ever once trying to get me help, via counseling, therapy, AA. Just left a nice, roomy house and security to move back in with family because she felt it was better for her mentally.
Now even though she's still broke, she's happy with her boyfriend of a few years. Yes, I hate myself for that and I wish I had been lucky enough like some here to have had a supportive spouse. Or even one who made an effort to understand or help instead run.
But I don't blame her at all and I don't blame any spouse for not wanting to put up with it, especially if you have kids. Good luck.
Now even though she's still broke, she's happy with her boyfriend of a few years. Yes, I hate myself for that and I wish I had been lucky enough like some here to have had a supportive spouse. Or even one who made an effort to understand or help instead run.
But I don't blame her at all and I don't blame any spouse for not wanting to put up with it, especially if you have kids. Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
I can sympathize. It’s not you, it really is him. He puts his alcohol above you, that is not a reflection on you although it may feel that way. It’s a reflection of what an out of control man he is, lost touch with what’s important in life. This is your chance to reinvent yourself. Find happiness, focus on you, free from the burdens of trying to rein in his drinking. He will go down a dark and lonely road, you will be free and live a better life. I knew a woman who spent 27 years married to an alcoholic. In her late 40s she met a college professor, has traveled the world with him, and has the life she always deserved.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
Brooke - you deserve better, you deserve to be happy, your children deserve to be raised in a healthy environment. It may be hard to go through with this process, but you cannot change him.
I had suspected he must've been hiding bottles cuz who passes out after a pint?
Best to you and glad you found us.
I had suspected he must've been hiding bottles cuz who passes out after a pint?
Best to you and glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Brooke81
I understand. The thing is that he wouldn’t admit he ever had a problem no matter what damage he caused. The main thing is that he cheated on me once early in our marriage which was an emotional affair apparently and second after 6 years, so the drinking I would have been more open to helping him if he admitted his drinking was a problem and that he didn’t cheat on me. I would have been more supportive of him. I did live him very much and he really hurt me. He is the one that ran. He ran away from anything I ever said and into the arms of the bar and random women.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Sounds like a blessing. May not appear to be so while in the situation currently. In 5 years you will be so thankful he has given you life again and YOU took your life back. I hope you are able to find some way to heal yourself and move on!
Blessings,
DC
Blessings,
DC
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
My ex-wife was going off the rails with, among other things, her alcoholism when we got divorced.
I hope that she is clean and sober and having a great (and better) life somewhere.
When we first got married, my alcoholism was the elephant in the living room floor that everyone had to step over, even though she was a very creditable drinker (she was in the incipient phase of alcoholism, while I was in a considerably more advanced state).
But then I got sober after a few years of marriage and she quit for 10 years (which was immeasurably helpful to me and for which I remain grateful).
At some point, though, she took up heavy drinking and erratic behavior soon followed.
We got divorced after more years than we should have stayed together.
I hope that she is on these forums right now.
In my case (and I suspect my ex-wife's), divorce was very emancipating.
I keep telling people it should be a sacrament.
I married my college sweetheart and we have been together now for 14 years.
I wish you the best with your situation.
I hope that she is clean and sober and having a great (and better) life somewhere.
When we first got married, my alcoholism was the elephant in the living room floor that everyone had to step over, even though she was a very creditable drinker (she was in the incipient phase of alcoholism, while I was in a considerably more advanced state).
But then I got sober after a few years of marriage and she quit for 10 years (which was immeasurably helpful to me and for which I remain grateful).
At some point, though, she took up heavy drinking and erratic behavior soon followed.
We got divorced after more years than we should have stayed together.
I hope that she is on these forums right now.
In my case (and I suspect my ex-wife's), divorce was very emancipating.
I keep telling people it should be a sacrament.
I married my college sweetheart and we have been together now for 14 years.
I wish you the best with your situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by mariposa
I can sympathize. It’s not you, it really is him. He puts his alcohol above you, that is not a reflection on you although it may feel that way. It’s a reflection of what an out of control man he is, lost touch with what’s important in life. This is your chance to reinvent yourself. Find happiness, focus on you, free from the burdens of trying to rein in his drinking. He will go down a dark and lonely road, you will be free and live a better life. I knew a woman who spent 27 years married to an alcoholic. In her late 40s she met a college professor, has traveled the world with him, and has the life she always deserved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Caprice6
Brooke - you deserve better, you deserve to be happy, your children deserve to be raised in a healthy environment. It may be hard to go through with this process, but you cannot change him.
I had suspected he must've been hiding bottles cuz who passes out after a pint?
Best to you and glad you found us.
I had suspected he must've been hiding bottles cuz who passes out after a pint?
Best to you and glad you found us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by SoberCAH
My ex-wife was going off the rails with, among other things, her alcoholism when we got divorced.
I hope that she is clean and sober and having a great (and better) life somewhere.
When we first got married, my alcoholism was the elephant in the living room floor that everyone had to step over, even though she was a very creditable drinker (she was in the incipient phase of alcoholism, while I was in a considerably more advanced state).
But then I got sober after a few years of marriage and she quit for 10 years (which was immeasurably helpful to me and for which I remain grateful).
At some point, though, she took up heavy drinking and erratic behavior soon followed.
We got divorced after more years than we should have stayed together.
I hope that she is on these forums right now.
In my case (and I suspect my ex-wife's), divorce was very emancipating.
I keep telling people it should be a sacrament.
I married my college sweetheart and we have been together now for 14 years.
I wish you the best with your situation.
I hope that she is clean and sober and having a great (and better) life somewhere.
When we first got married, my alcoholism was the elephant in the living room floor that everyone had to step over, even though she was a very creditable drinker (she was in the incipient phase of alcoholism, while I was in a considerably more advanced state).
But then I got sober after a few years of marriage and she quit for 10 years (which was immeasurably helpful to me and for which I remain grateful).
At some point, though, she took up heavy drinking and erratic behavior soon followed.
We got divorced after more years than we should have stayed together.
I hope that she is on these forums right now.
In my case (and I suspect my ex-wife's), divorce was very emancipating.
I keep telling people it should be a sacrament.
I married my college sweetheart and we have been together now for 14 years.
I wish you the best with your situation.
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