Notices

And I thought

Old 05-10-2019, 06:22 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
And I thought

I was getting off light this time. Maybe the several day bender wasn't going to be so hard to overcome. Yeah I was exhausted from being awake for 30 hours since my last drink. The fluids and ativan at the ER were a huge help. Thought the rest would have me feeling better when I woke up.

Wow did I fool myself (again)! The voices I kept hearing last night didn't make it pleasant. I searched the house wondering if I left a radio on, but the direction of the music kept changing. Definitely in my head. Then the good ol' nightmares, topped with waking up freezing, drenched in sweat. I can deal with those though. It's feeling like my eyes are wonky and won't focus is the one that drives me nuts. At least the anxiety is almost nil, so I'm avoiding taking an ativan and just sucking it up.

Day 2 for the...3rd time? Maybe 4th, I don't remember. Just downloaded a bunch of different sober apps on the phone to check out.
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 06:38 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ghostlight1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
The good news is, you'll never have to feel this way again if you don't take that first drink.
Are you serious about quitting?
Ghostlight1 is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 06:45 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Ghostlight1 View Post
The good news is, you'll never have to feel this way again if you don't take that first drink.
Are you serious about quitting?
Well I don't want to die or leave my little girl without a father...

I I have to find other means. Last night I was looking for local addiction counselors, psychologists. I've tried doing it on my own, failed. I have tried different AA groups and just didn't feel like it was for me, or helping. Maybe I just need to keep looking for the right AA group.
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 07:14 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Giving up is NOT an option.
 
MLD51's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,792
Yep, as Ghostlight said, you'll never have to go through this again if you choose not to.

Most of us can't do it alone. There are several ways of getting the help we need, AA is just one of them. I went to outpatient treatment, and it was great for me. I also went to AA - took me a while to find a meeting I really liked, but I kept trying. AA is good for me because I need the face-to-face contact with other sober folks and I also found out that helping newcomers is a huge help to me. I'd keep trying to find a good meeting. Just my 2 cents.
MLD51 is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 08:18 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by MLD51 View Post
Yep, as Ghostlight said, you'll never have to go through this again if you choose not to.

Most of us can't do it alone. There are several ways of getting the help we need, AA is just one of them. I went to outpatient treatment, and it was great for me. I also went to AA - took me a while to find a meeting I really liked, but I kept trying. AA is good for me because I need the face-to-face contact with other sober folks and I also found out that helping newcomers is a huge help to me. I'd keep trying to find a good meeting. Just my 2 cents.
I'm looking into outpatient treatment right now. Trying to find something that accepts my insurance is frustrating.

There are still several AA meetings in the area I haven't tried and I will keep trying. When I can safely drive, of course. Thanks
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 08:39 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Happyvale's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 141
Although it's clear you feel like turd on toast, commend yourself for picking yourself up, dusting off and trying again. It's a process, not an event. I also believe this is not something done easily alone - although some do. There is community recovery, there are addictions counsellors and psychologists, faith groups or some even throw themselves into activity alternatives like martial arts or volunteering. I'm only on day 3 and know I have to find my true commitment by figuring out how exactly I'm going to handle this... what am I going to do when I want to pick up? How am I going to handle those situations when offered a drink or when it seems attractive to indulge with others. What will I do when home alone and feeling sorry for myself and a drink seems like a great elixir for all that ails me. I myself had not found those answers for myself just yet and I fear the change within I'm seeking might not take flight.....but hanging out here is certainly helping.
Happyvale is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:06 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Outpatient or addiction counselors are my first step. I feel like I need one on one guidance to develop a plan. I can read all these suggestions, plans, etc online from people who have been through it, but it feels like it's just not registering with my dumb butt lol. I shrug it off like, "that doesn't seem like it'll do any good....".

I find it very difficult to get past the self loathing for failing at sobriety.
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:16 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Happyvale's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by abgator View Post
Outpatient or addiction counselors are my first step. I feel like I need one on one guidance to develop a plan. I can read all these suggestions, plans, etc online from people who have been through it, but it feels like it's just not registering with my dumb butt lol. I shrug it off like, "that doesn't seem like it'll do any good....".

I find it very difficult to get past the self loathing for failing at sobriety.
I chuckled at "well that doesn't seem like it'll do any good". I get that. Although I understand, I personally don't think self loathing is helpful for I believe at the core of most of boozehounds is a pretty toxic core of shame that goes waaaaaaaay back. And my second theory? Well that same icky sticky internal boil contributes to lack of intimacy. I'm okay with you seeing the relatively confident face I put on for the world...but please don't come into my house (figuratively and in reality). Please don't see who I really am...please don't know me and reject me cuz I just couldn't bear it - I would just die! A tad melodramatic but not really that far from the truth. Ay yi yi yuck.
Happyvale is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:18 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Getting past the self-loathing is so hard, but it's essential for you to do so before you can begin to heal.

Be kind to yourself today.
Anna is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:18 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Giving up is NOT an option.
 
MLD51's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,792
I understand the self-loathing. I had a lot of that, for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was failing to get sober on my own. Thought I was strong enough, smart enough, had enough will-power, to just quit. I wasn't, because I was addicted to alcohol and had no clue how to survive without it for any length of time. Not only was I addicted to alcohol, but I needed a whole bunch of work on myself in other areas so that I could learn to cope with life on life's terms without looking for an escape. Quitting the physical act of pouring booze down my throat was just the beginning, the real work has been since then. Learning to be a whole person, filling my toolbox with tools so that I don't pick up again. It's a process.
MLD51 is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:32 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
The funny thing about the self loathing, it's not there (at least not on the surface, maybe in my subconscious) when I'm sober. When I'm in withdrawals, it's all I can think of. Which is where I think a psychologist would come in handy here. Get on down to the deeper reason. Being alone on a Saturday night shouldn't be cause to throw away how great I feel and productive I'd been. Not to mention earning a paycheck to pay the mortgage lol

At the same time, I'm also feeling very fortunate that my boss doesn't care. My talents at work are worth it for him to have me out a little bit and he just wants to see me get better, so he's really working with me on this.
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:36 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Abgator.

Pick up the phone and call any AA meeting. If you can't drive right now, someone will come by and pick you up and take you to a meeting. There are lots of clubhouses around and from my experience, they sit around between meetings and drink coffee.
djlook is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:47 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by djlook View Post
Hello, Abgator.

Pick up the phone and call any AA meeting. If you can't drive right now, someone will come by and pick you up and take you to a meeting. There are lots of clubhouses around and from my experience, they sit around between meetings and drink coffee.
That's interesting to know, thanks. As soon as one of my parents gets off work, they're going to come pick me up, grab my kid, and stay out at their house for the night. I'm planning on an AA meeting tomorrow.
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 09:49 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Alcoholics helping another suffering alcoholic. That's what they do to stay sober themselves. It's an honor and a privilege to help another alcoholic.
djlook is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 10:29 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Well, I made my first real step at help. Found an organization that accepts my insurance for outpatient and contacted them. Of course now I have to wait for them to call me back. But it's more of a step than I've taken before outside of AA which I may not have had an open mind about.
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 10:37 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Giving up is NOT an option.
 
MLD51's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,792
That's a great first step. I'm tellin' ya - I learned a TON at outpatient. I like science, and I got that at my outpatient. Lots of touchy-feely stuff too, and practical tools for relapse prevention. It was a good mix for me. I like to understand how things work, then how to fix them. AA does that, too, but it's presented a whole different way.
MLD51 is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 10:48 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Guener's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Good sleuthing to find that outpatient program that accepts your insurance. I had a very good OP group that put me a long way toward getting on the sober path. Those negative feelings should begin passing now that you are on the action road.
Guener is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 11:24 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
djlook is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 11:27 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by MLD51 View Post
That's a great first step. I'm tellin' ya - I learned a TON at outpatient. I like science, and I got that at my outpatient. Lots of touchy-feely stuff too, and practical tools for relapse prevention. It was a good mix for me. I like to understand how things work, then how to fix them. AA does that, too, but it's presented a whole different way.
That would be great for me, the science perspective. I'm overly analytical and in general kind of a skeptical person. The touchy-feely stuff, I have a really hard time with.
abgator is offline  
Old 05-10-2019, 11:36 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Caprice6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
Have you looked into S.M.A.R.T Recovery groups? They use more of a scientific Approach than AA, which wasn't for me given the choices by my doctor.
Caprice6 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:18 PM.