Codependency and Overeating!
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Codependency and Overeating!
I read an interesting article today on the link between codependency and over eating . The link is below if anyone wants to read.
https://www.altamirarecovery.com/blog/common-thread-food-addiction-codependency/
I'm wondering what others thoughts are on over or under eating in recovery. I've been feeling very low and off of late, and noticing my using food almost as a friend, to fill that void that I have. Here's a quote from the article that struck me
"At the same time, love and approval are what the codependent person craves, and because you have not learned how to nurture or perhaps even recognize your own needs, you are left in a constant state of struggle, unable to move forward in healthy ways. Instead, you turn to eating as a self-destructive means of filling the void and finding comfort. As your codependency and food addiction deepen, they may also serve to feed off of each other, creating triggers that heighten distress, anxiety, codependent behavior, and your addiction.
Thoughts?
https://www.altamirarecovery.com/blog/common-thread-food-addiction-codependency/
I'm wondering what others thoughts are on over or under eating in recovery. I've been feeling very low and off of late, and noticing my using food almost as a friend, to fill that void that I have. Here's a quote from the article that struck me
"At the same time, love and approval are what the codependent person craves, and because you have not learned how to nurture or perhaps even recognize your own needs, you are left in a constant state of struggle, unable to move forward in healthy ways. Instead, you turn to eating as a self-destructive means of filling the void and finding comfort. As your codependency and food addiction deepen, they may also serve to feed off of each other, creating triggers that heighten distress, anxiety, codependent behavior, and your addiction.
Thoughts?
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My goodness, that sounds destructive and dramatic.
I do get it though, I eat for comfort sometimes, I always have. I'm not codependent though, I think it can apply to anyone.
Here is some food for thought (get it, food haha - ok that was lame).
Sometimes I think allowing yourself to gain weight can be a defence mechanism, a way to fend off others. If you are not feeling your best or pretty darn good then you can just hide away. That's just my own personal pondering, I have nothing to back that up.
We all have stuff we use that might not be particularly good for us, over-eating, drinking, over-exercising even, focusing on the negative, beating yourself up can be soothing in its own way.
When I find myself eating for "fun" I try to curb that by looking at food as food instead of what it is not, that's sometimes not easy, but most of these things are not. It doesn't do much of anything to address why i'm doing it, but that's another kettle of fish (pun not intended there).
I do get it though, I eat for comfort sometimes, I always have. I'm not codependent though, I think it can apply to anyone.
Here is some food for thought (get it, food haha - ok that was lame).
Sometimes I think allowing yourself to gain weight can be a defence mechanism, a way to fend off others. If you are not feeling your best or pretty darn good then you can just hide away. That's just my own personal pondering, I have nothing to back that up.
We all have stuff we use that might not be particularly good for us, over-eating, drinking, over-exercising even, focusing on the negative, beating yourself up can be soothing in its own way.
When I find myself eating for "fun" I try to curb that by looking at food as food instead of what it is not, that's sometimes not easy, but most of these things are not. It doesn't do much of anything to address why i'm doing it, but that's another kettle of fish (pun not intended there).
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Glenjo, I have a lot of experience with this. In fact, it was only years after I entered recovery from codependency that I could even begin to deal with all of my food issues.
The hard part of giving up using food for comfort is that it works. It's short-term, of course, and like with any other addiction it stops working eventually. But unlike other addictions, you can't give it up cold turkey. You need to learn to moderate--a terrifying thing when you consider that moderation is the fantasy of all addicts--to just be able to drink or use like a NORMAL person.
I will tell you that I have been focused on food and body image issues for almost five years this summer and progress is slow. Never underestimate how intimate these issues can be. The first thing I had to do was accept that it took over forty years for me to develop this particular relationship with food, and that it one hundred percent was not going to change overnight. ESPECIALLY with the constant societal narratives that are reinforced every single day around food, dieting, what you should look like, what you should eat, what you shouldn't, even WHEN you should eat and why--there's a reason it's a billion dollar industry, and it's a tremendous amount of noise to shut out and focus on what food does for YOU.
I'm not all the way there yet, and recovery has been multi-layered and complex. I know for a fact that without the work I did to build a solid sense of self-esteem FIRST, this work would be impossible. Everything else stems from that basic foundation.
The hard part of giving up using food for comfort is that it works. It's short-term, of course, and like with any other addiction it stops working eventually. But unlike other addictions, you can't give it up cold turkey. You need to learn to moderate--a terrifying thing when you consider that moderation is the fantasy of all addicts--to just be able to drink or use like a NORMAL person.
I will tell you that I have been focused on food and body image issues for almost five years this summer and progress is slow. Never underestimate how intimate these issues can be. The first thing I had to do was accept that it took over forty years for me to develop this particular relationship with food, and that it one hundred percent was not going to change overnight. ESPECIALLY with the constant societal narratives that are reinforced every single day around food, dieting, what you should look like, what you should eat, what you shouldn't, even WHEN you should eat and why--there's a reason it's a billion dollar industry, and it's a tremendous amount of noise to shut out and focus on what food does for YOU.
I'm not all the way there yet, and recovery has been multi-layered and complex. I know for a fact that without the work I did to build a solid sense of self-esteem FIRST, this work would be impossible. Everything else stems from that basic foundation.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
My goodness, that sounds destructive and dramatic.
I do get it though, I eat for comfort sometimes, I always have. I'm not codependent though, I think it can apply to anyone.
Here is some food for thought (get it, food haha - ok that was lame).
Sometimes I think allowing yourself to gain weight can be a defence mechanism, a way to fend off others. If you are not feeling your best or pretty darn good then you can just hide away. That's just my own personal pondering, I have nothing to back that up.
We all have stuff we use that might not be particularly good for us, over-eating, drinking, over-exercising even, focusing on the negative, beating yourself up can be soothing in its own way.
When I find myself eating for "fun" I try to curb that by looking at food as food instead of what it is not, that's sometimes not easy, but most of these things are not. It doesn't do much of anything to address why i'm doing it, but that's another kettle of fish (pun not intended there).
I do get it though, I eat for comfort sometimes, I always have. I'm not codependent though, I think it can apply to anyone.
Here is some food for thought (get it, food haha - ok that was lame).
Sometimes I think allowing yourself to gain weight can be a defence mechanism, a way to fend off others. If you are not feeling your best or pretty darn good then you can just hide away. That's just my own personal pondering, I have nothing to back that up.
We all have stuff we use that might not be particularly good for us, over-eating, drinking, over-exercising even, focusing on the negative, beating yourself up can be soothing in its own way.
When I find myself eating for "fun" I try to curb that by looking at food as food instead of what it is not, that's sometimes not easy, but most of these things are not. It doesn't do much of anything to address why i'm doing it, but that's another kettle of fish (pun not intended there).
I hear what your saying, and for me it's made me realize all the different ways I try to fill that void. Food is yet another especially now that I don't have the ex addict to focus on.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Glenjo, I have a lot of experience with this. In fact, it was only years after I entered recovery from codependency that I could even begin to deal with all of my food issues.
The hard part of giving up using food for comfort is that it works. It's short-term, of course, and like with any other addiction it stops working eventually. But unlike other addictions, you can't give it up cold turkey. You need to learn to moderate--a terrifying thing when you consider that moderation is the fantasy of all addicts--to just be able to drink or use like a NORMAL person.
I will tell you that I have been focused on food and body image issues for almost five years this summer and progress is slow. Never underestimate how intimate these issues can be. The first thing I had to do was accept that it took over forty years for me to develop this particular relationship with food, and that it one hundred percent was not going to change overnight. ESPECIALLY with the constant societal narratives that are reinforced every single day around food, dieting, what you should look like, what you should eat, what you shouldn't, even WHEN you should eat and why--there's a reason it's a billion dollar industry, and it's a tremendous amount of noise to shut out and focus on what food does for YOU.
I'm not all the way there yet, and recovery has been multi-layered and complex. I know for a fact that without the work I did to build a solid sense of self-esteem FIRST, this work would be impossible. Everything else stems from that basic foundation.
The hard part of giving up using food for comfort is that it works. It's short-term, of course, and like with any other addiction it stops working eventually. But unlike other addictions, you can't give it up cold turkey. You need to learn to moderate--a terrifying thing when you consider that moderation is the fantasy of all addicts--to just be able to drink or use like a NORMAL person.
I will tell you that I have been focused on food and body image issues for almost five years this summer and progress is slow. Never underestimate how intimate these issues can be. The first thing I had to do was accept that it took over forty years for me to develop this particular relationship with food, and that it one hundred percent was not going to change overnight. ESPECIALLY with the constant societal narratives that are reinforced every single day around food, dieting, what you should look like, what you should eat, what you shouldn't, even WHEN you should eat and why--there's a reason it's a billion dollar industry, and it's a tremendous amount of noise to shut out and focus on what food does for YOU.
I'm not all the way there yet, and recovery has been multi-layered and complex. I know for a fact that without the work I did to build a solid sense of self-esteem FIRST, this work would be impossible. Everything else stems from that basic foundation.
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I also get looking outside for validation. We all do it to greater and lesser degrees, it can get way out of balance (I know you already know this).
Reeling that back in is not easy, but it's not as hard as you think it is, once it "clicks".
I asked you who told you that you aren't good enough just the way you are. If the answer is, no one except you - well. That was true for me. I was always pretty critical of myself and it was truly over a short period of time when I decided not to do that anymore, not under ANY circumstance. If I gain 10 lbs, oh well, criticizing myself and being mean to myself accomplishes exactly nothing. I have proven that over and over again. I bet when you are feeling confident you do better.
So even when I may not be particularly pleased with myself, that doesn't mean I have to go all in on the criticism parade and I still have to remind myself of that and it gets easier as you go along.
So yes, this sounds over-simplified but it can be that simple, not easy, just simple. It may all be tied to co-dependency, it may not, whatever caused that for you may be tied in. Might just be if you just focus on increasing your self esteem the rest will fall in to place.
Reeling that back in is not easy, but it's not as hard as you think it is, once it "clicks".
I asked you who told you that you aren't good enough just the way you are. If the answer is, no one except you - well. That was true for me. I was always pretty critical of myself and it was truly over a short period of time when I decided not to do that anymore, not under ANY circumstance. If I gain 10 lbs, oh well, criticizing myself and being mean to myself accomplishes exactly nothing. I have proven that over and over again. I bet when you are feeling confident you do better.
So even when I may not be particularly pleased with myself, that doesn't mean I have to go all in on the criticism parade and I still have to remind myself of that and it gets easier as you go along.
So yes, this sounds over-simplified but it can be that simple, not easy, just simple. It may all be tied to co-dependency, it may not, whatever caused that for you may be tied in. Might just be if you just focus on increasing your self esteem the rest will fall in to place.
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Very interesting article, that led me to research more. My problem is not overeating, but undereating. The article credits shame to causing a person to overeat,. Although I could say I do harbor a lot of shame, I do not necessarily attribute my current relationship with food as shame, but a variety of causes.
When my husbands alcoholism went into overdrive. I lost 30 lbs in a matter of months. I suddenly couldn't hardly chew let alone swallow. It has become a battle I continue to struggle with but in my case I have became very aware that it probably started as a matter of control. If my world is falling apart it was the one thing I had complete control over. No one could force me to eat!! Stress also contributed with gastro issues and my weight loss double whammy of nicotine and way too much coffee acting not only as stress relief but appetite suppressants. Finally, not taking care of ME=self neglect.
As a young adult I never in my wildest dreams thought being underweight would be an issue. Now, it is a very real issue. It brings with it, its own shame. When someone is underweight people do not think twice about saying "you're too skinny." I am working on it but have a ways to go!
When my husbands alcoholism went into overdrive. I lost 30 lbs in a matter of months. I suddenly couldn't hardly chew let alone swallow. It has become a battle I continue to struggle with but in my case I have became very aware that it probably started as a matter of control. If my world is falling apart it was the one thing I had complete control over. No one could force me to eat!! Stress also contributed with gastro issues and my weight loss double whammy of nicotine and way too much coffee acting not only as stress relief but appetite suppressants. Finally, not taking care of ME=self neglect.
As a young adult I never in my wildest dreams thought being underweight would be an issue. Now, it is a very real issue. It brings with it, its own shame. When someone is underweight people do not think twice about saying "you're too skinny." I am working on it but have a ways to go!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
My goodness, that sounds destructive and dramatic.
I do get it though, I eat for comfort sometimes, I always have. I'm not codependent though, I think it can apply to anyone.
Here is some food for thought (get it, food haha - ok that was lame).
Sometimes I think allowing yourself to gain weight can be a defence mechanism, a way to fend off others. If you are not feeling your best or pretty darn good then you can just hide away. That's just my own personal pondering, I have nothing to back that up.
We all have stuff we use that might not be particularly good for us, over-eating, drinking, over-exercising even, focusing on the negative, beating yourself up can be soothing in its own way.
When I find myself eating for "fun" I try to curb that by looking at food as food instead of what it is not, that's sometimes not easy, but most of these things are not. It doesn't do much of anything to address why i'm doing it, but that's another kettle of fish (pun not intended there).
I do get it though, I eat for comfort sometimes, I always have. I'm not codependent though, I think it can apply to anyone.
Here is some food for thought (get it, food haha - ok that was lame).
Sometimes I think allowing yourself to gain weight can be a defence mechanism, a way to fend off others. If you are not feeling your best or pretty darn good then you can just hide away. That's just my own personal pondering, I have nothing to back that up.
We all have stuff we use that might not be particularly good for us, over-eating, drinking, over-exercising even, focusing on the negative, beating yourself up can be soothing in its own way.
When I find myself eating for "fun" I try to curb that by looking at food as food instead of what it is not, that's sometimes not easy, but most of these things are not. It doesn't do much of anything to address why i'm doing it, but that's another kettle of fish (pun not intended there).
What I have noticed is that some of the people he surrounded himself with we're quite overweight. His cousin had piled on huge amount of weight, and this new girl he was dating was overweight, I won't use the terms he called her. My instinct is that there's a lot of emotional coping eating going on there. In fact he told me how much weight his cousin was putting on and how she was as sick as he was.
The point of this is I think I'm determined not to put on a few pounds because then he will have won. He will have damaged me, that's so interesting that I haven't verbalised this up to now. I feel that when I'm slim and not eating much it's indicative of me feeling well about me. Now that I'm struggling I'm linking it to him and not wanting to be depressed because it would kill me to allow him to affect me like that, yet perhaps he has. Don't get me wrong I'm physically fit, I'm just eating crap because I feel low in myself which adds some weight. But your right Trailmix being critical will not help me one bit. I am where I am and I'm ok just how I am. It's too much pressure to be focusing on my weight right now and perhaps I need to go through this and love myself anyway. That's what unconditional love is, isn't it? Need to do that for myself.
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I don't know... but the living proof is that when I was in my relationship I gained a lot of weight. And... the weight... is still... hanging around (pun intended). It's harder to lose it than to gain it (especially if you are older). If think for me, the weight protects me from people, generally. It protects me from getting to know people intimately... and in person, I get to be "funny": ha, ha, I'm 90% chocolate.
I do know some people who struggle with food and codependency. They binge-eat and are always on diets. They create drama if there is none. They are drawn to people they have to "manage" and they resent "having to" manage those people. I think inner child work might help with these things.
I do know some people who struggle with food and codependency. They binge-eat and are always on diets. They create drama if there is none. They are drawn to people they have to "manage" and they resent "having to" manage those people. I think inner child work might help with these things.
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I wonder if perhaps you’re having a bit of a PTSD reaction, from the chaotic relationship overall, then the assault? When emotions get intense and dysregulated after something like that, and a person has difficulty sitting with feelings, food can serve this sort of dual purpose of both numbing you out, and creating distance from the intense feelings. Hard to stop, because it “works” in a way.
I’ve struggled with this before. When I get like this, I try my best to focus on eating regular meals and keeping junk or trigger foods out of the house, drinking a lot of water, etc. It’s hard at times, and so true about what SparkleKitty said about moderation. :/
I’ve struggled with this before. When I get like this, I try my best to focus on eating regular meals and keeping junk or trigger foods out of the house, drinking a lot of water, etc. It’s hard at times, and so true about what SparkleKitty said about moderation. :/
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Originally Posted by pdm22
I wonder if perhaps you’re having a bit of a PTSD reaction, from the chaotic relationship overall, then the assault? When emotions get intense and dysregulated after something like that, and a person has difficulty sitting with feelings, food can serve this sort of dual purpose of both numbing you out, and creating distance from the intense feelings. Hard to stop, because it “works” in a way.
I’ve struggled with this before. When I get like this, I try my best to focus on eating regular meals and keeping junk or trigger foods out of the house, drinking a lot of water, etc. It’s hard at times, and so true about what SparkleKitty said about moderation. :/
I’ve struggled with this before. When I get like this, I try my best to focus on eating regular meals and keeping junk or trigger foods out of the house, drinking a lot of water, etc. It’s hard at times, and so true about what SparkleKitty said about moderation. :/
I definitely believe there is a sense of numbing out happening. Normally I'm good at sitting with feelings but I'm not able at the moment, I feel all anxious and even meditation which normally helps I'm struggling to do properly. My mind can't focus. It may be a PTSD reaction, I remember in the week following the assault I could not stop eating also as a form of self numbing too. I'm just so annoyed that he has affected me like this, he would be so happy if he knew this was happening. I hope by trying to work it out like this it will help. Water and no junk food sounds good I'll give it a go but being honest junk food is all I'm craving.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I'm just so annoyed that he has affected me like this, he would be so happy if he knew this was happening.
It's not a 'fun' period, but it's necessary and will reap rewards beyond measure.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Then take the power away from him by re-framing this: your relationship with him revealed things about YOU that you want and need to deal with, and you are building the toolset to do exactly that.
It's not a 'fun' period, but it's necessary and will reap rewards beyond measure.
It's not a 'fun' period, but it's necessary and will reap rewards beyond measure.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Glenjo, I have a lot of experience with this. In fact, it was only years after I entered recovery from codependency that I could even begin to deal with all of my food issues.
The hard part of giving up using food for comfort is that it works. It's short-term, of course, and like with any other addiction it stops working eventually. But unlike other addictions, you can't give it up cold turkey. You need to learn to moderate--a terrifying thing when you consider that moderation is the fantasy of all addicts--to just be able to drink or use like a NORMAL person.
I will tell you that I have been focused on food and body image issues for almost five years this summer and progress is slow. Never underestimate how intimate these issues can be. The first thing I had to do was accept that it took over forty years for me to develop this particular relationship with food, and that it one hundred percent was not going to change overnight. ESPECIALLY with the constant societal narratives that are reinforced every single day around food, dieting, what you should look like, what you should eat, what you shouldn't, even WHEN you should eat and why--there's a reason it's a billion dollar industry, and it's a tremendous amount of noise to shut out and focus on what food does for YOU.
I'm not all the way there yet, and recovery has been multi-layered and complex. I know for a fact that without the work I did to build a solid sense of self-esteem FIRST, this work would be impossible. Everything else stems from that basic foundation.
The hard part of giving up using food for comfort is that it works. It's short-term, of course, and like with any other addiction it stops working eventually. But unlike other addictions, you can't give it up cold turkey. You need to learn to moderate--a terrifying thing when you consider that moderation is the fantasy of all addicts--to just be able to drink or use like a NORMAL person.
I will tell you that I have been focused on food and body image issues for almost five years this summer and progress is slow. Never underestimate how intimate these issues can be. The first thing I had to do was accept that it took over forty years for me to develop this particular relationship with food, and that it one hundred percent was not going to change overnight. ESPECIALLY with the constant societal narratives that are reinforced every single day around food, dieting, what you should look like, what you should eat, what you shouldn't, even WHEN you should eat and why--there's a reason it's a billion dollar industry, and it's a tremendous amount of noise to shut out and focus on what food does for YOU.
I'm not all the way there yet, and recovery has been multi-layered and complex. I know for a fact that without the work I did to build a solid sense of self-esteem FIRST, this work would be impossible. Everything else stems from that basic foundation.
My experience is very similar. Recovery from codependency is what helped me really SEE my eating disorder because I had to dig all those layers down to understand how this was *my* addiction evidencing itself very early in life. It's actually VERY common among ACoA in my experience. In fact, we binge-watched "My 600# Life" (haha) recently and almost every single one of these very extreme cases had ACoA/FOO issues. (many combined with sexual abuse as well, but the vast majority had alcohol/drug addiction issues in their FOO background... I would wager it showed up in about 85% of the episodes!)
For me, becoming emotionally dependent on food started DECADES before I really saw it in my life so whatever was happening "right now" was just the trigger. I had to trace it back to the Source & Origin to have that AHA Moment where it clicked for me & I was able to create sustainable change. Now I've maintained my weight for almost 4 years - no more yo-yo'ing with weight swings, no more running to the fridge for every emotional wound. It's just different now, I inherently know I'll never go back to the same habits in the same ways for the same reasons. It just no longer has the same kind of power over me.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
My experience is very similar. Recovery from codependency is what helped me really SEE my eating disorder because I had to dig all those layers down to understand how this was *my* addiction evidencing itself very early in life. It's actually VERY common among ACoA in my experience. In fact, we binge-watched "My 600# Life" (haha) recently and almost every single one of these very extreme cases had ACoA/FOO issues. (many combined with sexual abuse as well, but the vast majority had alcohol/drug addiction issues in their FOO background... I would wager it showed up in about 85% of the episodes!)
For me, becoming emotionally dependent on food started DECADES before I really saw it in my life so whatever was happening "right now" was just the trigger. I had to trace it back to the Source & Origin to have that AHA Moment where it clicked for me & I was able to create sustainable change. Now I've maintained my weight for almost 4 years - no more yo-yo'ing with weight swings, no more running to the fridge for every emotional wound. It's just different now, I inherently know I'll never go back to the same habits in the same ways for the same reasons. It just no longer has the same kind of power over me.
For me, becoming emotionally dependent on food started DECADES before I really saw it in my life so whatever was happening "right now" was just the trigger. I had to trace it back to the Source & Origin to have that AHA Moment where it clicked for me & I was able to create sustainable change. Now I've maintained my weight for almost 4 years - no more yo-yo'ing with weight swings, no more running to the fridge for every emotional wound. It's just different now, I inherently know I'll never go back to the same habits in the same ways for the same reasons. It just no longer has the same kind of power over me.
On a related note, I just happened to watch an episode of judge Judy where an articulate, educated and pretty girl got involved with an addict bf and his brother, helping him try to get jobs etc and giving him money. He left her in debt. The ruling was for the girl but said she obviously had low self esteem otherwise she wouldn't have got involved with him. It struck a chord with me that if I had good self esteem I wouldn't have either. Self esteem is everything. Everything.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes I'm sure it will pass, but realising im "in it" sucks. I like the reframing idea and hopefully will reap those rewards.
Not sure what types of foods you crave specifically, but one thing I have noticed is that for me, the cravings do become physical because of dysregulated insulin/ blood sugar. Just some health problems I’ve had over the years, but I’ve found I have to keep a certain weight range, exercise, and eat good fats/ fiber/ protein/ light on carbs, because when I start in on sugar/ chocolate, my blood sugar gets dysregulated, and once the cravings are of a hormonal/ physical nature, it’s even harder to stop.
This type of thing may or may not true for you, but I know that’s not an unusual thing for people to experience. It’s true, it’s hard to nip it in the bud when you’re “in it” (I did well for a long time and fell off the wagon a little this winter, and it’s like, this s*** again, but I’m trying to pick myself up now too), but it sounds like you have general good habits and are aware, so that will hopefully help you in the long run.
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So much good information in this thread.
As for origins, I was just watching part of a documentary on Jane Fonda, who is rather wise (although I do disagree on her about some things) but she understands people and life.
Everyone knows about her cold Father but her Mother was actually bi-polar (or manic depressive as it was called at the time) and killed herself when she was 42.
She (Jane) finally came to understand after researching her Mother that her life was hard, her upbringing was hard, she was in pain and therefore couldn't see Jane, couldn't parent her the way she needed.
She said she always wondered why these parents of hers were so narcissistic that they could not see her. Now she understands that it has nothing to do with her, that's she's not un-lovable, that she is ok by herself, that's she's ok, but it took time to come to that.
She also realizes she does not have to be perfect, "good enough" is ok.
So what I'm getting at here GlenJo is that you are going to have to go back further if you really want to find out where that low self-worth comes from.
This is a link to the documentary, I only watched Act 5 which starts at 1:54 (this link will start the video at that point) and it is about 22 minutes long.
https://youtu.be/KJFihD_Wt5I?t=6861
I think it's also worth looking at self-worth, I like this description.
"Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”.
https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/s...vs-self-worth/
Don't know that I agree with her take on self-esteem but it's worth thinking about.
As for origins, I was just watching part of a documentary on Jane Fonda, who is rather wise (although I do disagree on her about some things) but she understands people and life.
Everyone knows about her cold Father but her Mother was actually bi-polar (or manic depressive as it was called at the time) and killed herself when she was 42.
She (Jane) finally came to understand after researching her Mother that her life was hard, her upbringing was hard, she was in pain and therefore couldn't see Jane, couldn't parent her the way she needed.
She said she always wondered why these parents of hers were so narcissistic that they could not see her. Now she understands that it has nothing to do with her, that's she's not un-lovable, that she is ok by herself, that's she's ok, but it took time to come to that.
She also realizes she does not have to be perfect, "good enough" is ok.
So what I'm getting at here GlenJo is that you are going to have to go back further if you really want to find out where that low self-worth comes from.
This is a link to the documentary, I only watched Act 5 which starts at 1:54 (this link will start the video at that point) and it is about 22 minutes long.
https://youtu.be/KJFihD_Wt5I?t=6861
I think it's also worth looking at self-worth, I like this description.
"Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”.
https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/s...vs-self-worth/
Don't know that I agree with her take on self-esteem but it's worth thinking about.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So much good information in this thread.
As for origins, I was just watching part of a documentary on Jane Fonda, who is rather wise (although I do disagree on her about some things) but she understands people and life.
Everyone knows about her cold Father but her Mother was actually bi-polar (or manic depressive as it was called at the time) and killed herself when she was 42.
She (Jane) finally came to understand after researching her Mother that her life was hard, her upbringing was hard, she was in pain and therefore couldn't see Jane, couldn't parent her the way she needed.
She said she always wondered why these parents of hers were so narcissistic that they could not see her. Now she understands that it has nothing to do with her, that's she's not un-lovable, that she is ok by herself, that's she's ok, but it took time to come to that.
She also realizes she does not have to be perfect, "good enough" is ok.
So what I'm getting at here GlenJo is that you are going to have to go back further if you really want to find out where that low self-worth comes from.
This is a link to the documentary, I only watched Act 5 which starts at 1:54 (this link will start the video at that point) and it is about 22 minutes long.
https://youtu.be/KJFihD_Wt5I?t=6861
I think it's also worth looking at self-worth, I like this description.
"Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”.
https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/s...vs-self-worth/
Don't know that I agree with her take on self-esteem but it's worth thinking about.
As for origins, I was just watching part of a documentary on Jane Fonda, who is rather wise (although I do disagree on her about some things) but she understands people and life.
Everyone knows about her cold Father but her Mother was actually bi-polar (or manic depressive as it was called at the time) and killed herself when she was 42.
She (Jane) finally came to understand after researching her Mother that her life was hard, her upbringing was hard, she was in pain and therefore couldn't see Jane, couldn't parent her the way she needed.
She said she always wondered why these parents of hers were so narcissistic that they could not see her. Now she understands that it has nothing to do with her, that's she's not un-lovable, that she is ok by herself, that's she's ok, but it took time to come to that.
She also realizes she does not have to be perfect, "good enough" is ok.
So what I'm getting at here GlenJo is that you are going to have to go back further if you really want to find out where that low self-worth comes from.
This is a link to the documentary, I only watched Act 5 which starts at 1:54 (this link will start the video at that point) and it is about 22 minutes long.
https://youtu.be/KJFihD_Wt5I?t=6861
I think it's also worth looking at self-worth, I like this description.
"Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”.
https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/s...vs-self-worth/
Don't know that I agree with her take on self-esteem but it's worth thinking about.
I'm ok just as I am right now and I'm going through a rough patch, devoid of other people to obsess or focus on, so that is what makes this hard. I feel that this low patch/depression is a direct result of withdrawals from those codependent behaviours of obsessing about the ex addict and even the guy I was dating. It's just me now and I need to work on getting to that place that Jane got to, believing I am ok by myself, fat or thin, angry it sad, looking good or not, warts and all! I am enough.
Knowing that I can be ok with being aware I'm going through some stuff right now again is helping me and takes some pressure off. I don't know how to fix it, but the only way out is through. Here I go again.....
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I am sorry to be late to this post. I went to post a few days ago, got it all written and distracted myself before hitting send.
My recovery started with my relationship with food, and continues to heal as I do. I had touched on and leaned into the first few layers of my co-dependent behaviors in my food recovery before meeting, loving and marrying a problem drinker. It was only when the dissolution of that relationship happened that I really realized how destructive my co-dependent tendencies were. Just like food had at times been the only thing I could focus on, it became clear that I had a similar obsession about people in my life. At the same time my LACK of relationship with myself was becoming more and more clear.
These two separate but related facets to me are the crux of my recovery. Pun intended but I managed to live such a dysfunctional existence with all of my eggs in these two baskets. Actually I can struggle with work-a-holic tendencies also....
For me all of my dysfunction is about trying to be numb and not have emotions. Therapy, 12 step meetings (both Open AA and Al-Anon), body work and a variety of other things helped open me up to my emotional being and thus my life.
It at times continues to remain challenging, but this recovery has truly been my biggest gift to myself.
A couple of random non-sequiturs.
1. Self care is not selfish (I had to say this a lot to myself)
2. In my family there are many that struggle with substance use/abuse. Some of them it is alcohol, some of them it is food. Co-dependent behaviors are rampant on both sides.
3. Finally for me support and being kind to myself helped. Beating myself up about my behavior or engagement did not. When I decreased the shame game to myself it was so amazing but I did not needed my destructive behaviors less and less.
My recovery started with my relationship with food, and continues to heal as I do. I had touched on and leaned into the first few layers of my co-dependent behaviors in my food recovery before meeting, loving and marrying a problem drinker. It was only when the dissolution of that relationship happened that I really realized how destructive my co-dependent tendencies were. Just like food had at times been the only thing I could focus on, it became clear that I had a similar obsession about people in my life. At the same time my LACK of relationship with myself was becoming more and more clear.
These two separate but related facets to me are the crux of my recovery. Pun intended but I managed to live such a dysfunctional existence with all of my eggs in these two baskets. Actually I can struggle with work-a-holic tendencies also....
For me all of my dysfunction is about trying to be numb and not have emotions. Therapy, 12 step meetings (both Open AA and Al-Anon), body work and a variety of other things helped open me up to my emotional being and thus my life.
It at times continues to remain challenging, but this recovery has truly been my biggest gift to myself.
A couple of random non-sequiturs.
1. Self care is not selfish (I had to say this a lot to myself)
2. In my family there are many that struggle with substance use/abuse. Some of them it is alcohol, some of them it is food. Co-dependent behaviors are rampant on both sides.
3. Finally for me support and being kind to myself helped. Beating myself up about my behavior or engagement did not. When I decreased the shame game to myself it was so amazing but I did not needed my destructive behaviors less and less.
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